How to engage in sexual activity with non-ace boyfriend?

[iwouldrathercuddle]

I would love to hear some experiences from people on the A-spectrum in terms of how they act in a relationship with a non-ace.

 

Hi, i'm a bit new - i read a bit through this forum and didn't find anything matching my issue, but if i missed it please be welcome to point that out and send me somewhere to read, i figure it must be a bit exhausting to see the same questions pop up again and again.

 

Title says it, really. I think i'm somewhere in the Gray-A-Area (i'll copy past my introduction at the end of this post to anyone who is interested), so basically i am with my boyfriend for 6 years and we have sex once every month or every two months. This is not nearly enough sexual attention for him and since i love him i'd be happy to find another way do fulfill his needs. I only started really accepting that i just might not be into sex that much, which kind of helps already since now i have a starting point. I always thought something was wrong with me or him and although he didn't pressure me in any way, i did, and that put a downer on all this on top of me not really being into it.

 

I know some possibilities regarding "how to be in a relationship with a non-ace": You can open your relationship and allow them to get sex somewhere else. You can do other things than sex that are still sexual but exclude your body parts. What i am missing is the mindset. It sounds so easy: I love him, i want to make him happy, sex makes him happy and i don't feel repulsive towards sex so let's just do it. But somehow, this is not enough. Again, maybe it will help that i allow myself the thought now that i am kinda ace and it's cool. But i don't really get how this is supposed to work. It would be so nice if this feeling of "i want to do something nice for my partner" would be so big that i really wouldn't mind engaging in sexual activity but somehow it's not, at least not yet. What do you think? 

 

THE END - Following is only my copy-past introduction which you can also find in the welcome lounge

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hi there. As many i am currently discovering my sexuality (25f, it's never too late right?) and i'm fairly new to the topic of asexuality. I first thought about it about a year ago, things got urgent and now i've spent the last 2 days nonstop reading all kinds of forums, info and watching youtube videos regarding asexuality. Wich does not mean i am not confused anymore, so i'd like to introduce myself to this forum and maybe engage in some conversations.

 

I am in a longterm relationship (6 years) with an allo male. Before i met him (when i was 18) i've had several male sex partners (and one girlfriend for a year). My thinking of sex was pretty weird tho. I just thought that's something you are supposed to do in a relationship. And since i fell in love all the time i pretty much spend my whole young life thinking i'd have to have sex with someone. I am able to feel aroused so this wasn't really an issue for me. Specially when i meet someone new i find it exciting to explore their body and my emotions go crazy which kind of always came with this kind of arousal for me. This never lasted long and the only reason i kept having sex with my partner was because i thought i should. It was never really fun for me. Mostly, IF i feel aroused, which does not happen very often, it feels fairly good for about 5 minutes and then goes down to neutral at best.I find it boring. I've never had orgasms during sex. I masturbate every other month or so.

When i met my current partner things went a little different because he is geourgeous and smart and cares about me very much. I quickly discovered that indeed i do not have to have sex in a relationship and from this point i pretty much stopped initiating it. For years i thought that that's just because i kind of never gave myself the choice before and i never asked myself what I liked, i just wanted to please my partner. So i thought i'd stop for a while, enjoy that i don't have to, figure out what i like and develop a sexual identity. Did not happen. I tried to "extend" masturbation sessions but tbh it's just something i want to get over it. Yes, it think orgasms feel good. But would i miss them? Not a chance. So for like 3-4 years now my boyfriend and i have been having sex once a month, sometimes every two months. The reason for that is not that i want sex once a month but i know HE wants it. And this is kind of the problem. He needs sexual attention, it's important to him. He is wondering why i do not want him, he is hurt and misses the confirmation. I took SO LONG to realize that he is serious and that he can't "just fap instead" (sure he can and he does but it's not the same) and we've had several fights because he didn't feel like his feelings where valid (which they indeed weren't to me ). But i get it now. He is not pressuring me at all tho, ofc not. He came up with asexuality in the first place and he would be willing to discuss pretty much every option and compromise there is for me. I am not ready for that tho, i am still figuring out what is going on with me.

