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Agnete

What do you think about coming out?

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Agnete

Sexuality was something that never bothered me and I've never questioned seriously until last year. I began thinking whether I was bisexual and asexual and turns out that yes, I am bi and ace. But I have no intention in coming out to absolutely anyone, not to my family or my friends. I only ''came out'' to one of my friends, who admitted to being bi without missing a beat. But it was so casual and comfortable that I wouldn't consider it ''coming out'', because we're very close, we trust each other and we're both close to lgbt community. 

I've always had mixed feelings when it comes to coming out, especially to friends, but I am sure that it all depends on the person and the environment they live in. I know that coming out means a lot to many, even if it's scary, downright terrifying, able to end up in being unaccepted, disowned by family and left by friends. People, I assume, want to come out to be truly comfortable with who they are without having to adjust and act a certain way. 

When it comes to me, I don't plan on coming out to anyone simply because I think my sexuality is none of their business. It's only my business. I'm the only one who needs to know who I am in terms of my sexuality. No one else needs to know that I am attracted to both men and women, no one else needs to know I don't want sex. Perhaps it's also because I treat people the same way - I don't need to know your sexuality or if you have sex or not. All I care is that you're a good human being who is happy with your life and you treat others well.

 

What are your thoughts on coming out? Have you come out and can you tell me why you did that and why it was important to you? I'd love to know all kinds of opinions, because I don't think my opinion is the right one, perhaps I am missing something crucial. So I'd love to know what you think about it. 

 

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Nowhere Girl

I want people to know that I don't have sex because I would be uncomfortable with an assumption that I possibly do.

Of course, everyone may have their opinion. Just don't treat people who consider being out something important to be less mature or anything (or the other way around). Different people may have different reasons for being out or not and all should be respected.

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Internetlionboy

I've only came out to my bf and a couple of my best friends but honestly I'll come out to anyone that asks about it if they aren't going to hurt me or anything 😛

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Techie

If someone asks me point blank my orientation I would tell them. However, being 57, it is not a question that comes up any more in my age circle. I really have no reason to go around advertising. Being heteroromantic and dressing my biological gender does not make anyone question me.  There are plenty of lifelong bachelor men my age.

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Ennis
35 minutes ago, Agnete said:

 But it was so casual and comfortable that I wouldn't consider it ''coming out''

Well I'd say you "came out" nonetheless. It doesn't have to be dramatic. In an ideal world, coming out would always be this casual or not even necessary.

 

As for your question: I've come out to close friends and family because I wanted them to know. Apart from that nobody needs to know. If somebody asks me about my orientation I will 1. pretend to be straight (rarely, for example in a working environment or if a negative response is likely), 2. give a vague but truthful answer like "I like people" or "Relationships are not my priority" or 3. tell them I'm a biromantic ace (in LGBT+ groups or if I trust them).
I've come out to quite a few people so far and it's still a bit scary. Nevertheless I don't like pretending to be someone I'm not. Sometimes I also feel that us aces can do with the publicity. I totally get though that some people don't feel the need to come out.

 

1 hour ago, Agnete said:

When it comes to me, I don't plan on coming out to anyone simply because I think my sexuality is none of their business. It's only my business. I'm the only one who needs to know who I am in terms of my sexuality. No one else needs to know that I am attracted to both men and women, no one else needs to know I don't want sex. Perhaps it's also because I treat people the same way - I don't need to know your sexuality or if you have sex or not. All I care is that you're a good human being who is happy with your life and you treat others well.

Great! You don't need to come out to anyone.

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Starbucks Covfefe

"don't ask don't tell" is how I roll.

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Agnete
13 minutes ago, Jona Rhys said:

Well I'd say you "came out" nonetheless. It doesn't have to be dramatic. In an ideal world, coming out would always be this casual or not even necessary.

I agree with you and I think you do have a good point. I always imagine coming out like sitting down with your friends or family and going how you have something important to say. Perhaps it looks that way for some. I think I don't consider it coming out, because my friend follows me on twt, where I am very open about my sexuality and of course I can't quote the entire conversation, but it felt more like she stating an opinion or a fact about herself and me agreeing with her that ''yeah, me too'' haha. I'm glad it was this casual that it didn't feel like coming out at all :) 

 

 

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Agnete
1 hour ago, Nowhere Girl said:

I want people to know that I don't have sex because I would be uncomfortable with an assumption that I possibly do.

Of course, everyone may have their opinion. Just don't treat people who consider being out something important to be less mature or anything (or the other way around). Different people may have different reasons for being out or not and all should be respected.

I absolutely do not judge or treat those who come out negatively or differently, and I never even assumed coming out was immature or odd :) I only try to understand their motives, because I have my own and I wish to know what makes people want to come out (as long as they're okay with sharing that). 

