Bubblesarecool Posted October 11, 2019 Share Posted October 11, 2019 I’m 19, and for a few years I’ve just been wondering if something is wrong with me. I have a relatively high libido and masturbate, but I don’t think I’ve ever felt sexual attraction. Like I don’t fantasize about anyone when I do it but I do read erotica and watch porn sometimes. Ive never looked at anyone and thought anything more than they have a pretty face. I’ve never been attracted to anyone. But I feel like I don’t fully fit asexuality cause of the masturbation thing, or even fit being straight. I can’t imagine ever having a dick near me, or even wanting that. I don’t belong anywhere. Is it possible my confusion is just do to lack of experience? I haven’t even kissed anyone. Shouldn’t I just know what I like? Honestly I just want to be normal. Idk, anything to help me figure this out would be appreciated. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
GutsyCowardLep Posted October 11, 2019 Share Posted October 11, 2019 Welcome to the land of confusion my friend. Honestly most people are still trying to figure themselves out, people make new discoveries and come to understand themselves better. masturbating and looking at porn does not keep you from being asexual, being asexual is just a lack of sexual attraction towards other people. I know for a long time I confused Aesthetic and Sensual attraction for sexual attraction despite me never wanting to have sex with someone. some people probably can give you better insight then me because i'm still trying to figure myself out, I know a lot of stuff is confusing but hopefully you'll find some answers here as well as acceptance. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Alawyn-Aebt Posted October 11, 2019 Share Posted October 11, 2019 1 hour ago, Bubblesarecool said: I’m 19 Hello Fellow 19-year-old! Welcome to AVEN! 1 hour ago, Bubblesarecool said: I have a relatively high libido and masturbate, but I don’t think I’ve ever felt sexual attraction. Like I don’t fantasize about anyone when I do it but I do read erotica and watch porn sometimes. There are asexuals who masturbate, who read erotica, or who watch porn. 1 hour ago, Bubblesarecool said: I’ve never been attracted to anyone. This is generally the definition of asexuality, not experiencing sexual attraction or sexual desire. Whether you are or are not asexual is something only you can answer though. 1 hour ago, Bubblesarecool said: Is it possible my confusion is just do to lack of experience? I haven’t even kissed anyone. Shouldn’t I just know what I like? I felt the same way for a bit, I haven't had sex or kissed anyone (or even dated for that matter) so how can one actually tell if one is asexual? Sadly, it can be hard to know definitively. However, would you want to hug a cactus? How do you know you would not want to if you have never tried it? Would you want to be electrocuted with a million volts? How do you know if you have never tried it? See the problem? Yes, sometimes one may never know something until they try it, but other times one can know, either by intuition or by logic, that they do not like it, without having to try it first. If you have any other questions or clarifications just ask. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
twetzel59 Posted October 11, 2019 Share Posted October 11, 2019 1 hour ago, Bubblesarecool said: I’m 19, and for a few years I’ve just been wondering if something is wrong with me. I have a relatively high libido and masturbate, but I don’t think I’ve ever felt sexual attraction. Like I don’t fantasize about anyone when I do it but I do read erotica and watch porn sometimes. Ive never looked at anyone and thought anything more than they have a pretty face. I’ve never been attracted to anyone. But I feel like I don’t fully fit asexuality cause of the masturbation thing, or even fit being straight. I can’t imagine ever having a dick near me, or even wanting that. I don’t belong anywhere. Is it possible my confusion is just do to lack of experience? I haven’t even kissed anyone. Shouldn’t I just know what I like? Honestly I just want to be normal. Idk, anything to help me figure this out would be appreciated. Welcome to AVEN! Well, first off, I can debunk the masturbation thing. Plenty of asexuals masturbate. It's just a physical thing, I suppose, but it's not really connected to your orientation. I remember a survey of asexuals that found more respondents masturbate than don't, so for sure that's not a disqualifier. 😃 As for the not having sexual attraction to others... that's, well, the textbook definition of asexuality. From our front page: An asexual person is a person who does not experience sexual attraction. Does that mean that you're just asexual, hands down, question closed? No, not necessarily. You're free to identify as you wish, and you can choose not to identify as ace, or wait some time to see if your feelings change. That said, noticing a lack of attraction and feeling out of place and confused is something that many of us have been through, because as asexuals we feel different from so many of those around us. It's fine to be questioning. It's fine to be unsure. So are you ace? I wish I could say and make it easy, but for me, ending up here took almost a year of introspection. I can't label you from one post, and I wouldn't want to, either. Only you can truly discover the nuances of your own experience. I will say, though, that you've come to the right place to ask these questions, because many of us have been in the same place We welcome our new members with a cake (it's a tradition ), so here you are with an exotic-looking Matcha Tea Cake 🍵: One last thing... it seems that this experience has been a bit stressful for you. We get that. It's not easy to feel different, especially when it's the Number One Thing for so many people. It really is okay, though! Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Bubblesarecool Posted October 12, 2019 Author Share Posted October 12, 2019 1 hour ago, twetzel59 said: Welcome to AVEN! Well, first off, I can debunk the masturbation thing. Plenty of asexuals masturbate. It's just a physical thing, I suppose, but it's not really connected to your orientation. I remember a survey of asexuals that found more respondents masturbate than don't, so for sure that's not a disqualifier. 😃 As for the not having sexual attraction to others... that's, well, the textbook definition of asexuality. From our front page: An asexual person is a person who does not experience sexual attraction. Does that mean that you're just asexual, hands down, question closed? No, not necessarily. You're free to identify as you wish, and you can choose not to identify as ace, or wait some time to see if your feelings change. That said, noticing a lack of attraction and feeling out of place and confused is something that many of us have been through, because as asexuals we feel different from so many of those around us. It's fine to be questioning. It's fine to be unsure. So are you ace? I wish I could say and make it easy, but for me, ending up here took almost a year of introspection. I can't label you from one post, and I wouldn't want to, either. Only you can truly discover the nuances of your own experience. I will say, though, that you've come to the right place to ask these questions, because many of us have been in the same place We welcome our new members with a cake (it's a tradition ), so here you are with an exotic-looking Matcha Tea Cake 🍵: One last thing... it seems that this experience has been a bit stressful for you. We get that. It's not easy to feel different, especially when it's the Number One Thing for so many people. It really is okay, though! Thank you for your input, and cake lol Well actually I do find this experience pretty stressful. I find myself just going through repetitive thought cycles of what I am, and I always end up more confused. I've been doing it for a while and its super frustrating. I tried to talk about it with a friend, but it just made me even more confused than I already was. Even my dreams confuse me. Honestly, I don't want to be asexual, I just want everything to be simple, which is unrealistic, I know. Cause like if I am, I worry about the future and convince myself I'll end up alone, cause who would even want to deal with me and then that too 2 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Bubblesarecool Posted October 12, 2019 Author Share Posted October 12, 2019 2 hours ago, Aebt-Ætheling said: Hello Fellow 19-year-old! Welcome to AVEN! There are asexuals who masturbate, who read erotica, or who watch porn. This is generally the definition of asexuality, not experiencing sexual attraction or sexual desire. Whether you are or are not asexual is something only you can answer though. I felt the same way for a bit, I haven't had sex or kissed anyone (or even dated for that matter) so how can one actually tell if one is asexual? Sadly, it can be hard to know definitively. However, would you want to hug a cactus? How do you know you would not want to if you have never tried it? Would you want to be electrocuted with a million volts? How do you know if you have never tried it? See the problem? Yes, sometimes one may never know something until they try it, but other times one can know, either by intuition or by logic, that they do not like it, without having to try it first. If you have any other questions or clarifications just ask. Thank you! I see your point. Guess you can know without trying. I just wish I knew if I actually knew. I feel like I can't even trust myself 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Bubblesarecool Posted October 12, 2019 Author Share Posted October 12, 2019 3 hours ago, GutsyCowardLep said: Welcome to the land of confusion my friend. Honestly most people are still trying to figure themselves out, people make new discoveries and come to understand themselves better. masturbating and looking at porn does not keep you from being asexual, being asexual is just a lack of sexual attraction towards other people. I know for a long time I confused Aesthetic and Sensual attraction for sexual attraction despite me never wanting to have sex with someone. some people probably can give you better insight then me because i'm still trying to figure myself out, I know a lot of stuff is confusing but hopefully you'll find some answers here as well as acceptance. Thank you! I definitely experience aesthetic attraction, so that sometimes confuses me too. Cause I can appreciate how they look but can't imagine being intimate with them, like I don't really like the thought. Good luck with figuring yourself out, you got this Quote Link to post Share on other sites