 

So i do feel sometimes arousal in my body. I don't feel the need to act somehow because of that, like i rarely masturbate and lol i would never go out and find someone to have sex with because of that. This is SO low priority for me i wouldn't even mention it. I've noticed that i don't feel comfortable with people having sex in movies, while others feel comfortable or even aroused watching movies or shows and there's a love story and sometimes the characters get close to each other in a sexual way. I've also noticed that i almost never think about people i see in a sexual way. I find them beautiful and sometimes i would want to touch their bodies but never in a sexual way. I've had a crush on someone for over 9 years, like a super hard crush (we were friends) and i daydreamed about him ALL THE TIME. Yesterday i noticed that i never, not even once pictured him naked or imagined to have sex with him. I imaged all kinds of stuff but the most physical imagination was us kissing. I like to kiss and cuddle very much. I would say, i NEED physical contact to feel appreciated and to make sure someone likes/ loves me. 

 

All of that being said, i am now thinking about what the fuck i am. I'll take my time tho. I am already relieved because i've learned that some people are not as interested in sexual activities as others and that that's OKAY. 

 

IDK what to do with me and my partner tho. That's an open question. We can't go on like this, he is just suffering a lot while i kind of don't even notice that something is missing.

 

Thank you for reading this far.

 

[Pheedre]

Well I'm of no help because I have become sex repulsed as time has gone by, so I don't really have the whole "I want to do it to please him" thought in my head...I mean I do, because I want him to be happy but not if it would be detrimental to my mental health, because I know that it would. I will say that these forums are amazing though and I'm sure you will get a lot of people responding with some suggestions for you. I hope it all works out!

[Noego]

I found a way but to be truthful it turned out to be a short term fix. I don't know if I'd recommend it TBH.

[Pheedre]

Just now, Noego said:

I found a way but to be truthful it turned out to be a short term fix. I don't know if I'd recommend it TBH.

Are you willing to share? I'd be interested in hearing as it is something I'm trying to work out as well but hard when you're sex repulsed lol

[Scottthespy]

There's an old saying that goes 'if you tell yourself anything often enough, you'll start to believe it', so you could try telling yourself 'this is fine, I'm fine, and I don't mind doing this because I love him' a couple of times a day and see if it starts to take, but there's a danger of deluding yourself into something you're really not okay with by doing that. Open and honest communication is a better bet.

 

Ask your boyfriend to talk about what sorts of sex acts he enjoys and see if any of them strike you as being 'less troublesome'. Talk about kinks like roleplay, light bondage, stuff like that and see if any of those feel easier or even exciting for you. I'm an aro ace with no one to try and please, but even I can enjoy a sexy vampire scene for its sexiness, so there might be something out there that you both could get excited about that would help you on the mental side of things. There are LOTS of kinks that are easy and inexpensive to get in on. I recommend Oh Joy Sex Toy as a resource...I've linked to their archive page on kinks specifically. This is a sex toy/concepts review comic, done in cartoony style with very inclusive characters. They no longer feature ads with real photographs and are a very welcoming and friendly look at sex and sexuality. They even have a guest comic explaining asexuality.

 

Another thing I suggest is looking into toys that specifically allow you to 'service' your boyfriend without involving your own bits...this might remove the 'downer' that comes from your lack of enjoyment, and allow you to get into a mindset of doing something for your boyfriend without having to put up with what, for you, is lackluster sex. A lot of people don't realize that toys like masturbation  sleeves (such as Fleshlights) can absolutely be an intimate and fun couple's toy. Most toys can be used as a couple, if you're imaginative enough. I'm now working at an adult toy store, so if you're interested in hearing about the sort of stuff those places can sell or any ideas on what might work to set you into a fun and intimate mood so you can enjoy the activities your partaking in with regard to specific toys and products, send me a pm.

