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What is grey-romantic?


Gethealien

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Or if you feel it with a really low intensity. Or with a frequency/intensity that makes you not entirely sure.

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1 hour ago, MaggieB said:

It's when you feel romantic attraction, but very,very rarely. Like, if in your whole life you felt in love only once, you can indetify as grey-romantic, I guess.

 

39 minutes ago, Iam9man said:

Or if you feel it with a really low intensity. Or with a frequency/intensity that makes you not entirely sure.

Would 1/2 in 16 years count? 

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6 minutes ago, Gethealien said:

Would 1/2 in 16 years count? 

Up to you if you relate to the label more widely, but that would definitely count in my book.

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1 hour ago, Iam9man said:

Up to you if you relate to the label more widely, but that would definitely count in my book.

Well it's always been a kinda just it might be nice but not really bothered relationship to romantic relationships. Just like Meh. 

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So my favourite thread I've found so far was a demisexual thread but they were basically discussing the same thing in terms of 'how rare is demi/how to define demi?'

 

So dropping some quotes here:

 

Sexual Quotes:

On 7/24/2019 at 1:08 AM, Star Lion said:

Here’s the thing: identify as asexual if you believe you likely won’t ever experience sexual attraction (a desire for partnered sexual activity towards someone) in your future. Identify under the grey-sexual umbrella if you believe it’ll happen sometimes or only under specific circumstances. That’ll make people’s lives so much easier on the whole labeling crisis.

(That one actually came from a different thread I think)

 

Demi Quotes:

On 9/4/2019 at 11:54 AM, questdrivencollie said:

I think of demi as takes anywhere from months or even years knowing this one person to feel a desire for sexual connection with one person, tbh. I'm not 100% sure I'm demi myself, but I don't personally have an interest in sex....I like the idea in fiction, but don't think I care for it in reality.

For example, my crush, I knew this person for two to three years before I developed romantic feelings for them. (Sooo, demiromantic here.) About the same time that romantic feelings developed, I had some very slight sexual feelings toward them as well.

-

On 9/4/2019 at 4:33 AM, Iam9man said:

My understanding is that someone who’s demi would experience zero sexual attraction until they’re formed a close emotional bond with someone. To me that seems very different to feeling sexual attraction but not being comfortable having having sex until you’re in a relationship, even if from the outside it looks very similar.

On 9/4/2019 at 6:47 AM, Snao van der Cone said:

This is more or less how I've come to understand it too, with "zero sexual attraction" not just meaning not having found the right person yet, but also not suffering from it due to sexual needs being unmet (that can't be satisfied solo).

^ That's my favourite definition of demi- essentially borderline ace (or aro) which sounds like what you said in regards to:

 

1 hour ago, Gethealien said:

Would 1/2 in 16 years count? 

24 minutes ago, Gethealien said:

Well it's always been a kinda just it might be nice but not really bothered relationship to romantic relationships. Just like Meh. 

So maybe? I know there are 'demi- hopefuls', people who want to be in a relationship but haven't felt romantic attraction yet or the common understanding I know of from outside the community is 'demi means you need an emotional connection before you feel romantic desire' which could be considered 'just' a regular romantic when you get right down to it and where I ran into this problem:

On 9/4/2019 at 4:38 AM, CBC said:

I think what we call demisexual is either so common so as to not need to be a term at all OR it denotes something incredibly rare (like not feeling any iota of sexual desire until you've known and been close to someone for literal years).

so demi by itself doesn't feel rare enough for me personally going from the common outside community understanding I have of the term unless I consider the definition I pointed out as my favourite above. Although as to when you are 'demi enough'

On 9/4/2019 at 4:42 AM, Galactic Turtle said:

It has been my assumption that the "line" is simply the person feeling like they want to call themselves demi.

so demi could mean different things to different people. Currently I'm identifying as mainly grey aro since 1) it's way shorter then explaining my full romantic labels and 2) I'm so close to aro I might actually be one. I'm actually tend to switch between 'grey aro' and 'grey?aro' because I'm not 100% sure about the grey only that if I do feel attraction it's rare and hard to pin down.

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DoubleATripleA

It's when some alloromantic people feel romantic attraction, but not as often as others. This doesn't make them any less alloromantic, and it's perfectly fine.

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DarkStormyKnight

I agree with the above, but also I identify as gray-romantic and I tend to think of it as feeling as though I can relate to aspects of alloromanticism as well as aromanticism. I'm in the gray area in between!

If the term helps you, I say go ahead and ID that way. :) 

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1 hour ago, Moon6Shadow said:

So my favourite thread I've found so far was a demisexual thread but they were basically discussing the same thing in terms of 'how rare is demi/how to define demi?'

