Have you ever been worried you might not be asexual?

[Missing]

I've only been here for about a week but I've picked up on a pattern that a lot of people come here worried that some new feelings or experiences might disqualify them from being able to identify as asexual. It doesn't really look to me like they ask the questions they do because the FAQs aren't sufficiently defining asexuality. I usually get the sense that they're worried about no longer being able to justify on paper belonging to a community that they feel a strong sense of belonging to, or that they won't be accepted into it in the first place. And that's no way to live.

 

So I'm really curious to find out how common this kind of anxiety is for other aces. Is this something you've ever worried about? If so, why? I would love to hear about your experiences, or discuss ways we can help our fellow A-specs or ace-questioning people feel more confident in who they are, whoever they may be.

[SithLord]

I worried about it a lot in the beginning when I was first using the label, but less over time and it's come to the point of if I'm not asexual, who cares? I'm still close enough for it to not really matter and I would still stick around because AVEN is the perfect cure to my loneliness and boredom. 

 

I worried about it in the beginning because I had just found the label. I wanted so desperately to understand what I was feeling and to make sure I wasn't just making things up in my head and making shapes out of clouds. I was afraid that if I wasn't ace, what was I? Was I broken? An outcast? Doomed to never belong anywhere and never be fully understood? 

And I was 18/19 when I first started questioning then around 20/21 when I stopped caring, so it was mostly because I was an idiot teenager who hadn't fully matured and come into herself yet. I still had almost no self confidence and was seeking validation and understanding. 

 

Some people desperately need a label to feel accepted. Or else need others to validate their feelings so they know they're not crazy, alone, etc. Some people don't need those things or else grow out of them. I find labels can be both comforting and restricting. Jump in that box if you like it, but don't force yourself to fit into a box that doesn't and will never fit. All boxes are welcome on AVEN.

[Internetlionboy]

I only have doubts every now and then. I'm definitely one of the folks out there that uses a label just to feel accepted and I'm the happiest using ones that are broad and don't have to worry about not fitting in those boxes if something happens (not like that's a problem or anything if that does happen!) Labels are very comforting for me but I try not to stress out a lot about it and just keep living my life and experiment if I need to.

[Lord Jade Cross]

I doubt I would turn out to be anytjing else, but even if the case was that, I dont think it would matter much as I would still not seek out sex for the simple fact that it doesnt contribute anything useful to my life

 

[RosyLeo]

This is something I worry about frequently still, though not as much as when I first sort of "came out" as ace in July of this year.

 

In order to confidently identify as asexual I've been forced to dredge up and confront some past trauma to be sure that I'm not just using asexuality as an excuse to not deal with those things, because they need to be resolved for me to be mentally healthy.  I'm trying to work things out to be a better, more honest, kind, and genuine person, and not being asexual at this point would mean that I've lied to myself about my feelings and created even more confusion, getting farther away from my goal.  Also, a label should be descriptive, rather than prescriptive, and I don't want to subconsciously conform my thoughts and behavior to the terms, or more insidiously, let my memories be colored and corrupted by them.  For this reason I try not to use labels so definitively for myself, although after the massive amount of thought and questioning I've done, I do believe I can confidently identify as asexual, despite still not knowing all the answers.

 

I think my worries could be summed up by saying: is this really who I'm supposed to be?

[RoseGoesToYale]

Yeah, that's why I stopped holding on to labels. Whatever happens happens, whatever doesn't doesn't.

[Galactic Turtle]

For me it's never worrying about if I'm asexual or sexual, it's am I asexual or mentally/physiologically stunted because I'm on the stereotypical extreme end of what those usually assume asexual people are. Just completely devoid of all even remotely sexual feelings or desires.

[œddy]

Yup, that's why I realised I was using it as an excuse for celibacy. Its fine to choose being single and happy. 

[A Cool Fool]

-

[gray-a girl]

6 hours ago, Mackenzie Holiday said:

I've only been here for about a week but I've picked up on a pattern that a lot of people come here worried that some new feelings or experiences might disqualify them from being able to identify as asexual. It doesn't really look to me like they ask the questions they do because the FAQs aren't sufficiently defining asexuality. I usually get the sense that they're worried about no longer being able to justify on paper belonging to a community that they feel a strong sense of belonging to, or that they won't be accepted into it in the first place. And that's no way to live.

 

So I'm really curious to find out how common this kind of anxiety is for other aces. Is this something you've ever worried about? If so, why? I would love to hear about your experiences, or discuss ways we can help our fellow A-specs or ace-questioning people feel more confident in who they are, whoever they may be.