[iwouldrathercuddle]

@Scottthespy

 

 

48 minutes ago, Scottthespy said:

you could try telling yourself 'this is fine, I'm fine, and I don't mind doing this because I love him' a couple of times a day and see if it starts to take, but there's a danger of deluding yourself into something you're really not okay with by doing that.

true. 

 

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Ask your boyfriend to talk about what sorts of sex acts he enjoys and see if any of them strike you as being 'less troublesome'. Talk about kinks like roleplay, light bondage, stuff like that and see if any of those feel easier or even exciting for you.

thank you, i will do that. I find that kind of tough tho. My boyfriend wants me to do that as well, think about what i might like so i could suggest it and contribute to the topic. Maybe i just need some inspiration, i will check out the website you sent me. If i just sit down on my own and start thinking about sexual stuff i might enjoy i am pretty much starring at a blank space in my mind (even tho i do enjoy sexual activities sometimes but we have never done anything "special" besides including different body parts and try out toys). 

 

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Another thing I suggest is looking into toys that specifically allow you to 'service' your boyfriend without involving your own bits...this might remove the 'downer' that comes from your lack of enjoyment, and allow you to get into a mindset of doing something for your boyfriend without having to put up with what, for you, is lackluster sex.

Yeah, that sounds good. I rembemer: My boyfriend owns a "satisfier for men" and i used it on him a couple of times. I think i might be a selfish bitch because i kind of find it physically exhausting, lol. Because my boyfriend likes to do things more chill and a bit longer rather than "rub my dick for 2 minutes so i can cum". Well i like that attitude, obv. Maybe i need to think a bit outside the box. It's just coming to my mind that you can actually do breaks, right? Why should i use the satisfier on him for 10 minutes straight, why not take a break and do something else that is also pleasing. No idea what that could be tho, and ofc there would be lube everywhere lol.

 

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 I'm now working at an adult toy store, so if you're interested in hearing about the sort of stuff those places can sell or any ideas on what might work to set you into a fun and intimate mood so you can enjoy the activities your partaking in with regard to specific toys and products, send me a pm.

my first thought: What do you mean, toys for adults? xD Even with context my brain is just hardwired to non-sexual stuff lol. I might do that once i've got a hint of what i might like. 

Thanks a lot for your response!

[Memento1]

Hey there!  Sorry for the conundrum you're in.  I don't know that I can be any help at all, since I've not had a sexual relationship where I had to think about how to please them, but perhaps because I've spent so long on my own, I have had the freedom to think long and hard about what *I* like.   Now of course that means its my own thoughts, and might very well not be applicable to you, but might as well share.

 

It helped me a lot when I discovered Sensate Focus.  It's a sex therapy technique, but just thinking about it in abstract helped a lot.  The whole point is to strip the goal and focus from penetrative sex and orgasm.  It allows exploration and focus on what feels good when all anxiety about it leading up to sex disappear.  I found myself MUCH more open and relaxed to really think about what I may like, and willing to explore their body when there's no expectations attached.  Usually sensate focus follows a schedule, but for me it helped to think about it more as on my own terms: there is no pressure to advance unless I want to.  It literally took me YEARS to be able to drop the majority of my expectations and stop thinking about what THEY want / expect, or what my internal script says should happen, because I'm such a people-pleaser.  And every time I think I'm not anxious, that I'm okay with it, I discover there's yet another layer I'm not even recognizing as anxiety, that is separate from any immediate pressure but was laid down long ago.  It's a journey I'm still on, as I learn how deeply it's ingrained in me to put other people's feelings first.   Anyways, for me only once I could really drop all anxiety about it having to go further did I discover I WANTED it to go further.  Or to realize that I could enjoy doing certain things to him completely for myself, not because he enjoyed it.  Instead of trying to expand the feeling of "I want to do something nice for my partner," try to expand the feeling of "I want to do something nice FOR ME."

 

Communication is also huge for reducing my anxiety.  Feeling like I can say, "I like that," "I don't like that at all," or "I'm not sure how I feel about this, keep going but slow down."  Maybe even shorten it to "Green", "Red", and "Yellow" like stop lights.

