A question about a type of demisexuality/demiromanticism

[Anarchamory]

Hello,

 

Demisexuality/Demiromanticism is when you don't feel any sexual/romantic attraction until a deep emotional bond is formed. But this deep emotional bond is not a guarantee that a sexual/romantic attraction will develop.

 

Is there a name for a type of demisexuality/demiromanticism where all occurrences or more realistically all occurrences of some types of deep emotional bond ARE a guarantee that a sexual/romantic attraction will develop?

 

Thanks!

 

Best regards

[Iam9man]

26 minutes ago, Anarchamory said:

Demisexuality/Demiromanticism is when you don't feel any sexual/romantic attraction until a deep emotional bond is formed. But this deep emotional bond is not a guarantee that a sexual/romantic attraction will develop.

As far as I understand, yes.

 

26 minutes ago, Anarchamory said:

Is there a name for a type of demisexuality/demiromanticism where all occurrences or more realistically all occurrences of some types of deep emotional bond ARE a guarantee that a sexual/romantic attraction will develop?

Not as far as I know.

[Marlow1]

@Anarchamory I don't think so. In my case it was not just the emotional bond that needed to develop, the circumstances within which the relationship developed were also important. Plus I needed some help from another person to keep me on track for a while.

 

For folk that are Demiromantic and/or Demisexual it is more to do with the fact that it takes a long time for us to become attracted. I think the statement about there being no guarantee has been added so that Asexual folk understand that even with time, and investment, for many of them even if a emotional connection occurs, if they are Asexual and not Demi then the emotional attraction still will not lead to sexual attraction.

 

Or with somebody like me who is Demi, although we may have had a handful of relationships where following the long period of time, appropriate circumstances and so on, we did develop an emotional bond that led to attraction, even with similar circumstances, this does not mean it will happen again.

 

We do not become attracted to everybody that we have emotional bond, it has to be very specific circumstances, and the length of time that we know the person also plays a massive role.

 

It would be kind of odd to become attracted to everybody to whom we have an emotional bond. I have an emotional bond to some of my in-laws. I care about them, and will do favors for them and such, and will go out of my way for them, but these relationships although close will never lead to anything romantic or sexual since the context within which these relationships are taking place do not contain the much needed circumstances that I would need to become attracted.

 

I do hope this is making sense??? 

[Rynn]

Not that I know of. Also, would be odd. You couldn't possibly be attracted to every single person you develop a deep emotional bond with. Would there be any other requirements, such as 'has to be of an appropriate age' and 'is not a member of my family'?

 

I was about to say 'I've never met anyone who is like that, online or offline.' but then I remembered that I have one friend (who isn't demi or ace) who says she develops minor crushes on pretty much all of her friends. 

[Anarchamory]

6 minutes ago, Laurann said:

Not that I know of. Also, would be odd. You couldn't possibly be attracted to every single person you develop a deep emotional bond with. Would there be any other requirements, such as 'has to be of an appropriate age' and 'is not a member of my family'?

It's for this reason I precise : 'more realistically all occurrences of some types of deep emotional bond'. Yes, 'appropriate age' can count and 'not a member of my family' can count too. I think we can assume that we develop a different type of emotional bond with people of our family or people of an inappropriate age.

 

Quote

I was about to say 'I've never met anyone who is like that, online or offline.' but then I remembered that I have one friend (who isn't demi or ace) who says she develops minor crushes on pretty much all of her friends. 

It's a little my case: beside a certain threshold, the closer my friends are, the most they attract me romantically. Everything happens for me as being romantically attracted to someone is equivalent as being very very very friend with them, beside a certain threshold.

[Anarchamory]

I miss to precise another thing: 'has to be of an appropriate age' and 'is not a member of my family' seem to be moral requirements that refrain us from acting sexually/romantically with people who don't fullfill those requirements but that don't necessarily say anything about attractions.

[Rynn]

@Anarchamory I think you could still say you're demi then. Just some subtype of demi that doesn't have a name. You could make one up, but I don't think that's going to make anything clearer to anyone you'd come out to. You'd still just have to explain.

 

1 minute ago, Anarchamory said:

I miss to precise another thing: 'has to be of an appropriate age' and 'is not a member of my family' seem to be moral requirements that refrain us from acting sexually/romantically with people who don't fullfill those requirements but that don't necessarily say anything about attractions.

Well, it's technically still possible to experience attraction in those cases, just far less common, so it is also a bit about attraction.