I think there is a very very good reason why so many people here are afraid asexuality isn't the right label for them. There is a very vocal minority who will insist you are not asexual if you do not meet x, y, z criteria. It doesn't matter how the person themselves feels, this vocal minority will insist on kicking you out of the asexual label if you do not meet THEIR criteria, which isn't even AVEN's criteria. I also think, the amount of insecurity about ones orientation here as asexual, also contributes to people being too quick to judge others and too quick to invalidate others, if others experience asexuality differently.

 

With all the insecurity going around, we shouldn't be making things worse by insisting that someone is or is not asexual, when ultimately it's the person's life, they need to decide that. I do think there are other things than can mask themselves as asexuality, though, such as a phobia of sex. Having a phobia of sex doesn't mean you're not asexual, but personally I think until it's dealt with you can't ever know for sure, because fear can kill ones sex drive and ones sexual attraction. Some people might not feel it's worth it to deal with and find out, and that's ok too, even though it's possible that they may not be asexual if they had it dealt with. But some people might feel its more worth it to be asexual than deal with their phobia. And hey, everyone should live the life they want. I do think it's healthier to deal with any emotional issues or phobias, though, just because its never good to bury stuff.

 

 

 

4 hours ago, t. Ro said:

This is something I worry about frequently still, though not as much as when I first sort of "came out" as ace in July of this year.

 

In order to confidently identify as asexual I've been forced to dredge up and confront some past trauma to be sure that I'm not just using asexuality as an excuse to not deal with those things, because they need to be resolved for me to be mentally healthy.  I'm trying to work things out to be a better, more honest, kind, and genuine person, and not being asexual at this point would mean that I've lied to myself about my feelings and created even more confusion, getting farther away from my goal.  Also, a label should be descriptive, rather than prescriptive, and I don't want to subconsciously conform my thoughts and behavior to the terms, or more insidiously, let my memories be colored and corrupted by them.  For this reason I try not to use labels so definitively for myself, although after the massive amount of thought and questioning I've done, I do believe I can confidently identify as asexual, despite still not knowing all the answers.

 

I think my worries could be summed up by saying: is this really who I'm supposed to be?

Good for you! That's the healthy thing to do. I'm all for dealing with mental health issues instead of burying them. I don't know what your issues are, but it's never good to just ignore them. However if someone wants to do that, it is their choice.

[oldgeeza]

I've always known that I'm not sexually driven, I still see people as attractive, I love contact such as cuddling etc, but as for sexual intercourse, that's something that although I've tried it, I just didn't like it.

[Laplace]

Not really; if I turn out not to be so somehow, oh well. Like what’s the worst that’ll happen to me? I’ll just be like, “Oh, guess I was wrong,” and that will be that.  No use being anxious over something that is inherently tied to emotions you largely cannot control. I’d still post here about being really poorly attuned to all the nuances of romance and stuff even if I turned out not to be aro/ace.

[Alejandrogynous]

I have doubts sometimes but I wouldn't call it "worry," since there's nothing wrong with being sexual. I'm fine being asexual but if I have that magic lightning bolt moment somewhere down the line and turns out I'm not ace after all, that's cool too.

 

9 hours ago, Mackenzie Holiday said:

I usually get the sense that they're worried about no longer being able to justify on paper belonging to a community that they feel a strong sense of belonging to, or that they won't be accepted into it in the first place.

Everybody is welcome in the community. Asexual, gray, sexual, it doesn't matter - anybody who feels a connection to the community or gets something positive out of being here, belongs here. I think a big part of the problem is people being unable to separate the label from the community, and think that if they're told that their (described) experiences might not fit the label they're using, they're being kicked out. But that's not what's happening. Nobody has to "justify" being here and nobody is telling anyone to leave.

 

Potentially realizing that you're not as asexual as you thought should really not be that scary of an idea. People change and grow, it's natural, and stunting that growth to keep a label - or twisting that label to fit your new experiences - doesn't help you or anyone. Not being asexual does not equal your struggle being invalidated, and nobody's going to kick you out of the community for it. 

[AceMissBehaving]

I never did till I came out. Now I sometimes wonder if I’m wrong somehow and gonna get busted as a fake. I do however largely recognize this as my BFF imposter syndrome finding yet another crevice to sink itself into.

[Skycaptain]

Certainly not worried about this. Do I ever wonder that at some point in the future an event may cause me to reconsider myself grey or demi? Yes, but there's signs of this happening 

[everywhere and nowhere]

It sometimes bothers me, particularly since I'm not even asexual according to the attraction-based definition. But I stopped caring about it much, I know that my thoughtfeeling matters more than labels. Even if I'm not asexual - I am anyway a person who doesn't want to have sex. Because I know that I don't want to have sex.

