Sexual problem in an asexual relationship (it's getting tuff)

[Worriedsexual]

Hi everyone, I'm resorting to these forums because I'm pretty lost right now. 

When my asexual girlfriend and I started dating I was unaware she was ace, she would joke about all her exes she'd joke about how she had sexual interactions with mutual friends of ours before even speaking a word to them. And the day we met we had sex!

I'm a very sexual guy, it all seemed normal to me, it seemed she was pretty much like me. Except she wasn't, a few months later she starts crying and feeling terrible after sex, at first I thought it was because of her depression but slowly I understood what she hinted at but never truly talked about with me, she hates sex, it's uncomfortable, she doesn't feel happy, doesn't need it, has never wanted it, apparently all those stories were from when she was younger (and a tipsyer) and getting to understand herself better, back then she thought of sex as something people must do in a relationship.

After finding this out we immediately stopped having sex, I love her and don't want to pressure her or make her feel like that ever again!

It was fine for a while we've been dating for 2 years, but it's been a full year now without any sex and it's starting to get to me, like really, I find myself thinking about sex much more, getting aroused much more. Mind you in my previous relationship I had sex every other day, multiple times a day if we could.

So now here I am starting to feel terrible for wanting sex, terrible because I feel like that is something bad to talk about between us, and terrible because I feel like I'm not being honest and I might hurt her if I hold it in, or let it out. In my head saying I need to have sex sounds like something a jerk would say.

So I guess my question is, how do I say to my asexual girlfriend who I'd never ask to have sex with, I need to have sex?

I'm sorry for the long post and the details you may not want, I'm not sure how to word this better. 

[RosyLeo]

Hey, I'm sorry I have no experience and thus no advice in this area.  But I'm really glad you decided to reach out to us.  You sound really caring and thoughtful, and I appreciate that you are keeping your girlfriend's feelings in mind while trying to solve this problem.

 

I'm sure others will have good advice for you, as your problem sounds like one that others will have likely experienced as well.  No worries about the long post or intimate details, it's all pretty normal here ^^ feel free to share as much as you like.

[MrDane]

@Worriedsexual just like that: “I would never ask you to participate in a sexual activity with me, that you dont want to be part of. I love you and want to stay with you, but I need to have sex! Could we talk about options and possible solutions to my problem (To stay sane, undepressed, happy....?) You already sound quite understanding about her situation. 

 

Next step is to stay true to your feelings/needs/desire and accept that they are okay. 

 

Personally I fear for the day when I have to have this talk with my ‘kind of sex neutral’-ace wife. Someday she may drop the bomb and say “look, no more. I havent been able to stand it for quite some time. It bugs me and I can no longer focus on the intimacy or the pleasure that im bringing you. I hate your enthusiasm.” My goal is to stay with the love of my life, keep the family structure of monogamy, and aim for happiness.

 

i couldnt and wont go for celibacy. I am much for finding solutions which can keep my monsters at bay. I accept that this surely is not her language of love. At this point, we have agreed to mostly look at our scheduled, agreed upon, sexual activity as her giving me an aid with masturbating. Can feel a bit cold. 

 

 

[Homer]

Moved from Asexual Relationships to For Sexual Partners, Friends and Allies

Homer

Moderator

[JMR]

As an ace in a sexual relationship, I also just really want to say that I am never upset that partner has sexual needs. They are an important part of you and completely normal!! You are not a bad person or a jerk because of that.

 

Definitely talk this out with your partner and see if there is a compromise somewhere. Your needs are just as important and need to be met as well! 

[Scottthespy]

Communication is always the key. For most sexual people, sex is a psychological need, its important, so just sitting on this is likely to lead to resentment and damage your relationship. Breaching the topic with your girlfriend in a 'I'm not looking to pressure you, but can we talk about options?' sort of way, like @MrDane suggested, is a good place to start, but you should also consider what options you might be interested in first, so you can have something ready to discuss. There are a lot of ways you could go about this, but a few that I like to recommend for people to consider are:

 

Toys. A lot of people think of toys as a thing you use when single, and while they can be used to take the edge off of physical needs, they can also be used as a couple to create or maintain an intimacy in the relationship. There are several specifically designed for use as a couple and most of them can be used as a couple in some way. Some asexuals who don't want their own bodies being touched in sexual ways have reported being more open to using toys on a partner. People have mentioned that the intimacy without needing to feel the sensations themselves is nice, and that they're happy to be able to see their partner's pleasure at their own hands. And there are plenty of toys designed for use on men. I'm actually working in an adult toy shop right now, so if you'd like to know more, sent me a message and I can work with you to figure out what sorts of toys you might be interested in.

 

Sex Workers. If legal in your area and financially feasible, you might consider going to sex workers for your physical needs and setting extra time aside for emotional intimacy between you and your girlfriend so that she doesn't feel like you're trying to leave her. This is something to talk to her about to see if she'd be comfortable with that, and you'd both have to agree upon ways to make sure that you both still feel a strong connection to each other. 