 

So dropping some quotes here:

 

Sexual Quotes:

(That one actually came from a different thread I think)

 

Demi Quotes:

-

^ That's my favourite definition of demi- essentially borderline ace (or aro) which sounds like what you said in regards to:

 

So maybe? I know there are 'demi- hopefuls', people who want to be in a relationship but haven't felt romantic attraction yet or the common understanding I know of from outside the community is 'demi means you need an emotional connection before you feel romantic desire' which could be considered 'just' a regular romantic when you get right down to it and where I ran into this problem:

so demi by itself doesn't feel rare enough for me personally going from the common outside community understanding I have of the term unless I consider the definition I pointed out as my favourite above. Although as to when you are 'demi enough'

so demi could mean different things to different people. Currently I'm identifying as mainly grey aro since 1) it's way shorter then explaining my full romantic labels and 2) I'm so close to aro I might actually be one. I'm actually tend to switch between 'grey aro' and 'grey?aro' because I'm not 100% sure about the grey only that if I do feel attraction it's rare and hard to pin down.

I guess I might want a romantic relationship in the future but I'm not bothered by it and I'm kind of hopeful that I would feel that connection. But at the minute I relate far more to aromatic than alloromatic just because yeah however I don't think I'm demi because it's not realated to how much I know the person. Or I might just be confusing romantic and platonic which is quite possible. I know what you mean about the last bit. 

15 minutes ago, DarkStormyKnight said:

I agree with the above, but also I identify as gray-romantic and I tend to think of it as feeling as though I can relate to aspects of alloromanticism as well as aromanticism. I'm in the gray area in between!

If the term helps you, I say go ahead and ID that way. :) 

This is kind of me but as I said above I kind of realte more to aromatic than alloromatic just because of how rare and weak the feeling is and that I don't understand it very often how people feel about this kind of stuff.

Ge

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DarkStormyKnight
2 hours ago, Gethealien said:

This is kind of me but as I said above I kind of realte more to aromatic than alloromatic just because of how rare and weak the feeling is and that I don't understand it very often how people feel about this kind of stuff.

Ge

That's cool! You don't have to fall smack in the middle, if you want to use the term it's still open to you.

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rainbowocollie

For me, I generally have little to no interest in romantic things, for myself at least.

I have had a couple instances of romantic attraction, and could see it happening again if certain conditions were met (probably demiromantic). But it's been years since I've felt any kind of attraction, and I may never feel it again.

Buuuut, since explaining grey-ness to outsiders is unlikely to go well, to them I would probably just say I'm not very interested in relationships.

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14 hours ago, Gethealien said:

I guess I might want a romantic relationship in the future but I'm not bothered by it and I'm kind of hopeful that I would feel that connection. But at the minute I relate far more to aromatic than alloromatic just because yeah however I don't think I'm demi because it's not realated to how much I know the person. Or I might just be confusing romantic and platonic which is quite possible. I know what you mean about the last bit.

Hmm, okay so full romantic labels to see if anything seems relatable, I'm DemiQuoialterious.

 

(This first bit might not be relevant to you): Quoi- can be a little confusing to wrap your head around but to try and boil it down 'romantic attraction to gender is non applicable to you, basically if someone asks you what gender you're interested in and you give them the blue screen of death. This can also feed into a difficulty understanding what romantic attraction actually is because you don't feel attraction via gender'

 

The -alterous (or potential -alterious) as an alternative to -romantic so:

Alterous:

Quote

Alterous is described as neither being (entirely/completely) platonic nor romantic,   ,& is an attraction best described as wanting emotional closeness without necessarily being (at all or entirely) platonic &/or romantic, & is used in the place of -romantic or -platonic (so say bi-alterous instead of bi-romantic).

Someone can be both alterous & romantic &/or platonic & can have varying degrees on attraction, ultimately feel discomfort / unease / or just a sense of inaccuracy in calling it wholly romantic or platonic.

So you could redefine this by swapping 'platonic' for 'friendship' for clarification because 'platonic' can mean a bunch of different things depending on who's talking, see Platonic and Queerplatonic. (Platonic and -alterous can be very similar depending on how you define it.)

 

To requote:

14 hours ago, Gethealien said:

I guess I might want a romantic relationship in the future but I'm not bothered by it and I'm kind of hopeful that I would feel that connection. But at the minute I relate far more to aromatic than alloromatic just because yeah however I don't think I'm demi because it's not realated to how much I know the person. Or I might just be confusing romantic and platonic which is quite possible. I know what you mean about the last bit.

