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Ours

Trying to understand the asexual side of commitment

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Ours

Questions,questions and more questions 


I’m really nervous about asking all of this I’m so worried someone will be offended please please delete if this is out of line. I’m confused and but not angry and it’s who he is as much as it’s so confusing to me.
 

I’m hoping my questions come across as respectful, and not offensive and if they don’t someone please delete my post.They do come from an honest desire to understand my husband more and this very new to us sexuality and mixed relationships.

 

Knowing what  the culture expection of being married/in a committed monogamous are why would someone who identifies as asexual (ace) commit with a sexual (whoa that’s an awful term). Wouldn’t it cause anxiety and stress and maybe even  rather then a feeling of peace?

 

Why would someone who identifies as ace stay in the relationship? Wouldn’t leaving help in reducing anxiety and help in embracing themselves and help to bringing more attention to a little known sexuality? Now someone who is sexual (term not getting better) can leave as well but with that comes embarrassment and judgement as someone who wants sex every day rather then at all. frankly this is a very big issue for a sexuals (is this rally a term) as they constantly question what is reasonable amount. And struggle will feels of being demanding and unreasonable 

 

Do aces stay in the face of knowing that it would reduce anxiety and stress because no sensitive loving partner would ever force themselves on someone it’s very scary to leave.i in no way want to minimize that fear because it comes with labeling yourself something very new and almost agreeing to be a spokes person for it. And with all habits no change is always the least restant 

 

Are people who identify as ace disappointed that sexuals (I have to have this wrong) don’t lose the desire for sex over time as books, movies, and tv would have you believe.

 

I do understand that if anyone chooses to answer any/all my friends they are speaking from their personal perspective and that over generalizing is unfair and dangerous..

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Traveler40

@ours, I will defer to the ace population here to answer your questions as that’s who you are asking.  These questions may even be more appropriately placed in another subforum. 🤷🏻‍♀️

 

Yes, we are sexuals. That I can speak to at least.

 

Lastly, while oriented differently, we are all human.  We generally long for connection, love and relationships with each other. It’s hard for everyone in a mixed coupling.  One question I think you were trying to get at us why would an ace seek to have a relationship with a sexual understanding the mismatch and ensuing pain? That question has been asked countless times across these threads and should garner some interesting response at least. 
 

Please, keep asking questions! It’s partly why we are all here.

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Galactic Turtle
58 minutes ago, Ours said:

Knowing what  the culture expection of being married/in a committed monogamous are why would someone who identifies as asexual (ace) commit with a sexual (whoa that’s an awful term). Wouldn’t it cause anxiety and stress and maybe even  rather then a feeling of peace?

Most likely, yes. Although some asexual people are seemingly fine with having sex. Even for them, as the years of a marriage go by they tend to find it harder and harder to keep up. Also keep in mind that the expectation of sex in marriage has probably been a point of anxiety for an asexual person their entire lives as most asexual people never even meet another asexual person let alone become interested in them as a romantic partner.

 

59 minutes ago, Ours said:

Why would someone who identifies as ace stay in the relationship? Wouldn’t leaving help in reducing anxiety and help in embracing themselves and help to bringing more attention to a little known sexuality?

Possibly, although most asexual people do experience romantic attraction. The fear of never having a partner might overpower their desire to be in a relationship with someone who is sexually compatible.

 

1 hour ago, Ours said:

Now someone who is sexual (term not getting better) can leave as well but with that comes embarrassment and judgement as someone who wants sex every day rather then at all. frankly this is a very big issue for a sexuals (is this rally a term) as they constantly question what is reasonable amount.

Every couple is different. Some couples have sex multiple times daily. Others have sex once a month. Others once a year. Others never. That has less to do with sexuality and more to do with sexual appetite/tolerance. It seems unrealistic that two people would be in the mood at exactly the same time always.

