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When do teens start wanting to have sex?


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At what age did your cohort start wanting to have sex?  

30 members have voted

  1. 1. At what age did your cohort start wanting to have sex?

    • <=13
      9
    • 14
      10
    • 15
      3
    • 16
      2
    • 17
      2
    • 18+
      4


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As someone greatly involved in books/Goodreads, I've noticed a great upswing in YA books* for teens with sexual content, anywhere from teens expressing sexual interest to actual sex scenes. And the more I hear about these books, the more confused I get, because when I was a teen no one was interested in sex or having sex. Sure, people joked about it, but to my knowledge no one seriously wanted to have sex. And now people are trying to convince me that all this time, teens have been incredibly sexual, most teens have sex and want to read about it, etc., from the age of 15 or even younger.

 

Of course, I know some teens have sex because teenage pregnancy is a thing, etc. But these people are telling me most if not all teens are having sex - or at least it's more normal to be having sex as a teen than it is to not be having sex. For instance, many readers are supporting YA books with sex because sex in a teen relationship is more "realistic."

 

Is it?

 

What were others' experience like? When did your fellow teens start expressing interest in sex?

 

It doesn't help that my first personal experience with sex was in an abusive relationship, so I don't know when teens in healthy relationships start having the conversation.

 

(*that no one can agree on what "YA" actually means when it comes to books is a whole other discussion)

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@Mechanism Unknown, given that this is an asexual forum, it may be sensible to add "never" as an alternative.

 

Looking back, so far as I am aware, out of a year group of 90, only one person claimed to have had sex before we'd finished the "Upper sixth", and even at uni probably 90% hadn't said that they'd had sex 

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Lord Jade Cross

Hmm this is a tough one because some books get into a bit more details than others. Ive come across books marketed for teens or young adults where some parts are bordeline explicit erotica while others imply it through inuendos or jokes.

 

As for how realistic they are, I guess it depends on the reader. I imagine that for someone knowledgeable in sex, most sex scenes will not fly because they know its all overhyped. Its similar to someone who looks at porn as a source of sex education when in reality it rarely is.

 

I recall my peers in school talking about sex at around 12+, but whether they were having sex or not I cannot say. I doubt they were as the old saying that those who boast too luch are just faking but there is always the possibility

 

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1 minute ago, SkyenAutowegCaptain said:

@Mechanism Unknown, given that this is an asexual forum, it may be sensible to add "never" as an alternative.

 

I'm not sure what you mean? I'm not asking about the poster's individual interest, but the interest in their peer group. Unless you're referring to posters who are still teens themselves?

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Honestly, it varies so much from person to person that it's a bad idea to try and pin any one age down. 

 

The mean age for first intercourse is about 17. It's not unreasonable to assume that teenagers are desiring of it for a few years before that. A personal friend of mine starting having sex with his girlfriend (now wife, aww) when they were both 15. A healthy, stable homelife meant they were both ready for it, and they weren't pressured into it too early. 

 

As for YA books, many of them definitely already hint at sex or talk about it, and anything more explicit might be a poor idea because it would probably be just as educative and realistic as porn (in other words, not at all). Maybe YA authors can use it as an opportunity to slip in a little sex ed, given how bad my country in particular is at it, but I wouldn't depend on it. 

 

Honestly, I think teens typically wait quite a while longer to have sex than people think they do. There will always be more sexually active teens that everyone points to to demonstrate just how "crazy" teenagers can be, but judging by the statistics above, there are quite a lot of people who wait until older than 17 to do anything. 

 

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Mackenzie Holiday

When I was a teen, two of my friends (who were a couple) were having sex when one was 14 and the other was 15. I think it's more than reasonable for books aimed at people that age to acknowledge that a lot of them are not only interested in sex but act on it. A lot of the adults in teens' lives unfortunately bury their heads in the sand when it comes to teens' sexualities, so I understand why a lot of teens would be seeking out books that acknowledge a part of their lives that is likely being ignored.