Basically -alterous could be considered a desire to have 'a connection', a focus on emotional closeness rather romantic. I wouldn't classify it as demi- as such, aka you can be -alterous without being demi-, since you don't need emotional closeness to get into the relationship/feel attraction, -alterous is just saying 'if I get into this relationship my focus is on the emotional connection, not how romantic it is or romance might not be my  thing but I want emotional closeness etc.' if that makes sense?
 

'romance might not be my  thing but I want emotional closeness'

This is another reason for me being hesitant over the 'grey' in 'grey aro' because by this point you start to wonder if you even count as 'not aro aro' but anyway that's what my full romantic labels are for so I can define those things in full if I need to. Which might be another thing you could keep in mind, 'grey aro' is purposefully a very broad definition, so if you want to use that as an overall label and then define, or not define, where you stand within that umbrella you can do that as well. 

 

(Me: Using -alterous so I can ditch the -romance from my full romantic label. Yes, this is 100% my reason for doing this. XD Well that and it fits but I was already on a hunt for something that would allow me to ditch the -romance when I found this.

 

14 hours ago, DarkStormyKnight said:

I identify as gray-romantic and I tend to think of it as feeling as though I can relate to aspects of alloromanticism as well as aromanticism. I'm in the gray area in between!

If the term helps you, I say go ahead and ID that way. :) 

14 hours ago, Gethealien said:

This is kind of me but as I said above I kind of realte more to aromatic than alloromatic just because of how rare and weak the feeling is and that I don't understand it very often how people feel about this kind of stuff.

Ge

Well for an alternate perspective of a Grey Aro, I don't relate to a lot of alloromantic stuff. XD (Unless you include fandom emotional relationships that just happen to include romance. <3) Like I said grey is a very wide umbrella term for a reason. :)

 

Edit:

You may find the definition of aromantic by AVEN Wiki a really interesting read so I recommend you read that. It's only a few paragraphs long but it talks about how Aro people can still have a desire for emotional connection they just don't want it in a romantic sense, also touches on how Aro people can still enjoy kissing etc and still be Aro etc. Which might help answer you're question of 'I want to feel a connection but I relate more to aromantic then alloromatic, what am I?'

 

Also, if you aren't comfortable with 'Grey Aro' and 'Aro' feels more right to you then you don't have to use 'Grey Aro'. Labels are meant to feel comfortable, if you even want to use them at all. :)

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@Moon6Shadow,

Thanks for the reply I found this really interesting, I think quoi kind of fits me but I have been using pan to get around that. And the same for alterous also kind of fits. At the moment I use non-binary ace-pan-grey-romantic as my intersectionalitys within the LGBTQ Ness. I kind of use non-binary as an umbrella because I just don't want to fit myself into a box under that umbrella, it kind of describes me enough without making me feel like I have to conform, and it's kind the same with grey-romantic because I don't feel the same repulsion and ickyness as what drives being asexual as far as romantic attraction. 

When I said about relating more to aro, this is partly due to my Autism and party due to the stuff that is going on right now and that being in a relationship wouldn't be an option. I guess that might be why I'm saying grey-romantic because it keeps that door open in effect?

I kind of like not defining where I stand in the grey-romantic scale because I feel like it then gives me more freedom to move and adapt in the future I may come back and specific my labels but right now this is all so new and I'm still getting my head around it and kinda just the unbrealla because it says what I am without being really specific.

I did look at the wiki, and if I think about it I do want the romantic stuff (it makes me anxious but that's to do with my autism and not wanting it to move onto sexual contact). 

This post was to try and work out if I fit it grey because I know I'm not completely aro even though rn I'm not in a place where I could persuaded or think about a lot of these things I still know there is that bit of me that does. Does that make sense? This thread has kind of confirmed to me that I do relate to grey-aro due to the reasons I explained above. I also have zero experience in those kind of relationships other than saying no to a couple of people asking me out in sch (two not in person!) And one harrashed me for a term until he eventually got repremarded. 

I guess being romantic isn't a strong desire but it's still rarely there. Hense the grey. 

Does that make sense?

Ge

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2 hours ago, Gethealien said:

@Moon6Shadow,

Thanks for the reply I found this really interesting, I think quoi kind of fits me but I have been using pan to get around that.

Given how confusing Quoi is to explain, I don't exactly blame you for preferring to use Pan even if you do relate to Quoi a little. XD :) 

 

2 hours ago, Gethealien said:

And the same for alterous also kind of fits. At the moment I use non-binary ace-pan-grey-romantic as my intersectionalitys within the LGBTQ Ness. I kind of use non-binary as an umbrella because I just don't want to fit myself into a box under that umbrella, it kind of describes me enough without making me feel like I have to conform, and it's kind the same with grey-romantic because I don't feel the same repulsion and ickyness as what drives being asexual as far as romantic attraction.