 

1 hour ago, Ours said:

Do aces stay in the face of knowing that it would reduce anxiety and stress because no sensitive loving partner would ever force themselves on someone it’s very scary to leave.i in no way want to minimize that fear because it comes with labeling yourself something very new and almost agreeing to be a spokes person for it. And with all habits no change is always the least restant

When people are not compatible in one area, odds are they'll have hope they are compatible enough in other areas to power through.

 

1 hour ago, Ours said:

Are people who identify as ace disappointed that sexuals (I have to have this wrong) don’t lose the desire for sex over time as books, movies, and tv would have you believe.

Maybe not all sexuals, but there is variety in nature. One's libido/desire levels fluctuate over a lifetime. Some people might be just as horny as 90 year olds as they were as 19 year olds. Most, however, probably aren't. 

 

Honestly I'm not interested in romantic partnerships to begin with but that's what it seems like from where I'm standing. XD

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GlamRocker

@Ours

 

This can happen for a bunch of reasons. 1) The asexual, BEING asexual, doesn't understand what it feels like to want sex to be happy. So they enter into a relationship with a sexual person, believing that the sexual person's sexual needs aren't serious and that they won't have to have much sex with their partner or maybe none at all to keep their partner happy. 2) The asexual thinks sex is no big deal and they will be okay with having sex with their sexual partner even though they aren't into it. But this is usually mistaken, and begins to show later in the relationship when the asexual can't stand to maintain it anymore. 3) There aren't many asexuals, but there are sexual people everywhere. This makes is EVER SO LIKELY that an asexual person will fall in love with a sexual person. And NO MATTER HOW DOOMED IT MAY BE, LOVE DON'T GIVE A SHIT.

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AceMissBehaving

Some people use the term allosexual if that feels more comfortable to you, or non-asexual would work at least on these forums.

 

To answer your question though....


I fell in love with my partner before I knew I was asexual, and didn’t figure it out till we were past the years where the miss match was the hardest.  
 

Outside of the sex stuff the love, feelings of affection for each other, and life we have built together is still strong. In fact the only thing that is problematic is sex.

 

Neither one of us feels that finding a relationship with a more sexually compatible partner would be worth sacrificing all the happiness we have together for.

 

We’ve been together 17 years, and I do still worry one day the sex aspect will blow up in my face down the line one day though.

 

Had I known I was ace much younger like a lot of people do today, there is a good chance a I would have stuck to dating other asexuals. If something were to happen where I found myself single again I think I would probably only look for relationships with other aces too.

 

Mixed relationships are hard, but then again all relationships are hard.

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Mackenzie Holiday

Hi @Ours, this is definitely the kind of thing everyone will answer differently, but speaking for myself, I'm open to being with sexuals (or allosexuals) for a few reasons.

 

One is that asexuals are really rare, and depending on what other factors you need in a relationship, deciding to only date other A-specs (people on the asexual spectrum) can make finding a partner a lot harder than it has to be if you could get along well with an allosexual. I personally have gotten along really well in a mixed relationship. I'm not sex-repulsed which probably made things easier to work out, and there were still things that sucked (as is the case with all relationships), but overall we were pretty happy with the way things were once we worked everything out that needed to be worked out.

 

Sexual compatibility can be a really important part of a relationship, but it isn't always a deal breaker for everyone. Not for every asexual or every allosexual. There are a lot of mixed couples who find an arrangement where they're both happy, and there are couples who don't. In my case, we were able to work out a way to meet in the middle without compromising who we are. And how mixed couples reach this middle ground will look different for everyone. That said, I would feel deeply uncomfortable in any relationship where my partner felt unfulfilled, sexually or otherwise. I wouldn't wait around and hope for their desires to change any more than I would want them to wait for mine to change, I would want to work with them to find a way we could both feel safe, happy, and fulfilled, even if that meant terminating the relationship.

 

Another reason, as @Galactic Turtle mentioned, is romantic attraction. When you're in love, it can be very hard to leave, hoping you'll find someone who's more compatible sexually, but may be missing key things that you're gaga about in your current allosexual partner. I can definitely speak to this.