 

Not saying this will necessarily work for you, but I thought it sounded like a practice that could help you discover what you enjoy.

 

Edit: Figured I'd include another link to an article that helped shape how I view sex: How to Have Sex With An Asexual Person.  It's not all relevant, but in parts I was like "OMG, this is my dream scenario that I would be okay with."  It might be an interesting read.

[Marlow1]

@iwouldrathercuddleIf you are romantically attracted to your partner this site might be helpful in regards to ideas that might make it fun for your partner and less stressful for you. My wife and I have benefited from Sheila's ideas and we are doing really well now

 

https://tolovehonorandvacuum.com/category/sex/spicing-things-up/

[iwouldrathercuddle]

@Memento1 thank you for your kind words. Sensate focus sounds interesting. I rembember my boyfriend asking me to do that, like spend some time with myself, exploring my body without any sexual thought and stuff. It never really worked for me, i just got bored. But it's true that there is some anxiety involved for me. Maybe it will help to take it step by step like the link you've sent me suggests. Most of the time i feel a lot more comfortable as soon as there is a list i can work through, for some reason. Also, my boyfriend has given up on sex with me (i read the article you attached). He can tell that i never really enjoy it. It was a relieve to finally pinpoint that it's probably sex itself and not him or any lack of emotion or smth, but i am also kind of sad and now i'm trying to find someting, anything that i could enjoy and that would give him at least a hint about how much i care for him and his body as well. 

 

@Marlow1 Thank you for your suggestion, i'll look into it! Appreciate it. 

 

@Scottthespy little update: Last night i looked into Oh Joy Sex Toy and my god that website is so cool. I like absolutely everything about it. I keep klicking on "random" and just see what pops up, to avoid my old filter habits "nah that doesn't sound nice i won't even look into it". I already figured out one thing that i was really not into (looking at pictures where women sit on dildos, for some reason) and one thing that i liked (a sexy gay comic with two men, for some reason). No idea what to do with that but hey, baby steps. Cheers!

[Pheedre]

3 minutes ago, iwouldrathercuddle said:

@Memento1 thank you for your kind words. Sensate focus sounds interesting. I rembember my boyfriend asking me to do that, like spend some time with myself, exploring my body without any sexual thought and stuff. It never really worked for me, i just got bored. But it's true that there is some anxiety involved for me. Maybe it will help to take it step by step like the link you've sent me suggests. Most of the time i feel a lot more comfortable as soon as there is a list i can work through, for some reason. Also, my boyfriend has given up on sex with me (i read the article you attached). He can tell that i never really enjoy it. It was a relieve to finally pinpoint that it's probably sex itself and not him or any lack of emotion or smth, but i am also kind of sad and now i'm trying to find someting, anything that i could enjoy and that would give him at least a hint about how much i care for him and his body as well. 

 

@Marlow1 Thank you for your suggestion, i'll look into it! Appreciate it. 

 

@Scottthespy little update: Last night i looked into Oh Joy Sex Toy and my god that website is so cool. I like absolutely everything about it. I keep klicking on "random" and just see what pops up, to avoid my old filter habits "nah that doesn't sound nice i won't even look into it". I already figured out one things that i was really not into (watching at pictures where women sit on dildos, for some reason) and one thing that i liked (a sexy gay comic with two men, for some reason). No idea what to do with that but hey, baby steps. Cheers!

I think I'll look into this Oh Joy Sex Toy site

[iwouldrathercuddle]

@Pheedre You do that.  I like comics and mangas anyway so that already makes it fun for me. And it's designed to be funny and cute, not that serious (that always takes some pressure away for me) but very educational. 

[Scottthespy]

@iwouldrathercuddle  I'm glad to hear you're liking OJST, its a great comic. I just read the whole thing from start to finish and keep checking back for updates. I love spreading it around as a way for people to learn new things. I learned a ton about period management from it, and actually switched to something new.

