Akita- Posted October 10, 2019 Share Posted October 10, 2019 I am aromantic, and realized this about a year ago. I have lived happily with this fact and not questioned it until now. I have a very good friend, and I can safely say that I love them so so so much. This is where my problem lies. I love them. I know this. This is the first time I’ve ever loved someone, and I can safely say they are more than a friend to me, but because I’m unable to build a proper concept of romance in my mind, I can’t tell if it’s queerplatonic or romantic love. I’m especially worried because they are questioning whether or not they are aromantic, and so if my feelings do turn out to be romantic, they might not be able to reciprocate, and I’m also just generally worried they won’t reciprocate my feelings of any sorts. Any advice? Link to post Share on other sites
Galactic Turtle Posted October 10, 2019 Share Posted October 10, 2019 Do you want to be their partner? Link to post Share on other sites
Barbio Posted October 10, 2019 Share Posted October 10, 2019 I've tried researching the difference between romantic and queerplatonic love, and I also have trouble understanding the difference between the two, haha. When I started having similar feelings for one of my friends, I just asked myself this question: Would I feel comfortable kissing this person on the lips, making out with them, and/or sticking my tongue in their mouth? For me, the answer is "no" to all of those things, so I decided that it's most likely platonic attraction that I'm feeling. (Although I have heard that romantic attraction can sometimes be free of those desires as well, so it's not a foolproof way to confirm your aromanticism.) I guess that, ultimately, it's up to you to decide what your desires are and how you want to label them (if you think they need a label). By the way: Welcome to AVEN! 🎂 Link to post Share on other sites
A. Sterling Posted October 10, 2019 Share Posted October 10, 2019 For me if you include kissing in your definition of romantic I'm aro looking for a QPR (I want to get married) but if you believe relationships can be romantic and exclude kissing and hand holding I'd be demi-pan-romantic. Link to post Share on other sites
DarkStormyKnight Posted October 11, 2019 Share Posted October 11, 2019 My understanding is that the difference can be entirely subjective and up to the people in the relationship. Want to kiss and call it a QPR? Go nuts. Want a romantic relationship and never hold hands? All yours. Really any relationship can be a QPR or romantic, it just depends on what you want to call it. Personally I'm at this strange point where romance freaks me out for reasons I haven't sorted out yet (ugh) so I'm leaning towards a QPR but from the outside this relationship would probably look romantic since I want to hold hands/kiss. Still would be valid as a QPR. Link to post Share on other sites
BeakLove Posted October 12, 2019 Share Posted October 12, 2019 On 10/10/2019 at 1:19 AM, Akita- said: This is the first time I’ve ever loved someone, and I can safely say they are more than a friend to me, but because I’m unable to build a proper concept of romance in my mind, I can’t tell if it’s queerplatonic or romantic love. Surely feeling like someone is "more than a friend" is pretty much the classic indicator of romantic interest. Link to post Share on other sites
Iam9man Posted October 12, 2019 Share Posted October 12, 2019 42 minutes ago, BeakLove said: Surely feeling like someone is "more than a friend" is pretty much the classic indicator of romantic interest. I guess it could be queerplatonic or alterous too? Link to post Share on other sites
Snao Cone Posted October 12, 2019 Share Posted October 12, 2019 9 hours ago, BeakLove said: Surely feeling like someone is "more than a friend" is pretty much the classic indicator of romantic interest. In many cases, yes. But I've found over the years that people have widely varying ideas of what constitutes a "friend". Some people will call nearly everyone they know a friend, if they believe that familiarity and positive interaction is enough. This could be based on their ability to maintain interest in casual relationships (in that they will remember things about people they don't know too well, and will be able to pick up on conversation with them easily) or it could be based on some philosophical thing like how people should treat and perceive each other. On the other side, some people are very reluctant to call others "friends" because the word has more significant meaning to them. For them, a friend may be expected to unquestioningly grant them favours, or to spend time with them multiple times every week. Someone may only qualify as a friend if they'd trust them with their house keys, or feel comfortable undressing around them. Everyone else could merely be acquaintances. If someone in the former category (who views the word "friend" more broadly) develops a friendship that would qualify under the latter category, that could feel like "more than a friend" without being romantic. I'm sure there's a million examples out there of times when a person has (unsuccessfully) tried to jam that kind of friendship into a romantic-shaped box based on the assumption that more-than-a-friend equals romantic interest. Link to post Share on other sites
