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ConfusedBiAce?

Can I save my relationship?

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ConfusedBiAce?

Hi, I'm new, I hope someone has some advice... I'm 23 and still don't know "what" I am. Except that I'm not really heterosexual. I'm married and have a 6 month old baby. We only had sex for having a baby and it was hell. I never liked sex, never felt sexual attraction towards a man.. I'm very unsure about women, if on these rare occasions it can be defined as sexual attraction... I'm not aromantic, I like everything else about my husband and being in a relationship (I think I am at least biromantic). The problem is, my husband likes sex and doesn't want to go without it forever. I'm disgusted by sex and sometimes only managed by being in sort of a dissociative state (but I really wanted that baby). I'm not fond of the idea of an open relationship because I'm afraid he will leave us and choose a "complete" relationship with sex over ours without it. I feel like the topic hovers over us like a dark cloud. I don't want the relationship to end, he doesn't want it to end. But he also doesn't want to be "celibate" forever. Who had a similar situation? How did you solve it? I feel very desperate and don't know any solutions I could live with well... 

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Internetlionboy

Heya welcome! It's a tradition to welcome new members with cake so here you go 🍰

 

I don't really have solid advice as I'm not in a similar situation but it sounds like that it's probably best that you get a divorce especially since you said that you don't like having sex and aren't open to the idea of an open relationship. I know you don't want to hear that but I don't think two people that want two different things (one wants sex and the other is disgusted by it) should stay together. I honestly wish you the most of luck

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AceMissBehaving

I found myself in a somewhat similar situation. I figured out I was ace after I got married, but we don’t have any children. 
 

There are sadly 3 main options is situations like these:

 

1. Find a way towards sexual compromise (typically the ace having more sexy than they would like, their partner having less than they would like)

 

2. An open relationship (which can take a variety of different forms)

 

3: Split up
 

We went the compromise route so far, with a view to figuring out a way to open up the relationship if need be.

 

One thing that might be helpful is couples therapy with an ace friendly therapist. They might be able to help work though easing fears and in finding a solution the two of you might feel comfortable with as a means of

staying together.

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Sinking_In

You are young, and I wonder if your husband was made aware of all you are feeling before getting married? If so, he made an informed choice to marry into this relationship with you. If not, he'll have to make a newly informed choice, and so will you. 

Being asexual is fine, but if your sex aversion is to take precedence over his sexual needs, I can't imagine that new change in the relationship dynamic is fair to your husband, much like coercing you into having sex would be fair to you. It's fair you don't want sex, but there are two of you in the relationship, and both partners deserve consideration, for better or worse. I can understand your fears of him leaving you for a sexual person, but if he has that in him to do, he may leave, anyway. You'll need to have a serious conversation about this, and as @AceMissBehaving stated, an ace-friendly couples therapist could help. I'm finding what she has found, first try to compromise, and if it isn't working, then consider opening the relationship, all with the intent of staying together. If those aren't working, then it's healthier to end the marriage, and hopefully remain friends and loving parents for the child. None of it is easy, but whatever you do will take lots of love and communication. I hope it works out for you and your family.

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MichaelTannock

@ConfusedBiAce? A belated welcome to AVEN!

 

I wish I had some experience-based advice for you, but in my case, I've never had or desired either sex or a romantic relationship.

I hope that you find the help you need.

 

Incidentally, it is a tradition here to welcome new members by offering cake, and here's a "Flower" cake and cupcakes (all edible), 

http://cakesdecor.com/cakes/9364-flower-cupcakes-and-cake

tupdxcv6lgrnlcor3lwi.jpg

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Asexual_Fujoshi

Welcome to the community,@ConfusedBiAce?  

Here's some cake ^~^

df0642148d96e80e8773c44a6411adb2.jpg

 

♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡

WARNING:

Take my answer with a grain of salt (as in be skeptical), since it's most in theory & a persons opinion, that has not been in your circumstances. ~>

 

ANSWER TO YOUR QUESTION:

As for your question can you save your relationship, on your own? No.  Together with your partner & yourself, both wanting & willing to save your relationship, I beileve it's possible.

 

A RECIPE FOR SUCCESS:

When navigating through a problem in a relationship the partners involved need to have good communication, empathy, open mindedness & be willing to compromise.