[gray-a girl]

10 hours ago, oldgeeza said:

I've always known that I'm not sexually driven, I still see people as attractive, I love contact such as cuddling etc, but as for sexual intercourse, that's something that although I've tried it, I just didn't like it.

So you still find people sexually attractive? You just don't want to have sex with them? 

[gray-a girl]

6 hours ago, Alejandrogynous said:

I have doubts sometimes but I wouldn't call it "worry," since there's nothing wrong with being sexual. I'm fine being asexual but if I have that magic lightning bolt moment somewhere down the line and turns out I'm not ace after all, that's cool too.

 

Everybody is welcome in the community. Asexual, gray, sexual, it doesn't matter - anybody who feels a connection to the community or gets something positive out of being here, belongs here. I think a big part of the problem is people being unable to separate the label from the community, and think that if they're told that their (described) experiences might not fit the label they're using, they're being kicked out. But that's not what's happening. Nobody has to "justify" being here and nobody is telling anyone to leave.

 

Potentially realizing that you're not as asexual as you thought should really not be that scary of an idea. People change and grow, it's natural, and stunting that growth to keep a label - or twisting that label to fit your new experiences - doesn't help you or anyone. Not being asexual does not equal your struggle being invalidated, and nobody's going to kick you out of the community for it. 

I think the problem comes when, you really are asexual according to AVEN's definition, but other people are telling you that you're not. Then (in my case) I'll explain, this is why I'm asexual despite being sex favorable.... and they somehow completely ignore what I say and .... I don't know what? Assume its intimacy issues or something? Except its not. I've fallen in love, I'm very close to someone. I just don't find him or anyone sexually attractive. So I feel like, when I explain what my difficulties are, they act as if I have had no difficulties because of my asexuality? I still can't figure out why they completely ignore what I say, about the difficulties I've had with dating because of my lack of attraction to people. Or maybe they just think... I don't know I don't get it? I am not sexually attracted to people, but maybe they are insisting that I am because they call me sexual? Actually this whole thing really confuses me, as to why people keep telling me I'm sexual despite me telling them that I don't find people attractive and despite me telling them the difficulties I've had with dating because of this.

I have nothing against being sexual. I get accused of having something against being sexual too, and really I don't. I rather wish I was, I think my dating life would have looked a lot different up until now, and dating in general would be a lot easier and probably more fun.

But some people on here think they know everything about another person's life. There are people on here that, I do not think are really asexual at all, but, unless they start invalidating my asexuality I'll be polite and never call them out on it.

[Davida]

18 hours ago, t. Ro said:

In order to confidently identify as asexual I've been forced to dredge up and confront some past trauma to be sure that I'm not just using asexuality as an excuse to not deal with those things, because they need to be resolved for me to be mentally healthy.  I'm trying to work things out to be a better, more honest, kind, and genuine person, and not being asexual at this point would mean that I've lied to myself about my feelings and created even more confusion, getting farther away from my goal.  Also, a label should be descriptive, rather than prescriptive, and I don't want to subconsciously conform my thoughts and behavior to the terms, or more insidiously, let my memories be colored and corrupted by them.  For this reason I try not to use labels so definitively for myself, although after the massive amount of thought and questioning I've done, I do believe I can confidently identify as asexual, despite still not knowing all the answers.

 

I think my worries could be summed up by saying: is this really who I'm supposed to be?

@t. Ro, thanks for sharing. I can relate to you. I very recently had a breakthrough regarding confronting past trauma. There were all these categories in my mind that seemed mutually exclusive: "Has sexual abuse made me this way?" "But I suffered from a sex and love addiction for a good chunk of my life." (I feel compelled to qualify that sex addiction is a complicated, harmful, and compulsive pattern of behavior. It cannot be explained away by assuming the addict is just hypersexual.) "Is this residual old school Catholic repression?" "My current spiritual path reveals desire and attachment as the cause of suffering, so why would I try so hard to cultivate so-called healthy sexual attraction to my partner?" "I am not seeking celibacy as a spiritual path because there's no sexual desire to surrender." I came to understand these things are all integrated into my experience to make me who I am in the world now. To give an indication of how much work I've done on myself, a therapist my husband and I saw together recently was reduced to tears by my history and accomplishments, and told me I earned an honorary degree in his profession. I say this to preface that after all the work and introspection, I was able to give up trying to fit into sexual normativeness. That is, after peeling back so many layers, I find myself peacefully without sexual desire. I've been able to express a lot of realizations to my husband, and he has been beautifully supportive. Yet, I am hesitant to "come out" to him as asexual because I don't want to come across as boxing myself in with a label. To myself privately, and in this community of peers, I do identify as ace because, as you eloquently put it @t. Ro, it is descriptive and not prescriptive. I am concerned that in defining asexuality to someone else such as my husband, I may come across as defending a position rather than expanding on my sense of freedom in shedding the old label of heterosexual. 