Given I prefer to use demigender as a neutral umbrella term and have considered quoisexual but it tipped into Ace instead due to repulsion if I really actually thought about it, yep, I totally get you.

 

2 hours ago, Gethealien said:

When I said about relating more to aro, this is partly due to my Autism and party due to the stuff that is going on right now and that being in a relationship wouldn't be an option. I guess that might be why I'm saying grey-romantic because it keeps that door open in effect?

Oh hey, fellow autistic. (waves)

Social Spoonie, Hyperempathy etc. ? An interesting term to know about is requiesromantic.

Quote

Requiesromantic (Requis) is a romantic orientation characterized by limited or no sexual attraction/interest/activity due to some form of emotional exhaustion. Emotional exhaustion may be the result of previous sexual endeavors and past experiences dealing with sexuality, or from something else just as emotionally draining.

The romantic orientation has been heavily influenced by "The Spoon Theory", which is a personal story by Christine Miserandino.

I don't actually use it as an orientation but #mood #people are exhausting, so it's nice to know it exists sometimes.

 

But yeah, I get what you mean by:

2 hours ago, Gethealien said:

partly due to my Autism and party due to the stuff that is going on right now [...] being in a relationship wouldn't be an option.

and wanting to keep the door open. :)

 

2 hours ago, Gethealien said:

I kind of like not defining where I stand in the grey-romantic scale because I feel like it then gives me more freedom to move and adapt in the future I may come back and specific my labels but right now this is all so new and I'm still getting my head around it and kinda just the unbrealla because it says what I am without being really specific.

Completely get. ❤️  I'm still not 100% on my labels so the thing to keep in mind is that things can change over time and not to fret over them too much but if using umbrella terms feels right to you, go right ahead. ❤️ 

 

2 hours ago, Gethealien said:

I did look at the wiki, and if I think about it I do want the romantic stuff (it makes me anxious but that's to do with my autism and not wanting it to move onto sexual contact).

Completely valid reason. ❤️

 

2 hours ago, Gethealien said:

This post was to try and work out if I fit it grey because I know I'm not completely aro even though rn I'm not in a place where I could persuaded or think about a lot of these things I still know there is that bit of me that does. Does that make sense?

Huh, you might find requiesromantic more relevant that I thought you would or just life in general being an issue.

That completely makes sense.

2 hours ago, Gethealien said:

 This thread has kind of confirmed to me that I do relate to grey-aro due to the reasons I explained above. I also have zero experience in those kind of relationships other than saying no to a couple of people asking me out in sch (two not in person!)

Groans. Please not electronic communication. I remember an autistic meet up and it came up that pretty much all of us, if not all of us, had electronic communication phobia of some sort (my worst one is phone calls). So not sure if you have that but yeah not fun. (Also rude, from a non-electronic communication phobic standpoint as I understand it, although I tend to forget about that bit. XD :) )

2 hours ago, Gethealien said:

And one harrashed me for a term until he eventually got repremarded.

Good to know he stopped, even if it was only eventually. 😕

2 hours ago, Gethealien said:

I guess being romantic isn't a strong desire but it's still rarely there. Hense the grey. 

Does that make sense?

Ge

Perfect sense. ❤️ :)

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38 minutes ago, Moon6Shadow said:

Given how confusing Quoi is to explain, I don't exactly blame you for preferring to use Pan even if you do relate to Quoi a little. XD :) 

 

Given I prefer to use demigender as a neutral umbrella term and have considered quoisexual but it tipped into Ace instead due to repulsion if I really actually thought about it, yep, I totally get you.

 

Oh hey, fellow autistic. (waves)

Social Spoonie, Hyperempathy etc. ? An interesting term to know about is requiesromantic.

I don't actually use it as an orientation but #mood #people are exhausting, so it's nice to know it exists sometimes.

 

But yeah, I get what you mean by:

and wanting to keep the door open. :)

 

Completely get. ❤️  I'm still not 100% on my labels so the thing to keep in mind is that things can change over time and not to fret over them too much but if using umbrella terms feels right to you, go right ahead. ❤️ 

 

Completely valid reason. ❤️

 

Huh, you might find requiesromantic more relevant that I thought you would or just life in general being an issue.

That completely makes sense.

Groans. Please not electronic communication. I remember an autistic meet up and it came up that pretty much all of us, if not all of us, had electronic communication phobia of some sort (my worst one is phone calls). So not sure if you have that but yeah not fun. (Also rude, from a non-electronic communication phobic standpoint as I understand it, although I tend to forget about that bit. XD :) )

Good to know he stopped, even if it was only eventually. 😕

Perfect sense. ❤️ :)

Hi, 

I just think Pan is more known and like I feel like it describes it enough even though gender and stuff only comes into my mind to try and work out which pronouns I should use, normally us they though. 

