Trying to understand the asexual side of commitment

[Ours]

@Traveler40

 

ive read you story on a different thread I don’t remember what one. Thank you for documenting it the way you did. 
 

when I think about opening our relationship I think of finding someone who is as entangled as I am. Kind of a friend with benefits but not even an option of commitment.

 

can I ask if your husband is happy? Honestly from what I read I wonder if he ever really was. But is he okay with his choices? He seems to have never known him self. I believe you said your children were IVF.
 

I don’t want my husband and ever hurt he doesn’t deserve to be hurt for being asexual.... he also has some Trauma that is always in the background so yeah unfairness is kind’a thing in our home.

 

we can’t divorce my son is Sp.needs and neither one of us could do it on our own.
 

is your lover at peace with his choices He seems to be from what you wrote. He also seems to be assertive and able to take care of his own needs when he needed a break. He seems very grounded.    

 

we tried everything to get pregnant but my girly bits just don’t work. I had to have a hysterectomy much sooner then we wanted. So I get when you say about that ... seriously I could do commercials for that operation! 

[Traveler40]

Hmm, I just came back to edit item 2 in my last post as I recalled what escaped me earlier.  As I was typing, your comments came in. 
 

4 hours ago, Ours said:

can I ask if your husband is happy? Honestly from what I read I wonder if he ever really was. But is he okay with his choices? He seems to have never known him self.

My husband is complicated.  The short answer is an unfulfilling one: yes and no. You ask if he ever really was happy? 🤔 Hmm, this pierces it precisely.  I don’t know that my husband can be fully happy as it robs him from being the martyr. His love language is service. He sacrifices for everyone, but doesn’t ask for much beyond a bustling family around him, and he fears being alone. He is not weak, very stable and the rock in our home. He loves us all completely and always. He is a deeply good man.
 

He is fairly simple in day-to-day needs yet complex of emotion. I’ve spent 2 decades trying to meet him where he needs it and to expand his world. According to him, he is generally happy, so there’s that.  I can report that he is more worried at times than unhappy. 🤷🏻‍♀️

 

Edit: I asked my husband and he said, “Yes, I’m happy! If I wasn’t, you’d know it.”
 

4 hours ago, Ours said:

But is he okay with his choices?

This has it’s moments.  Yes, then no, then seemingly so? He is content that his world seems stable as the concern over change has been toughest for him. 

Edit: He said, “I wish I could be different.”

 

4 hours ago, Ours said:

I don’t want my husband and ever hurt he doesn’t deserve to be hurt for being asexual.

Well, I certainly don’t want my husband to be hurt, yet likely someone will always be hurt in this type of mixed relationship. If you prefer to shoulder the hurt and pain, that’s a choice. Frankly, I did that enough across 15 years and finally called uncle. Sometimes, limits are reached which is what happened with me.

 

4 hours ago, Ours said:

 

is your lover at peace with his choices

Chick Version (my take):
I believe so, yes. He is the strongest, smartest and most grounded individual I’ve ever known. I defer to him in almost everything as our best interest is his best interest. I do not want to share too much of his story, but our lives dovetail perfectly as is. We just click, and all paths led to “us” in time.

Dude Version (his take):

He called as I was typing. Here’s how he answered your question: “What does that even mean? If you think about it, I have to be. If I wasn’t, I wouldn’t be here. 1) We have a great connection. 2) We have agreed we will continue this path without getting greedy or hurting anyone. I would have left if I wasn’t happy with this arrangement, and I don’t see the logic behind the question.”  - There you have it, his words exactly. 
 

That is priceless - 😂. I’ve been chuckling for some time now. Too funny!

[Traveler40]

5 hours ago, Ours said:

when I think about opening our relationship I think of finding someone who is as entangled as I am. Kind of a friend with benefits but not even an option of commitment.

Careful on this.  Anyone here who has asked for my ad over the years knows that this is exactly what I sought. I had a clear image of what I wanted for the same reasons you do. I was after:

 

1. Married (bumper guards)

2. Geographically desirable

3. 40 something (working equipment & age appropriate)

 

What I got was ALL sorts of right:

 

1. Single

2. 30 minutes outside of my desired “zone”

3. 50 something

 

My advice is to not think too much about a laundry list of how it would be. The right connection may not fit that box.  I did seek to love my lover as I need that bit to open.  Oh yes, but we too were supposed to be FWB....😂