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RoseGoesToYale

There's really no way to answer this. E.g. supposedly the boy across the street from my house growing up did it at 13. Some of my friends didn't do it until 17/18. Most of them actually started in college. Bear in mind there's a difference between starting to have sexual feelings vs when a person has sex for the first time. People might start feeling attraction around 13 or 14 but not date or have sex until much later, because they're not ready yet, waiting for a stable relationship, not wanting to deal with the drama/rumors of high school, lack of good sex ed, etc.

 

Also (and I was party to this a bit haha) there's a lot of pressure, if not to have sex, to feel sexual feelings and express those during the teen years. Some people feign interest before they're actually interested just to fit in.

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9 minutes ago, GhostGoesToWail said:

There's really no way to answer this. E.g. supposedly the boy across the street from my house growing up did it at 13. Some of my friends didn't do it until 17/18. Most of them actually started in college. Bear in mind there's a difference between starting to have sexual feelings vs when a person has sex for the first time. People might start feeling attraction around 13 or 14 but not date or have sex until much later, because they're not ready yet, waiting for a stable relationship, not wanting to deal with the drama/rumors of high school, lack of good sex ed, etc.

One of my many problems with sex in YA books is that they don't make this distinction. I have yet to see a book in which the characters want to have sex but decide not to.

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everywhere and nowhere
2 hours ago, Mechanism Unknown said:

(*that no one can agree on what "YA" actually means when it comes to books is a whole other discussion)

Just by the way (and sorry for the offtopic): yeah, really, what does "YA" mean? Because, as I understand it, real young adults are people from the age of 18 until - ? - I'm not sure, some people would say maybe 21, I'd include all the way until the end of typical university age (assuming that one didn't take a break, studied at one facculty, completed a whole Master or Engineer degree...), so around 24.

But it seems to me that what is meant as "young adult books" is rather written, unless I'm mistaken, with an assumed reader of about 14-17 years in mind. So definitely not even an adult...

In Polish it has a better name - "literatura młodzieżowa" - but its literal equivalent, "youth literature", doesn't sound right. It's English, but doesn't seem like a phrase actually used by native speakers. But, in a way, it would be better, because what is really meant as "young adult books" are, it seems, "older minor books"...

"Youth literature" seems to be treated a bit unfairly. I remember a situation from high school... I went to a class with broadened curriculum in German - each week four ordinary lessons (grammar etc.) with a Polish teacher and two lessons with a native speaker - and for the latter, the "conversations", I had to prepare a project about youth literature. I searched for some books on the topic at the Goethe Institute and it seemed to me that children's literature is much more studied than youth literature - and in today's world these are two distinct things, in today's world teenagers even feel offended if classified as "children".

 

And, back to the topic: I believe that people around the age of 15, 16 or even 17-18 shouldn't have sex. I believe that most people are only mature enough to make a fully informed decision about whether they want to have sex when they are at least 20 years old. Yes, I admit that it sounds paternalistic. But I believe that apart from consent, sex which could be qualified as "good" must meet one more condition: that the people involved are sure that they want to do it. Actually, in a way it's a part of consent too: if a person feels unsure, but scared to admit it, their consent is not genuine. Sexual pressure happens all the time and the younger a person is, the harder it may be for them to resist this pressure. And for me situations of the kind "If you really loved me, you would have agreed" are coercive without any doubt.

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My friend group in high school didn't talk about it much. We were all the awkward crowd and didn't really date. My only friend who had a relationship I think had sex at 17 but I don't know when anyone was interested in it back then. I certainly wasn't and it wasn't on my mind. 

 

Edit: I should point out though that it's different from kid to kid. A couple years ago, some 8th graders got in trouble at my school for having sex on a bus (around other students, it was a weird scandal for the teachers). So that would be around 14 years old when those kids were into it.

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Galactic Turtle

One of my friends became sexually active in high school. Out of a class of 60 I think maybe 5-10 were having sex regularly at some point. I'm sure more got a bit handsy with each other though.

