hi, my name is Jay and i'm trying to figure out why i don't want to have sex

[iwouldrathercuddle]

This summs it up, pretty much. 

Hi there. As many i am currently discovering my sexuality (25f, it's never too late right?) and i'm fairly new to the topic of asexuality. I first thought about it about a year ago, things got urgent and now i've spent the last 2 days nonstop reading all kinds of forums, info and watching youtube videos regarding asexuality. Wich does not mean i am not confused anymore, so i'd like to introduce myself to this forum and maybe engage in some conversations.

 

I am in a longterm relationship (6 years) with an allo male. Before i met him (when i was 18) i've had several male sex partners (and one girlfriend for a year). My thinking of sex was pretty weird tho. I just thought that's something you are supposed to do in a relationship. And since i fell in love all the time i pretty much spend my whole young life thinking i'd have to have sex with someone. I am able to feel aroused so this wasn't really an issue for me. Specially when i meet someone new i find it exciting to explore their body and my emotions go crazy which kind of always came with this kind of arousal for me. This never lasted long and the only reason i kept having sex with my partner was because i thought i should. It was never really fun for me. Mostly, IF i feel aroused, which does not happen very often, it feels fairly good for about 5 minutes and then goes down to neutral at best.I find it boring. I've never had orgasms during sex. I masturbate every other month or so.

When i met my current partner things went a little different because he is geourgeous and smart and cares about me very much. I quickly discovered that indeed i do not have to have sex in a relationship and from this point i pretty much stopped initiating it. For years i thought that that's just because i kind of never gave myself the choice before and i never asked myself what I liked, i just wanted to please my partner. So i thought i'd stop for a while, enjoy that i don't have to, figure out what i like and develop a sexual identity. Did not happen. I tried to "extend" masturbation sessions but tbh it's just something i want to get over it. Yes, it think orgasms feel good. But would i miss them? Not a chance. So for like 3-4 years now my boyfriend and i have been having sex once a month, sometimes every two months. The reason for that is not that i want sex once a month but i know HE wants it. And this is kind of the problem. He needs sexual attention, it's important to him. He is wondering why i do not want him, he is hurt and misses the confirmation. I took SO LONG to realize that he is serious and that he can't "just fap instead" (sure he can and he does but it's not the same) and we've had several fights because he didn't feel like his feelings where valid (which they indeed weren't to me ). But i get it now. He is not pressuring me at all tho, ofc not. He came up with asexuality in the first place and he would be willing to discuss pretty much every option and compromise there is for me. I am not ready for that tho, i am still figuring out what is going on with me.

 

So i do feel sometimes arousal in my body. I don't feel the need to act somehow because of that, like i rarely masturbate and lol i would never go out and find someone to have sex with because of that. This is SO low priority for me i wouldn't even mention it. I've noticed that i don't feel comfortable with people having sex in movies, while others feel comfortable or even aroused watching movies or shows and there's a love story and sometimes the characters get close to each other in a sexual way. I've also noticed that i almost never think about people i see in a sexual way. I find them beautiful and sometimes i would want to touch their bodies but never in a sexual way. I've had a crush on someone for over 9 years, like a super hard crush (we were friends) and i daydreamed about him ALL THE TIME. Yesterday i noticed that i never, not even once pictured him naked or imagined to have sex with him. I imaged all kinds of stuff but the most physical imagination was us kissing. I like to kiss and cuddle very much. I would say, i NEED physical contact to feel appreciated and to make sure someone likes/ loves me. 

 

All of that being said, i am now thinking about what the fuck i am. I'll take my time tho. I am already relieved because i've learned that some people are not as interested in sexual activities as others and that that's OKAY. 

 

IDK what to do with me and my partner tho. That's an open question. We can't go on like this, he is just suffering a lot while i kind of don't even notice that something is missing.

 

Thank you for reading this far.

 

 

 

[noahkurt25]

hi!! i saw u like the post i just made,,, is there a way we could chat bc as u might know, i am confused too & this causes problems in my relationship too :(( i know im a lot younger than you but if youd like to discuss, as 2 people who are both confused,,, id be really glad :'))

[DarkStormyKnight]

Hey welcome to AVEN! It's tradition to give newbies a cake, so here you go!

 

Also oof that sounds like a tough situation. But it's never too late to figure yourself out, and seems like you are being careful to educate yourself along the way. Best of luck, I hope the discussions here prove useful to you. ❤️ 

[NickyTannock]

@iwouldrathercuddle Welcome to AVEN!

 

You could be a Heteroromantic Asexual.

Asexuality is a lack of Sexual Attraction, which I define as leading to the desire to have sex with someone (This is different from arousal, which doesn't always lead to desiring sex).

But there are other types of attraction besides Sexual Attraction.

There's Sensual Attraction, which I define as leading to the desire to have intimate non-sexual physical contact with someone, like cuddling.

There's Romantic Attraction, which I define as leading to the desire to have a romantic relationship (I still don't know what that is, I'm Aromantic).

There's Aesthetic Attraction, which I define as leading to the desire to appreciate someone's aesthetic beauty (you can't take your eyes off them).

There's Platonic Attraction, which I define as leading to the desire to have a close friendship with someone.

And more.

 

Incidentally, it is a tradition here to welcome new members by offering cake, and here's a "Cuddles" cake (all edible),

http://cakesdecor.com/cakes/261760-cuddles

[iwouldrathercuddle]

@MichaelTannock thank you for this cake which fits my state of mind perfectly. :3 And thanks for your explanations! 

 

@DarkStormyKnight thank you for your cake and for your kind words. The things i've read and the conversations i've engaged in have already been helpful, and i've only been here for a few hours. I'm looking forward to what's coming and that's something i wasn't ever able to say about my sexual journey before. 

[NickyTannock]

You're welcome!

[Lichley]

Welcome! Just an FYI Asexuality is a lack of sexual attraction, not the lack of libido. This means that asexuals often end up with “untargeted libidos” where it just comes and goes with hormones. So yeah, I’d consider sex-favourable asexual to be a likely consideration