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Pinball Wizard

I feel like we shouldn't come out to people, but let them in, instead. Invite them into our world, rather than giving our security or esteem to people by "coming out". Idk, I like that phrasing better, like letting people into your home if you want. It's your door to your world, you control who comes in it. Maybe that's too serious for here, but that's my opinion. :)

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oldgeeza

I told my mother I wasn't interested in sex when I was a kid, I'd never even heard of the term asexual back then (I'm an old fart), I tried it due to peer pressure years later when I was 19, I had 2 partners within that year, I probably had sex maybe a handful of times, it didn't last long and I hated it, as I got older, people kept asking, how come you're still single, the casual answer of being ugly soon wore off, (I'm grey haired with a large beard, I have looked the same since I was 14, only now, I'm also rather large to go with it), I always looked, and still do, look much older than I am so I got away with that for a long time, impotence kicked in by the end of my 19th year (someone looked down on me favourably), so still not having heard of the term asexual, I just told everyone that I'm impotent, then in later life, I did mention to my friends that I am asexual, that I never had a sex drive, no one was bothered, they just accept me for who I am, they realise I'm going to spend the rest of my days as a single person, they don't mind, as long as I'm happy, I am lucky with my friends though, they've stuck with me through good and bad times, in my younger days, I was not a nice person, yet nearly 40 years on, my friends are still my friends, my sexuality, it doesn't bother them

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fragglerock

So far I've only come out to my best friend, the conversation had already wandered in that kind of direction and I came out on a whim. I'm considered an eccentric person anyway so it was basically just another quirk, and he knows that I haven't been in a relationship in 10 years. It didn't do much for me either way because although he was verbally supportive he's pretty judgmental normally so I think he might have just decided to act supportive. (His judgmentalness towards people is irritating but I've developed a habit of ignoring his judgmental opinions and he has other nice traits.)

 

I haven't known I'm ace for very long but I like the idea of giving people an explanation for why I'm not acting like they expect. The last place I worked was a lot of young professionals, like myself, and they often went out for happy hours and parties so my lack of sexual interest and activity was fairly apparent. They wondered about it a lot and my explanation of "eh just not really my thing" didn't seem to take. If that kind of situation came up again I could say "I'm demisexual" and I expect some people wouldn't believe me but some would and be like "ohhhh, that makes sense" and then stop asking me about it.

 

Also I'm a little irritated that people assume I'm thinking about my acquaintances sexually. I'm not grossed out by the idea of other people being sexual or having sex (although I'm not interested either) but it bugs me a little for people to think I'm that way.

 

But mainly I share your feelings about coming out. It doesn't fundamentally matter to me what sexuality people have, the important thing is how people are doing and how they treat others. 

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Agnete
1 hour ago, Pinball Wizard said:

I feel like we shouldn't come out to people, but let them in, instead. Invite them into our world, rather than giving our security or esteem to people by "coming out". Idk, I like that phrasing better, like letting people into your home if you want. It's your door to your world, you control who comes in it. Maybe that's too serious for here, but that's my opinion. :)

I absolutely love that approach! 

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KoiFishShoes
10 hours ago, Agnete said:

What are your thoughts on coming out? Have you come out and can you tell me why you did that and why it was important to you?

I am out, or will be out, in different ways in different spaces. I came out to a prior long term partner as soon as I discovered asexuality, and I intend to be very up front about it in future relationships. While I am sex-favorable, it's not a big priority, and I think folks deserve to know what they're getting into. 

 

I also come out to other ace people when I encounter them in person as kind of a "hey, you're not alone thing" because so many of us seem to not personally know other ace folks. I made two of my closest friends that way. One of them tends to do the coming out for me in safe LGBTQ spaces, but I wait for there to be a natural time to bring it up. Since no one ever asks me about my relationships, though, I may have to go about this differently if I ever want someone to know! 

 

I am not out to my immediate or most extended family (aka Facebook part of my life) since my parents do still provide a bit of financial support. My mother is vocally queer-phobic. However, I do wear an ace ring have a pin on my bag, follow a couple of ace pages there, and am very out on Twitter, so she could figure it out if she wanted to. 

 

The Twitter part is probably odd, especially since part of my followers are other folks in my profession. However, we tend put an emphasis on social justice, freedom, authenticity, etc, so it also lets me know who the cool kids are and, by extension, where it might be safest to work someday. Same goes for the followers in my religious denomination, minus the working.

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Chocolatastic AroAce

I haven't for a few reasons. One is it doesn't seem that important...unless I decide i want to be  with someone there isn't anyone who needs to know. Secondly it always worried me...what would people say. I'm afraid people would twist it into something it isn't or just flat out shun me.