 

Lastly, and this may be side-stepping your question a bit since you specifically mentioned monogamy, but another reason why I'm personally open to being with allosexuals is that I'm inclined toward polyamory, which, on paper at least, would make these sorts of things a lot easier to work out. Even in a relationship with sexual compatibility, being the one source for meeting someone's relationship needs gives me a lot of anxiety. I would much rather have an arrangement where I could bring what I could bring and not have to worry as much about the things I couldn't.

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nineGardens

Imagine having a partner in crime, who understands the shit you are saying, even when you mush the words up, or aren't sure yourself. Someone who has a vision for the world that you believe in and are willing to support, and simultaneously they will support yours, who you would trust to go havles on raising an entire extra human being....

And who also really like pinball.

Like... a lot.

Like they insist on playing pinball at least once a week, and don't consider your relationship complete without at least a couple games of pinball.

The just... really... like... pinball.

 

 

Would that be a dealbreaker for you?

 

Okay, now imagine their thing is slightly more weird/uncomfortable.  Ice cold skinny dipping in seaweed. I don't know.

 

Anyway- different Aces have different levels of Sex aversion (second example) vs Sex indifference(first example), and if you're trying to build a life with a cool teammate/partner who you believe in, then someone might be willing to compromise if they are closer to indifferent rather than repulsed.

 

... the only catch comes when your partner gets frustrated/upset by the fact that you just aren't that into pinball, and don't really care about their awesome pinball skills. 😕

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Memento1

Hi, Ours!  I absolutely didn't find your post offensive at all, in fact it was refreshing.  Thanks for asking!  I'll try to take these one  by one...

 

Knowing what  the culture expection of being married/in a committed monogamous are why would someone who identifies as asexual (ace) commit with a sexual (whoa that’s an awful term).

 

This usually comes from a place where the asexual didn't know they were asexual or didn't feel confident in their asexuality when they got married.  Confident asexuals will be upfront with their partner before marriage.  For most, they deeply wanted a committed romantic relationship and marriage was the only way society said they could get it. 

 

Wouldn’t it cause anxiety and stress and maybe even  rather then a feeling of peace?

 

Usually these people have NEVER known peace with their asexuality, and thought the only route to peace was to enter a sexual relationship and attempt to become sexual (that's what every societal message says is the only route to happiness).

 

Why would someone who identifies as ace stay in the relationship? Wouldn’t leaving help in reducing anxiety and help in embracing themselves and help to bringing more attention to a little known sexuality?

 

Again, these people usually still desire romance and deep committed love, and gaining acceptance does not seem worth the loss of love.  Most people get married because they've never felt that level of love before; of course they fear they never will again.  Many sexuals face the same dilemma in unhappy marriages, and the outlook is MUCH better for them than for asexuals.  Leaving a committed relationship does not reduce anxiety and stress - it increases it, at least in the short term, and we're wired to weigh immediate consequences much more strongly than long-term ones (or else no one would ever eat cake because they might have a heart attack some day).  You say the sexual leaving would make them feel shame and judgement - same with the asexual.  It's a cost / benefit analysis of which situation will feel less distressing, and it's easier to quantify current distress than perceived future distress.

 

Are people who identify as ace disappointed that sexuals don’t lose the desire for sex over time as books, movies, and tv would have you believe.

 

I think many do, but that's no different than the sexuals who are disappointed that their asexual partners don't grow to like sex.  It's natural to feel disappointment.  There's a difference between expecting something and being disappointed about it.  When I apply for a job, I can expect to be rejected and still feel disappointment when I do.  There's always some irrational stubborn hope (and that is, on the whole, a good thing - imagine life without hope in the face of adversity).

 

I don't know if this was helpful at all.  I can say these types of situations are miserable all around, and I admire you actively trying to understand his point of view - I hope he is doing the same for you.