Akita- Posted October 18, 2019 Author Share Posted October 18, 2019 On 10/9/2019 at 10:18 PM, Galactic Turtle said: Do you want to be their partner? I guess so? In a way. I just want to be close to them more than anything. Like, hold hands occasionally and just chill together and do things together. Link to post Share on other sites
Artistic__Miles Posted October 20, 2019 Share Posted October 20, 2019 On 10/18/2019 at 6:57 PM, Akita- said: I guess so? In a way. I just want to be close to them more than anything. Like, hold hands occasionally and just chill together and do things together. That's how I am with my best friends. I love to be around them and to show affection. It's an attatchment and trust thing for me, not a romantic thing and it might be the same for you Link to post Share on other sites
aims423 Posted October 24, 2019 Share Posted October 24, 2019 I have a friend with whom I was in a sort of similar situation. In my case, she's my best friend, which differentiates the love I feel for her from that of other friends or close friends. Our physical affection is also different than I share with other friends, but it's all platonic. For me, the biggest indicator of whether it was romantic or platonic is that neither of us wants or needs more from the relationship than we currently get as friends. I think ultimately it comes down to figuring out what each of you wants from the relationship and approaching it that way. Link to post Share on other sites
BeakLove Posted October 27, 2019 Share Posted October 27, 2019 On 10/12/2019 at 4:19 PM, Snao van der Cone said: In many cases, yes. But I've found over the years that people have widely varying ideas of what constitutes a "friend". Some people will call nearly everyone they know a friend, if they believe that familiarity and positive interaction is enough. This could be based on their ability to maintain interest in casual relationships (in that they will remember things about people they don't know too well, and will be able to pick up on conversation with them easily) or it could be based on some philosophical thing like how people should treat and perceive each other. On the other side, some people are very reluctant to call others "friends" because the word has more significant meaning to them. For them, a friend may be expected to unquestioningly grant them favours, or to spend time with them multiple times every week. Someone may only qualify as a friend if they'd trust them with their house keys, or feel comfortable undressing around them. Everyone else could merely be acquaintances. Thoughtful response and I don't really disagree with any of it. The latter conception of friendship is closer to how I personally view it as well, but that still comes under the purview of "friend". A friend ought be a meaningful relationship, and handing out that designation cheaply inevitably reduces its currency. One might argue the same fate has befallen "love" which is semantically bleached to the point it can represent almost any degree of emotional attachment. But given, as you say, that there is a wide space between just about knowing someone (an acquaintance) and wishing to spend your life with them (a partner) that "friend" is valiantly trying to cover, perhaps this is just how things have to be. Naturally, "acquaintance" is seen as a lower status. No one wishes to be merely an acquaintance to someone whom they like, much like no one wants to merely be a friend to someone with whom they have become enamoured. In this context, I can see why the idea of "queerplatonic" as super best friend is appealing. If you genuinely value a particularly strong friendship and want that known, affirmed, and publicly recognised it's a way of trying to showcase that. Unfortunately, it has the effect of further "cheapening" friend by reducing its scope. Quote If someone in the former category (who views the word "friend" more broadly) develops a friendship that would qualify under the latter category, that could feel like "more than a friend" without being romantic. I'm sure there's a million examples out there of times when a person has (unsuccessfully) tried to jam that kind of friendship into a romantic-shaped box based on the assumption that more-than-a-friend equals romantic interest. I certainly concur that in situations where a relationship feels like it's