 

 

Open Relationships. This is a very very delicate one, even moreso than sex workers. With workers, you expect a lack of emotional attachment since its just a job for them, but with an open relationship, where you're looking for other partners to experience certain things with, that threat of intimacy is back on the table. Its not for everyone, and its something to be very carefully considered, and you have to be completely honest. This isn't cheating, both partners  of the original relationship have to be completely willing and comfortable, and everyone involved has to be aware of and alright with the relationship situation. If anyone isn't honest with themselves and the group, this sort of thing can devolve fast. If you want to consider this sort of thing, you should look up online resources from people who've made it work, to get an idea of what's actually involved and the mindset you and your partner need to have it go smoothly. 

[Ours]

9 hours ago, Worriedsexual said:

Hi everyone, I'm resorting to these forums because I'm pretty lost right now. 

When my asexual girlfriend and I started dating I was unaware she was ace, she would joke about all her exes she'd joke about how she had sexual interactions with mutual friends of ours before even s

So now here I am starting to feel terrible for wanting sex, terrible because I feel like that is something bad to talk about between us, and terrible because I feel like I'm not being honest and I might hurt her 

Do not feel guilty for wanting sex in a committed monogamous relationship. You are not shallow or some salivating creep. You will both hurt during this conversation but you have to talk about it. She was honest with her sexuality and you were very kind to not want to hurt her. But it is her sexuality and your sexuality is different. You can stay together with lots of work an compromise but it is what it is.

 

all dating relationships end... be it in marriage or just ending that choice is up to you both.

[Memento1]

Thanks for sharing your story, Worriedsexual, it takes a lot of courage to be so open.  I'm sorry this has been so tough for you.

 

Not wanting to say your truth because it might hurt your partner is exactly why she held off on saying anything to you for so long.  As everyone has said, communication is key.  Nothing good comes from holding in your feelings in this situation.  Talk about it!  If the talks go badly, try a couples counselor - communication is their specialty.  These kind of talks can be painful and awkward, but they are much better than holding it in and hoping something will change.  Bringing up your desires is not the same as pressuring her to fulfill them - make sure she knows that.  MrDane gave an excellent example of phrasing.

 

Let us know how it goes!

[allieakat]

There's an article called "Love is not enough"  which pretty much sets out what's in the title: love can exist between two people who are not compatible and however much they love each other it's not going to change the fact of the fundamental incompatibility.  https://markmanson.net/love

 

Are you prepared to spend the rest of your life in a sexless relationship?  If yes (taking into account all the alternative ways for you to satisfy your sexual needs while staying in this relationship), then carry on.  If no, then the relationship you are in at the moment is going to end at some point and the question for you becomes: when it is going to end and how?

 

(In cold hard economic terms, there is something called "the sunk cost fallacy" - having put effort/resources into something, the tendency is to carry on with that something past the point at which it is giving back enough value - https://www.behavioraleconomics.com/resources/mini-encyclopedia-of-be/sunk-cost-fallacy/  You have obviously invested a lot in your current relationship, but you may now be at the point where ending it sooner rather than later is the better course for you to take.)

 

 

 

[AceMissBehaving]

Does your girlfriend identify as ace, or is it something you’ve pieced together for yourself?

 

If she does then she probably already understands the place sex has in sexual people’s lives and that it’s different from how it places in her’s.

 

If she doesn’t then there may need to be some careful explaining to do.

 

That said you should be able to talk about your wants and needs. I personally am grateful when my husband talks about how he feels. It’s not pressuring for sex to talk about how you’re feeling, at least not if it’s kept in terms of his feelings instead of my actions as a the cause.

 

Communication is typically the key in these kinds of relationships, there are way to make it work, but it will probably require some soul searching on both sides, and possibly looking into, and considering different arrangements to get to a place both parties are happy 

[Lara Black]

22 hours ago, allieakat said:

There's an article called "Love is not enough"  which pretty much sets out what's in the title: love can exist between two people who are not compatible and however much they love each other it's not going to change the fact of the fundamental incompatibility. https://markmanson.net/love

 

Are you prepared to spend the rest of your life in a sexless relationship?  If yes (taking into account all the alternative ways for you to satisfy your sexual needs while staying in this relationship), then carry on.  If no, then the relationship you are in at the moment is going to end at some point and the question for you becomes: when it is going to end and how?

 

(In cold hard economic terms, there is something called "the sunk cost fallacy" - having put effort/resources into something, the tendency is to carry on with that something past the point at which it is giving back enough value - https://www.behavioraleconomics.com/resources/mini-encyclopedia-of-be/sunk-cost-fallacy/ You have obviously invested a lot in your current relationship, but you may now be at the point where ending it sooner rather than later is the better course for you to take.)

Yes, that.

It might sound cynical and bitter, but love doesn’t perform miracles. Same as we don’t expect it to resurrect our dead loved ones, we can’t expect it to fix our fundamental incompatibilities.

You want lots of sex. Your girlfriend doesn’t want any. Each is absolutely fine by itself, but put together your orientations have the potential to make your both miserable.

So basically, as I see it, there are two positive solutions:

1. You find something that really works for you both: alternative forms of sex that make you both happy (and not “kinda happy and it’s better than nothing” type of happy, but really and honestly satisfied) or

2. You break up.

Dragging it out for years till you’re both miserable enough to finally call it quits might take years out of both your lives for no good reason.

