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AussieIsAce

im having sex with my non ace boyfriend

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AussieIsAce

is it worth it? that is the main question i think most ace people struggle with. 

is it worth it for me to have sex with someone regularly. 

is it worth my time 

is it worth my effort 

is it worth my discomfort

is it worth my frustration..and so on. 

 

im gonna say lie or lying alot but i dont think of it as a lie...more me compensating. 

kinda like if i was born with one leg and i used a fake leg..im compensating for my lake of something in this case my lake of sexually desire. 

 

the main thing i started thinking about is how much ive started lying to my boyfriend. this act of enjoying and requiring sex is really complicated. 

i lie to him about how he can make me cum and i lie to him about how good sex makes me feel, i lie to him about how much i love being naked with with.

its just a whole lot of lying. can i lie forever about it?...yeah im a good liar. but im not happy that im lying i kinda feel like i have to lie being ace cause i cant making myself enjoy sex and im gonna want to keep dating this guy cause hes great and im not coming out as ace cause thats just not something id do i think its kinda a cop out. so i feel like im allowed to li. its not like he is ever going to find out. im just faking my emotions for sex not for my love for him or anything. so its kinda alright im my book i guess. i feel like i have to lie and that its alright because there isnt an other way. im not gonna tell him im ace and then have super boring sex with him. i think people enjoy sex because of the sounds and shit people are saying...if i told him ace everything i tell him during sex would sound meaningless. lmaoooo so yeah that just me. otherwise we have a very strong great relationship. 

 

so the question is, is it worth it? 

for me yes, having sex makes him happy and if we werent having sex im pretty sure hed cheat and or leave me so yeah sex is important.

maybe for you no. 

 

If i break up with him i wont be seeking sex from anyone until i start dating again anyway. 

 

 

so my question for everyone is. is having sex with your boyfriend or girlfriend worth it for you and do you 'lie' about sex like i do. 

 

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Philip027

Pretty crappy thing to do to that guy, imo.

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Zagadka

I have to start by saying I'm not the best person to answer this. I have no interest in having or maintaining a relationship. But each relationship is unique to the people involved. A lot of aces have sex regularly to maintain a relationship and/or please a partner, even if they don't like it or are not comfortable. That is ultimately up to you - if the relationship is worth that sacrifice - because we all sacrifice things in relationships, and meeting a partner's sexual needs is just another one of those compromises/sacrifices.

 

I don't know how sex averse you are, so I don't know how much you are sacrificing doing it. I don't know how important the relationship is to you. I don't know your partner's needs. I can only give my point of view on it.

 

Being honest and communicating, though, is very important, especially if a relationship has that kind of sexual disparity. Every sexual relationship I know has required communication and honesty from both partners. There are all kinds of issues that build up over time if you just keep lying to keep the relationship going, and that can hurt both of you.

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CBC
14 minutes ago, AussieIsAce said:

its not like he is ever going to find out.

He will. Even if you're great at faking or think you're great at faking, it'll eventually get to be too much to handle if you feel as you say you do, and we (sexual people) can tell when someone isn't really into it.

 

And imo, you're treating him very disrespectfully.

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Internetlionboy

Yeaaaaah I really think you need to communicate this with your bf and we all can't lie forever. I mean sure people in relationships of all kinds make sacrifices to make a relationship work but I think there's a point where you shouldn't sacrifice especially if you're averse/uncomfortable with something

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CBC

You can't keep who you are from someone you're close to forever. I tried that for a handful of years and it was soul-crushing.

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AceMissBehaving

Honestly pretending to be something you’re not gets exhausting, and pretending you’re as into sex as a sexual person isn’t as long term sustainable as you think.

 

Beyond that if you see a future with this guy he deserves to know what he’s getting into. Mixed relationships where the sexual partner didn’t know the person they are with is ace tend to

end up with so much pain on both sides. 
 

It’s better to be honest and hope for the best. 

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Skullery Maid

I have a feeling that if you told him the truth, he'd tell you that he could tell something was off. That's an almost impossible thing to fake thoroughly. 

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Pan Ficto. (on hiatus?)