It's just one of those things like sexual contact is completely off limits just makes me want to throw up, and I never get the idea that you 'need' sex just really?

Autism yay! Oh and I'm a spoonie as well so the requires romantic isn't really relevant because I'm exhausted all the time! Ha. #chronicpain #toomanyappointments.

I kind of feel like using an umbrella means that I don't have to change or freet over what a new experience means and means I don't have to think about it too much again, although I may specify in the future. (I'm firmly closted now so yeah). 

Oh when they asked me out they did it through one of there friends and I was like no. Ask me on person because I didn't even know if it was a joke or not. And because they were annoying and not respectful so why would I even think about dating them as I was like 13. 

I hate phone calls. Hate them. Won't answer unless I know who they are (ie parents) mostly just say text me or email me. Or if a planned phone call or I have to. 

I prefer stuff like this to face to face most of the time just cause I have more time to think but sometimes it's better in person (only if I know them really really well). 

Yeah he would touch me and trap me and shout at me and I just said no (he wasn't used to that all the girls wanted him and I really didn't, I was just an obession for a while until we went to higher up people and then it stopped). 

Also having good friends is enough to satisfy me but I still would kind of like romantic if it happens. So it's not a goal but I'm still open to it. 

I'm definitely a social sponnie as well and a hyper empathy because like energy you know? Blame synesthesia for that. 

Ge

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20 hours ago, KrysLost said:

Hmm what about 1 crush in 19 years. That only occurred after knowing him for several years. Even then I identify more with my lack of interest than anything. 

That's kinda like me, although  I would say that sounds more like demi because of the relationship built up before hand. 

 

18 hours ago, DarkStormyKnight said:

That's cool! You don't have to fall smack in the middle, if you want to use the term it's still open to you.

I think that's why I chose it because of how unspecified it is. 

18 hours ago, DarkStormyKnight said:

 

 

16 hours ago, questdrivencollie said:

For me, I generally have little to no interest in romantic things, for myself at least.

I have had a couple instances of romantic attraction, and could see it happening again if certain conditions were met (probably demiromantic). But it's been years since I've felt any kind of attraction, and I may never feel it again.

Buuuut, since explaining grey-ness to outsiders is unlikely to go well, to them I would probably just say I'm not very interested in relationships.

I think it's sometimes good to find labels because it makes you feel less alone

Yep! Just saying it in those terms is often simpler until you get the pushy person who think they are the bees knees and can win you or make you more interested but then they are just stupid people. That's what I'm worried about because I freeze when I'm stressed or faun so yeah. 

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13 minutes ago, Gethealien said:

I just think Pan is more known and like I feel like it describes it enough even though gender and stuff only comes into my mind to try and work out which pronouns I should use, normally us they though.

No judgment, it's your labels. :) and yeah Pan is probably more well known then Quoi (at least it is in my extremely limited experience) and they likely look similar from those not in the know, although I haven't really delved into Pan much aside from it essentially meaning 'attracted to all genders/everyone' which could be seen as similar to my "I'm not attracted via gender so I guess that means I could be attracted to anyone" ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ view of things from the outside.

 

(Although some pans seem to talk about being gender-blind so...  I'll need to figure out how people define Pan so I can define the difference between Quoi and Pan next. 😕 XD I'll just keep coming back to 'blue screen of death' as my reason for personally choosing to define myself as Quoi. XD :)

 

13 minutes ago, Gethealien said:

It's just one of those things like sexual contact is completely off limits just makes me want to throw up, and I never get the idea that you 'need' sex just really?

*chuckles* Yep.

 

13 minutes ago, Gethealien said:

Autism yay! Oh and I'm a spoonie as well so the requires romantic isn't really relevant because I'm exhausted all the time! Ha. #chronicpain #toomanyappointments.

Yeah that is the weird thing about, requiesromantic, I tend to picture an orientation as more long term and your interest in romance things fluctuating depending on spoons, rather then an orientation you dip in and out of. o.o Anyway, requies- is just something I tend to think of as a descriptive word for something I low key have constantly.

 

Also, belated realisation it likely came across as me offered requiesromantic to you as a 'official label' after you stated you were happy with grey. So I should probably clarify, I tend to think of labels as descriptive words I can play around with to describe experiences rather then something that is set in stone. Some of them feel more set in stone then others but for the most part I define what they mean to me rather then the other way around. So for me even if you prefer to define yourself as grey, that doesn't mean you can't use 'descriptive words'/labels to describe experiences. Not saying you have to use them, I just happen to find it easier to think about things in terms of words. If that makes sense? So to clarify, I'm quick to use labels but that doesn't mean you have to use or define yourself with them.

