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Very new. Very relieved and extremely embarrassed


Mysearchbroughtme_here

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Mysearchbroughtme_here

Hi everyone, I finally got the words for what I am on the 12th of last month. I heard of Aven on a Mental Health forum I joined in April. I did some reading and was absolutely amazed but so embarrassed.

I am a 53 year old Man. Without knowing anything about Asexuality or the slightest thing about it I have been trying to find ways to prove to myself that I wasn't since I survived puberty! It's only in the last month that I have heard words like Sex repulsed and touch aversion.

I have lived with two sexual Women. I have no children. The relationships were traumatic. Both myself and my partners have been deeply hurt. I have yearned from the bottom of my heart to just be able to not need to drink alcohol to be with Women I have loved. Although the last of these relationships ended 14 years ago I still dreamed of meeting someone who could trigger the desire for sexual expression in me. I have hated myself for not being able to find the way to say to someone I loved "you are beautiful, I love you but..."

In the last Month I have found a place where people actually write about and accept that they are averse to something as seemingly simple as a hug. A place where it's normal to look at someone you consider beautiful and radiant and not feel the need or desire for sex. I am afraid that the terms are so new to me that I'm stuck for what to write. I have CPTSD. I had given up on ever being accepted and understood. Reading the posts on the AVEN website has been a revelation to me. It's the closest I have ever come to feeling relaxed in my life. I am also so embarrassed that I didn't realise before that I am Asexual and probably sex repulsed even though I tried everything to not be. I know that this is probably incoherent gibberish but I wanted to say something. I hope I can loosen up a bit now. When I first found out about Aven and Asexual dating sites I was so crazy. I first joined a dating site because that was actually the first thing the search engine came up with. I was amazed by how quickly I met a really kind lady who got me away from it to a private Skype chat and steered me towards this. I just wanted to say thank you. I have so many emotions at the moment but I have something that has been missing from my life for decades and that is hope. 

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AceMissBehaving

Hi @Astraios ! Welcome to the forums!!!! Finally realizing you’re not alone, and that there’s nothing that needs “fixing” is such a huge moment, I’m so happy for you!

 

Growing up asexual and not knowing it’s “a thing” is hard. I’m so thankful that as visibility increases, hopefully with each generation, less and less ace folks have to go through it.

 

I’m so glad you have hope again, and that things are looking up. 

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Don't be embarrassed! Most people have no idea what I'm talking about when I tell them I'm asexual. We're taught that we're supposed to want and have sex from an early age. I'm so glad that you finally found out that you were asexual and that there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. I wish I could give you a hug because of what you went through. I hope now you can find some happiness. Welcome to AVEN!!! 

 

Image result for cake

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OMG, Crusty, that cake looks amazing!

 

Astraios, so glad you found us!  It's such a great feeling when someone GETS you, when you don't need to explain.  And no need for embarrassment!  Asexuality wasn't even talked about until the 2000s, and only changed to not be a mental health disorder in 2013.  You're not the only one who didn't know how to describe what you experienced.

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Mysearchbroughtme_here

Thanks. That is a Cake! I have felt like an outsider my entire life. For goodness sake when I was a Child we had a Cat called Pickles. I remember when I was about 5 being really upset when he vanished and I was given a talk about how he had gone to Cat heaven etc. Gradually the memory faded until when I was about 45 out of the blue I thought about that long dead Cat- and thought OMG! He was an un neutered Tom that's why my Father named him Pickles. I just don't get jokes like that. The fact that I found it disturbing that my Parents think like that I keep to myself. Thanks again for replying. Having read posts about things like that here I feel safe to share it but for years I have felt like I should have come with explanatory leaflets and as others have said I had never in my wildest dreams imagined how important sex is to some.

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Welcome! I understand. It still baffles me to this day how much of people’s lives revolve around sex. Don’t even get me started on what on Earth “sexy” advertisements are, because I can’t understand them in the slightest. 

