How Important Is Coming Out?

[Cole's Username]

Howdy,

 

I'm newly and openly asexual (thanks to this forum and the help of my sister,) and I'd like to know what others thoughts are on "coming out." Personally, I don't feel like asexuality is that important for other people to know about. Maybe it's just me but I always think the conversation will go something like "I'm asexual" "why should I care?" I've come out to my roommates and 2 close friends because I thought they'd have some reason/interest in knowing, but generally I don't really need people to treat me any differently because of my identity and if it ever comes to a head like someone asking me out and me not being ready for a relationship I'd be entirely comfortable with politely turning them down and explaining I'm asexual.

 

I feel very comfortable telling others, and I'll likely tell my family next time I see, but I often just don't see any real reason to bring it up, and when I do think I should tell someone that's often the thing that stops me from doing so. Thoughts/experiences?

[Artistofnoname]

I only say anything about being asexual if asked directly, for the sake of honesty, or just in passing which is rare. More or less on a need to know basis.

For the most part I just try not to talk about it since it isn't particularly an interesting subject and I just don't see it as important

[Lichley]

Yeah, people tend to push for you to come out as much as possible to as many people as possible, but really it’s more of a case by case basis where you need to consider the views of the person, the priority of them knowing, and whether or not you feel comfortable discussing it with them. 

[Cole's Username]

Thanks for the fast responses, glad to know I'm not the only one who was thinking the same way. I'll keep it for when it comes up then.

[everywhere and nowhere]

I am sex-averse, so I prefer being out as asexual to avoid psychologically uncomfortable situations in which others could assume that I might be sexually active.

[Cole's Username]

1 minute ago, Nowhere Girl said:

I am sex-averse, so I prefer being out as asexual to avoid psychologically uncomfortable situations in which others could assume that I might be sexually active.

Fair point, I understand how uncomfortable that would be to have to be around. Thanks for letting others besides myself get the same helpful info as I did 😁

[CancerIsAStarsign]

I'm very open about my asexuality, mostly for reasons Nowhere Girl has stated, but when I told my parents they completely invalidated me and told me to call myself chaste or something, lest I be considered LGBT (The horror!). They immediately forgot I was ace and continued talking at me about things, but I don't think I'm ever going to come out to them again. (Sigh)

 

I am still incredibly open with everyone else I meet though, and strangely, it comes up a lot more in my life than could ever be considered normal.

 

Basically, choose your battles. ❤️ Also, welcome to AVEN! 🎂

[Grimalkin]

For me personally, it's only extremely important to tell the people you plan on dating. Outside of that, I told my immediate family and best friends, just so they would know why I'm suddenly struggling with the goal I've always had of settling down and starting a family.

 

I also bring it up if sexuality ever comes up in conversation, but that's about it.

[Finch Koala]

The people I'm close to know that I'm asexual but if you're not a close friend you probably wouldn't know. If it comes up I have no problem with saying I'm ace, or if someone asks directly I'll tell them. I don't advertise my asexuality but I'm not careful about hiding it either. You do you. 

[banana monkey]

Yeah, I kinda feel the same way you do except I do feel its important to tell potential partners or partners as they will likely be expecting a normal sexual relationship and you will have to compromise somewhere along the way. They may decide they cant do that, in which case its only fair to let them know about your sexuality to enable them to make that decision and leave if necessary. Saves a lot of hurt. I know because although I really wanted to come out to my ex (due to the above views) I physically couldnt do it (my mouth was physically paralysed when I tried and my lips would not move). We ended up having different romantic expectations as well and not realising the other wasnt on the same page romantically so he got really hurt when I broke up with him for his sake (because I couldnt come out and we had different expectations). 

 

I will tell people if it comes up in conversation and I feel comfortable enough with that person. It usually starts with a what are you doing at the weekend? - going to an aven meet type of thing. 

[Internetlionboy]

Basically coming out is your decision, don't feel like you have to come out if you don't want to. Some people want to tell everyone and be openly out, some only come out to their current/future partners, it's just a matter of preference really.

[Chef Remy]

It is important to come out to yourself and accept yourself. I have told close friends when I first heard about the term and come out to them. Most people who I found out I was asexual didn't care.

Two "facebook friends" who I was not really close to or talked to that much unfriend me when I made a comment on asexual group and found out I was asexual.

I wear an ace ring and have asexual flag on my car. But no one has asked me about it.

I am not out, but do not hide it either.

[Drunk&Confused]

I am in my 20s and have never 'come out' to people. Idk what I really identify by. I love my friends & fam, but Im in texas and had never heard of this until I was trying to figure out what was 'wrong' w/ me. They would prob say i just havnt met the right person, but idk if thats ever gonna happen if I even wanted it. 

 

I may never (except to yall obv) and I feel like thats chill. Also, I dont want ppl to feel like im tryin for attention or to make myself 'special' ya feel?

 

[SithLord]

I talk about sex a lot with my friends. It would probably be weird, and my sexual bf definitely thinks it's weird but it's just me. So it's important for me to be out and open since my experience with sex and relationships is quite different from most peoples and I like them to know why rather than assume. Like I was talking about polygamy and open relationship and how I'm technically in one, and my friends wondered how one would ever be okay with sharing their sexual/romantic partner with another, so I explained my view of it. Or when other friends and I were talking about our "types" and mine were all mental or personality traits while they wanted physical traits so I had to explain why I didn't really care. It's just the way I am. 

 

I find being out is important if one wants to be. Obviously I'm not going to out someone if they don't want to be, but I think being out is important for visibility. We want to be recognized by society, obviously we need to be out so others can see we exist. We can hardly blame people for not believing in asexuality if 99% of asexuals just keep it to themselves. Like how trans people and other non-hetero orientations gained acceptance only by being out and open about it.

[Ringmaster04]

For me, coming out both times was really a matter of comfort. In both being gay and being ace, there was a time where I was generally more comfortable being in and at some point it was more comfortable for me being out, so I came out. Other than with my mom (where I forced the conversation), coming out has always been as a response to a question (sometimes me forcing the question by saying something, wearing something, etc). When I was in as ace, my friends would talk a lot about sex around me and I would play along as best I could until I kinda had enough of it and then decided to come out. Now 1) they don't expect me to be responsive to such discussion and 2) they generally ask for my perspective as an ace. 

 

Coming out as gay was similar. It was really just a matter of feeling more comfortable keeping things in until there came a time where it just felt more comfortable being out. Early on it just feels better to be perceived as "normal" and not upset the apple cart as it were, but it starts to eat at you until you're finally ready to come out and once you do, you feel better again.

 

That's why it's so important that people be allowed to come out on their own volition when they're ready. And you can be out in certain groups and settings and not out in others.

[Kimmie.]

For me i see no reason in coming out to anyone more than a possible future partner. 

[Homer]

I think you're on the right track. Personally I find not being interested in sex to be such a miniscule part of my personality that it's just not worth making a fuss about. Then again, I'm also not interested in romance, which eliminates about 107% of the cases where not wanting to bang could possibly be an issue for me, so that goes together just fine.