What kind of healthy relationship involves one person having to lie consistently just to maintain said relationship? How is that respectful or fair to either party?? 

 

And most sexual people want something very specific when it comes to sex within a relationship, which is mutual desire.. a mutual love of the sexual intimacy. If ever a day comes when you can't maintain this facade and you tell him "well actually, I'm just ace... I've been ace all along" he's going to feel so used, disrespected and possibly even disgusted. For many sexuals, having sex with someone who doesn't actually want it (even if they pretend to) is a *massive* turn off. To find out you kept up that facade for months or even years could destroy his confidence and will almost certainly feel like a huge betrayal.

 

It's just not fair on him really.

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Philip027
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For many sexuals, having sex with someone who doesn't actually want it (even if they pretend to) is a *massive* turn off.

I've heard a lot of sexuals here on this very site claim that it felt like they had been unknowingly raping their partners.  (Which isn't always the case with an asexual partner; they can potentially still consent to sex -- but that doesn't necessarily stop the icky feelings when party A finally realizes party B wasn't as into it as party A thought they were.)

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Solitary Lotus

So it sounds like you’re having some codependency issues with your boyfriend. You feel like you have to lie to him about sex because you believe if you don’t lie he’ll cheat on you. 
 

Look, if you two do have a strong relationship like you say and you tell him, I’m sure he’ll understand (please apologize for lying though); you two can have a conversation about how you want to move on from here. If he tells you that he needs to have sex to maintain a healthy relationship then you should break up. Then again he may say that he still wants to be with you even if he can’t have sex with you (yay, that would be great).

 

Though, if you choose to continue to lie you’ll be hurting yourself and him. Yourself by repressing who you truly are and him by not giving him the chance to see the real you. 

 

No one wants to date a facade. So please tell him the truth.

 

 

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Pan Ficto. (on hiatus?)
12 minutes ago, Philip027 said:

I've heard a lot of sexuals here on this very site claim that it felt like they had been unknowingly raping their partners.  (Which isn't always the case with an asexual partner; they can potentially still consent to sex -- but that doesn't necessarily stop the icky feelings when party A finally realizes party B wasn't as into it as party A thought they were.)

Yeah it's a bit different if your ace partner discussed their asexuality with you first and said they want to try to sex as a compromise etc, then the sexual can still try it to see if they enjoy it but that's on BOTH partner's terms. But when the sexual person has no choice in the matter and is unknowingly having sex with someone who doesn't want or enjoy it... I mean, urgh, I can totally see how a sexual could interpret it as a form of 'unknowing rape' (even if that's not actually what it is, it can still *feel* that way for the sexual who finds out they were having sex with someone who doesn't desire or enjoy the sex. It's a very deep, very hurtful betrayal) :c

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Lara Black
4 hours ago, AussieIsAce said:

im gonna say lie or lying alot but i dont think of it as a lie...more me compensating. 

kinda like if i was born with one leg and i used a fake leg..im compensating for my lake of something in this case my lake of sexually desire. 

 

the main thing i started thinking about is how much ive started lying to my boyfriend. this act of enjoying and requiring sex is really complicated. 

i lie to him about how he can make me cum and i lie to him about how good sex makes me feel, i lie to him about how much i love being naked with with.

Let’s go with this metaphor of having some physical disability and compensating for it. There’s a big difference between admitting that you have it (and need to compensate) and pretending you don’t have it at all. If you’re lying that your partner can make you come and that you enjoy sex with him, you’re basically going out of your way to pretend you have both legs – like going dancing and hiking despite the discomfort it causes you. It’s not that a caring partner would never make you do any of that if he knew how uncomfortable it made you feel... at least, if hiking was that important for him, he could take your condition into account – like let you rest more and so on.

 

So what is your goal? For him to accept that you are different and to find a way how you can compensate for it, or for him to think that you “don’t have a disability”?

 

(Disclaimer: I don’t consider asexuality to be any kind of disability, so here I’m only putting it this way to keep with the author’s metaphor.)

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Homer

The question is not if this is going to blow up in your face, but when. The longer it takes, the more it will hurt both of you.

