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Lithsexual/Autochorissexual/Grayasexual Personal Labeling Confusion


Cole's Username

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Cole's Username

I recently started doing research into asexuality after discovering that I may be asexual. I thought I identified with lithsexual after hearing a definition from this site's tumblr glossary, but looking into other definitions made me unsure. I know that the label itself isn't the most important thing and it's all about how you define yourself and your labels, but I'd like to make sure I'm at least not using entirely incorrect labels or just making up definitions that are wholly wrong.

 

My personal situation goes as follows: I have sexual attraction towards others, but acts of intimacy and sex "turn me off" (gross me out/don't interest me in general. e.g. Thinking about sex/attraction with someone, fine. Actually being with someone in the moment, ick.) As such I thought the lithsexual definition could apply to me, "someone who is lithsexual may experience sexual attraction but does not want it reciprocated." However it starts to lose me when others talk about how lithsexuals only want to give sex and not receive sex, or that if their partner is attracted to them, they lose their attraction to their partner. It's not that I don't want my sexual attraction reciprocated, it's that I don't want sex.

 

Autochorissexual may be a better term for me then, but I get the feeling that those who use it would have an entirely different definition of the label than I. For example, "I'd say it's attraction to the situation or chemistry between two people," doesn't really fit me. I'm attracted to people, I'm sexually attracted to people, I think having sex would be great, but actually being intimate with someone was gross to me and I decided not to go any further with them because of it. 

 

If I should just identify as grayasexual or use asexual as a blanket term to identify as, I'd be happy to do so. If you think there is a label for me I can use to explain who I am, please feel free to let me know, that's what I'm here for. Thank you.

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everywhere and nowhere

I feel something similar to what you describe, so perhaps my own description of my thoughtfeelings and the labels I find useful in conveying them may also be helpful to you.

I'm aware of the potential conflict between the two most popular definitions of asexuality. I'm not asexual under the official definition, at least if "sexual attraction" is understood as not necessarily leading to desire sexual contact. However, I'm 100% asexual under the most popular alternative definition - "an asexual person is someone who experiences no desire for partnered sex". I don't ever want to have sex, in fact I actively want to never have sex. Altogether, I prefer terms such as "effectively asexual" or "functionally asexual" - they can help note that I'm not a "textbook asexual", perhaps I'm not even "wired" to be asexual, but I became predisposed to asexuality very early through my chronic illness and resulting nudity aversion (I wouldn't even say "I became asexual" because, as I understand it, all children are functionally asexual, their orientation remains latent).

As you can see in my profile data, I identify first as "sex-averse and nudity-averse". It is a way to avoid the issue of whether I'm asexual - not in the sense of being for some reason afraid of "touching" this issue, but rather in the sense of making it secondary to the fact that I anyway don't want to have sex with anyone. The idea of personally having sex feels deeply frightening to me, I'm terrified of being naked in another person's presence or letting someone touch me in such way. I don't even experience any internal conflict over it (and believe me, I know - from other issues - what it's like to desire something and be afraid of it at the same time), wouldn't want to be psychologically capable of having sex. My sex aversion is strong enough to completely eliminate any desire or even any potential regret over not being able to desire sex - on the contrary, I wouldn't like to desire sex also because I just don't perceive it as something worthwhile, I have no need for sex and desire in my life.

I use the label "autochorissexual" because it just fits. I'm not necessarily a fan of labels (though not a label hater either), I just felt genuinely interested and surprised that a term exists which describes my feelings so well. My most important sexual activity if having fantasies in third person, I perceive it as an expression of both my sexual attraction and sex aversion - I'm unable to want to actually have sex, so instead my attraction is redirected into imagining sex in third person, as an observer or (even more, due to my extremely verbal imagination) narrator.

To be honest, I have a bit of personal prejudice towards terms such as "gray-ace". Technically... it would fit, I'm probably even a very good example of someone who is not a "textbook asexual" and yet would fit such a term very well without even needing to delve into sophistry such as "does experiencing desire once in a decade qualify as clearly less than what is considered 'normal sexuality'?". But still I have this irrational fear that it would suggest some bit of potential for sexual "availability". And I don't have it, my willingness to have sex is less than zero. I use terms such as "asexual", "effectively asexual", "sex-averse", "rebel against compulsory sexuality", "proud spinster", "never gonna be nobody's wife, mother or lover" also to signal that I don't want to have sex with anyone, ever, so anyone crazy enough to desire me should stop trying. ;)

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everywhere and nowhere

It seems that you have posted two identical topics. I posted my response in the second one.

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Lithosexual-  is a sexual orientation on the asexual spectrum. Someone who is lithosexual may experience sexual attraction but does not want it reciprocated. This is the copied and pasted definition. The people you described are not really lithosexual if they are wanting to have sex, they just have a prefer for what their position is. A lithosexual would not want sex at all despite feeling attraction.

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I suppose it depends on how you want to use your labels with other people. If you want to discuss (but not act on) your sexual attractions, then it seems like lithosexual or sex-averse describes your situation well enough. If you prefer to keep sex out of the conversation entirely, then asexual seems to cover things just fine. (And you can round up to 'effectively/functionally' asexual with a more in-depth conversation.)

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The posts from a similar thread titled "Lithsexual/Autochorissexual/Grayasexual Personal Labeling Confusion" have been merged into this one, and I've moved this thread from "Questions about Asexuality" to "The Gray Area, Sex and Related Discussions".
 
Michael Tannock,
Open Mic moderator and Questions about Asexuality Co-moderator.

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@Cole's Username Welcome to AVEN!

 

You could be Asexual.

I define Sexual Attraction as leading to the desire to have sex with someone (This is different from Arousal, which doesn't always lead to desiring sex with someone).

 

Incidentally, it is a tradition here to welcome new members by offering cake, and here's a "Birdhouse" cake (all edible),

http://cakesdecor.com/cakes/57868-birdhouse-cake

luiccamupx68p5qxns3i.jpg

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Cole's Username

Hey thank all y'all so much for all the support and help (even though I was destroying your forums lol.) Like I said I had an interesting night of questioning myself, browsing definitions and forums and texting my all too supportive sister who wasn't at all surprised about me saying I think I'm asexual. Thanks for all the helpful explanations too, this is exactly the sort of help I needed 😁. If any of you are curious I don't think autochorissexual defines me but the idea of arousal being different from attraction was very helpful in me being able to consider myself lithosexual, though honestly I don't think I have all that much libido anyway. Besides that thinking back on the all of 2 relationships I've had, I remembered I hadn't wanted to start either of them and the second one I broke up with 3 hours in so I wouldn't lead them on. (Also sorry for the misspelling of lithosexual, I saw it both ways in historical context and I wasn't sure which was more accurately correct.) Anyway, with the help of my sister I looked back on my life and experiences and can now confidently and proudly consider myself asexual. Now how about that cake?

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