What Aces need to contribute to the LGBTQIA alliance

[songchick]

I can't figure what title to put here exactly, but hear me out.

 

The LGBTQ+ community has fought tirelessly to have society affirm non-heterosexual and non-cis-gender folks, and as a result the discourse in society has changed.  People are now adding the A for asexuality, yet I feel that Aces are still silenced.  People just understand that "we don't like sex," but there is so much more to the Ace experience that people don't know about.  Also, much of what we believe directly counters and challenges the LGBTQ+ community's beliefs on sexual attraction, and our beliefs are not being acknowledged.  Most probably don't know about our perceptions on sexual vs. romantic vs. aesthetic vs. etc. types of attraction.  They don't know that many of us believe the very opposite of what is the crux of their beliefs: sexual expression and attraction is not desirable or liberating.  They don't acknowledge that sexual and romantic attractions can different from one another.  They don't acknowledge that there are different types of attraction.

 

If we are to be included in the LGBTQIA acronym and community, then our experiences and opinions of sexuality must be added to the discourse.  We're not just token people who wave our purple flag at parades, or wear pins at the local radical bookstore.  We don't just make others feel warm and fuzzy inside for standing next to them, thereby representing the Ace community.

What do you think?  

[Solovei]

I don't need to contribute anything to anything. Especially when I've been made to feel less than human, defective and broken. From people from all over that spectrum.

[songchick]

3 minutes ago, Solovei said:

I don't need to contribute anything to anything. Especially when I've been made to feel less than human, defective and broken. From people from all over that spectrum.

That's exactly how I feel.  Even if not wanting to be in the acronym, people need to know our discourse.

 

[GlamRocker]

14 minutes ago, songchick said:

People just understand that "we don't like sex,"

That's pretty much the only one that NEEDS to be understood, and we can't even get that done because many people INSIST on obfuscating even THIS simple and obvious point. Except "We don't want to HAVE sex," is much more accurate. "Don't like" makes it sound like we're antisexuals.

[songchick]

2 minutes ago, GlamRocker said:

That's pretty much the only one that NEEDS to be understood, and we can't even get that done because many people INSIST on obfuscating even THIS simple and obvious point. Except "We don't want to HAVE sex," is much more accurate. "Don't like" makes it sound like we're antisexuals.

Thanks for making the distinction.  "Have" vs. "want."  The former is what I feel.  It's really frustrating that people cannot understand our perspective.  It's like, completely opposite of what they fight for.

[Snao Cone]

I think the message of "people are different, don't box them in" is important for the whole acronym, and it carries extra importance for the asexual population because of the higher rate of split orientations. Homosexuality used to be associated with promiscuity, but LGBT advocacy fought that and asserted the equal validity of same sex romantic love. Asexuality might be associated with lonerism or something like that, but we need fight that by asserting that not wanting sex doesn't negate romantic feelings. 

 

That's just one example. There's a lot more that's relevant to combating misinformation about gender and sexual diversity for all minority orientations. 

[songchick]

1 minute ago, Snao van der Cone said:

it carries extra importance for the asexual population because of the higher rate of split orientations

YES, split orientations!!

[AceMissBehaving]

I think it's important to remember that there is a lot of extra history and baggage that goes with sexual expression in the LGBTQ+ community that is absent from heterosexual culture, and that it's something aces should take time to get educated on and stay mindful when speaking in these spaces, especially those of us who are relatively straight presenting.

 

That said I think the aspects of the ace experience are perhaps valuable to sexual culture as a whole. I know in personal conversations with some friends discussing different forms of attraction, and elevating platonic expressions and has been something that made them see things differently in their own lives and relationships in a good way.

 

I don't know that I agree with the idea that "sexual expression" is inherently not liberating for ace people. Expressing a desire to not have sex is still sexual expression. It's a somewhat contradictory sounding way of exploring sexuality, but I imagine no less liberating to some. It's not saying that folks should be ashamed to want and enjoy sex, but saying they shouldn't be ashamed to not WANT it either. 

 

I was invited to perform in a very LGBTQ+ inclusive "erotic showcase" at the beginning of next month. In the performer info section was the question "Talk about what interests you about sensual performance". That left me at a crossroads of "just fake being sexual" and "find an honest way to talk about my sensual performance". I chose the latter, but having to think and write about what I as an asexual bring to this art form and this space required some interesting introspection. In the end I wrote a very condensed snippet of aesthetic philosophy and sensual pleasure derived purely from a visual perspective, and art objects. It's an honest explanation of my performative sexuality and experience of the world, and something that I hope adds something useful to the discourse. 

[Galactic Turtle]

49 minutes ago, songchick said:

The LGBTQ+ community has fought tirelessly to have society affirm non-heterosexual and non-cis-gender folks, and as a result the discourse in society has changed.  People are now adding the A for asexuality, yet I feel that Aces are still silenced.

I don't feel silenced. Then again, I'm not making much noise to begin with.

 

50 minutes ago, songchick said:

People just understand that "we don't like sex," but there is so much more to the Ace experience that people don't know about. 

That's pretty much the gist of it though, and coincidentally the hardest pill to swallow for many people.

 

51 minutes ago, songchick said:

Also, much of what we believe directly counters and challenges the LGBTQ+ community's beliefs on sexual attraction, and our beliefs are not being acknowledged.

If anything I'd change this from "what we believe" to "what we experience." Sure I'd say the asexual experience isn't widely acknowledged because not many people know about it but I'm also not that concerned with people not knowing about it.