 

A lot of women are into 'yaoi', male on male sexual situations, and as such there's a lot of it out there, both online and in comic and game stores.

[GlamRocker]

@iwouldrathercuddle Don't do it, it will only be worse for you both later.

[Qiana]

On 10/14/2019 at 8:00 AM, iwouldrathercuddle said:

I would love to hear some experiences from people on the A-spectrum in terms of how they act in a relationship with a non-ace.

 

Hi, i'm a bit new - i read a bit through this forum and didn't find anything matching my issue, but if i missed it please be welcome to point that out and send me somewhere to read, i figure it must be a bit exhausting to see the same questions pop up again and again.

 

Title says it, really. I think i'm somewhere in the Gray-A-Area (i'll copy past my introduction at the end of this post to anyone who is interested), so basically i am with my boyfriend for 6 years and we have sex once every month or every two months. This is not nearly enough sexual attention for him and since i love him i'd be happy to find another way do fulfill his needs. I only started really accepting that i just might not be into sex that much, which kind of helps already since now i have a starting point. I always thought something was wrong with me or him and although he didn't pressure me in any way, i did, and that put a downer on all this on top of me not really being into it.

 

I know some possibilities regarding "how to be in a relationship with a non-ace": You can open your relationship and allow them to get sex somewhere else. You can do other things than sex that are still sexual but exclude your body parts. What i am missing is the mindset. It sounds so easy: I love him, i want to make him happy, sex makes him happy and i don't feel repulsive towards sex so let's just do it. But somehow, this is not enough. Again, maybe it will help that i allow myself the thought now that i am kinda ace and it's cool. But i don't really get how this is supposed to work. It would be so nice if this feeling of "i want to do something nice for my partner" would be so big that i really wouldn't mind engaging in sexual activity but somehow it's not, at least not yet. What do you think? 

 

THE END - Following is only my copy-past introduction which you can also find in the welcome lounge

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hi there. As many i am currently discovering my sexuality (25f, it's never too late right?) and i'm fairly new to the topic of asexuality. I first thought about it about a year ago, things got urgent and now i've spent the last 2 days nonstop reading all kinds of forums, info and watching youtube videos regarding asexuality. Wich does not mean i am not confused anymore, so i'd like to introduce myself to this forum and maybe engage in some conversations.

 

I am in a longterm relationship (6 years) with an allo male. Before i met him (when i was 18) i've had several male sex partners (and one girlfriend for a year). My thinking of sex was pretty weird tho. I just thought that's something you are supposed to do in a relationship. And since i fell in love all the time i pretty much spend my whole young life thinking i'd have to have sex with someone. I am able to feel aroused so this wasn't really an issue for me. Specially when i meet someone new i find it exciting to explore their body and my emotions go crazy which kind of always came with this kind of arousal for me. This never lasted long and the only reason i kept having sex with my partner was because i thought i should. It was never really fun for me. Mostly, IF i feel aroused, which does not happen very often, it feels fairly good for about 5 minutes and then goes down to neutral at best.I find it boring. I've never had orgasms during sex. I masturbate every other month or so.

When i met my current partner things went a little different because he is geourgeous and smart and cares about me very much. I quickly discovered that indeed i do not have to have sex in a relationship and from this point i pretty much stopped initiating it. For years i thought that that's just because i kind of never gave myself the choice before and i never asked myself what I liked, i just wanted to please my partner. So i thought i'd stop for a while, enjoy that i don't have to, figure out what i like and develop a sexual identity. Did not happen. I tried to "extend" masturbation sessions but tbh it's just something i want to get over it. Yes, it think orgasms feel good. But would i miss them? Not a chance. So for like 3-4 years now my boyfriend and i have been having sex once a month, sometimes every two months. The reason for that is not that i want sex once a month but i know HE wants it. And this is kind of the problem. He needs sexual attention, it's important to him. He is wondering why i do not want him, he is hurt and misses the confirmation. I took SO LONG to realize that he is serious and that he can't "just fap instead" (sure he can and he does but it's not the same) and we've had several fights because he didn't feel like his feelings where valid (which they indeed weren't to me ). But i get it now. He is not pressuring me at all tho, ofc not. He came up with asexuality in the first place and he would be willing to discuss pretty much every option and compromise there is for me. I am not ready for that tho, i am still figuring out what is going on with me.