 

I recently moved into shared housing, and my goodness was it an experience. Everyone went out drinking every night, and came back around 3am hollering about the night’s conquests, I hadn’t even though about whether or not my neighbours would get up to anything other than drinking when going out. 

 

rich-peanut-butter-and-chocolate-cake-85

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On 10/9/2019 at 11:48 AM, Astraios said:

I should have come with explanatory leaflets

LOL!  Oh, that's so me.  I may use that.

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A belated welcome to AVEN!

 

I'm glad that finding AVEN and finding out about Asexuality has helped you!

 

Incidentally, it is a tradition here to welcome new members by offering cake, and here's my favourite cake,

http://chocolateartcake.blogspot.com/

ZWughhv.jpg

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Good to hear that you have came to terms with being ace. Thank you for sharing your story😊!! Hope everything works out for you and your lady friend. 

images?q=tbn:ANd9GcR2K3ndz4LU20RJtWBuhmy

 

Welcome to Aven, here's some cake for you~Enjoy😁

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Mysearchbroughtme_here

@Asexual_Fujoshi, that' so kind of you. I've had a warm welcome from everyone. The Cake is incredible. My Lady friend as you so elegantly put it and myself have decided to go our separate ways. More her choice than mine but never mind. I'm learning all the time. This may sound crazy but is there any sort of mentorship (for want of a better word) on this forums? I feel completely out of my depth and so new to all of this. I know there is no hurry but I feel I need some advice. I have been trying to blend in in a sexual world for so long I am struggling to make sense of terminology, pronoun choice as well as rejoicing in finally feeling as though I am amongst people who can understand me. This is a sort of open question to anyone who cares to read this. Thank you everyone. 

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Fraggle Underdark

Welcome!! I'm glad you found out about asexuality and AVEN and things are looking up!! Personally I don't think I'd be a good mentor, both being new to asexuality myself and being demisexual (a kind of gray-A where sexual attraction can happen but only when there is emotional connection) which sounds different than your place on the spectrum. 

 

I wanted to say that the "should have come with leaflets" phrase is a nice phrase that I really resonated with :) My experience hasn't been as rough as yours it sounds like but before I realized that "gray-A" and "demisexual" described me I would also try really hard to explain this to people, thinking it was just quirk of me in particular, trying and only partially succeeding at letting someone know I think they look nice but I don't want to have sex. People usually seemed to conclude that I was gay and didn't realize it.

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I'm sorry for the late reply. I'm not aware of any mentorship program, but you can ask questions on the forum.

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Mysearchbroughtme_here

Thanks @fragglerock for your reply. I don’t actually know for sure I am sex repulsed as repulsed is a very strong word. I do Know that I get incredibly uncomfortable with intimacy. I have had panic attacks from people hugging me unexpectedly. I could quite happily live without sex but I do still hope for an emotional bond. I have a female friend who has persevered with me regarding the hugging thing and the most I have managed is three deep breaths duration hug! I usually start shaking and perspiring. I have known her 15 years! I get the gay assumptions too. I’m not open about my Asexuality because it is such a new definition to me. Although it does fit like a glove so to speak. Odd thing is on a mental level I can become privately romantic. The word ‘squish’ although new is something that completely applies also. Reconciling the two is hell. I’m new to social media and electronic communication generally. In the past I have thought that my only hope was that if I met someone who was willing to start a relationship by shouting at each other from the opposite ends of a large field. And maybe if we both felt comfortable every week or so take a few steps closer to each other! Thanks for your reply. 

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Fraggle Underdark

Interesting! I'm still new here but from poking around it seems like there's a huge spectrum, and for every gradient of every way to be asexual, there are people here who are that way. Different levels of romanticism, different ways of being romantic, different levels of touch aversion, different ways of considering touch aversion, etc. Even if you don't fit any label completely (e.g. sex-repulsed), or feel differently about it than others seem to, I'm sure you'll meet lots of folks here who can relate and lots of folks who have similar feelings.

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