songchick Posted October 8, 2019 Share Posted October 8, 2019 I don't like how it is, when you wake up one day feeling a certain way with orientation and attraction from one gender to the other, and the next day it's a bit different, or drastically different. I guess this is what they call "fluidity." But I don' t like it, how it creates inconsistency. I want to feel the same way day after day, so that I can really rely on myself when I figure what I want in a relationship. Thankfully I am not hunting, I have too much going on in my professional life to manage that. Honestly I want to keep my professional life like this forever, too busy to date. Ugh, that word even appalls me. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted October 8, 2019 Share Posted October 8, 2019 7 minutes ago, songchick said: I don't like how it is, when you wake up one day feeling a certain way with orientation and attraction from one gender to the other, and the next day it's a bit different, or drastically different. I guess this is what they call "fluidity." But I don' t like it, how it creates inconsistency. I want to feel the same way day after day, so that I can really rely on myself when I figure what I want in a relationship. Thankfully I am not hunting, I have too much going on in my professional life to manage that. Honestly I want to keep my professional life like this forever, too busy to date. Ugh, that word even appalls me. Welcome to the club. I myself end up reading or just writing to myself. Which makes life easier at least for me. Being social is overrated at least in my point of view. It also drives me nuts( the change) but then again the search for self never ends. Link to post Share on other sites
songchick Posted October 8, 2019 Author Share Posted October 8, 2019 2 minutes ago, Sir_The_Last said: Welcome to the club. I myself end up reading or just writing to myself. Which makes life easier at least for me. Being social is overrated at least in my point of view. It also drives me nuts( the change) but then again the search for self never ends. Yep, yep and yep. I love my job, I have a long-term business plan for a creative business that can replace my desk job, etc. Graduating from grad school in social work in December 2019, working on licensure by March 2020. Writing and music projects. YEA. Link to post Share on other sites
songchick Posted October 8, 2019 Author Share Posted October 8, 2019 9 minutes ago, CBC said: But then I don't really believe that orientation is fluid in the vast majority of situations, so. Ooh. Yeah I guess there are parts of my orientation that I don't like. eeh. This includes the sexual attraction to women. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted October 8, 2019 Share Posted October 8, 2019 Just now, songchick said: Yeah I guess there are parts of my orientation that I don't like. eeh. I feel the same way... I am like WHAT? I kinda just want to hide in my closet forever when it comes to orientation... Link to post Share on other sites
songchick Posted October 8, 2019 Author Share Posted October 8, 2019 Just now, Sir_The_Last said: I feel the same way... I am like WHAT? I kinda just want to hide in my closet forever when it comes to orientation... TOTALLY. I don't like how people say that you get free and liberated when you discover your orientation. Bollocks. I intellectually see my life the way I want it to go, and then the body has a disconnect. Also I don't how letting go is freeing. I want to be in control. I want to plan this intellectually and rationally, the way I'd plan any other aspect of my life. Like finances, education, employment, family obligations like helping my mother retire. Love and unbridled attraction can make people act really badly, and other responsibilities fall by the wayside. I'm not trying to live a fun life here. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted October 8, 2019 Share Posted October 8, 2019 2 minutes ago, songchick said: TOTALLY. I don't like how people say that you get free and liberated when you discover your orientation. Bollocks. I intellectually see my life the way I want it to go, and then the body has a disconnect. Also I don't how letting go is freeing. I want to be in control. I want to plan this intellectually and rationally, the way I'd plan any other aspect of my life. Like finances, education, employment, family obligations like helping my mother retire. Love and unbridled attraction can make people act really badly, and other responsibilities fall by the wayside. I'm not trying to live a fun life here. I agree that life is not fun. I do not understand the "free and liberating part of orientation" I guess to some it is while to others it is far from it. I guess people understand things in different ways. As long as people do not bug me or force me into being someone who I am not I am fine. *giggles* Link to post Share on other sites
songchick Posted October 8, 2019 Author Share Posted October 8, 2019 I feel like our Ace perspective/experience needs to enter the conversation of atypical sexualities. Including the A in LGBTQIA is not just about including token people into the fold who "just don't like sex." If you want to add the A, then you have to let us speak and talk about our criticisms of the sexual experience. We Aces have tons of nuances to our experience that need to be considered and established, of course things like romantic vs. sexual vs. aesthetic vs. ___ attractions being at different levels. I have learned WAY more about sexuality here on AVEN than out in the world, where people are just like thumbs up, "yo, it's awesome! go for it!" No, it's NOT awesome, and I want to be the wet rag on that convo that says "Yeah, well I don't want to imagine you in creepy ways. I don't know you. Step the hell back." It's not about prudeness & conservative ideaology and "conversion therapy", it's about how we want to live our lives. For some, sex is not a positive experience. I have forced myself into sexual encounters because I was trying to be mature and grown-up like everyone else, yet it was all so forgettable. Not traumatic, not a matter of loose morals, but just forgettable. I can't remember people's names, where I was, what happened. It's all numb down/uncomfortable down there. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted October 8, 2019 Share Posted October 8, 2019 25 minutes ago, songchick said: I have forced myself into sexual encounters because I was trying to be mature and grown-up like everyone else, yet it was all so forgettable. I am sorry about this. I've not been able to force myself into sex. Sometimes I ask myself what I would do or not do. Then I just stop talking about and ignore the idea. I am too picky as it is when my friends. But then again I stop believing in "LOVE" a while ago. So I guess I am just me. Link to post Share on other sites