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45 minutes ago, Nowhere Girl said:

Just by the way (and sorry for the offtopic): yeah, really, what does "YA" mean? Because, as I understand it, real young adults are people from the age of 18 until - ? - I'm not sure, some people would say maybe 21, I'd include all the way until the end of typical university age (assuming that one didn't take a break, studied at one facculty, completed a whole Master or Engineer degree...), so around 24.

But it seems to me that what is meant as "young adult books" is rather written, unless I'm mistaken, with an assumed reader of about 14-17 years in mind. So definitely not even an adult...

Exactly. In everyday things, like demographic surveys, church groups, etc. "young adult" usually means ~18-25. However, for some reason (don't ask me why) "YA literature" is marketed towards teens. But teens how old? People disagree. I've heard as young as 12 (which, yes, isn't even a teen...) and as old as 19. I would hope we can all agree 12-year-olds are very different from 19-year-olds.

 

Unfortunately, this is one of those things that no one agrees on what it actually means so when people talk about it, we're not even talking about the same thing.

 

(There's also the confusing term "middle grade books," which although people tend to agree is for kids 8-12, is a misnomer because "middle school" is ~11-13...)

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Im really active on goodreads too and I’ve noticed this! When I got into reading seriously about 10 years ago I started saying in all my reviews if there Was explicit content in the YA books I read, but I eventually stopped because it was essentially all of them.  

 

As for the original question, Im not sure. My friends never talked about it. I went to a strict Christian school so it was hidden pretty well if it was happening. But I have an adult friend now who told me she had multiple sexual partners in high school. 

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DuranDuranfan

I knew someone who had sex when she was 13. I was merely fantasizing about it at that time.

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I was 23.

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I knew a girl who got pregnant at 13 but at the same time a lot of other people I knew didn't have sex until well after 16. I was late 17 or very early 18 (can't remember which) but yeah I hadn't ever had a boyfriend or held hands with a guy or anything like that before my first time. Lame lol.

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At thirteen, one of my friends started having sex. I was aghast, what the hell was she doing with her life?!! She was very offended by my response, as we were friends and she expected me to be not only on her side but also impressed. I begged her to stop and get control back over her life. She dumped me as a friends over this. Now, when I look back on it... I was kinda being a dick but I didn't know it.

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I have absolutely no idea. I know some people were in high school, but I have no clue how often that was happening. I know there were kids a year ahead of me who got caught having oral sex on a field trip in 6th grade, or at least that’s the rumor. 

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  • 2 weeks later...
On 10/20/2019 at 11:51 AM, GlamRocker said:

At thirteen, one of my friends started having sex. I was aghast, what the hell was she doing with her life?!! She was very offended by my response, as we were friends and she expected me to be not only on her side but also impressed. I begged her to stop and get control back over her life. She dumped me as a friends over this. Now, when I look back on it... I was kinda being a dick but I didn't know it.

No, you weren't being a dick, you were being responsible. Sex is inherently risky. Thirteen-year-olds are not mature enough to understand and take responsibility for those risks. The fact that she cared so much about your opinion shows that she was not mature enough to make the decision for herself.

 

At 13, it's also illegal.

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13 hours ago, Mechanism Unknown said:

No, you weren't being a dick, you were being responsible. Sex is inherently risky. Thirteen-year-olds are not mature enough to understand and take responsibility for those risks. The fact that she cared so much about your opinion shows that she was not mature enough to make the decision for herself.

 

At 13, it's also illegal.

Well, the guy was also 13

And it seemed not so much that she cared about my opinion as she felt betrayed when I wasn't happy for her... since she was happy for herself.

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1 hour ago, GlamRocker said:

Well, the guy was also 13

And it seemed not so much that she cared about my opinion as she felt betrayed when I wasn't happy for her... since she was happy for herself.

People decide when they feel its right. You cant talk them out of it. 

 

As for legal or not, depends where you live. But, two 13yros getting it on will rarely get in trouble. Consent ages tend to be more for age gaps. 

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Desiring sex? Definitely around at age of 13 (my own observations, my peers started at 12).