 

13 minutes ago, Gethealien said:

I kind of feel like using an umbrella means that I don't have to change or freet over what a new experience means and means I don't have to think about it too much again, although I may specify in the future. (I'm firmly closted now so yeah).

Well that's one way to deal with second guessing literally everything. That part of having a specific labels is not fun, you'd think you'd stop second guessing once you pinned it down but no. XD But yeah, I can respect that. :) (Nothing wrong with the closet, if it feels more comfortable. ❤️  aside from some other people who are also LGTB+ and online I'm also pretty much fully in the closet.)

13 minutes ago, Gethealien said:

Oh when they asked me out they did it through one of there friends and I was like no. Ask me on person because I didn't even know if it was a joke or not. And because they were annoying and not respectful so why would I even think about dating them as I was like 13.

Weird.... and yet I can actually picture that exact thing happening between kids. >.<

13 minutes ago, Gethealien said:

Yeah he would touch me and trap me and shout at me and I just said no (he wasn't used to that all the girls wanted him and I really didn't, I was just an obession for a while until we went to higher up people and then it stopped).

😕  yeah I can see it.

13 minutes ago, Gethealien said:

I hate phone calls. Hate them. Won't answer unless I know who they are (ie parents) mostly just say text me or email me. Or if a planned phone call or I have to. 

I prefer stuff like this to face to face most of the time just cause I have more time to think but sometimes it's better in person (only if I know them really really well).

Yep, took me literally years before I could pick up a phone to call family members and typically that is only because I'm asking if people want me to buy milk on the way back from work. XD No social script, no phone call.

 

Time to think is always useful ❤️, yep knowing really well is a must. ❤️ 

13 minutes ago, Gethealien said:

Also having good friends is enough to satisfy me but I still would kind of like romantic if it happens. So it's not a goal but I'm still open to it. 

I'm definitely a social sponnie as well and a hyper empathy because like energy you know? Blame synesthesia for that. 

Ge

Synesthesia? That one I didn't know, I had to look it up, you learn something new every day.

Synesthesia aside, yep, totally get what you're saying. ❤️ :)

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2 hours ago, Moon6Shadow said:

No judgment, it's your labels. :) and yeah Pan is probably more well known then Quoi (at least it is in my extremely limited experience) and they likely look similar from those not in the know, although I haven't really delved into Pan much aside from it essentially meaning 'attracted to all genders/everyone' which could be seen as similar to my "I'm not attracted via gender so I guess that means I could be attracted to anyone" ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ view of things from the outside.

 

(Although some pans seem to talk about being gender-blind so...  I'll need to figure out how people define Pan so I can define the difference between Quoi and Pan next. 😕 XD I'll just keep coming back to 'blue screen of death' as my reason for personally choosing to define myself as Quoi. XD :)

 

*chuckles* Yep.

 

Yeah that is the weird thing about, requiesromantic, I tend to picture an orientation as more long term and your interest in romance things fluctuating depending on spoons, rather then an orientation you dip in and out of. o.o Anyway, requies- is just something I tend to think of as a descriptive word for something I low key have constantly.

 

Also, belated realisation it likely came across as me offered requiesromantic to you as a 'official label' after you stated you were happy with grey. So I should probably clarify, I tend to think of labels as descriptive words I can play around with to describe experiences rather then something that is set in stone. Some of them feel more set in stone then others but for the most part I define what they mean to me rather then the other way around. So for me even if you prefer to define yourself as grey, that doesn't mean you can't use 'descriptive words'/labels to describe experiences. Not saying you have to use them, I just happen to find it easier to think about things in terms of words. If that makes sense? So to clarify, I'm quick to use labels but that doesn't mean you have to use or define yourself with them.

 

Well that's one way to deal with second guessing literally everything. That part of having a specific labels is not fun, you'd think you'd stop second guessing once you pinned it down but no. XD But yeah, I can respect that. :) (Nothing wrong with the closet, if it feels more comfortable. ❤️  aside from some other people who are also LGTB+ and online I'm also pretty much fully in the closet.)

Weird.... and yet I can actually picture that exact thing happening between kids. >.<

😕  yeah I can see it.

Yep, took me literally years before I could pick up a phone to call family members and typically that is only because I'm asking if people want me to buy milk on the way back from work. XD No social script, no phone call.

 

Time to think is always useful ❤️, yep knowing really well is a must. ❤️ 

Synesthesia? That one I didn't know, I had to look it up, you learn something new every day.

Synesthesia aside, yep, totally get what you're saying. ❤️ :)

Hi,

I kind of see pan as gender not mattering or effecting attraction, but some people see it as you could be attracted to anyone but might have a gender preference. Those would be my two guesses. 

