How and Where

[Whomadewho]

How did the sexuals here, meer their asexual partners.

I was in my 20's on a booze cruise in Oz  on a working Holiday visa when I meet mine. I think was drunk or under the influence nearly every night we were doing the deed so, I didnt think anything was wrong.  

[uhtred]

Didn't know asexuality existed, thought it was normal to want to wait for marriage. 

[Sinking_In]

I met my SO online, a few emails, then we met for a date, and within a few dates we were intimate. She could have fooled me that she was asexual, not that it was necessarily intentional, but she did. As far as I could tell, she was "shy", wanted me to initiate, and she seemed to enjoy it, so once in the act, no one would ever know. It was subtle with my gray-ace demiromantic who didn't know how to communicate that. It seems that once sex had "served its purpose", the dead bedroom happened and I, the sexual partner, was left hurt, angry and confused. Now that I found AVEN, I'm not so hurt, no longer angry, slightly confused, and a little disappointed and depressed. I'm still working on it.

[Whomadewho]

5 hours ago, Sinking_In said:

I met my SO online, a few emails, then we met for a date, and within a few dates we were intimate. She could have fooled me that she was asexual, not that it was necessarily intentional, but she did. As far as I could tell, she was "shy", wanted me to initiate, and she seemed to enjoy it, so once in the act, no one would ever know. It was subtle with my gray-ace demiromantic who didn't know how to communicate that. It seems that once sex had "served its purpose", the dead bedroom happened and I, the sexual partner, was left hurt, angry and confused. Now that I found AVEN, I'm not so hurt, no longer angry, slightly confused, and a little disappointed and depressed. I'm still working on it.

Same happened here, I just though my girlfriend was a shy girl, who didnt have much experience. She said I am her first real relationship. I didn't hear an excuse for a couple of years until she knew that I was emotionally invested. 

Then financial crisis happened in 2009, I lost my job and then the dead beroom happened. 

7 years later I found Aven and everthing made sense.

 

 

 

 

[SithLord]

I'll tag my bf so he can add more details if he wants. I met @brbdogsonfire in college at club events. We were both majoring in Psychology at the time and joined the Psych club. Both decided to leave after that year and also both switched majors, but something good came of it if we've been together this long. 

[anisotrophic]

Fell in love via online chatting 15+ years ago (not a dating site, just an online community). I always took the lead because he's just so handsome! I chalked the hesitation up to English reserve. I wish it weren't this way (wishing I could experience being desired, not just desiring another), but there's love and support - and he says sex is ok sometimes. I love him the way he is, for who he is.

[Whomadewho]

14 hours ago, Sinking_In said:

I met my SO online, a few emails, then we met for a date, and within a few dates we were intimate. She could have fooled me that she was asexual, not that it was necessarily intentional, but she did. As far as I could tell, she was "shy", wanted me to initiate, and she seemed to enjoy it, so once in the act, no one would ever know. It was subtle with my gray-ace demiromantic who didn't know how to communicate that. It seems that once sex had "served its purpose", the dead bedroom happened and I, the sexual partner, was left hurt, angry and confused. Now that I found AVEN, I'm not so hurt, no longer angry, slightly confused, and a little disappointed and depressed. I'm still working on it.

@Sinking_In How many years has it taken you to figure it out? Has your partner acknowledged being asexual. Have you compromised on the amount.

My partner has not acknowledged, but I am back having regular sex for the last couple of years. Still trying to figure out what to do after being so many years together

[Lara Black]

We met at work.

Back then I knew about asexuals but honestly didn’t think much of them – shared the mass delusion that they must all be traumatized and/or somehow damaged. So I had to seriously rethink the matter when my then-future partner came out to me as an ace. By that time I was seriously in love with him, so his confession didn’t bother me much.

[Sinking_In]

@Whomadewho It took me about 12 years to figure it out, though our bedroom didn't really start dying until about 5-6 years ago, maybe? I would have called it dead and buried for the past 2-3 years, up until a few months ago. I didn't notice it happen right away, as there were plenty of excuses as to why sex wasn't happening, and though I've always known my libido was high, I've purposefully, consciously toned it down our entire relationship. It wasn't until (3 years ago?) when she decided there would only be 2 specific days a week where sex would be possible that I started to really take notice. Mainly because she would suddenly, PURPOSEFULLY get too busy on those pre-scheduled days. That is when I started to notice weeks turning into months between conjugal visits (no, I wasn't in prison, just being dramatic). I once tried to let her decide when we'd have sex, because she said that if maybe I stopped asking for it, she'd be more willing to initiate it. Yeah, over 8 uneventful months passed before I decided initiating sex couldn't be left up to her, because it's just not in her to do it. At all. Ever.