KoiFishShoes Posted October 12, 2019 Share Posted October 12, 2019 This sounds almost exactly like 18-year-old me. The prior posters did a better job of debunking and explaining things than I could, so I'll just reiterate that it's perfectly okay to be confused, to try out different labels, and to change your mind if you find something that better suits you. I think there is a bit of imposter syndrome, or something like it, around wondering if we are doing asexuality correctly. There is no one way. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Bubblesarecool Posted October 12, 2019 Author Share Posted October 12, 2019 11 hours ago, KoiFishShoes said: This sounds almost exactly like 18-year-old me. The prior posters did a better job of debunking and explaining things than I could, so I'll just reiterate that it's perfectly okay to be confused, to try out different labels, and to change your mind if you find something that better suits you. I think there is a bit of imposter syndrome, or something like it, around wondering if we are doing asexuality correctly. There is no one way. Okay thank you thats reassuring. I guess a label doesn't really matter, but its more so for my own sanity. But its okay to flip between them? Yea the doing it right thing definitely comes to mind. I feel like I wouldn't be asexual enough, if that makes sense. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Bubblesarecool Posted October 12, 2019 Author Share Posted October 12, 2019 4 hours ago, CBC said: Maybe. Not necessarily. Some people do, others need to have experiences to figure it out. I was more in the latter category. So you'd say having those experiences helped you figure it out? Idk, maybe I should just push myself to do something so I'll know. I'm just terrified lol Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Bubblesarecool Posted October 12, 2019 Author Share Posted October 12, 2019 35 minutes ago, CBC said: I wouldn't say push yourself, no. Just stay open to possibilities. Never force yourself to do anything you're truly uncomfortable with, though. It's always important that you feel safe and do things only in situations where you know the other person will be respectful and stop whatever they're doing, be it kissing or touching you anywhere or actual sex, if you tell them to. Never do anything you feel certain you don't want. Yea you're right, that's true I won't. I just meant push myself out of my own comfort zone a little, I'm a pretty shy person, so no opportunity like that has ever come up. Maybe that factors in too 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Janus the Fox Posted October 13, 2019 Share Posted October 13, 2019 20 hours ago, Bubblesarecool said: Yea you're right, that's true I won't. I just meant push myself out of my own comfort zone a little, I'm a pretty shy person, so no opportunity like that has ever come up. Maybe that factors in too Always push for something that you’ll want or need, take such slowly as the moment does provide that opportunity, kind of from own experiences even if own experiences are limited. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
twetzel59 Posted October 13, 2019 Share Posted October 13, 2019 On 10/11/2019 at 8:42 PM, Bubblesarecool said: Thank you for your input, and cake lol Well actually I do find this experience pretty stressful. I find myself just going through repetitive thought cycles of what I am, and I always end up more confused. I've been doing it for a while and its super frustrating. I tried to talk about it with a friend, but it just made me even more confused than I already was. Even my dreams confuse me. Honestly, I don't want to be asexual, I just want everything to be simple, which is unrealistic, I know. Cause like if I am, I worry about the future and convince myself I'll end up alone, cause who would even want to deal with me and then that too You're welcome. Questioning is incredibly confusing at times. My dreams are also a source of doubt for me, so I decided it would be healthier for me not to analyze them so deeply. You'll figure it out eventually. As for not wanting to be asexual, I've been there. It's really scary to admit to yourself that you're so different from society on this key issue, and it can seem like you'll never meet someone compatible. I used to be very worried about ending up alone, which I don't want. That said, there are absolutely other asexuals out there. Here at my college, there is a sizeable group of people who are ace and talking about it, and I know several personally! But here's the thing: it's sorta hidden. A bystander would never know that I'm ace or anyone else is (unless they have a flag or button, etc). I actually only met this people once I flat out carried a mini ace flag around campus, and someone saw it and offered to add me to an LGBT chat group. That ended up leading me to this rather quiet group of aces. So, even though it feels isolating, there are others out there! On 10/11/2019 at 8:50 PM, Bubblesarecool said: Thank you! I see your point. Guess you can know without trying. I just wish I knew if I actually knew. I feel like I can't even trust myself Self-trust is hard. I'm bad at it too 😂 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
NickyTannock Posted October 16, 2019 Share Posted October 16, 2019 A very belated welcome to AVEN! As others have explained, a libido doesn't disqualify you as an Asexual, as Asexuality is a lack of Sexual Attraction, which I define as leading to the desire to have sex with someone, and arousal doesn't always lead to desiring sex with someone. You could be a type of Asexual called an Autochorissexual: http://asexuals.wikia.com/wiki/Autochorissexual Meaning you experience arousal, and masturbate, but are not attracted to have sex with someone. Incidentally, it is a tradition here to welcome new members by offering cake, and here's a "Shiny Bubbles" cake (all edible), http://cakesdecor.com/cakes/318864-shiny-bubbles Quote Link to post Share on other sites
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