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Starting a Relationship as an Aromantic


Cole's Username

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Cole's Username

I've heard others say on here that they have significant others despite being aromantic, they just remain platonically attracted to their partner. I was wondering about other's experiences in this area, how you started your relationships, when it came up that you or your partner are aromantic, how you know you want to be in a relationship with them, how you like to spend time with each other, and all the other cute shit!

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Internetlionboy

Hello again ghsdjfhs I don't know me and my bf's relationship just... happened? like it's like we both like talking to each other and it's just been a while since I've felt this strongly about someone. It was like at a certain point that I told him that I really liked him and it'd be nice if we could date and he said that he'd love to and that he likes talking to me and yeah! I mean we met on Tumblr when he messaged me calling me beautiful and I love having him in my life after getting to know him (especially since he still cares about me a lot even after coming out to him as oriented aroace which?? honestly means a lot and I couldn't be happier)

 

I've always known that I was aromantic but I was trying very hard to ignore that. I wanted to be normal (even though I know there's no way to be "normal"), I wanted to either get married with someone and/or live together with someone I love and care about as I loved everything about romance (and still do), so I tried being alloromantic and dating but I just could never be able to be romantically attracted to anyone even if they were the kind of person that you could fall in love in that kind of way after getting to know them! I've learned to accept that I how feel is ok, that platonic love is just as good and wonderful as romantic love, Maybe someday I might actually be able to fall in love with someone romantically and that's ok if that does happen.

 

Anyways for how I wanted to be in a relationship with my bf, I just really like being able to talk to him about anything and everything and he's such a great listener and so supportive that sometimes I don't deserve him. Being able to talk to anyone about anything is definitely like something I look for in a relationship (especially since while I love talking, I could never just open up about how I'm really feeling, ya know? It takes a special kind of trust for me to do that with someone) as well as a good listener of course. Also me and him like video games and cuddling and that's just 👌 yes lmao I like anyone that's a dork and into video games really 😛 He just makes me really happy and I'm always looking forward to when he texts me back and just gsdhfjsh

 

We haven't got the opportunity to go on a date unfortunately cause me and him are from different countries which we're 9 hours apart but we do plan on trying to voice and video chat, though once he has a day off from work so I'm looking forward to when that happens since that's pretty close to a date until I eventually move to England to live with him! ;v;

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I don't know anyone irl or online so I'll be looking forward for your experiences here too.

 

What I would want is somebody who cares - like a safehouse - and who actually invests and commits to the relationship. I have a few very good friends but they have their own life: they have so many significant others (partner, childrens,...) that it is not reallistic for them to invest in a relationship with me. Being physically close or seeing/texting ourselves often is not a requirement. Just the feeling of commitment. I don't have brothers/sister so I'm not sure if this would be the same feeling.

 

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Internetlionboy
5 minutes ago, Saphoune said:

I have a few very good friends but they have their own life: they have so many significant others (partner, childrens,...) that it is not reallistic for them to invest in a relationship with me. Being physically close or seeing/texting ourselves often is not a requirement. Just the feeling of commitment. I don't have brothers/sister so I'm not sure if this would be the same feeling.

 

You're valid! I just like being near someone I love and care about cause I'm both a very touchy kind of person and also very touch starved in general so ghsdfjdsh but commitment is always good, too. I hope you get the kind of relationship you want ❤️

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letusdeleteouraccounts

I don’t have a partner but I’d really like to get one some day that’s also aro ace. In a relationship, I’m looking to express my sensuality. I wanna use them as a pillow every now and then, feel comfortable hugging them instead of my usual handshake, and cuddle up with them at night and just feel really warm from it all. If I had this relationship I would want to spend time with them by going to events like food truck rodeos or maybe the fair. I’d also be fine if we just layed at home together and did nothing for hours or if we found some at home activities to do together. It’s a hard for me because I’m more introverted and not very good at having friends but I’d just want my partner to be there to where we can still feel comfortable in the silence. I’d also want someone that’d commit to me as much as I’d commit to them. They’d put things aside for me as I’d put things aside for them. This is my ideal situation but it’s very unlikely for me to obtain. A boy can dream right though?