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Sinking_In

@Ours You have to realize, not everyone knows they are "ace". Some may simply chalk it up to different sex drives, or may not give it any thought at all. I believe my wife is gray-ace, mostly sex indifferent, and she had never heard of asexuality. She just knew how she was, and was happy to have sex with someone she felt love for. She told me she had no idea HOW "sexual" I really was early on. Probably because I didn't really pressure her, toned down my own drive a bit to compliment what I thought was her pace, and because she is demi-romantic, and because we were in the throngs of "puppy love", we had a fairly regular amount of sex both of us were comfortable with. When trying for children that amount happily ramped up, but after kids, it dropped off sharply, and I half expected it to with any couple. So in our case, there were no real red flags for either of us until a few years into the marriage. It's normal to feel deceived, but don't assume asexuals purposely deceive sexuals. Perhaps some of us sexuals are guilty of deceiving ourselves, really? I know I've contemplated this. You have a lot to absorb, but you're in the right place for support and information.

 

I'd like to start a new tradition, aces are welcomed with cake, so sexuals in mixed relationships should have cookies (everyone can share):

images?q=tbn:ANd9GcSA8JX3CHb8XIYRbTyaeEz

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AceMissBehaving
4 hours ago, Ours said:

Wouldn’t leaving help in reducing anxiety and help in embracing themselves and help to bringing more attention to a little known sexuality?

I will say this for me has been the biggest area of compromise for me. Even though I’m in a relationship, I am out, and openly asexual, I’m also someone with some level of visibility, at least locally. I do wish I could be more honest and vocal about issues facing aces, and my thoughts and feeling on the more “delicate” subjects, but of course there comes a point where it would be unfair on my partner, and so I’m not able to do as much as I would like. 

I do very much hate having to still maintain some level of “sexual passing”, but it’s not worth throwing everything away for. 

 

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Ours
4 hours ago, Galactic Turtle said:

Honestly I'm not interested in romantic partnerships to begin with but that's what it seems like from where I'm standing. XD

Can I ask if you ever feel lonely or does other friendships and family fulfill you. As someone who is older and has a very dear friend who is a widow she feels lonely but not enough to look for a second love. She doesn’t  consider her self asexual just not worth the effort at 55. 

 

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Ours
3 hours ago, GlamRocker said:

@Ours

 

 NO MATTER HOW DOOMED IT MAY BE, LOVE DON'T GIVE A SHIT.

That needs to be on tee shirts! So much more contemporary then love is blind. 
 

yeah I assume my husband had no idea he was asexual. He also has had some trauma he thought wouldn’t matter or affect things.

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Traveler40
7 minutes ago, Ours said:

As someone who is older and has a very dear friend who is a widow she feels lonely but not enough to look for a second love. She doesn’t  consider her self asexual just not worth the effort at 55. 

Um, 55 is older and not worth the effort? 😱

I couldn’t disagree more! 😬 

 

Perspective is a funny thing! 🤣

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Ours
3 hours ago, AceMissBehaving said:

Some people use the term allosexual if that feels more comfortable to you, or non-asexual would work at least on these forums.

 

To answer your question though....


I fell in love with my partner before I knew I was asexual, and didn’t figure it out till we were past the years where the miss match was the hardest.  
 

Outside of the sex stuff the love, feelings of affection for each other, and life we have built together is still strong. In fact the only thing that is problematic is sex.

 

Neither one of us feels that finding a relationship with a more sexually compatible partner would be worth sacrificing all the happiness we have together for.

 

We’ve been together 17 years, and I do still worry one day the sex aspect will blow up in my face down the line one day though.

 

Had I known I was ace much younger like a lot of people do today, there is a good chance a I would have stuck to dating other asexuals. If something were to happen where I found myself single again I think I would probably only look for relationships with other aces too.

 

Mixed relationships are hard, but then again all relationships are hard.

Yes allowsexual feels a lot better. I as well as everyone is multi faceted and sex is a big issue it’s not all I am.

 

we love each other very deeply and so don’t see divorce as being on the table right now. We have a life time in common ... all things geeky for one. Watching Dr. Who talking Star Wars or even politics is were we can finish each other sentences.

