I Don't Know What I'm Feeling and I'm Frustrated

[Here&Queer]

*quiet screaming*

 

I honestly don't even know what I'm feeling right now. I've identified as aromantic for almost two years now. I've been out to everyone in my life (everyone that matters, anyways) for a year. But right now... This might be the closest thing to romantic attraction I've ever felt, and I am doubting myself more and more every day. The thing is, I met a guy. Well, technically we've been friends for a year, and while I've always had a minor squish on him, it has gotten so unbelievably intense. He and I have been spending more and more time together, and we've started texting, even staying up late to talk. I'm so happy to be around him and I keep checking my phone to see if he's texted me. But I can't tell if these feelings are romantic or alterous, and while intellectually I know it really doesn't matter, I can't help but obsessively try to figure it out. I've always been someone who likes boxes and labels to describe myself, and the fact that I can't seem to categorize these feelings makes me feel like tearing my hair out. It's beyond frustrating. I was just going about my merry way, being aromantic and having a great time, and then this just hit me out of seemingly nowhere. I didn't plan to feel like this for someone. And now that I do, I have no idea how to react to it. I'm so angry with myself for allowing myself to feel so out-of-control and for acting like a smitten schoolgirl. I hate it, but I just can't help myself from grinning ear to ear as we banter and joke and just generally talk. And I don't know what to do. There are other things going on in my life that I feel I've lost control over, and now I feel like I'm losing control of my own emotions. I just feel so lost and frustrated and I don't have many people in my life who I can talk to about this. 

 

I don't know what the point of this post is. Mostly to word-vomit my confusion into the internet void so that it would stop bouncing around in my head for hours upon hours. That, and I guess also to see if anyone else has something to say on this topic. In summary, I care about this guy more than I ever intended to, and I can't figure out what I'm supposed to do about it, or what it means. And it sucks. 

[elizabeth17]

hi friend! first of all you're so valid- labels are really comforting for some people - they were important to me when I was figuring out my asexuality(which was like super recent, like July-August hhaha) but these days I'm more indifferent to labels. Sorry off track here we go- I've had/am currently having a similar experience where I've grown super close to a guy who is my best friend - we spend a lot of time together and often cuddle and kiss each other's noses and foreheads, but not lips. I was also like hella confused at first- we got physically close like very quickly after I came out as ace/aro. I still consider myself pretty asexual but have stopped trying to pin down a romantic identity on myself because I honestly don't even know what romantic attraction is and I've grown to be ok with that. I'd use the term QPR (queer/quasi platonic relationship) to describe our relationship if asked to but I truly don't care about romantic labels now. You can message me if you want to talk more. Also looking up QPRs could be comforting/reassuring for you. Also remember 1) it's ok if labels change it doesn't mean you're invalid or that you were invalid when you used a certain label it just means you're changing and as identity isn't static that's super valid and ok 2) just because you think you might be experiencing some sort of romantic attraction doesn't make you any less aro- it's a massively messy complex spectrum. feeling romantically attracted to one individual (if you think you're experiencing romantic attraction) doesn't invalidate your aro identity 

[Internetlionboy]

Hey I totally get what you feel as I have been in the same boat. Sometimes I don't know what kind of attraction I'm feeling (and it doesn't help that being autistic makes it more confusing for me and I don't think I'll ever be able to differentiate my feelings so gshdfjh) I think what helped be able to figure out that I'm aro is that of all the people I dated, I never really saw them any different like how people that aren't on the arospec describe their feelings about their partners. I just saw them as really good friends of mine who I love spending time with and all that best friend stuff. Especially when I say I love you to them and I only say it in a platonic way and yeah ghsdjfshd

 

I just want to let you know that platonic feelings can be as intense as romantic ones (I'm not saying that's how it is for you in your situation but I just want to let you know that's a possibility, too aaa) and there's nothing wrong with how you feel! I wish you luck ;v;

 

2 minutes ago, elizabeth17 said:

it's a massively messy complex spectrum. feeling romantically attracted to one individual (if you think you're experiencing romantic attraction) doesn't invalidate your aro identity 

Yeah this is a good thing to note, too!!

[Here&Queer]

11 minutes ago, Internetlionboy said:

I just want to let you know that platonic feelings can be as intense as romantic ones (I'm not saying that's how it is for you in your situation but I just want to let you know that's a possibility, too aaa) and there's nothing wrong with how you feel! I wish you luck ;v;

Thank you so much for the support!! That is really reassuring to hear, I needed that.