over-spilling the "friendship box" there can be an incentive to try a romantic relationship. I suppose all I could say in those cases, is one has to earnestly assess whether there are romantic/sexual feelings and if it's a long-term friendship, whether there is a desire there for the kind of committed, shared existence that really is what separates a partner from a pal. If there are no sexual feelings, there isn't a feeling of being "in love" or enamoured, or there isn't a desire to converge lives those are good indicators that friendship is the appropriate domain. It's not foolproof, of course. Not every relationship is necessarily touch feely and not all partners wish to live together, but as a general checklist it works. "More than" friends needs an array of compatible attributes that genuinely and substantially make the relationship "more than" to justify the upgrade. I accept there are situations which are genuinely borderline. I still don't think QPR is a good description though, personally. You ultimately have to decide whether you are partners as well as friends. Link to post Share on other sites
AceCase47 Posted October 29, 2019 Share Posted October 29, 2019 On 10/11/2019 at 11:49 AM, DarkStormyKnight said: My understanding is that the difference can be entirely subjective and up to the people in the relationship. Want to kiss and call it a QPR? Go nuts. Want a romantic relationship and never hold hands? All yours. Really any relationship can be a QPR or romantic, it just depends on what you want to call it. Personally I'm at this strange point where romance freaks me out for reasons I haven't sorted out yet (ugh) so I'm leaning towards a QPR but from the outside this relationship would probably look romantic since I want to hold hands/kiss. Still would be valid as a QPR. I relate!! I still want hand holding and forehead kisses, and maybe pecks on the lips (not interested in making out...) romance freaks me out in actuality. In theory I want to have a romantic partner, but now I am just questioning all over again. It’s stressful.... I do like how it’s not clear cut and you can decide for yourself, but I also wish there was a clear definition for me. I want a label, because it makes me feel safer knowing... and maybe a little less strange. I know I’m not broken or anything, but I’ll be honest I do feel it sometimes. Link to post Share on other sites
DarkStormyKnight Posted October 29, 2019 Share Posted October 29, 2019 10 hours ago, AceCase47 said: I relate!! I still want hand holding and forehead kisses, and maybe pecks on the lips (not interested in making out...) romance freaks me out in actuality. In theory I want to have a romantic partner, but now I am just questioning all over again. It’s stressful.... I do like how it’s not clear cut and you can decide for yourself, but I also wish there was a clear definition for me. I want a label, because it makes me feel safer knowing... and maybe a little less strange. I know I’m not broken or anything, but I’ll be honest I do feel it sometimes. Totally get that, it'd be so much easier if it was like "this is what x is so this is what y is so I do this thing." I'm pretty frustrated with it too sometimes. But that's just how it is *sigh*. Link to post Share on other sites
AceCase47 Posted October 29, 2019 Share Posted October 29, 2019 8 hours ago, DarkStormyKnight said: Totally get that, it'd be so much easier if it was like "this is what x is so this is what y is so I do this thing." I'm pretty frustrated with it too sometimes. But that's just how it is *sigh*. How do you deal with that? Like, how do just let it go that there isn’t an x and y answer? I’m struggling. Link to post Share on other sites
DarkStormyKnight Posted October 29, 2019 Share Posted October 29, 2019 1 hour ago, AceCase47 said: How do you deal with that? Like, how do just let it go that there isn’t an x and y answer? I’m struggling. Yeah I don't really have a super great answer that's just going to make that go away, but getting comfortable with discomfort is very important. Just being about to say "hey i don't like this" and sitting with it instead of pushing it away can help a lot. Or probing by asking "what aspect of this is making me the most uncomfortable?" can also help (not much in my case but maybe it will someday). Another good tactic is thinking about the great things that come with that uncertainty, like our relationships can be whatever we want, we have a lot of really great freedom. Sure it can be scary, but in plenty of ways it's soooo much better than having it dictated to us. So having this uncertainty isn't that big of a problem when we get so many benefits from it. Coming at it from that angle won't make it go away, but might make it more bearable. Link to post Share on other sites
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