Galactic Turtle Posted October 8, 2019 Share Posted October 8, 2019 Well just because you don't find yourself to a specific gender/person daily doesn't mean you don't experience attention. If you have a history of being attracted to more than one gender then you're bisexual. I don't have a history of being attracted to anyone so I go by asexual. Link to post Share on other sites
twetzel59 Posted October 8, 2019 Share Posted October 8, 2019 @songchick This is so relatable. Some days I can't think about anything but my asexuality, and other days I doubt myself to no end. Sometimes I think I'm heteroromantic, other days aromatic, still others panromantic. Which seems crazy, because aromantic and panromantic are basically antonyms. Except that each day when I wake up it feels different. GRR! Link to post Share on other sites
Marlow1 Posted October 9, 2019 Share Posted October 9, 2019 I am not certain if this will help anybody here since this idea comes from observing Allosexual folk struggling with OCD and questioning their Orientation. I have not had first hand experience but they have told me this is what they do to try to figure things out Firstly they write things down. They look at what they think and feel and how they behave when they are not obsessing. And then they do the same for when they are. The assessment when they are not obsessing is usually the one that they regard as their default Then what they do is look at the circumstances. For instance, some say they only get attracted to the gender they are not sure about when they are watching pornography, but in everyday life they never become attracted to the said gender. Others say it is not the actual person but that they are attracted to but it is the way they make love that is of interest to them. They say with pornography men are often portrayed as violent and the women are portrayed as gentle and so if a person wants gentle sex they might lean towards this kind of porn but in real life they would prefer sex with a gentle man, but kind of believe they won't find one?? Mainly, I guess, because the pornography is so often portraying men so negatively?? Some women at our therapy group say that in the past they used to think that they were attracted to the women in pornography but never experienced this in everyday life. After examining this they realised that they are not actually attracted to the women in porn, instead they are identifying with them. Meaning, admiring them, and wanting to be like them, wanting to be sexual in the particular way that they are looking at, but not actually wanting sex with the said person!!! It is my wife who spends more time with these folk, more so than I do. She has obsessions, not about Orientation, but her obsessions can involve worrying about sexual stuff. This is why she can relate to these folk. Although this is not the same as what goes on for her, she listens to them because it helps her to break down the things she is obsessing about, and come to terms with things. Her obsessions are almost always not what she really thinks and feels deep down. It has been trauma in my wife's past that triggered the obsessional thinking in the first place. For years she went around in circles, almost daily. Nowadays, because of the Therapy work that she does she has about 1 to 3 days a month where all the obsessing returns. This level could be classed as normal. Most people in everyday life do obsess at least sometimes Link to post Share on other sites
songchick Posted October 9, 2019 Author Share Posted October 9, 2019 14 hours ago, Marlow1 said: Some women at our therapy group say that in the past they used to think that they were attracted to the women in pornography but never experienced this in everyday life. After examining this they realised that they are not actually attracted to the women in porn, instead they are identifying with them. Meaning, admiring them, and wanting to be like them, wanting to be sexual in the particular way that they are looking at, but not actually wanting sex with the said person!!! I've thought of this also. LIke also even walking around in real life. Am I admiring people? I don't want to stand near them actually, or maybe that's denial and/or phobia. I wish people wore less suggestive clothing, honestly. Link to post Share on other sites
Marlow1 Posted October 9, 2019 Share Posted October 9, 2019 @songbird My wife has not been officially diagnosed with OCD but she has benefited from many of the videos Ali has on youtube In addition to the above, having lots of photographs taken of herself, drawing pictures of herself, creating scrapbooks of our life together, has helped my wife see herself as desirable once more and the whole new her is incredibly captivating She still avoids the images but lately she seems to be coping better if she bumps into them It's a massive long story why she became so poorly with this but it was definitely triggered following my brain hemhorrage, when I lost attraction to her, and folk were telling her I was looking elsewhere. She is doing exceptionally well now, and she says this is mainly from using Ali's ideas Link to post Share on other sites
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