 

She had never heard of asexuality, and I believe she honestly thought MOST people are like her: that being in love determines a willingness for sex (note I did not say "desire for sex"), and that sex is of the lowest importance in a relationship. I certainly don't believe it is the most important, but I definitely put it WAY above doing chores. It was our last anniversary when I basically gave her an ultimatum (at the end of the aforementioned 8 month drought). I was reaching the end of my rope, and at first, she threw it back at me. A few months passed, and she got together with her married girlfriends. After that night, she started putting a little effort into making time for sex. I have a feeling she told her friends about my ultimatum, told them how little we have sex, and they probably informed her that what I wanted was far from unusual, and that the rest of them were probably having sex with their husbands at least 1-2 times a week. That's a frequency I'd be totally content with, actually.

 

We're trying to get back to "regular sex" now, but it's still just once every few weeks , and now the scheduled sex day is down to one. The fear of it completely stopping still looms over me, and every week that happens to go by without sex becomes a source of anxiety for me. When the scheduled day passes without sex, I have a whole week of depression that follows. Not to mention, I get a very short fuse those weeks, which only gets shorter when more weeks are added. The stress I've experienced from our sex life isn't healthy for me at all, both mentally and physically. She's very sex indifferent, so her stress from it is different, but it can't be healthy, either. I'm trying to focus on other things, but it's a real fear to have to go through cycles of this kind of trauma, for lack of a better word. I tend to be very practical in my thinking, so yes, I've thought about divorce, affairs, etc, but ultimately I want to make this work. Be aware that it's going to be A LOT of work. I have to connect with her on many different levels in order for a sexual connection to occur (which has its own rewards), but it's like climbing a ladder, if one rung fails, it starts all over at the bottom. I'm putting in the work, and I commend everyone who is, but I certainly don't fault anyone for wanting out. Best of luck to you and all who are here! The ACEs have their cake, so maybe we should start sharing cookies with the allosexuals? Here's to the sexual partners in mixed relationships, enjoy a cookie: 

 

[Traveler40]

Love it!  I’ll go with cookies...but let’s drop the ALLO.  I’m just plain sexual! 😊. Best of luck in your journey! 💪🏼

[Whomadewho]

@Sinking_In everything you are feeling is they way I feel. We are back have sex  nearly once a week and when it happens, I feel happy for 3 or 4 days and then the anxiety kicks in again. I do be thinking when is it going to happen again, so im just constantly in back in bad form again.

I often went weeks, months and a couple of years once, so Im a bit bitter about that. Sometimes I dont know how I didnt stray as I had loads of opportunities, but didn't, the guilt would kill me. Im still here though.

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Sinking_In]

@Whomadewho One day at a time. Gotta let the past hurt go, but I know that is easier said than done, mainly because the dynamic breeds frustration. 3-4 days is a rather quick turnaround in mood, so I'd advise pushing it to a week to start with. Focus on making it a full week riding the high, while trying to avoid thinking about the next time. Again, i know it's easier said than done. My own "depression due to lack of sex" cycle is 3 weeks, and it has been like that since I was a teen. I can get a pang in a few days, but the frustration doesn't happen for a few weeks. I did warn my wife that anything longer than 3 weeks is going to redline my patience and increasingly, adversely affect anything I do from that point forward, getting worse as more time elapses. I may have to discuss this, again, because I'm afraid she took it as "great, then I have 3 weeks before I should think about our next rendezvous". I have to reiterate to her that 3 weeks is the threshold, and should be avoided at all costs. I should probably emphasize that 1-2 times a week will put me in a very happy place, not that she is responsible for my happiness, but rather I would prefer she not contribute to my unhappiness. It's just sad that it would probably have the opposite effect on my wife, which is what I have to keep in mind.

 

[brbdogsonfire]

On 10/9/2019 at 6:17 PM, SithGirl said:

I'll tag my bf so he can add more details if he wants. I met @brbdogsonfire in college at club events. We were both majoring in Psychology at the time and joined the Psych club. Both decided to leave after that year and also both switched majors, but something good came of it if we've been together this long. 

I am very slow to open up to people, but I felt like I could talk to her about anything very quickly. We both are quite and reserved people and the people in the club thought it was both cute and funny we gravitated to each other. I still find it weird how quickly I was able to be open to her.

