Am I Asexual????? please help (explicit)

[noahkurt25]

Hello, Im 18 years old, nearly 19 and I have been with my boyfriend for 13 months, so a little over a year. To cut to the chase, our sex life has been crap and for a while now i have toyed with the "am i asexual" question. In the past, i went through something and ended up as almost identifying as aromantic for a bit. might this be a similar situation where i just "havent gotten used to sex" ? 

 

to provide context: this is stupid and embarrassing but ive always considered myself really sexual, basically horny lmao, indulged the FUCK out of smutfics and shit when i was younger (14-16ish) alllways thought i was kinky, all that good stuff. i remember thinking "i cant wait to have a boyfriend/husband so i can FUCK whenever i want" (ew wtf @ myself)  anyways i think u get what im trying to say. i have always looked forward to & loved the idea of sex. Flash forward to recent times. basically, i dont... want to be having sex? its almost as if i literally have no inclination to be doing it? and when i AM doing it (rarely) , it doesnt even even feel good? it feels more uncomfortable,, ticklish almost, and mostly, i just want it to stop. i still have intense erotic fantasies though and even super vivid dreams where i can physically feel it, and it feels GOOD, damn. i want the enthusiasm i have in my dreams, and imagination to come to life. i WANT to enjoy sex and shit. but when it comes down to it, i just- nope. I always tried to tell myself, maybe im just not in the mood. but im NEVER in the mood, at least not in reality. when i was younger i did try to masturbate but i never felt pleasure from it, and i just assumed i was doing it wrong. sometimes when i lie n bed and fantasise about things, the pleasure (physically and mentally WITHOUT actually touching myself) that i get from literally my imagination, feels better than whatever "sex" ive had in the past.  

when my friends talk abt how they have sex like at LEAST once a week, i feel myself not relating. along with any other sexual stories they have. i feel embarrassed and do not admit that my boyfriend and i barely have sex. 

 

my bf insists that if i never wanted to have sex ever again, he'd be fine with it. and we've talked about it so many times and bc i DO want to feel passionate about sex, i agreed  would "try" (how the fuck do you even "try" at sex) but even TRYING is so hard bc i plain just never want to do it!!! should i just bite the bullet and force myself (has NOTHING to do with my bf, this is just ME genuinely wanting to enjoy sex) to have more sex? and maybe ill get used to it and finally start to enjoy it? 

 

another thing i wanna add is even things like making out,, i find myself not liking,, i also physically push my bf away alot when he's trying to kiss me and stuff like that. i mean KISSING is fine but when its like making out, i find myself either pushing him away or turning my head so he cant reach my mouth.. whats THAT about,, why do i not like it. i also push away any other advances, like move his hands away when theyre going too low ect. idek i feel like i get flustered and then panic and AH go away! kinda thing.

 

a big reason i dont think im asexual is bc i WANT to have & enjoy sex but i feel like something in my body isnt working right and so it really seems more like a dumb chore rather than smth enjoyable

 

so my questions are: is this a phase? why do my fantasies bring me more pleasure than actual sex? can asexuals enjoy and want sex in THEORY but not irl? so asexuals have sexual fantasies? 

 

IM SO SO SORRY THIS IS SO LONG IM JUST SO CONFUSED AND WILL APPRECIATE ANY OPINIONS/ ADVICE ON THS

Edited October 14, 2019 by noahkurt25

[Marlow1]

You have not mentioned pornography so I am a little reluctant to post this. But I have done because what you are describing is similar to what these guys here are talking about. 

 

https://fightthenewdrug.org/how-porn-kills-love/

 

You mentioned that your partner is not concerned if things do not change. It was like this for me. I am Demisexual and I do not necessarily need sex so when things went pair shaped for us I just said to my wife do not worry about it. But over time my wife's desperate need to get things sorted out (this was not exactly the same as what you are describing) grew and grew. This is why I have braved the storm to bring this issue about pornography up. Though what I am saying does only apply to certain folk, this definitely does not apply to everybody that does not enjoy the act of sex when they are doing it

 

I personally do not think a person has to be a porn addict for porn to affect them in this way. Here at our home, we do not watch porn we have never had it in our house but just so called 'normal sexual images' in shops, advertisements, on billboards, on TV etc affect my wife severely. Her troubles have not been identical to what you are describing, and she is not an addict either, but Therapy has helped her sort most of her difficulties out. 

 

I can explain this more if you want me to but because you have not actually mentioned pornography I am thinking it is best not to warble at this point

[Drunk&Confused]

I kinda get a bit what you are saying. I wanted to like sex and really liked the idea of liking it. I had a string of one night stands to try and get myself to like it, but it did not fix it. Again, the mentioned above was all me, nobody pressuring me. 