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Cole's Username
34 minutes ago, Star Lion said:

I don’t have a partner but I’d really like to get one some day that’s also aro ace. In a relationship, I’m looking to express my sensuality. I wanna use them as a pillow every now and then, feel comfortable hugging them instead of my usual handshake, and cuddle up with them at night and just feel really warm from it all. If I had this relationship I would want to spend time with them by going to events like food truck rodeos or maybe the fair. I’d also be fine if we just layed at home together and did nothing for hours or if we found some at home activities to do together. It’s a hard for me because I’m more introverted and not very good at having friends but I’d just want my partner to be there to where we can still feel comfortable in the silence. I’d also want someone that’d commit to me as much as I’d commit to them. They’d put things aside for me as I’d put things aside for them. This is my ideal situation but it’s very unlikely for me to obtain. A boy can dream right though?

Awww I love that! That sounds like exactly the kind of relationship I'd want to be in one day. Here's to finding our "partners" one day! (Get it? Partners? Rodeo? hahahaahhahahahahahahahhh. ha.)

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Galactic Turtle

I do think about this sometimes. Being repulsed by touch pretty thoroughly shuts me out of any realistic partnership scenario. The way I communicate and receive intimacy is much more limited than I'd say it is for the vast majority of people. It disqualifies me from partnering with people who do have sexual and/or romantic leanings which leaves me just with aro ace people. Even then, the vast majority of aro ace people I assume I also wouldn't click with since I have no interest in cuddling or being on call 24/7 for whatever emotional turmoil they might be experiencing that day (I can barely handle the one emotionally high maintenance friend I have right now). The type of work I do has me on the road 11 months a year so it's the norm for me to sustain my current relationships with people through the use of technology. 

 

But like I said, I do think about partnership sometimes. I've met two people who I thought "I wouldn't mind bringing them closer into my orbit." That's how I visualize it. "More than friends" doesn't really mean much to me except maybe a sibling. I have an older sister. We could not speak for months but that doesn't make her any more or less my sister. We could be physically apart from each other for just as long and she'll still be my sister. I could find myself in a legitimately dangerous/difficult situation and I know I can call my sister despite all of our differences because we love each other... platonically. There are two women I have met in life who I just feel like we operate on the same frequency. I get legitimately excited when they message me because it probably means I'm going to get a life update or be brought into an interesting conversation they've been having in their head for a while. We have a similar world outlook/attitude and there is mutual admiration. They both have boyfriends and are straight as nails yet both have asked me to live with them on more than one occasion. Of course it was never possible for me given the fact that I'm always traveling.

 

I don't choose to maintain relationships with all that many people. Outside of my family I put effort into maintaining contact with exactly five. Two I talk to in some capacity most days/every other day, two I speak to every week or two, and one I speak to every month or so. That last one has the same lifestyle as me (traveling for work all the time) so I highly value our interactions. 

 

Rather than being partner-oriented, I've found myself to be community-oriented. I operate the best that way whereas partnerships feel overbearing, tedious, and unnatural. I'm very uncomfortable around men so I've never had male friends. In that sense you could say I'm "oriented" towards women by default. Rather than a partner, I hope to gain more sisters as I grow older. Hopefully my relationship with them will continue for life, maybe it won't. I don't think someone needs to be in every chapter of your life in order to be someone of value in your life.  I don't understand wanting to dump everything that is you onto one individual being. Life to me is at its core a solo journey but it's made more comfortable by the interesting characters you meet along the way. 

 

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DarkStormyKnight

I'm aro-spec but like... I hope it'll happen. I was in a relationship before I totally figured out the aro thing and I'm hoping that being open about it will make things a little easier.

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On 10/16/2019 at 1:07 PM, Galactic Turtle said:

But like I said, I do think about partnership sometimes. I've met two people who I thought "I wouldn't mind bringing them closer into my orbit." That's how I visualize it.

I like the way that you describe it. This is very poetic and also how I feel.

On 10/16/2019 at 1:07 PM, Galactic Turtle said:

Rather than being partner-oriented, I've found myself to be community-oriented. I operate the best that way whereas partnerships feel overbearing, tedious, and unnatural.

This is also what I am now.

Before I was adverse to casual social interactions. There is hope that one day I will go further, to the partnership level.