 

So i do feel sometimes arousal in my body. I don't feel the need to act somehow because of that, like i rarely masturbate and lol i would never go out and find someone to have sex with because of that. This is SO low priority for me i wouldn't even mention it. I've noticed that i don't feel comfortable with people having sex in movies, while others feel comfortable or even aroused watching movies or shows and there's a love story and sometimes the characters get close to each other in a sexual way. I've also noticed that i almost never think about people i see in a sexual way. I find them beautiful and sometimes i would want to touch their bodies but never in a sexual way. I've had a crush on someone for over 9 years, like a super hard crush (we were friends) and i daydreamed about him ALL THE TIME. Yesterday i noticed that i never, not even once pictured him naked or imagined to have sex with him. I imaged all kinds of stuff but the most physical imagination was us kissing. I like to kiss and cuddle very much. I would say, i NEED physical contact to feel appreciated and to make sure someone likes/ loves me. 

 

All of that being said, i am now thinking about what the fuck i am. I'll take my time tho. I am already relieved because i've learned that some people are not as interested in sexual activities as others and that that's OKAY. 

 

IDK what to do with me and my partner tho. That's an open question. We can't go on like this, he is just suffering a lot while i kind of don't even notice that something is missing.

 

Thank you for reading this far.

 

Hi @iwouldrathercuddle I feel we might be in similar situations. I am 26f and I also recently discovered my sexuality as well. Now i'm slightly different in that I have identified with being demisexual for the past two years but never realized it was under the asexual umbrella and for the past week I have been googling and looking up sites and articles as well to discover what label best works for me. In doing this I have also come to identify with being gray-ace and I too also feel some level of arousal and desire when I am with my partner but it dissipates pretty quickly if I don't engage in any action. I am usually sex-indifferent most days and other days I'm more sex-positive for the sake of my partner. Recently I want to just have sex because he wants more and we've been trying to have more sex but it's been slow moving and I also have a history of sexual and emotional trauma so that doesn't make it any easier. but recently i came out to him and he basically said he does not see a best case scenario option that doesn't include him compromising on his desire (which happened in his marriage and previous relationships) and he isn't willing to do that again and have it backfire on him again. I told him he needs to discuss that with his therapist because that sounds like it has nothing to do with me and more with his fear that I'm going to be like his ex wife and/or one of his other exes. He dismissed that idea and said he didn't think that held any merit. At this point my boyfriend seems unwilling to change but i am still hopeful. I think if the both of you really want to make it work you'll find an arrangement that works but I also believe that in a general sense no one should feel obligated to stay in a relationship if they feel their needs aren't being met (i know that sounded contradictory but I am also a therapist so I like to see both angles of situations). I do think that if the both of you find a middle ground its possible it could work and you won't know that until you try and even if it fails at least you tried right? Some people might say why waste the time and it's because risk is involved in any relationship whether sex is included or not. A relationship requires two people to put both their hearts on the table and hope the other person will take care of it. If your partner is starting to become resentful that the type of care your "heart" needs is too much for them they ultimately have the right to decide that (doesn't mean it won't suck ass) but we can't be mad at them for expressing how they feel just like they can't be mad at us for stating we don't need as much sex and could be fine with or without it respectively. 

[toujours]

On 10/14/2019 at 2:50 PM, Scottthespy said:

I recommend Oh Joy Sex Toy as a resource...

Just wanted to say, this has been the highlight of my week. Thank you very much!!!

[Scottthespy]

On 11/19/2019 at 5:39 PM, toujours said:

Just wanted to say, this has been the highlight of my week. Thank you very much!!!

I'm glad you're enjoying it, its one of my favorite sites.^^