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AngelofMusic997

I've only "come out" on select social medias (usually where I don't know a lot of people IRL).

I'm considering coming out to my parents but idk. Not feeling a HUUUUGE need to shout it from the rooftops, but having people I have to interact with personally on a daily level know what's up might be a good thing in the future if I ever get another S/O. (Also cus I am sick and tired of my mum thinking that the second I'm alone with a person of the opposite gender, we're gonna start Going At It or whatever tf. ((Allos, you ok? I dunno but I don't think that's normal????)))

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RGA

Back when I was figuring myself out I decided that if it came up, I would tell someone. I've found over the past few years that it pretty much never comes up for me. As for the few people I've told, they have only brought it up a couple times. So for me coming out has been pretty irrelevant and seems like unneeded drama in some cases. I would like to come out to my parents/family at some point but I'm not there yet. In general I just wanted to see if it would "lift off weight" or whatever, it didn't and in some cases it made me feel a bit more anxious. I was hoping coming out would be a moment that would make all the anxiety go away and and make me finally accept myself, it wasn't. it wasn't bad either, it just wasn't as big of a deal that I was expecting/wanted it to be. 

 

 

 

 

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smellincoffee

I was attracted to "identities" and such in college, but these days I don't care. I'm just me, and I don't need to fly any flags or stick any labels on myself to be me.

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maddr

I've been lucky in my friends, who are a true rainbow of sexualities - including ace (I'm not the only one), hetero, bi, and homo. My sister even considers herself demi. So my friends and my sister were the first I came out to about being ace and aro. Those that know you best probably know before you even say anything.

I was worried about telling my parents, but as their conversation hints about me finally starting to look for a guy to settle down with increased (I'm 27 right now), I knew it had to come out eventually. But the fear for me was never concern about losing their love, but rather that they wouldn't understand or even try to understand me. That the conversation would shift to how I "just hadn't met the right guy yet - or girl - no judgements." And that's one thing I love about my parents - I could have come home with a girl or trans or anyone and they would accept them with open arms. But the idea that I'd never get involved with anyone romantically probably never crossed their minds. 

Eventually I came out to my dad just by blurting it out after I had oral surgery recently. And, after a long talk about what that meant for me, he said all he and my mom cared about was that I was happy, healthy, and could provide for myself. He then volunteered to tell my mom for me and according to him it went well enough, but I haven't spoken to her myself about it yet. And I'm in no rush to have that conversation.

I'll take it at my own pace. It took me nearly 7 years from identifying as ace/aro to tell my dad in an uncoordinated burst of words. 

I feel it's important to be yourself and never yield to pressure to be somebody you aren't or do something you don't want to. But some people want to acheive that without sticking a label on it, and there's nothing wrong with that. For me, the word "asexual" and "aromantic" not only suit me perfectly, but serve as validation for myself to others. So me using those labels to come out isn't wrong either. 

Edited by maddr
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Acurly2790

I came out to my sister, mom and best friend. It was not a big thing. They knew long before that marriage and children were not really something I wanted for the sake of it. I’m a sex indif ace so it doesn’t really come up very often in normal conversation. I don’t really have “tells” other than I’m not interested in people for the sake of sex. I’m 28 so if it hasn’t happened by now it probably won’t. I do occasionally have trouble with people wanting to romantically date me that I’ve never reciprocated. I do have a policy that if someone point blank asks I will be truthful in response. I live an LA which is one of the easier places to be as far as the LGBT+ community is concerned. I don’t really have any fears about coming out just wary of the possible irritation from ignorant people ie it’s a phase, you haven’t met the right person, you should see a doctor, I can fix that, blah blah blah BLAH

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RoonalWaslib

It seems like a lot of trouble to come out when a lot of my friends and family don’t know what the heck “Ace” means.  I’m pretty sure a lot of them know, but don’t know “there’s a word for it.”  I don’t want to give a lecture on identities ten different times.

 

Awkwardly, I have some ace characters in the graphic novel I’m writing, one of whom my family is sure is based on me, so... That’s might start some  interesting conversations if they ever bother to read it.

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RoonalWaslib

Explaining asexuality is hard.  It’s easier to make vague complaints about Jughead’s portrayal on “Riverdale” and let people do their own research.

Edited by RoonalWaslib

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DarkStormyKnight

I basically came out to spread awareness about asexuality since I didn't know many other aces. As a result I tend to come out pretty easily haha. But it's definitely a personal choice, I honestly just think it's easier to be very loud about it because then everyone knows without really getting "the talk" on what asexuality is.

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