 

She told me very early on that she was asexual so it's been a part of our relationship. I had gone through a rather unhealthy relationship before her and I was avoiding relationships until I met her. We have been together for around 6 (I may be wrong about that) years and it's only gotten better over time.

[Whomadewho]

@brbdogsonfire So you being the sexual, how do yis make it work? Have you got a high libido

[Whomadewho]

@Sinking_In

[anisotrophic]

2 hours ago, Whomadewho said:

No unnecessary whining and nagging

Oh lovely. Yes we wouldn't want our women to hold men to account and take responsibility for chores and such. 

 

I think "no nagging" is garbage, misogynist language men use to police a female partner. I'm happier married to a guy who isn't interested in literally screwing me.

[Traveler40]

5 hours ago, Whomadewho said:

No unnecessary whining and nagging and a healthy sex life 

Wow, there are no words.  Just.....yeah, this is beyond help.

 

On second thought, I have advice for your asexual girlfriend should she be active on AVEN: Do not marry him! 

[brbdogsonfire]

5 hours ago, Whomadewho said:

@Sinking_In I know, I have to let go of the anger,  but it is hard, as it take alot to make me angry so It takes a long time to get rid of it. 

I think my girlfriend is now starting to understand how important sex is in a relationship.

I said to her that there are only two things a woman needs to do to keep a man happy. No unnecessary whining and nagging and a healthy sex life (once or occasionally twice) a week which she acually agreed is not to much. Which I am getting at the moment, but the dark days will always be at the back of my mind though

How we make it work is by good communication and by working together to solve any issues. Something I doubt your capable of.

[Whomadewho]

Sorry for any offence

[brbdogsonfire]

6 hours ago, Whomadewho said:

@brbdogsonfire So you being the sexual, how do yis make it work? Have you got a high libido

As to your question I have a relatively low sex drive. I think having a high drive would likely cause at least one person to be unhappy as it's pushing one partner pretty far. Even in sexual relationship a very high drive and low drive together causes a lot of friction.

[Sinking_In]

1 hour ago, brbdogsonfire said:

How we make it work is by good communication and by working together to solve any issues.

^ THIS

Relationships take two to make them work, and when working with others, communication is paramount.

 

@Whomadewho I think I missed the last response, but you also have to let go of that old world way of thinking, along with the anger. I get where it all comes from, I do, but that's not going to help you in this situation.

[Memento1]

If I may, Whomadewho, people are less likely to take offense when you use "I" statements.  Yes, I know that sounds like a bunch of hippy crap, but it really does wonders for relationships.  Instead of "there are only two things a woman needs to do to keep a man happy," the same point could be conveyed by saying "there are two things I want that would make me happy."  When you supplant "a man" and "a woman" for you and her, it's a way of putting the pressure of all humanity on her back instead of appealing to her kindness.  It also implies a woman's job is to keep a man happy, which is an instant and huge mood killer for almost all women.  Even high-libido marriages fall apart when sex becomes a duty one must perform for the other's benefit.

 

I think a marriage and family therapist could help in your situation.  It would improve communication so you can have open and honest discussions about how to both feel heard.

[anisotrophic]

3 hours ago, Memento1 said:

Instead of "there are only two things a woman needs to do to keep a man happy," the same point could be conveyed by saying "there are two things I want that would make me happy." 

The word "nagging" is very gendered in use and thus remains problematic.

 

But also.

 

I think this sort of advice would seem to be training misogynists to make their misogyny harder to detect. 🙃 Is that a good idea?

[Sally]

8 hours ago, anisotrophic said:

I  think this sort of advice would seem to be training misogynists to make their misogyny harder to detect. 🙃 Is that a good idea?

Misogyny, no matter how delicately it is phrased or acted out, is not hard to detect.  

[Memento1]

16 hours ago, anisotrophic said:

I think this sort of advice would seem to be training misogynists to make their misogyny harder to detect. 🙃 Is that a good idea?

I think a kinder approach is more likely to get through than shaming.  In fact that's the very point I'm trying to make to him.

[anisotrophic]

49 minutes ago, Memento1 said:

I think a kinder approach is more likely to get through than shaming.  In fact that's the very point I'm trying to make to him.

You weren't helping someone change their attitude, just encouraging someone to frame it differently so others don't notice it so easily. Making it harder to call out. 🙄

[Memento1]

2 hours ago, anisotrophic said:

You weren't helping someone change their attitude, just encouraging someone to frame it differently so others don't notice it so easily. Making it harder to call out. 🙄

I see this is a topic you're very passionate about.  I think we're after the same goal, we just have different views on how to accomplish it.  I respect your opinion and I hope we can agree to disagree.