 

EDUCATE YOURSELF:

The first step would be to educate yourself. After all how can you expect your partner to understand you,  when you don't understand yourself?

 

By this, I mean explore the asexuality spectrum, read stories of other asexuals, you don't have to choose  label just be aware of some things that relate to your situation. 

 

WHAT YOU ALREADY KNOW:

You already know you are emotionally attracted to your husband. You know at specific circumstances you may be drawn to a womans figure. You know you are repulsed by the act of sex. You know you are not okay with an open/poly relationship.

 

WHAT YOU MAY NEED TO FIND OUT:

Some things you may want to think about are; Are you disgusted by all sexual things? Are there things sexual in nature you are comfortable with?

 

**WHAT ARE YOUR BOUNDARIES?**

 

FOR YOURSELF: Are you okay with kisses on your intimate areas? Neck/chest /tummy/bottom? Would you okay receiving oral for your lady bits/ "having the booty eaten"? Would you be okay with being fondled/caressed /squeezed on your chest/thigh /bottom? Do you like French kissing/ pecks on the mouth/face? Would you be okay being fingered by your partner? Hand holding? If you do get urges for self pleasure would you prefer that in a private setting? Or would you be open to maybe some video chat "cyber play time"? Or maybe in real life mutually self pleasuring in the same room as them? With neither partner touching the other?

 

SELF ASSESSMENT:

As for the open/poly relationship, would you be okay with it, If your partner could reassure you they would not leave for a "full package" relationship? ***REMEMBER YOU STILL HAVE ALOT TO OFFER IN A RELATIONSHIP***

 

IF YOU DECIDE TO RECONSIDER:

Instead of your partners bed life being "seperate" part of their life you could find a way to get involved somehow. THIS DOES NOT MEAN YOU NEED TO HAVE SEX!!!!!

 

POSSIBLE WAYS OF INVOLVEMENT:

-You could possibly join them on "dates" to get to know their partner(s) personality.

-You could "share" the partner, could you kiss/hug/fondled/caress a woman?

- Movie/cuddle date with everyone involved?

-Maybe become friends with the women? (Speak one on one)

 

RULES OF CONDUCT: 

- Can they do things inside your home? 

- Hotel?

- How many methods of child prevention are used? (Women on b.c/ guy wearing a c*ndom)

- Are overnight stays allowed? How often?

 

FOR YOUR PARTNER: Are you okay with leaving kisses on their body? Are you okay or disgusted by touching their "junior" with your hands? Would you be okay or disgusted by giving them oral? Are you comfortable cuddling with few clouthes on? Showering with your partner? Letting them "rub" between your chest/ bum cheeks? Would you be okay with watching them touch themselves in front of you? (If that's what they're into) Are there any "kinks" that you could be apart of ? Such as maybe "dirty talk" in their ear while they are touching themselves? 

 

EDUCATE YOUR PARTNER:

1) EXPLAIN!! Tell them about asexuality in an easy to understand manner. Dont overcomplicate things, with "big words". You may use terms though 

 

SAMPLE TOPICS:

- As an asexual I am not sexually

"turned on/attracted" to your body.

- I experience romantic feelings for you.

- I am comfortable doing this, and why. I am not comfortable with this, because it makes me feel this way.

- I still want a future with you, would you still want one with me? 


2) REASSURE THEM, that your asexuality, doesn't mean that you dont love them any less than you did before.

 

3) STOP THE BLAME GAME, inform them that, they are in NO WAY RESPONSIBLE for you being an asexual. 

 

SAMPLE TOPICS:

- There's nothing you could to prevent my asexuality, it's similar to other sexual or lack of sexual orientations, people are born this way.

- It is not a medical problem/ side effect that has killed my sex drive, it can not be cured through medications.

- It's not cause/impacted by any trauma that you may/may not have experienced, therefore it will not change even with a counselor/sex therapist/etc.

 

4) LET THEM GRIEVE: Regardless how you will explain, your partner will need some time to take all this information in. He may blame himself anyway/ blame you/ blame the universe/ blame doctors/ maybe even blame the pregnancy (sometimes there are post, effects from childbirth that effect sex  drive/mental health). Hopefully they will find a good outlet to vent, but this is something they need to overcome by themselves.

 

~Best of luck that you all can make things work. . .If not, you can know you tried everything.

Edited by Asexual_Fujoshi
Left something out.
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