I guess you could use it as a descriptive bit I don't talk to enough people about it to need it and I'm kinda go for the minimum label approach. And like I might use it in the future but trying to get the basics really. 

And I second guess EVERYTHING so yeah that's why I'm going with the minimal approach!

I'm wayyyy to scared to come out to my parents.

I would just text for that kind of thing, or phone and then hang up after I have texted so they look at their phone! Ha!

Yeah so I have synesthesia, ecolalia, alexithemia (can't spell it), sensory processing disorder, dyspraxia, dyslexia, go non-verbal (I am rn), autism and other autism related things as far as the nerodivercise side of things and then a tone of mental health and physical health things. Like chronic pain. So already have lots of labels!

Emotional levels and types in a room have an energy level for me that I just sense. It's weird. Even if I can't labels it I know if people have been annoyed at each other in a room

Ge

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11 hours ago, Gethealien said:

Hi,

I kind of see pan as gender not mattering or effecting attraction, but some people see it as you could be attracted to anyone but might have a gender preference. Those would be my two guesses.

Hmm, makes sense.

11 hours ago, Gethealien said:

I guess you could use it as a descriptive bit I don't talk to enough people about it to need it and I'm kinda go for the minimum label approach. And like I might use it in the future but trying to get the basics really.

Again, no judgment. You do you. ❤️

 

11 hours ago, Gethealien said:

And I second guess EVERYTHING so yeah that's why I'm going with the minimal approach!

❤️

 

11 hours ago, Gethealien said:

I'm wayyyy to scared to come out to my parents.

❤️

Firstly I believe the guideline for coming out of the closet is to not do it if you don't feel safe doing so, particularly if you are still dependent on parents. Which may not be your situation but just putting it out there. Also you don't have to officially come out if you don't feel ready for it or you don't want to, you can, but you're not obliged to.

 

As mentioned, I haven't 'officially' come out yet so I'm still in the closet but well some of them figured it out before I did. XD (Well I knew, I just wasn't 100% sure due to some misunderstandings about what ace actually meant.) My parents... I haven't really officially tackled that issue although they low key know, but others are already out to them which makes it not so scary in my case.

 

11 hours ago, Gethealien said:

I would just text for that kind of thing, or phone and then hang up after I have texted so they look at their phone! Ha!

You can ignore this but if you wanted to see their reactions maybe text while you're in the same room or write it down and hand it to them, something like that? Use the written word to start the conversation and then do it face to face? They may have questions as to what words actually mean etc.

 

If having a 'script' makes you feel better maybe make one of questions you think you'll be asked, dot point style? Also could do just a way to 'organise your thoughts' or whatever. I believe someone around here mentioned 'coming out on paper' first, in their diary or whatever, was helpful as a way to organise their thoughts. (I've sort of been 'coming out' online by talking to other newbies because I put words to things over and over again, which has caused me to realise a few things.)

-

Edit: On reflection this might require way more forplanning then you're after so this could be a potentially unrealistic suggestion

 

My mute moments tend to be short and temporary so I'm reaching a bit here as I'm not sure how you usually communicate while mute but for a more mute focused suggestion, have you ever used google docs or somewhere where multiple people can edit a document at once? I used to have online conversations with overseas friends in real time on them. So we'd all have a text colour and we could have a text based conversation in real time that way. I tend to find it's also more 'real time' then chat rooms/text. You can see the person typing, see when they pause, when they are struggling for words, if they just need a moment or are writing an extremely long reply. Which is very different compared to a chat room or text where you are just wait.... for their reply not knowing what they are doing. (I'd also gotten really good at 'reading' their indicators) Also you can read as they write so you have time to mentally process and formulate a response, unlike a chat room.

 

*Indicator, the flashing line that shows where your text will appear. If someone was staying still it typically meant they were listening, if you paused while typing sometimes they'd move and then stay still again to show you they were still there.

 

You could use google docs etc. in a casual sense as well but I've found them to be really good for emotional conversations. Although I haven't tried them in a close contact setting where you're talking with people you see often with rather then long distance communication. So you might want to see if you can practice this communication method with people before having a serious communication if you want to use it. (Serious conversations were not planned in my case they just had a habit of accidentally happening after while. We were meant to be doing it for a online role play game and the doc was our way to communicate 'behind the scenes' while still in character as we figured out clues and worked together and it basically snowballed. Live in each others pockets practically 24/7 for a month and that tends to happen. We were not meant to spend that much time in docs rather then 'in public (online) role play' oops. XD

 

Basic google doc tips:

Spoiler

Computer or something bigger then a phone tends to work best both for the larger keyboard and because it's easier to change text colours (via the paint roller icon) and use long docs without them glitching on you for getting too long, granted this was before I got an iphone so it may have kept up better then my old phone. I've been using the Word App on my phone recently and getting familiar with it, although I haven't tried multi people editing, and the app has a mobile mode that makes the text bigger which is nice. (Google docs also has an app)

 

If a doc starts glitching/lagging on you in general it's likely because it's too long you should get another doc and 'archive' the old doc by making it comments only or view only or delete it if you prefer. I think we started cutting off around the 20 pages mark as a general rule of thumb although we often went over.... and then wondered why we were having computer issues. XD If you want to do it on a phone to make it more mobile, moving to a new doc earlier might help. Also phones are more powerful these days so it could depend on the phone and how easy people find them to type on.