If you can’t be a traditional couple, you might find that you work out much better as close friends or something else entirely, so even breaking up doesn’t necessarily mean losing this person.

Whatever you decide, best of luck to you both.

[uhtred]

Sometimes the sexual incompatibly is too wide for a relationship to work. You can cause endless misery trying to find a compromise that doesn't exist.   You need to have a heart to heart talk with her, no blame, but if the gap is too wide, you will not be happy together. 

 

The longer you wait, the worse it gets as you become ever more committed to your partner. 

 

 

[Worriedsexual]

Thank you so much everyone, you really helped me look at this with a clearer mind. Your words are helping me go through this with a more conscious understanding of not only my situation but my girlfriend's as well.

It's far from being a simple situation with a simple answer but I'm going to share my feelings honestly and openly, that feels like the best thing to do to respect both of our positions and the health of our relationship. Again thank you all, I don't feel so lost, and I really think I'll communicate better after reading all of your counseling. 

[Pheedre]

On 10/12/2019 at 12:00 PM, Memento1 said:

Talk about it!  If the talks go badly, try a couples counselor - communication is their specialty.

Your advise was very good, don't get me wrong, just wanted to share though, that myself and my husband went to a therapist, and although she said she understood asexuality, all she kept saying is "sex is an important part of a marriage" which even my husband agreed didn't help...hopefully we can find someone who has some other suggestions but yes, you're right communication is key, and I guess a therapist can be good even if just to open the lines of communication...

[anisotrophic]

@Pheedre I agree that experience & specialty is key, and that @Memento1's suggestion is overly optimistic. You should want someone ace-aware. And don't fall for therapists that say "oh yes I'm familiar with X" (I'm sorry that happened to you ) Ask someone how often they've done this sort of work.

For my partner's asexuality: our therapists had actually worked with multiple ace folks & partners, it was a routine part of their shared LGBTQIA+ practice. It's not enough to know a definition, they need to be familiar with common challenges – and honestly that's only going to happen as part of a practice. Ideally a larger practice where they're working with other therapists that also work with ace folks & family.

 

In contrast, I had a terrible therapy experience with someone who was "familiar with transgender" and listed it on their profile. Turned out they had one – ONE – transgender patient ever, over decades of practice. Nine years ago. And it was terrible, they were totally ignorant of standard respect and issues confronted by transfolk. (Which sucked because they then enabled shitty behavior on the part of a family member in joint therapy.)

 

Personally I think opening a relationship, even nominally, is really valuable. (Our relationship is nominally open, I haven't exercised it.) The alternative is for one or both partners to be stressed: the sexual feels "trapped" indefinitely without being sexually desired (the "forever" aspect is especially distressing), and the asexual feels pressured with being "trapped" as the sole source of sexual intimacy for a sexual partner. Open is complicated and might be the first step to a slow break up ... or a partner might refuse it, in which case, break up. But staying together without "open" is, IMHO, unsustainable without condemning one or both partners to a lot of pain.

[Memento1]

18 hours ago, Pheedre said:

Your advise was very good, don't get me wrong, just wanted to share though, that myself and my husband went to a therapist, and although she said she understood asexuality, all she kept saying is "sex is an important part of a marriage" which even my husband agreed didn't help...hopefully we can find someone who has some other suggestions but yes, you're right communication is key, and I guess a therapist can be good even if just to open the lines of communication...

Good point.  I should clarify Asexuality only got out from under the "sexual desire disorder" umbrella in 2014, so therapists who were trained before that often have trouble letting go of that mindset.  I've met older therapists who are embarrassingly behind the times and hold archaic views, and many who frankly just aren't good.  I'm currently in a graduate program to become a marriage and family therapist, and the foundations are there.  There is a big emphasis nowadays on multicultural awareness, respect for client values, and counselor humility.  I've met many students who I think will be equipped to handle these types of problems, but I've absolutely met some who I'm afraid will make terrible therapists.

[Pheedre]

6 minutes ago, Memento1 said:

Good point.  I should clarify Asexuality only got out from under the "sexual desire disorder" umbrella in 2014, so therapists who were trained before that often have trouble letting go of that mindset.  I've met older therapists who are embarrassingly behind the times and hold archaic views, and many who frankly just aren't good.  I'm currently in a graduate program to become a marriage and family therapist, and the foundations are there.  There is a big emphasis nowadays on multicultural awareness, respect for client values, and counselor humility.  I've met many students who I think will be equipped to handle these types of problems, but I've absolutely met some who I'm afraid will make terrible therapists.

I'm glad to hear there is hope for the up and coming therapists! I think it would be a fascinating profession this day and age.

[Mysterywriter221]

You're not terrible for wanting sex. There's nothing wrong with being allosexual. 

 

I don't know what exactly you talked about when you stopped having sex but it may be a conversation you need to revisit. Toys, hand jobs, etc may be acceptable alternatives to sex acts you were engaging in before. 

 

Of course, don't pressure her into something she's not comfortable with (and it sounds like you wouldn't do that anyway), but you need to both be open and honest with each other about your needs.