 

However i hate the anxiety I give him for simply being. We haven’t had sex in 4 years and I try to hard to be patient but I’m not as nice as I use to be. 
 

I he or I had known we wouldn’t have married  as painful as it is it’s just the truth.

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Internetlionboy

Hello my situation is different but I'm dating a guy that's sexual and not ace at all and I stay with him because he's honestly the best guy that ever came into my life and it makes me happy knowing that he's there with me. I even told came out to him 6 days ago about being aroace and he thought it was cool and interesting and that it didn't put him off at all. I'm fine with having sex (in fact I love it :p) though I'm starting to consider that I'm probably not ace because I do feel sexual attraction towards him but not romantic and I don't feel sexual attraction towards anyone else so ghsdfjshd

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anisotrophic
3 hours ago, nineGardens said:

The just... really... like... pinball.

Hahaha, it's me! He's so confused! "you want to play pinball... again? right now? at 9pm on a Wednesday night?" 😂

 

We have a pretty strong loyalty/trust/love built over the years. We also have kids. We've faced life's challenges together, sacrificed for each other. It's a strong bond, the sex was far from central. Though I suspect if he had any repulsion, it would've played out differently.

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Pan Ficto. (on hiatus?)
12 hours ago, Ours said:

Knowing what  the culture expection of being married/in a committed monogamous are why would someone who identifies as asexual (ace) commit with a sexual (whoa that’s an awful term). Wouldn’t it cause anxiety and stress and maybe even  rather then a feeling of peace?

 

Why would someone who identifies as ace stay in the relationship?

Because of love. People can't help who they fall in love with, and many romantic aces are innately monogamous. It's the same reason any two people who aren't entirely compatible will stay together even though they know they should break up :c

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Pan Ficto. (on hiatus?)
6 hours ago, Ours said:

Can I ask if you ever feel lonely or does other friendships and family fulfill you. As someone who is older and has a very dear friend who is a widow she feels lonely but not enough to look for a second love. She doesn’t  consider her self asexual just not worth the effort at 55. 

 

I'm just going to answer this randomly as someone who has no interest in seeking relationships for now: I've been physically single and completely celibate for 8 years now, and I'm not ace, but I don't get lonely. I can't get lonely without something I don't really want, if that makes sense? I don't have friends or anything either and I'm okay with that. I understand everyone experiences being alone differently though, that's just my experience! :)

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Ours
9 hours ago, Sinking_In said:

(everyone can share):

images?q=tbn:ANd9GcSA8JX3CHb8XIYRbTyaeEz

Heh I like cookies so much more then cake.

sweeter, and easier to share....

 

we had hell trying for kids and we both were broken hearted for a long time after and it just never recovered. 
 

we haven’t had sex in 4 years and I feel like I said good buy to my sexuality without even knowing it. 
 

He’s not mean but it’s over and I’m sad hurt and grasping for answers.

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Ours
9 hours ago, Memento1 said:

Hi, Ours!  I absolutely didn't find your post offensive at all, in fact it was refreshing.  Thanks for asking!  I'll try to take these one  by one...

 

Knowing what  the culture expection of being married/in a committed monogamous are why would someone who identifies as asexual (ace) commit with a sexual (whoa that’s an awful term).

 

This usually comes from a place where the asexual didn't know they were asexual or didn't feel confident in their asexuality when they got married.  Confident asexuals will be upfront with their partner before marriage.  For most, they deeply wanted a committed romantic relationship and marriage was the only way society said they could get it. 

 

Wouldn’t it cause anxiety and stress and maybe even  rather then a feeling of peace?

 

Usually these people have NEVER known peace with their asexuality, and thought the only route to peace was to enter a sexual relationship and attempt to become sexual (that's what every societal message says is the only route to happiness).

 

Why would someone who identifies as ace stay in the relationship? Wouldn’t leaving help in reducing anxiety and help in embracing themselves and help to bringing more attention to a little known sexuality?