 

(Also, I'm a language nerd, sorry, but from the way you use language, I think you speak French? I just want to know if I guessed correctly really  )

[Missing]

1 hour ago, Anarchamory said:

Is there a name for a type of demisexuality/demiromanticism where all occurrences or more realistically all occurrences of some types of deep emotional bond ARE a guarantee that a sexual/romantic attraction will develop?

This still fits perfectly under the definition of demisexual/demiromantic. For some, attraction doesn't always occur under those circumstances and for others it occurs most if not all of the time. That's just individual variance and that's totally normal.

[Anarchamory]

1 minute ago, CBC said:

No and please let's not make one. Wholly unnecessary. 

Why?

[Anarchamory]

1 minute ago, Laurann said:

(Also, I'm a language nerd, sorry, but from the way you use language, I think you speak French? I just want to know if I guessed correctly really  )

Yes, you're correct I'm a french folk. Then, sorry if my language is a bit odd...

[Anarchamory]

6 minutes ago, Laurann said:

Well, it's technically still possible to experience attraction in those cases, just far less common, so it is also a bit about attraction.

Anyway it's pretty uncommon to be on the a-spec

[Rynn]

3 minutes ago, Anarchamory said:

Yes, you're correct I'm a french folk. Then, sorry if my language is a bit odd...

It's not odd, don't worry about it   Everyone understood everything perfectly, and that's what language is for, so it's all good.

The word 'precise' is what gave it away. 'Je precise' doesn't directly translate to 'I precise.' In English you'd say something like 'I specified'.

 

2 minutes ago, Anarchamory said:

Anyway it's pretty uncommon to be on the a-spec

That is true  

[maybeimamazed]

38 minutes ago, Anarchamory said:

Why?

There is such a thing as overlabeling.

 

What's next? "I'm brunetteromantic because I only fall in love with brunettes"?

[AceMissBehaving]

I mean nothing is ever a guarantee. Even amongst regularly sexual/romantic people all the necessary boxes can be ticked, and still no spark.

 

I would imagine the same amongst demi folks. There are those for whom attraction is relatively predictable like you talk about on the OP, and then those for whom it’s more of a gamble as to whether it will happen or not.

 

It’s not so much that a new label is required, but more of a setting expectations with a brief conversation at the start of a relationship “It might take a while for me to get there, but I usually do if you’re willing to be patient” vs “a sexual relationship is a possibility, but it’s hard to predict. I like you and if you’re willing to take a chance I’d love to see where this goes”

 

It’s a few minutes of conversation and a united message. Nothing is one size fits all, there is always the parts uniquely ours.

[Anarchamory]

It seems to me there is a confusion between attraction and desire. I can be sexually / romantically attracted by a person while haven't desire doing sexual / romantic things with them. 

 

In my opinion, attraction is tied with what the person is for me, independently of context and circumstances. The person is attractive for me or not or a little. The person, not whatever around them. 

 

In contrast, desire can depend from the attraction but also from other considerations: context, circumstances, and other things which are not essential regarding to the person but rather accidental. For instance I can having no desire to do anything sexual with them at time T despite I'm attracted by them. Or I can desire to do sexually things with another person who doesn't attract me because for instance I have a great sex drive and I had no partnered sex for a while... 

[Anarchamory]

What is common is the following: I have a deep emotional bond with 10 persons, 5 of them attract me sexually / romantically, 5 of them don't, and there is no significant difference in the emotional bond between the 5 who attract me and the 5 other.

 

For me, the emotional bond is not simply a prerequisite but the cause in itself of the attraction. So if I have a deep emotional bond with 10 persons, 5 of them attract me sexually / romantically, 5 of them don't, then there IS A significant difference in the emotional bond between the 5 who attract me and the 5 other.

[Anarchamory]

All things equal otherwise of course

[cammiep]

On 10/12/2019 at 11:47 AM, Anarchamory said:

It's for this reason I precise : 'more realistically all occurrences of some types of deep emotional bond'. Yes, 'appropriate age' can count and 'not a member of my family' can count too. I think we can assume that we develop a different type of emotional bond with people of our family or people of an inappropriate age.

 

It's a little my case: beside a certain threshold, the closer my friends are, the most they attract me romantically. Everything happens for me as being romantically attracted to someone is equivalent as being very very very friend with them, beside a certain threshold.

I feel the same way about most of the people I'm friends with (I'm Demisexual and possibly Biromantic), and it's always been a bit confusing to me.

 

P.S. I agree with the others, I don't think there is a specific word, at least not in English.