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I'm not in a partnership and don't really want one, but I think I could only get to the point of considering someone That Person if I happened to meet them in a typical platonic way. I would never actively search for a QPP. I actually prefer to keep different realms of my life separate, so I don't really see how finding a person I really connect with on a deeper friendship level would turn into an official relationship of any sense. It's very unlikely I'll introduce new friends to my family, or to most of my old friends, let alone regularly invite them to gatherings.

 

I'm also more community-oriented. Seeking a partner seems to put a lot of pressure and expectation on a single relationship. I thrive on AVEN because it's a collective environment. I get along with people I see regularly at the dog park because we see multiple people/dogs frequently, so we have more to talk about. I like group conversations more at work than individual ones, because it removes the pressure of sharing things about my own life. I can maintain individual friendships just fine, but it's not my primary means of social fulfillment. 

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I became friends with my boyfriend after attending a group and there was a pull with him that I didn’t feel with the other people there. He asked me out a few months later and I said yes because I did like him. About a year later I started questioning if I was aro, our relationship went from being a romantic one to being a QPR because I felt uncomfortable with it being a romantic relationship. A few months after it went back to being dating. I’m still not 100% certain if I’m aro or not, or if I’m romantically attracted to him but I know I love him and want many things from our relationship that would be considered romantic. 
He’s polyamorous and not asexual so to combat that we have rules about other people that are mostly “tell me if something might start going on”. The most important thing is communication and trust. On the surface our relationship would  look like best friends, physically, but we are happy with how it is. There’s been hiccups when I thought we might break up but it’s been two and a half years so far and we’re going strong. 

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I met my girlfriend through a mutual friend. She invited me to go to a theme park with her, and it was there that I started to suspect that she liked me. Holding hands and using pet names was not behavior I had observed her displaying towards other friends. I know that a lot of arospec folks are romance repulsed or just not that happy about romance in general, but that isn’t me. I was flattered and liked it. So long story short when she asked me out I said yes. 
 

I of course talked to her about the fact that while I don’t have an exact grip on my relationship to romance and there are some romance coded activities that I enjoy, I’m not comfortable with everything. She is surprisingly understanding. It helps that she is also asexual and is perfectly happy with just cuddling. 
 

I always worry that there will be some moment in which my partner has a need that I cannot fulfill, so in every relationship I’ve ever been in I make it clear that if they want another partner, I’m perfectly okay with that. Just let me know. 

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On 10/26/2019 at 9:02 PM, lonelyace said:

I always worry that there will be some moment in which my partner has a need that I cannot fulfill, so in every relationship I’ve ever been in I make it clear that if they want another partner, I’m perfectly okay with that. Just let me know. 

Honnesty is a must I think. Then letting go is the right thing to do: it is logical and loving. It sometimes require a lot or strenght.

This worry may keep me from ever starting any meaningful relationship in the first place since I value strong commitment. I hope that working on my self-confidence will help me take that risk. Or maybe finding other priorities in relationships and learn to appreciate relationships day-to-day?

 

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10 hours ago, Saphoune said:

Honnesty is a must I think. Then letting go is the right thing to do: it is logical and loving. It sometimes require a lot or strenght.

This worry may keep me from ever starting any meaningful relationship in the first place since I value strong commitment. I hope that working on my self-confidence will help me take that risk. Or maybe finding other priorities in relationships and learn to appreciate relationships day-to-day?

 

I’m gonna have to go back and edit my post because I meant to point out that I am polyamerous and would like for my partners to have other partners besides myself to fulfill needs that I can’t. Apparently I spaced out and didn’t mention that. I’m sorry. 

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On 10/28/2019 at 9:52 PM, lonelyace said:

I’m gonna have to go back and edit my post because I meant to point out that I am polyamerous and would like for my partners to have other partners besides myself to fulfill needs that I can’t. Apparently I spaced out and didn’t mention that. I’m sorry. 

Of course no need to "let go". Sorry I didn't think about this possibility. Polyamory is still a new concept into my vision of relationships but it is certainly valid.

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On 10/29/2019 at 4:54 PM, Saphoune said:

Of course no need to "let go". Sorry I didn't think about this possibility. Polyamory is still a new concept into my vision of relationships but it is certainly valid.

No need to apologize. There are times when relationships don’t work out and letting go is the best option but that’s just how relationships are regardless of whether or not a person is aspec. 

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