 

You need to give people permission to both access and edit the doc. If you end up having a private conversation while other people aren't there, you can copy and paste that to another doc for safe keeping/archive purposes and give the other person reading access or just delete it. You can also just move to another doc entirely to have the conversation if that makes you feel more comfortable.

 

Try to always keep a few lines open (press 'enter' a few times) under the text of the person who is currently writing otherwise other people can't write below you. We'd typically indicate we needed more lines to the one who was talking by resting our indicator* above where they started 'talking' typically where their colour (text) started to give them space as a sort of 'polite' way to do it or above their current paragraph if they had written a lot and were more focused on writing right now and you wanted to chip in. If they didn't notice for awhile because they are busy writing you could type above them and then copy and paste below them. You sort of figure out a system over time (a long time in my case).

 

brb = be right back, really useful in a long distance communication setting.

 

Warning for docs: They can be addicting XD so try not to let them take over your life. Although using them in a close contact setting because you're mute this may not be such an issue rather then someone who uses them to keep up with multiple friends who all live in different time zones to you, because who cares about sleep and work tomorrow. XD :) But yeah, they can be addicting and time swallowing so watch out.

 

 

11 hours ago, Gethealien said:

Yeah so I have synesthesia, ecolalia, alexithemia (can't spell it), sensory processing disorder, dyspraxia, dyslexia, go non-verbal (I am rn), autism and other autism related things as far as the nerodivercise side of things and then a tone of mental health and physical health things. Like chronic pain. So already have lots of labels!

Chuckles. So I'm the opposite one this time, just autistic umbrella term with a focus on the 'ADHD' parts of autism these days because time management is fun. (sarcasm)

 

11 hours ago, Gethealien said:

Emotional levels and types in a room have an energy level for me that I just sense. It's weird. Even if I can't labels it I know if people have been annoyed at each other in a room

Ge

Huh, that's convenient. I typically understand emotional cues way better in films or stories, although face to face is just a mixture between 'this makes sense, I really get this (or people tell me I do, somehow...) and Nope.

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Hi @Moon6Shadow

I am extremely dependent on my parents (ie can't be alone in the house) and cause of my physical limitations as well. So this is partly why I'm so scared, I did come out as asexual a few years ago but they just said I would grow out of it. So terrified to tell them about the other stuff. 

I am good a mimicking or cloning myself to cope with situation and would definitely write to them if I did come out in like 10 years time. 

Using Google docs sounds like a good idea thanks! 😀.

Oh time management is a pain for me to but I just used tones of calendars I also don't do a lot of stuff that requires it because of how limited I am to do stuff so doaent make a huge amount of difference now. Although in the last three years my consentration and short term memory has got soooooo much worse (might be to do with stress and lack of oxygen to the brain at times... Don't ask) oh I ment to put selective mutism rather than going non-verbal but nm. I can go mute for weeks or months or partly mute so I use few words (it hurts to force words out) I use a white board, pictures and flash/alert cards, a little bit of sign, talk for me apps or write stuff on my phone or through water at my parents if they are annoying me (only a little bit!) 😂

I really struggle with emotion cues in any form the only clues I get are in the form of my instinct of what the energy if, which is why I find groups so hard because it's harder to study multiple people and disec them scientifically essessially when you are trying to talk as well! I analysis people's behaviour and cues so if I know you well I will be more comfortable because I don't have to work soo hard to work out what you feel. 

I had a massive meltdown yesterday (moderate level!) At school which was fun, had like most of the learning support department chasing/looking for me around school. And now my head hurts 😭. It was horrible. And then I went to the bathroom which triggered but I'm not a girl and then that whole thing. Ontop of my meltdown/adding to it. I'm soo tired!!! 

I'm hoping to go to an ace meet up in November but I got to persuade my parents to have Sharron at the weekend which could be hard and it has to be that day so yeah. 

Struggling to accept that I have to be like this rn. 

I'm one of those people who confuses everyone!

Are you still in education or not?

How did you come to terms with not coming out to your parents and hiding it?

Ge

 

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