 

Again, these people usually still desire romance and deep committed love, and gaining acceptance does not seem worth the loss of love.  Most people get married because they've never felt that level of love before; of course they fear they never will again.  Many sexuals face the same dilemma in unhappy marriages, and the outlook is MUCH better for them than for asexuals.  Leaving a committed relationship does not reduce anxiety and stress - it increases it, at least in the short term, and we're wired to weigh immediate consequences much more strongly than long-term ones (or else no one would ever eat cake because they might have a heart attack some day).  You say the sexual leaving would make them feel shame and judgement - same with the asexual.  It's a cost / benefit analysis of which situation will feel less distressing, and it's easier to quantify current distress than perceived future distress.

 

Are people who identify as ace disappointed that sexuals don’t lose the desire for sex over time as books, movies, and tv would have you believe.

 

I think many do, but that's no different than the sexuals who are disappointed that their asexual partners don't grow to like sex.  It's natural to feel disappointment.  There's a difference between expecting something and being disappointed about it.  When I apply for a job, I can expect to be rejected and still feel disappointment when I do.  There's always some irrational stubborn hope (and that is, on the whole, a good thing - imagine life without hope in the face of adversity).

 

I don't know if this was helpful at all.  I can say these types of situations are miserable all around, and I admire you actively trying to understand his point of view - I hope he is doing the same for you.

Wow, that’s a lot I need to process this. I don’t think he know but we haven’t had sex in 4 years I don’t think he gets it at all. He shows his love in many different ways but it’s gets harder and harder to not see the blaring hole.

i told him he was asexual and he’s in therapy for the first time. He agreed that 4 years was weird and according to him it was weirder he didn’t notice.

 

thank you for so much to ponder 

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AceMissBehaving
5 minutes ago, Ours said:

Heh I like cookies so much more then cake.

sweeter, and easier to share....

 

we had hell trying for kids and we both were broken hearted for a long time after and it just never recovered. 
 

we haven’t had sex in 4 years and I feel like I said good buy to my sexuality without even knowing it. 
 

He’s not mean but it’s over and I’m sad hurt and grasping for answers.

I’m so sorry to hear that, 4 years is a long time, but you’re still you, and even if that part maybe feels muted, it’s still there, and I do believe you’ll feel it again.

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Ours
10 hours ago, Mackenzie Holiday said:

Hi @Ours

Lastly, and this may be side-stepping your question a bit since you specifically mentioned monogamy, but another reason why I'm personally open to being with allosexuals is that I'm inclined toward polyamory, which, on paper at least, would make these sorts of things a lot easier to work out. t.

I can see the appeal of being poly.  More love more affection. My husband has said he doesn’t want an open relationship. I really don’t get why.  I wouldn’t go behind his back because all we have right now is trust. But do hope to open things up. 

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Zagadka

There are a lot of ace individuals who are perfectly romantically involved, and many who are perfectly happy pleasing their partner sexually. Sexual-asexual relationships can work very well, it takes communication and sometimes compromise. Love is available to everyone.

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Galactic Turtle
7 hours ago, Ours said:

Can I ask if you ever feel lonely or does other friendships and family fulfill you. As someone who is older and has a very dear friend who is a widow she feels lonely but not enough to look for a second love. She doesn’t  consider her self asexual just not worth the effort at 55. 

 

Friends, family, community, and just the people I end up working with in some capacity on my life journey I find to all be fulfilling relationships. Currently my parents are in their early 60's and they are just starting to reach out to friends from earlier in life or social groups to join now that their kids have been out of the house for several years. While I'm not saying that romantic relationships can't be fulfilling or bring happiness, it by no means is the only way. I'd just call it... the most advertised way, advertised so much that people think if they don't achieve if they'll just waste away starved of all human interaction. 

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AceMissBehaving
1 hour ago, Ours said:

I can see the appeal of being poly.  More love more affection. My husband has said he doesn’t want an open relationship. I really don’t get why.  I wouldn’t go behind his back because all we have right now is trust. But do hope to open things up. 