 

53 minutes ago, songchick said:

Most probably don't know about our perceptions on sexual vs. romantic vs. aesthetic vs. etc. types of attraction.  They don't know that many of us believe the very opposite of what is the crux of their beliefs: sexual expression and attraction is not desirable or liberating.  They don't acknowledge that sexual and romantic attractions can different from one another.  They don't acknowledge that there are different types of attraction.

After stumbling upon some big rift in the lesbian reddit community earlier this week, I honestly think that every community has its own warehouse of worms and that the typical person outside of those communities only has a vague sense of what's going on within that warehouse of worms at best. @__@ 

 

55 minutes ago, songchick said:

If we are to be included in the LGBTQIA acronym and community, then our experiences and opinions of sexuality must be added to the discourse. 

I think it is part of the discourse. Asexuality seems to be popping up in many places these days whether that be at an explicitly LGBT function or articles on LGBT-focused websites.

 

56 minutes ago, songchick said:

We're not just token people who wave our purple flag at parades, or wear pins at the local radical bookstore.  We don't just make others feel warm and fuzzy inside for standing next to them, thereby representing the Ace community.

I don't personally involve myself in any of that. XD

 

All that being said, I think I'm less concerned with asexuality specifically being known across the world. What I do hope changes/expands is how people think about sex and romantic relationships (a discussion that could definitely include asexuality). As you mentioned and as I also mentioned earlier in this post, not being into sex is a concept that absolutely blows the minds of many people. Amatonormativity is so prevalent that my own family is convinced I'm throwing my life away and will live in misery because I have no plans to date or marry. I'd love for there to be more discussion about diversity in lifestyle choice/structure and preferences however I don't particularly associate that discussion with the LGBT community. In fact, I view the LGBT community as something completely separate from myself even if I understand what I happen to identify is would be included in LGBT conversations. Similarly, I'm black. Some people might refer to me as a "person of color" but I'd never describe myself that way. 

[Sinking_In]

Asexuality spans both hetero and homosexual relationships, and trying to explain asexuality to a sexual person is not going to be easy. You're coming from a place THEY don't have first hand knowledge of. Saying, for example, you "have absolutely no desire for sex, ever" is a good way to put it, but for someone who desires sex, that's a foreign concept. It will take patience and time. Look at how many decades it's taken for gay rights to have come this far, and the battle is far from over, yet. As someone who is ACE, you are struggling for recognition and understanding from all of society, both gay and straight. I for one want AVEN/ asexuality to be widely known and accepted. I'm sure there will be one story that opens the floodgates, but until then, just share one story at a time. It would be nice to avoid relationship conundrums and heartache whenever possible, for everyone involved, asexual and allosexual, alike.

[everywhere and nowhere]

I've found that in some issues - particularly legal validity/recognition of relationships - pro-gay and pro-asexual arguments can largely support each other. However, remember that I'm writing from an increasingly authoritarian country which has no same-sex marriage, not even registered partnerships, basically no possibility at all for a same-sex couple to get their relationship formally recognised.

For asexuals the problems are different, but still when asked about in which areas are asexuals discriminated, some authors have pointed out to marriage law as well -that because of the lack of sexual contact, an ace-ace marriage is potentially invalid. It's unlikely to become a real problem, but it's still there because of outdated views on marriage as "lawful outlet for sexual urges" and general sex normativity, which leads to sexual connections being perceived as obligatory in marriage.

Here in Poland, because of the influence of Catholic church and its reproductive obsession, reproduction is used as an argument against same-sex marriage, against the validity of same-sex relationships, even against same-sex relationships being real love. (You can probably imagine how it hurts me as a person who simply believes that same-sex love is not a sin, that same-sex love is good and beautiful too. 😢) Obviously, a different-sex asexual marriage is (usually) not biologically infertile. But still, argumenting why sexless love is valid and should be recognised as love and not understated by effectively humiliating phrases such as "just friendship" can draw more attention to other aspects of marriage. For example, marriage is also about mutual care and in this respect there is no difference whatsoever between a different-sex and same-sex marriage, between a marriage which has sex and one which doesn't, between a marriage with children and without children. Homophobes and asexophobes need to be reminded of these other aspects of marriage and their fixation on biological reproduction should be pointed out directly.

[Lipbalm]

I don't feel part of that community either, so nothing from me.

[Guest]

Honestly, fuck them at this point. The community is toxic and embarrassing. I most certainly do not want to be part of something that people relate to child drag queens. 

[songchick]

Writing an article about this.

[Firefly8]

I don't feel silenced so much as not heard because we're a very small minority within a minority. We're drowned out by, frankly, more pressing needs than ours that affect more people than us. This isn't to say we should be ignored or excluded, I'm just putting things in perspective. I think if we were able to be more visible allies to our trans and gay friends that we would have more respect in the community, but again, this is hard to show because of how very small we are. I've actually found most people (in the very small sample size that I've encountered), especially bi, pan, & gender-minorities, know what asexuality is and are very accepting/positive. The few negative folk I've run across were either idiots/trolls online, Christians, or older gay people (not bi/pan). I think you're right in that there is more education that should be done for those that are willing to listen. While it's not as quick as we'd like, people's knowledge and acceptance has been growing relatively quickly over the years.  

[GlamRocker]

@songchick You know, I think you're right. That the concepts illustrated by the asexual experience will be valuable to sexual people and society at large if they were common knowledge. Concepts such as split attraction, non-sexual aesthetic attraction, queer platonic/squishes, libido/arousal without sexual desire. I'm pretty sure sexual people experience all of these things, too. The only difference between them and asexuals is that they sometimes experience sexual desire, a thing IN EDITION to all of these things, not some other VERSION of these things.