What is the difference between demisexual and demiromantic? Am I one of those?

[LadyLupus]

Hello all, lately I've been questioning whether or not I may be demisexual or demiromantic. I do have a libido, but I don't often find myself sexually attracted to others. I may find a person aesthetically pleasing and perhaps I may be attracted to their physical appearance, but more so in a "I wanna hug and kiss them" kinda way rather than a "I wanna fuck them" kinda way. If that makes sense. Also, I find I have a hard time developing a crush on anyone. Maybe it's because I'm often off in my own little world, but I find that more often than not I'm attracted to fictional characters more than I am to real people. Maybe it's because my standards are too high, but I think part of it is because with fictional people you learn so much about them so quickly and get to know them as a person within the span of a several episodes or a book as opposed to over the course of several years like with real people lol. This is why I wonder if I'm demisexual or demiromantic (or neither), because I find I'm often falling for fictional people more than real people since, as I said, you get to know fictional people so much easier and faster than with real people. And if I am demisexual or demiromantic, what can I do to find a partner? I want to find love but if I'm not attracted to people irl how will I ever find it? Sorry if it sounds like I'm rambling, lol, and if you have any questions please let me know and I'll do my best to clarify! I know no one can make the decision for me. I know nobody can tell me if I'm demisexual or demiromantic because at the end of the day it's a label you apply to yourself but I'd really appreciate some help deciding if I am one of those or not. Thanks! Have a nice day!

[SithLord]

Demisexual means developing sexual attraction towards someone after forming a bond with that person. Demiromantic means developing romantic attraction towards someone after forming a bond with that person. This wouldn't be a "We had a conversation over coffee for a couple hours so now I'm totally into him" but rather a deeper bond that can take months or years to form. 

 

Not sure how that connects to fictional characters. We tend to use ficto-sexual or ficto-romantic to such indidivuals, but I know it's not exactly uncommon to be attracted to fictional characters. So if you're demiromantic, being attracted to fictional characters wouldn't invalidate or confirm that orientation. 

 

I'm not demiromantic, so I don't know what it feels like. To me, romantic attraction feels like an general desire to engange in romantic activities with another individual, even if it's not directed at any person specifically all the time. Part of that would be me fantasizing about potential relationships involving me and that person (as a kid it involved real people, as an adult it involved fictional characters, which feels like the opposite of what it should be). 

 

If you are demi-, then you just need to form a bond with people in order to see if you eventually develop feelings/attraction towards them. Maybe not speed date or dating apps, but taking everything slow and starting off as friends.

[NickyTannock]

I've moved this thread from "Questions about Asexuality" to "The Gray Area, Sex and Related Discussions".
 
Michael Tannock,
Open Mic moderator and Questions about Asexuality Co-moderator.

[NickyTannock]

You could be an Aromantic Asexual rather than Demiromantic or Demisexual.

 

What you're describing is Sensual Attraction, which I define as leading to the desire to have intimate non-sexual physical contact with someone, like a kiss and cuddle.

I define Sexual Attraction as leading to the desire to have sex with someone (This is different from arousal, which doesn't always lead to desiring sex).

And I define Romantic Attraction as leading to the desire to have a romantic relationship (I still don't know what that is, I'm Aromantic).

There's also Platonic Attraction, which I define as leading to the desire to have a close friendship with someone.

And Aesthetic Attraction doesn't lead to the desire to do anything other than appreciate someone's aesthetic beauty (you can't take your eyes off them).

 

A Demisexual experiences Sexual Attraction only after forming a bond with someone.

And a Demiromantic experiences Romantic Attraction only after forming a bond with someone.

 

From what I understand, a Fictosexual only experiences Sexual Attraction towards fictional characters.

And a Fictoromantic only experiences Romantic Attraction towards fictional characters.

 

An Asexual doesn't experience Sexual Attraction, but could experience the other types of attraction, and also physical arousal.

An Aromantic doesn't experience Romantic Attraction, but could experience the other types of attraction.

 

If you experience the other types of attraction, then what you desire could be a QPR (Queerplatonic Relationship): http://wiki.asexuality.org/Queerplatonic

[rainbowocollie]

I'm probably demiromantic. The last time I felt romantic attraction, it took two or three years of knowing the person first.

[LadyLupus]

9 hours ago, MichaelTannock said:

You could be an Aromantic Asexual rather than Demiromantic or Demisexual.

 

What you're describing is Sensual Attraction, which I define as leading to the desire to have intimate non-sexual physical contact with someone, like a kiss and cuddle.

I define Sexual Attraction as leading to the desire to have sex with someone (This is different from arousal, which doesn't always lead to desiring sex).

And I define Romantic Attraction as leading to the desire to have a romantic relationship (I still don't know what that is, I'm Aromantic).

There's also Platonic Attraction, which I define as leading to the desire to have a close friendship with someone.

And Aesthetic Attraction doesn't lead to the desire to do anything other than appreciate someone's aesthetic beauty (you can't take your eyes off them).

 

A Demisexual experiences Sexual Attraction only after forming a bond with someone.

And a Demiromantic experiences Romantic Attraction only after forming a bond with someone.

 

From what I understand, a Fictosexual only experiences Sexual Attraction towards fictional characters.

And a Fictoromantic only experiences Romantic Attraction towards fictional characters.

 

An Asexual doesn't experience Sexual Attraction, but could experience the other types of attraction, and also physical arousal.

An Aromantic doesn't experience Romantic Attraction, but could experience the other types of attraction.

 

If you experience the other types of attraction, then what you desire could be a QPR (Queerplatonic Relationship): http://wiki.asexuality.org/Queerplatonic

I see, thank you for the input and for moving my post to the appropriate thread! Thanks to SithGirl for her input as well! I think you may be right about me feeling what is called Sensual Attraction. I don't desire sex with the person (not usually, though I suppose it's not entirely out of the question) just close physical contact. I suppose I also experience Aesthetic Attraction since I sometimes just find a person pleasing to look at. I don't think I could be called aromantic because I do want to be in a romantic relationship with someone, someday. And although I am often attracted to fictional characters, I am sometimes attracted to real people so I don't believe I am fictosexual or fictoromantic either. I want to be in a relationship with a real person someday, to have somebody who can reciprocate my feelings since, well, fictional characters cannot. So I suppose for now I will label myself as heteroromantic, since I am only romantically attracted to men. If I sometimes find women pretty to look at and like looking at them as well, would that be considered an example of aesthetic attraction? And if so does that make me homo/bi? Thanks again for the input and apologies if I am asking a lot of questions!

[NickyTannock]

3 hours ago, LadyLupus said:

If I sometimes find women pretty to look at and like looking at them as well, would that be considered an example of aesthetic attraction? And if so does that make me homo/bi? Thanks again for the input and apologies if I am asking a lot of questions!

If you end up wanting to look at them, then yes, that would be Aesthetic Attraction. If you find women aesthetically attractive, that would make you Homoaesthetic or Biaesthetic, depending on whether you also find men aesthetically attractive.
But most people don't place that much importance on their Aesthetic orientation.
And no need to apologise for asking questions, I'm happy to answer them.