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Sometimes I Doubt I'm Trans


Little_acorn

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I get really bad bouts of doubt and it makes me extremely anxious. Here's a list compiled of stuff before/after/during transitioning:

 

>Loved to be shirtless when younger, sad when chest developed

 

<Remember not liking chest cause designs used to be flat on shirt and now weren't

 

>Played in mud

 

<Dressed in dresses by bio mother but didn't really like it

 

>Black and green imprint shoes I liked

 

<Jealous of male models

 

>Aware that "female" body could be seen as hot, sexy, beautiful, but it not being me

 

<Thoughts of "No, I'm a boy" when told I was a female

 

>Wearing multiple sport's bras at once cause chest dysphoria was really bad but didn't have chest binder

 

<Birth name too feminine, too female

 

>Wanting to have a body of a male (transition) before I even knew the phrase

 

<Dressing way too feminine but feeling uncomfortable

 

>Trying to be a girl(friend)

 

<Trying a bra on again and breaking down

 

>Tried to be feminine/female, wore makeup and girly clothing, now feel like I'm too feminine as a guy

 

<Feeling uncomfortable in general. About parts. About voice. About walk

 

>Walk changes; when I was "female" I swayed my hips (and apparently stuck my ass out a little) when "male" I sway more and have more shoulder movement than hips

 

<Wish I was a lesbian sometimes; lesbian pride tattoos, cute relationship, comfortable with body assigned 

 

>Wish I was a cis male a lot; body given and not a fortune to get, male body processes automatic, being trans sucks

 

<Wish I could have my chest chopped off, or at least be comfortable with having "boobs"

 

>Bitter about not being a cis guy; not being able to produce sperm so if I wanted to have a kid with someone I cared about, I could. The cis male way

 

<Happy when I get a fist bump

 

>Wondering how people perceive me; happy about being perceived as androgynous

 

<They/them pronouns feel personal, like them but not when strangers do it after I tell them to refer to me as he/him

 

>Chest binders are tight and sweaty and I wish I could have top surgery already

 

<Want to try packing but don't know how it'd sit; bulk in jeans that is empty and shouldn't be bothers me, dicks are ugly but I'd rather not have what I do

 

>Don't like going in either bathroom option: feel like an outsider in both female and male bathroom options

 

<Didn't feel like I fit with either the male or the female group when separated by gender in gym class

 

>Get along easier with females typically, mind set/opinions/views not quite aligned with females

 

<Conflicted about gender expression, dressing too feminine. Inside I don't know who I really am gender wise. I'm just me

 

>Want more masculine features; Adam's apple, toned arms, sharp jawline, no chest

 

<Wouldn't mind looking kind of like Ruby Rose (who identifies as genderfluid)

 

>Want to go back and try feminine clothing and presenting that way, don't really have much clothing or freedom with that, don't want to be seen as female by others if I wear something like that once, don't want bio parent to think they got their "daughter" back

 

<Freak myself out over detransitioners, get really upset and anxious

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