[Here&Queer]

Ahhh thank you @elizabeth17, I started crying reading your message. "massively messy complex spectrum" is pretty much a summary of my feelings right now, so it's really reassuring to hear you use that phrase in relation to being aro. I can't tell you how much I needed to hear those things, so thank you. I think part of it is just learning to let go of the need to understand everything. When I read that you "don't even know what romantic attraction is and [have] grown to be ok with that", I felt a part of me relax. If I can stop trying to over analyze my thoughts and emotions, perhaps I can feel more at peace with everything that is going on. Discovering your identities is a long and crazy journey but it means a lot knowing that I have the support of a good community.

[AcademicAro]

Your experience is so valid, and it is something I've been struggling with as well! I recently identified myself as aro, or at least grey-romantic. It's been difficult for me to get to this point because I had previously only heard of aro in combination with ace, which I am definitely not. Knowing that I am aro as an identity gave me so much validity and helped me to understand the weirdness of all of my dating/sexual/romantic relationships. But a couple months after I found that identity, I met someone else who I think I might be having romantic feelings for, or at least something beyond just sexual attraction and good friendship. I keep worrying that I am going to have this phase of sexual attraction and then when that fades I'll be in the same position I always am- wildly uncomfortable, repulsed by the idea that this person is romantically attracted to me, and feeling guilty for not being able to reciprocate and hurting someone that I care about. The hard part is, I don't know how to differentiate whatever my other feelings are from feelings of sexual attraction, and just the hormonal response that I get with good sex. I keep thinking I'm "betraying my identity" that has really made me feel more comfortable and more like myself, even though intellectually I know that my feelings are valid and labels don't really matter and romance is complex and it can change and having these feelings doesn't invalidate my newfound identity. It helped me to feel more normal and in control to read that other people are going through similar situations, so I hope reading my experience will help you to feel more in control and less angry with yourself, if that is your goal! If you ever want to talk through something, feel free to message me. For now, know that you are valid and your feelings and experiences can shape your identity but they don't define it. If Harry Potter can put on the sorting hat and choose Gryffindor, you can put on your own sorting hat and choose to be aromantic, even if there are other aspects in your life. 

[Here&Queer]

On 10/23/2019 at 8:37 AM, AcademicAro said:

It helped me to feel more normal and in control to read that other people are going through similar situations, so I hope reading my experience will help you to feel more in control and less angry with yourself, if that is your goal! If you ever want to talk through something, feel free to message me. For now, know that you are valid and your feelings and experiences can shape your identity but they don't define it. If Harry Potter can put on the sorting hat and choose Gryffindor, you can put on your own sorting hat and choose to be aromantic, even if there are other aspects in your life. 

Thank you so much for sharing your story and experiences. It absolutely made me feel more okay with my situation, and I'm so grateful for your words of support. Also, the last line about Harry Potter made me laugh, yet it also put things into perspective! Thanks! 

 

And I extend the same offer to you - if you ever want to talk through something or if you are feeling out of control with your own feelings, don't be afraid to reach out.

[AceCase47]

On 10/14/2019 at 10:21 PM, elizabeth17 said:

hi friend! first of all you're so valid- labels are really comforting for some people - they were important to me when I was figuring out my asexuality(which was like super recent, like July-August hhaha) but these days I'm more indifferent to labels. Sorry off track here we go- I've had/am currently having a similar experience where I've grown super close to a guy who is my best friend - we spend a lot of time together and often cuddle and kiss each other's noses and foreheads, but not lips. I was also like hella confused at first- we got physically close like very quickly after I came out as ace/aro. I still consider myself pretty asexual but have stopped trying to pin down a romantic identity on myself because I honestly don't even know what romantic attraction is and I've grown to be ok with that. I'd use the term QPR (queer/quasi platonic relationship) to describe our relationship if asked to but I truly don't care about romantic labels now. You can message me if you want to talk more. Also looking up QPRs could be comforting/reassuring for you. Also remember 1) it's ok if labels change it doesn't mean you're invalid or that you were invalid when you used a certain label it just means you're changing and as identity isn't static that's super valid and ok 2) just because you think you might be experiencing some sort of romantic attraction doesn't make you any less aro- it's a massively messy complex spectrum. feeling romantically attracted to one individual (if you think you're experiencing romantic attraction) doesn't invalidate your aro identity 

I really needed to hear this. Thank you. 😭🧡😊