 

But having sex? That's a good question. Most of people seems to be waiting until they become 16 but I have heard cases where it happens earlier than that.

 

Spoiler

 These cases usually garner publicity in the news. I remember one time the news reporting about a baby that was found in the trash container by a homeless man who brought it in the Pirogov hospital (the biggest hospital in my country) where they tested the baby for DNA. This is how they found out that the parents were actually 14yo kids.

 

I have had cases of people (including one specific Youtuber, whom I will not mention) saying that "it's just their curiousity" or whatever... as if kids are too stupid to realize wtf they are doing or wtf looking at (as with the cases of porn).

 

Spoiler

It almost felt like that they were justifying inappropriate behaviour, you know.

While I do agree that kids being intentionaly exposed to porn by others is illigal and a crime, I think that dismissing behaviour where they openly watch porn in public is also dangerous because a) they are encouraging this kind of bad behaviour and b) this behaviour is potentially punishable by the law (I think that is called "sexual misconduct" or whatever).

 

If a employee gets caught watching porn at work, at worse case scenario, they can get fired for it by the employer... but if a kid watches porn in school or other public institutions, it's suddenly okay? WTF?!?

 

To me, it seems like some people doesn't realize as to why proper Sex-Ed is needed in the first place (to explain different counter-measurements; STIs, AIDs and HIV; the concept of consent, safe and sane sex; explain different sexualities, including Asexuality and that all of it is okay). It's for their own good.

 

 

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One of my friends had sex for the first time when she was around 14-16 years old. And another friend started having sex at 18. And my crush had sex at like... 13 or 14. 

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everywhere and nowhere

I had already written here, but I recalled that I actually could have more to say. It's not about my age cohort (I'm 38 years old) because I'm rather a loner and at time when some of my schoolmates were probably starting to have sex, I was already open about not wanting to do it at all. However, I have a much younger friend, she's 23 now. A heterosexual and fairly hypersexual trans woman. In this case she was law-abiding - she first had sex pretty much as soon as she was 15, which is the age of consent in Poland. When we were talking about it, I said that even if it's legal, I still consider 15 to be much too early, and she said that while she wanted to avoid getting in any potential legal trouble*, but she just couldn't wait any longer because she had already felt sexual desire at the age of 8. 😮

 

*Another friend of ours may be an example. Let's call him Leo - it's not his real name, but a kind of nickname which has stuck to him and he hates it. So we always use it when we are angry at him behaving stupidly. Leo is gay and also... he has never been officially diagnosed as mentally retarded, but when talking to him, one can just sense this little bit of mental dullness. It may have something to do with some perinatal complications, or maybe with alcoholism in the family... he doesn't seem to have outright FAS and I just don't know if his mother did already drink during pregnancy, but it seems significant to me that while he has an older sister, he also used to have two brothers who died shortly after birth. :( It just seems striking given contemporary low rate of infant mortality - half of these four siblings didn't survive the first year. Anyway, when Leo was about 17 years old,  his mother and sister, despite his lack of official diagnosis, tried to prevent his from having sex by petitioning to the court that, given his mental state, he should be treated as incapable of legal consent until he is 18. While Poland, despite prevalent homophobia, has equal age of consent for different-sex and same-sex contact (and stopped penalising gay sex in 1932... I feel a little sad that few people remember it and few people feel proud of it :(), I feel strangely sure that his family wouldn't have reacted this way if underage Leo was having sex with a girl.

And to be fair to him: while not particularly intelligent, he is mostly a responsible person.

Well, at least in case of handling his mother's alcoholism and preventing her from getting in debts. Because he has also lost a phone about 7 or 8 times, and interestingly, the first time he lost his phone was right after his sexual "first time". ;) He has also lost keys which weren't even his. Now he wants to convert to Lutheranism and the deacon gave him a copy of Martin Luther's catechism. I wanted to borrow it - and I won't, because he has lost it as well. ;) When Iza was telling him that he's stupid, and he never changes and never grows up, he answered in a very predictable and very "Leonian" way: that no, it's a completely different thing because he didn't lose a phone...

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