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Lisa Smith

I've been in relationships with sexual people and it ALWAYS ends badly. Lying is never a good start. Forcing yourself to do something you don't want to to keep someone happy is a bad idea. You end up resentful and bitter. I think you know that this is going to go wrong and it would be kinder to both of you to be honest x

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AussieIsAce
On 10/15/2019 at 6:16 AM, Homer said:

The question is not if this is going to blow up in your face, but when. The longer it takes, the more it will hurt both of you.

why would it blow up in my face. its going really well. 

i love him. i just dont love sex with him lol 

 

he will never find out. 

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Philip027
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why would it blow up in my face.

The whole "relationship being based on a lie" thing tends to do it a lot of the time.

 

Quote

i love him.

Debatable.  Most people don't willfully and continuously do a crappy thing to those they love just so they can keep them around.  That isn't love, it's just plain selfishness.

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Homer
35 minutes ago, AussieIsAce said:

he will never find out. 

Until he does.

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uhtred
1 hour ago, AussieIsAce said:

why would it blow up in my face. its going really well. 

i love him. i just dont love sex with him lol 

 

he will never find out. 

He may sense that something is wrong, and worse may think that there is something *wrong* with him (as opposed to a mismatch in the relationship).

 

I think in general *big* lies are bad in a relationship, and given the central role of sex in romantic relationships between sexuals, this is a *big* lie.   I'm not blaming you. 

 

Lots of possible issues:  If you pretend to enjoy sex ,what are the boundaries?  How do you decide what sexual activities you will pretend to like?   Do you really want to spend the rest of your life pretending to enjoy something you don't enjoy?  

 

Maybe you can tell him that you don't enjoy sex as such, but enjoy pleasing him because you love him (if that is true).   

 

If you were in a long term marriage, I might suggest differently, but you are just dating.  Why not find someone who is compatible? 

 

 

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AceMissBehaving
1 hour ago, AussieIsAce said:

why would it blow up in my face. its going really well. 

i love him. i just dont love sex with him lol 

 

he will never find out. 

I’m gonna be really real here, as an asexual who is fine having sex with her long term partner, it’s often difficult to sustain on an out asexual kind of frequency, and over time completely unsustainable on a sexuals ideal frequency. I’m sure there are exceptions to every rule, but as time wears on it will get harder, especially if you are getting nothing out of it.

 

Also he might not figure out exactly what is wrong, but he will figure out something is wrong. I’ve been hired to teach super sexual swingers, how to seduce each other at an “adult” summer camp, pretending to be incredibly sexual is literally one of my jobs, and my husband still knew something was off. He would describe it as “some sort of wall” and this is before even I knew I was ace.

 

Like @uhtred says he might even think it’s him, which will crush him.

 

It is impossible to build a solid intimate relationship on lies, and it’s unfair to your partner.

 

Please do yourself, and your partner a favor if you really do love him, and tell him the truth 

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Qiana
On 10/13/2019 at 11:46 PM, AussieIsAce said:

is it worth it? that is the main question i think most ace people struggle with. 

is it worth it for me to have sex with someone regularly. 

is it worth my time 

is it worth my effort 

is it worth my discomfort

is it worth my frustration..and so on. 

 

im gonna say lie or lying alot but i dont think of it as a lie...more me compensating. 

kinda like if i was born with one leg and i used a fake leg..im compensating for my lake of something in this case my lake of sexually desire. 

 

the main thing i started thinking about is how much ive started lying to my boyfriend. this act of enjoying and requiring sex is really complicated. 

i lie to him about how he can make me cum and i lie to him about how good sex makes me feel, i lie to him about how much i love being naked with with.

its just a whole lot of lying. can i lie forever about it?...yeah im a good liar. but im not happy that im lying i kinda feel like i have to lie being ace cause i cant making myself enjoy sex and im gonna want to keep dating this guy cause hes great and im not coming out as ace cause thats just not something id do i think its kinda a cop out. so i feel like im allowed to li. its not like he is ever going to find out. im just faking my emotions for sex not for my love for him or anything. so its kinda alright im my book i guess. i feel like i have to lie and that its alright because there isnt an other way. im not gonna tell him im ace and then have super boring sex with him. i think people enjoy sex because of the sounds and shit people are saying...if i told him ace everything i tell him during sex would sound meaningless. lmaoooo so yeah that just me. otherwise we have a very strong great relationship. 