 

It def may not be relevant for you, everyone is different, but figured id throw it out there. Good luck figuring it out, try not to pressure yourself, some things just take time. 

[Internetlionboy]

I relate to some of what you said (I'm 18 myself as well) and while I love having sex, I just can't feel sexually attracted to any of the partners I had before (and I'm very sure that I feel sexually attracted to my bf but labels confusing ghsdjfh) It's like if someone asks me if I wanted to have sex with them, I would be ok with it kind of deal

 

I wish you luck in figuring this out, you're valid if you find out you're on the ace spectrum or not! ^^

[NylaTheWolf]

There is something on the ace spectrum called cupiosexual where you want to have a sexual relationship but don’t feel sexual attraction. Maybe this applies to you?

 

It’s also possible you were simply a horny teenager but I’m not exactly an expert on asexual experiences

[Ace Pilot]

On 10/14/2019 at 2:50 AM, noahkurt25 said:

Hello, Im 18 years old, nearly 19 and I have been with my boyfriend for 13 months, so a little over a year. To cut to the chase, our sex life has been crap and for a while now i have toyed with the "am i asexual" question. In the past, i went through something and ended up as almost identifying as aromantic for a bit. might this be a similar situation where i just "havent gotten used to sex" ? 

 

to provide context: this is stupid and embarrassing but ive always considered myself really sexual, basically horny lmao, indulged the FUCK out of smutfics and shit when i was younger (14-16ish) alllways thought i was kinky, all that good stuff. i remember thinking "i cant wait to have a boyfriend/husband so i can FUCK whenever i want" (ew wtf @ myself)  anyways i think u get what im trying to say. i have always looked forward to & loved the idea of sex. Flash forward to recent times. basically, i dont... want to be having sex? its almost as if i literally have no inclination to be doing it? and when i AM doing it (rarely) , it doesnt even even feel good? it feels more uncomfortable,, ticklish almost, and mostly, i just want it to stop. i still have intense erotic fantasies though and even super vivid dreams where i can physically feel it, and it feels GOOD, damn. i want the enthusiasm i have in my dreams, and imagination to come to life. i WANT to enjoy sex and shit. but when it comes down to it, i just- nope. I always tried to tell myself, maybe im just not in the mood. but im NEVER in the mood, at least not in reality. when i was younger i did try to masturbate but i never felt pleasure from it, and i just assumed i was doing it wrong. sometimes when i lie n bed and fantasise about things, the pleasure (physically and mentally WITHOUT actually touching myself) that i get from literally my imagination, feels better than whatever "sex" ive had in the past.  

when my friends talk abt how they have sex like at LEAST once a week, i feel myself not relating. along with any other sexual stories they have. i feel embarrassed and do not admit that my boyfriend and i barely have sex. 

 

my bf insists that if i never wanted to have sex ever again, he'd be fine with it. and we've talked about it so many times and bc i DO want to feel passionate about sex, i agreed  would "try" (how the fuck do you even "try" at sex) but even TRYING is so hard bc i plain just never want to do it!!! should i just bite the bullet and force myself (has NOTHING to do with my bf, this is just ME genuinely wanting to enjoy sex) to have more sex? and maybe ill get used to it and finally start to enjoy it? 

 

another thing i wanna add is even things like making out,, i find myself not liking,, i also physically push my bf away alot when he's trying to kiss me and stuff like that. i mean KISSING is fine but when its like making out, i find myself either pushing him away or turning my head so he cant reach my mouth.. whats THAT about,, why do i not like it. i also push away any other advances, like move his hands away when theyre going too low ect. idek i feel like i get flustered and then panic and AH go away! kinda thing.

 

a big reason i dont think im asexual is bc i WANT to have & enjoy sex but i feel like something in my body isnt working right and so it really seems more like a dumb chore rather than smth enjoyable

 

so my questions are: is this a phase? why do my fantasies bring me more pleasure than actual sex? can asexuals enjoy and want sex in THEORY but not irl? so asexuals have sexual fantasies? 

 

IM SO SO SORRY THIS IS SO LONG IM JUST SO CONFUSED AND WILL APPRECIATE ANY OPINIONS/ ADVICE ON THS

Don’t force yourself. If it doesn’t feel right to be having sex at the time, then those are your feelings and you shouldn’t ignore them.  I think you should focus more on finding what does feel good, if anything, instead of focusing on trying to enjoy sex. There are other things that you can do with your partner that might feel good. This would give you some time and space to figure out your identity. At the end of the day, only you can know if you’re asexual or not.