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Redv.elvet

Questioning my gender

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Redv.elvet

I'm afab. Since I was a preteen I've experienced "penis envy", being bisexual I always wanted to know what it felt like to be with woman as a man. As I got older into my teenage years I started having gender dysphoric feelings and experiencing "phantom penis". But my dysphoria has always been severely fluctuating. There are days that I wish I was a boy but at the end of the day I'm okay with being a girl. I could never see myself transitioning physically or even being called a man. But I feel I have some connection to maleness. I've experimented online with calling myself genderfluid but I got constantly told I was cis and confused. Then I started identifying back with being a cis woman. Don't get me wrong I feel like a woman most of the time, I live being a woman a lot of the time, I love my body too and I'm feminine but at time I feel a connection to maleness. I've think I might be nonbinary or a demigirl maybe genderfluid but I'm not sure. I don't know how I feel about the word queer, if it didn't have negative connotations id probably just identify with that. Calling myself trans feels off because I don't want to transition. 

 

I'm confused and need advice. 

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Life Of Tass

Hi @Redv.elvet!

 

10 minutes ago, Redv.elvet said:

But I feel I have some connection to maleness.

Maybe you could try looking into the galactian system in regards to gender identity? It deals with alignment to gender rather than a complete identification with a gender. I'll link an article explaining it better below:

 

https://nonbinary.wiki/wiki/Galactian_system

 

I'm agender myself, however I also consider myself eclipsian in the galactian system because I'm aligned with androgyny despite not being an androgyne.

 

15 minutes ago, Redv.elvet said:

genderfluid

In regards to what I could understand from your post, you do seem genderfluid. Genderfluid people don't necessarily switch between genders every day. They can feel like one gender for most of the time but like another gender for an hour or a day or two and then back to the one gender. As long as your gender identity isn't static, you can be considered genderfluid.

 

20 minutes ago, Redv.elvet said:

but I got constantly told I was cis and confused.

From what you have described in your post

 

(

22 minutes ago, Redv.elvet said:

Since I was a preteen I've experienced "penis envy"

 

22 minutes ago, Redv.elvet said:

As I got older into my teenage years I started having gender dysphoric feelings and experiencing "phantom penis".

 

23 minutes ago, Redv.elvet said:

Don't get me wrong I feel like a woman most of the time, I live being a woman a lot of the time, I love my body too and I'm feminine but at time I feel a connection to maleness.

)

 

You don't really sound cis. I'm sorry that other people constantly invalidated your identity because you're mostly okay with being seen as your AGAB. Just as a bisexual person isn't automatically gay when in a homosexual relationship or automatically straight when in a heterosexual relationship, a genderfluid person isn't automatically cis for identifying with their own AGAB at one time or binary trans for identifying with the other gender commonly assigned at birth at another. They're still genderfluid. What I am about to say is true for both my own reply and for what these people told you. Only you can decide your identity. Not these people, not me, not anybody else. At the end of the day, it's your life we're talking about, and you should identify however you're most comfortable identifying. And, if you don't feel like you're a cis woman, you don't have to identify that way because some people on the internet told you to.

 

I'm gonna share a little story of mine. I'm AFAB as well. When I had finally come to terms with my gender identity (agender), I went to open the other can of worms. The "I'm actually really really attracted to women" one that I had known existed for about 3 years but did nothing about. Well, I started researching and trying to find experiences of (sexual) WLW to see if I could identify with them like the panicked 15 year old that I was. And, because my physical dysphoria isn't that intense, I subconsciously started identifying as a woman again and even questioning my graysexuality. But something felt really really wrong. I knew I loved women. I knew that these sexual WLW loved women. But that was about the only thing we had in common, because I was neither sexual nor a woman. What I am however, is a graysexual diamoric lesbian (I also identify as an ammolic graysexual). And I don't have to be a woman to identify as such.

 

When you have realised that you aren't cis, identifying as such feels wrong on a visceral level. When you're cis, identifying as another gender feels just as wrong.

 

I wish you the best of luck! If you have any questions, ask away!

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PoeciMeta
53 minutes ago, Tassputin said:

Nice! I like the reference to singularities... 

But then, if I tried to apply that to me... I guess I'd be... a planet 😁 (or just an asteroid, that works too.)

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Internetlionboy

Also there are actually trans people that are ok with their body and their dysphoria don't always have to be like strong or distressing. They can get euphoria from identifying as the gender they are and when others refer them with the pronouns they prefer! I used to identify as a trans guy myself and that's how my dysphroia was, now I just use nonbinary because my gender identity is too mind boggling for me 😛

 

I wish you luck on your questioning journey!

 

 

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