 

so the question is, is it worth it? 

for me yes, having sex makes him happy and if we werent having sex im pretty sure hed cheat and or leave me so yeah sex is important.

maybe for you no. 

 

If i break up with him i wont be seeking sex from anyone until i start dating again anyway. 

 

 

so my question for everyone is. is having sex with your boyfriend or girlfriend worth it for you and do you 'lie' about sex like i do. 

 

I think for me having sex because my partner likes it is worth it (but also for me) it's about how often he wants me to be reciprocating that (which could also be because of my history of sexual and emotional trauma) but lying to my partner about how sex made me feel would not feel worth it to me. For me that would feel like I was also lying about my satisfaction with the relationship as a whole because all of my needs were not being met and I felt the need to justify why they weren't by lying to make my partner believe everything was okay (no judgment) just saying it wouldn't be worth it for me to lie about my feelings even if i wasn't a demisexual I wouldn't tell someone they made me feel good physically if they didn't. Also making yourself miserable by continuing to lie knowing you aren't happy doesn't seem healthy and as you've stated you don't enjoy doing that.

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WanderingKate

I want to start off by saying that I've been exactly where you are and definitely sympathize with your situation. Before I knew that asexuality was a thing, and then when I was trying to force myself to be "normal" and sexual, I did sexual things and pretended to enjoy it. I did everything I could to make it seem like I was into the acts, and at first it was okay, at first it was worth it to maintain the relationship I had. But as time went on it got harder and harder to maintain, I started to hate myself for living a lie and it felt like I was acting and putting on a show every other night...it was exhausting. It truly drained my soul. I don't know if my partner ever found out but I can imagine they'd be hurt and confused if they did, and that bothers me to this day. If you love this person like you say you do, you should consider his feelings...people that you love deserve your honesty. I know it's hard and a painful conversation to have. But trust me when I say this is not sustainable because I've been there. It hurts everyone involved. I started off thinking I could keep the lie going forever as well, doing this one thing I dislike and pretending to love it a couple times a week is no big deal....what I thought would be a minor annoyance ended up being soul crushing and the guilt of potentially hurting my partner and keeping him from a truly mutual sexual connection with another sexual was devastating. On top of all this, I became resentful of this person through no fault of his own...he didn't know, but I became angry with him because I was angry with the situation I was in...again, completely my own fault, but I took my resentment out on him and now I deeply regret it despite apologizing...sometimes it weighs on me.  I'm sorry to ramble, I just saw a lot of my old self in your post and I'm sorry for the situation you find yourself in. Please at least consider what everyone here is telling you. A lot of us have been in your shoes. Living a lie will always destroy you and it's not worth it. 

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colorblind_sunset

I understand all of it....I guess that will make people angry. I'm not saying it's ok to lie... it just really sucks when you love everything else about your relationship with someone except that ONE THING. how you can feel like they're perfect for you except they happen to want sex all the time and you could care less. but everything else fits. it's so confusing and painful. especially when everything else matches up...life goals, politics, hobbies, interests... you don't want to give up this person just because of this one thing. 

in my case, he actually does make me feel good physically...I just wouldn't ever miss it if it wasn't there. 

it is a very daunting thing...asking yourself continuously if it's worth it to put yourself through that or pretend you care about something you don't... 

it just really sucks when you want companionship but everyone you date wants and expects sex and it always causes an issue if you don't do it. I hate to make it as black and white as that, but in my experience, that's how it's been- if you don't want to have sex, it's not ok, something is wrong and you end up breaking up anyway... so sometimes....yeah...it is worth it to just do it so you can have some semblance of a "normal" life with another person.

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Serran

You want him more than you want to be respectful and fair to him, so you lie. You're using the same defense a cheater uses when they hide an affair. And the truth coming out has the same potential to be soul destroying as an affair. Potentially more, because often the sexual ends up feeling not only lied to, betrayed and tricked but also like a disgusting rapist because you never wanted it and they did it. 

 

If you're OK doing that to someone you say you love... 