I think one of the fears for a lot of ace partners have is that the allo partner will end up choosing the new person over them, because this 3rd party fills an important need that they cannot.

 

Do you know any poly people he could talk to and get an idea of how it could work and beneficial to both of you?

 

Would he perhaps feel better if he was potentially included in a possibly platonic friend way? That way he wouldn’t be left if the outside of something new. 

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nineGardens
1 hour ago, AceMissBehaving said:

I think one of the fears for a lot of ace partners have is that the allo partner will end up choosing the new person over them, because this 3rd party fills an important need that they cannot.

 

Do you know any poly people he could talk to and get an idea of how it could work and beneficial to both of you?

I mean hell- even without Ace bussiness involved, I've seen this happen, with a poly couple where one of the partners got more attached to their +1 then their spouse, and eventually left.

Not sure how much of that was the poly stuff, and how much was just distance in the marriage.... but in the end I suspect the person who got left will always wonder...

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anisotrophic

You can choose to be open or not, but I don't think you can choose to be polyamorous. Either one is capable of being in love with more than one person at once -- or they aren't. That's a danger with open: someone that's monoamorous is just going to change focus.

 

I thought I was monoamorous but was blindsided by falling in love a couple years ago, without ceasing love for my partner. It wasn't reciprocated and we never dated or were intimate, but it taught me I'm capable of being polyamorous, whether I like it or not.

 

There's books about opening relationships up, and the LGBTQIA+ therapist group we saw also specialized in open&poly stuff. You might want to do more research.

 

Addendum 6 hours later to add: our relationship is nominally open, and I think the OP's question might have been why aces want monogamy – in which case, I think it's a fair question, since removing that pressure seems to have been a good thing for us. But, observations about risking losing a partner seem fair to me, since I don't think polyamory can be chosen.

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Serran
5 hours ago, AceMissBehaving said:

I think one of the fears for a lot of ace partners have is that the allo partner will end up choosing the new person over them, because this 3rd party fills an important need that they cannot.

 

Do you know any poly people he could talk to and get an idea of how it could work and beneficial to both of you?

 

Would he perhaps feel better if he was potentially included in a possibly platonic friend way? That way he wouldn’t be left if the outside of something new. 

Well, it isn't just fear of loss that makes people want monogamy. Some people really cannot do non-monogamy, ace, sexual, doesn't matter. I know for me, the connection we have is special and if it was shared, it would lose all meaning and thus I would fall out of love pretty fast. So, splitting up would happen. 

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Skullery Maid
9 hours ago, anisotrophic said:

You can choose to be open or not, but I don't think you can choose to be polyamorous. Either one is capable of being in love with more than one person at once -- or they aren't. That's a danger with open: someone that's monoamorous is just going to change focus.

So, I think this is why people want monogamy, yeah? But even in poly relationships, there's often jealousy that accompanies that new relationship energy their partners exhibit. I have close friends who are really struggling with jealousy in their poly household. 

 

It's not the sex. It's that two of them sit and gaze lovingly into each other's eyes. That's the thing that's causing problems. 

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Traveler40

Funny thing in my household: It’s not the idea of missed sex or even the love I feel for my lover, but the missed time together that bothers my husband. The relationship that’s developed these last couple of years involves two hobbies now: We both dive and golf like crazy. 


Recently, albeit halfheartedly, my husband has taken up both to join us as he misses the time together. Whatever works I say.  Also, as we mingle more as a group, it gets less awkward. No, I never gaze lovingly into my lover’s eyes in public, so that bit is thankfully spared. 😬. We are in high school, but only ever when we are alone. 
 

Edit: Two thoughts 

1. That’s where the ball got moved on my husband I suppose. It was to be sex...

 

2. Cheating, beyond the dishonesty factor, is unimaginable to me as a source of nourishment given it’s constraints. Being fully open allows for true, deep and lasting connection. As my lover quoted from somewhere: “It’s not the feeding so much as it is the needing...”

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