[Marlow1]

22 hours ago, gray-a girl said:

I think the problem comes when, you really are asexual according to AVEN's definition, but other people are telling you that you're not. Then (in my case) I'll explain, this is why I'm asexual despite being sex favorable.... and they somehow completely ignore what I say and .... I don't know what? Assume its intimacy issues or something? Except its not. I've fallen in love, I'm very close to someone. I just don't find him or anyone sexually attractive. So I feel like, when I explain what my difficulties are, they act as if I have had no difficulties because of my asexuality? I still can't figure out why they completely ignore what I say, about the difficulties I've had with dating because of my lack of attraction to people. Or maybe they just think... I don't know I don't get it? I am not sexually attracted to people, but maybe they are insisting that I am because they call me sexual? Actually this whole thing really confuses me, as to why people keep telling me I'm sexual despite me telling them that I don't find people attractive and despite me telling them the difficulties I've had with dating because of this.

I have nothing against being sexual. I get accused of having something against being sexual too, and really I don't. I rather wish I was, I think my dating life would have looked a lot different up until now, and dating in general would be a lot easier and probably more fun.

But some people on here think they know everything about another person's life. There are people on here that, I do not think are really asexual at all, but, unless they start invalidating my asexuality I'll be polite and never call them out on it.

@gray-a girl In my everyday life when speaking to Allosexual folk they tell me that they do get attracted to people, some say occasionally, others say a lot, none have ever said to me that they have never been attracted to anybody. Only here at AVEN have I ever heard of anybody that says they never get attracted, and these folk have always identified as Asexual

 

As you know, up until the age of 35 years old I had never been sexually attracted to anybody, and this is in part why I am interested in this subject. The other reasons are my limited attraction now, and finding language so that I can communicate effectively with my wife

 

When I arrived here at AVEN it was explained to me that when folk are like I used to be, literally never ever becoming attracted to other people, that is Asexuality. And that being able to become attracted is usually sexual, but that there are some folk that rarely become attracted, like me (In my case this is only ever with one person), then this can be described as Demisexual or Greysexual. After examining these concepts I opted for Demisexual because that is what fits me best

 

From what I am reading, there are many folk here that do not experience sexual attraction at all. Some of these folk are not repulsed, nor indifferent, but they are saying that they are interested in sex, hence identifying as Sex Favourable. I cannot say that I fully understand this because my experience is different (but I do accept it all the same) because for me No Attraction = No Libido/No Desire, but I do recognise that this can come in a different order for other people, hence why there are folk under the Asexual Umberella that identify differently to me. But what I do know is that in my case the attraction preceeds the libido and desire and so in my case it has to be the attraction that determines my sexuality, it cannot be the desire???

 

If it was argued that my desire is what determines my sexuality then that would be confusing for me since I must have sexual attraction first. 

 

It is kind of like this. Up until the age of 35 years old most folk here would have regarded me as Asexual. No Attraction = No Libido/No Desire

 

Now of course things have changed for me. Attraction (In certain circumstances) = Libido/Desire. 

 

If my wife dies I assure you that I 100% know (re period of time brain hemhorrage) I will return to the No Attraction = No Libido/No Desire state

 

I obviously now know that I am Demisexual not Asexual, but it just not going to happen again for me. Without all the factors that are there between my wife and I, I cannot become attracted

 

Now folk say that I am talking about physical attraction when I say this, but I am not, it is all aspects of a person, I cannot become sexually attracted to anything about a person, not unless it is the specific mix I have here now here with my wife, and circumstances count too

 

So yes you are correct when you say some folk literally cannot become sexually attracted to anybody and that this is not just about appearance, it is across the board of anything that a person can mention. I don't have the libido or desire without the attraction but I know that there are definately people that do, many do, but if they are not experiencing the attraction that Allosexual describe they are identifying as Asexual. 

 

As I said earlier many Asexual folk have described this to me, but no Allosexual person has ever described not becoming attracted at all?? Not one, not ever! 

[Guest]

No never. I discovered the term "asexual" in my mid-20s and realised it described my experience completely, and it still does years later. There's never been any reason to doubt. I am open to the possibility that I may one day experience sexual attraction or desire for sex, but if I do then that's cool, nothing to be worried or upset about. If I turn out to be some sort of gray-sexual I will still feel a part of this community.

[Lunala]

A few times but my libido is pretty much nonexistent and usually only comes like once every 6 months at most (and that's when I get scared I'm not ace even though I am), and I am very sex-repulsed.