 

Or, you could be honest and work out a way to be happy together on a healthy communication and honesty starting point. Where you aren't hurting yourself by forcing sex you don't want. And hurting him by the constant lies that are bound to come out one day. And that he may already know something is off about but be thinking it's just him not being good enough and you not wanting to be rude and say so, which is what many sexuals thought secretly before their partners came out as ace. 

 

True love involves trust. Trust is not ever possible if the relationship is built around lies.

 

Edit: Also this being OK or not isn't your decision to make for him. And it's really unfair to decide it is. 

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DolphinLover22

That's exactly how I felt until just recently. I just came out to my boyfriend yesterday, and it was HARD. I cried a TON because I was afraid he would leave me. More than that, I felt like he should because he deserves someone who will give that to him as much as he wants. But he just hugged me and told me that he loves me for so much more than the sex and that if I'm ace, then I'm ace. That's not a choice I make. That's who I am. He's willing to compromise and focus on other aspects of our relationship. I'm SO lucky to have him in my life ♥️ And getting it off my chest felt like such a relief. No more deceit. And it just made our love stronger. 😃

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AceMissBehaving
5 minutes ago, DolphinLover22 said:

That's exactly how I felt until just recently. I just came out to my boyfriend yesterday, and it was HARD. I cried a TON because I was afraid he would leave me. More than that, I felt like he should because he deserves someone who will give that to him as much as he wants. But he just hugged me and told me that he loves me for so much more than the sex and that if I'm ace, then I'm ace. That's not a choice I make. That's who I am. He's willing to compromise and focus on other aspects of our relationship. I'm SO lucky to have him in my life ♥️ And getting it off my chest felt like such a relief. No more deceit. And it just made our love stronger. 😃

I’m so happy for you! It can be a terrifying conversation to have, but absolutely worth it. (Things went the same way when I finally  had the conversation a few months ago too, and things have been infinitely better)

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DolphinLover22
1 minute ago, AceMissBehaving said:

I’m so happy for you! It can be a terrifying conversation to have, but absolutely worth it. (Things went the same way when I finally  had the conversation a few months ago too, and things have been infinitely better)

Happy to hear it got better 😅😃

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AceMissBehaving
15 minutes ago, DolphinLover22 said:

Happy to hear it got better 😅😃

It did. There have been rocky moments, and there have been a lot of things my partner needed to process and work through, but knowing he’s with me for who I actually am, and accepts me for real has been such a huge relief

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Qiana
6 hours ago, DolphinLover22 said:

That's exactly how I felt until just recently. I just came out to my boyfriend yesterday, and it was HARD. I cried a TON because I was afraid he would leave me. More than that, I felt like he should because he deserves someone who will give that to him as much as he wants. But he just hugged me and told me that he loves me for so much more than the sex and that if I'm ace, then I'm ace. That's not a choice I make. That's who I am. He's willing to compromise and focus on other aspects of our relationship. I'm SO lucky to have him in my life ♥️ And getting it off my chest felt like such a relief. No more deceit. And it just made our love stronger. 😃

I'm glad he was understanding. I'm happy you have someone who is willing to consider compromising. The only thing I'd say is maybe be mindful of things as time goes on and make sure you're checking in with each other.

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SithGirl

Honestly, OP, you need to be honest with him. A relationship built on lies will never last. Even ones built on misunderstandings crumble and tear apart. There are so many sexuals on AVEN who say their partner had sex with them in the beginning and then came out much later and stopped, and now they're struggling with the relationship. They feel terribly, they sometimes get upset at their partner for not being honest about things, and it's a huge crap show. 

 

I don't see how if having sex with him is fine for you, why can't you just be honest with him about it? You're having sex with him now, so why would telling him you're ace and don't intrinsicly desire or enjoy it matter? If coming out means you'd want to stop all sex altogether then... well I guess I don't see how having sex with him and lying to him about it is any better for him in the long run. 

And yeah, if he feels bad about it then try and talk about it. Maybe he'll stay and try and work it out. 

 

You're putting your fear of losing him over him. He deserves to not be lied to. And it's difficult to see how someone who's lying to their partner so much and bragging about how good they are at it also claim they love them. 

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