New Gray-A in a relationship with a sexual dude

[Bookerbakerxyz]

I posted this elsewhere but I was told it might be more helpful to start my own topic, so here we are. I'm just going to copy/paste what I put there so apologies if you're reading this twice.

 

Hi friends. Sorry in advance for rambling and the length of this. I'm trying to make this coherent but it's difficult. 

 

CW: talk of sexual stuff, mention of masturbation & toys, childbirth

 

I'm new to this community and only realized I'm asexual (gray-a, pretty sure) a few weeks ago. My husband and I have been together for 8.5 years (married for almost 4) and we have a 7-month-old baby. Before I met him (when we were 25), I had sex maybe 4 or 5 times. I've masturbated and had sexual thoughts, but masturbation just never did a whole lot for me. I never even owned a toy until my husband practically begged me to let him buy me some. We've been in therapy (together and separately) since before we were married because he has such a high sex drive and we've just constantly been trying to find a middle ground.

 

This realization of who I am has been both good and bad. Good, because I finally feel like I have something that explains why sex stuff just doesn't work in my brain (like we try to sext and I just ... can't? unless it's relating back to an experience I actually had. Like I can't just make stuff up). And I feel like this is something that can point him in a direction of how to better understand me. He just doesn't get how I don't want/need sex like he does. And I enjoy sex with him and am attracted to him, I just rarely want sex or anything sex-adjacent. I like cuddling and kissing, but for so many years, I've thought that if I even made out with him he would expect that we would have sex too, and I didn't want sex, so I'd stop doing other non-sexual but physical things, like cuddling and caressing and flirting. 

 

On the flip side, I feel like so much of our lives has just been him wanting sex and me not giving it to him. We're worried about what our future looks like because he's clearly not happy with the amount of sex in our lives. The last time we had sex was in December when I was 6 months pregnant. Since then, I had pregnancy issues, then I had the baby and had tearing, plus other post-birth complications, not including anxiety and depression. He says he wants to be with me forever (and I feel the same) but I don't want to doom him to a nearly-sexless marriage. We're trying to do something sexual (whether it's a BJ/HJ, or sex, or sexting) at least twice a week, but I just struggle to get into that mindset, especially when I'm home all day every day with a baby who requires my full attention AND my body. Before baby, one thing that almost always helped get me in the mood was when my husband would stimulate my breasts, and now they're a total no-fly zone because I breastfeed. 

 

Sex for him is validation that he's wanted. I tell him and show him in SO MANY WAYS that I love and want him and that I'm attracted to him, but he still feels like I don't want him. The other night I even initiated and offered him a BJ, tried my best to get into it and have some sexy talk, and afterwards he was upset and said he was confused, and was generally not happy. It made me feel like I'm broken and no matter what I do, it just isn't the right thing. That type of response makes me never want to initiate. 

 

I would love some support and ideas on how to move forward. Splitting up or sex outside of our marriage are not options. Anything else anyone can offer would be amazing. 

[Marlow1]

@Bookerbakerxyz Do you have romantic attraction to your husband? Do you enjoy romance generally? 

[WanderingKate]

My first reaction is this...you just had a baby. I don't know him personally, but I do think it's a wee bit self-centered for him to be complaining about not having sex so often when you're still dealing with the physical aftermath of giving birth and exhausted after taking care of a tiny human every day. Also you are obviously trying, and the fact that he didn't respond well to it is not your fault. I think that the best thing you can do is have an honest conversation with him, explain to him that even though it might not feel that way to him you are really trying, and ask him what you can *both* do to make it easier for intimacy to occur. From your post, it seems like you're making all the effort and he's just not happy about it. If he doesn't like what you're doing, perhaps he needs to make it more clear what about it he doesn't like and what you could *both* do to make it better instead of just getting upset. I'd also see if besides the breast stimulation, is there anything else that helps get you in the mood? Pay attention to when you do actively enjoy or seek sex- what factors have to be in place for you to enjoy it? It could be something sexual like a certain sex act or position, Or it could be something romantic like a nice dinner and cuddling first, or it could even be him taking care of the baby and the chores so that you can feel relaxed. Again, it seems like he's just unhappy and lashing out at you because he's not getting the amount and kind of sex he wants....you are obviously trying, you're making an effort to not only have sex but be enthusiastic about it....he's the one that needs to make the effort to meet you halfway, do a better job of communicating what about your sex life is lacking, and perhaps be more understanding and appreciative of the fact that you're making an effort and instead of getting upset have an honest conversation about not only his but both of your happiness. 

[Bookerbakerxyz]

6 hours ago, Marlow1 said:

@Bookerbakerxyz Do you have romantic attraction to your husband? Do you enjoy romance generally? 

Yes, I am romantically attracted to him, and I enjoy romance if it's with him. I like nice dinners and back rubs and things like that. 

 

1 hour ago, WanderingKate said:

My first reaction is this...you just had a baby. I don't know him personally, but I do think it's a wee bit self-centered for him to be complaining about not having sex so often when you're still dealing with the physical aftermath of giving birth and exhausted after taking care of a tiny human every day. Also you are obviously trying, and the fact that he didn't respond well to it is not your fault. I think that the best thing you can do is have an honest conversation with him, explain to him that even though it might not feel that way to him you are really trying, and ask him what you can *both* do to make it easier for intimacy to occur. From your post, it seems like you're making all the effort and he's just not happy about it. If he doesn't like what you're doing, perhaps he needs to make it more clear what about it he doesn't like and what you could *both* do to make it better instead of just getting upset. I'd also see if besides the breast stimulation, is there anything else that helps get you in the mood? Pay attention to when you do actively enjoy or seek sex- what factors have to be in place for you to enjoy it? It could be something sexual like a certain sex act or position, Or it could be something romantic like a nice dinner and cuddling first, or it could even be him taking care of the baby and the chores so that you can feel relaxed. Again, it seems like he's just unhappy and lashing out at you because he's not getting the amount and kind of sex he wants....you are obviously trying, you're making an effort to not only have sex but be enthusiastic about it....he's the one that needs to make the effort to meet you halfway, do a better job of communicating what about your sex life is lacking, and perhaps be more understanding and appreciative of the fact that you're making an effort and instead of getting upset have an honest conversation about not only his but both of your happiness. 

I don't think I portrayed our lives well then because he is not at all being pushy and has put up with me never wanting anything for a very long time. He knows I'm trying and he's doing his best to meet me in the middle, but his love language is through sex and physical closeness. It's taking a lot for him to understand where I'm coming from. He's tried very hard to make things comfortable for me so that we can both enjoy it, but he doesn't understand the "I'm just not in the mood" and that I can't just suddenly get in the mood like he can. Our brains are just very different so it's taking a lot of conversation and understanding on both our parts.

[Guest]

With a baby, its understandable to not be in the mood. Childcare is utterly exhausting. Maybe suggest to him a night out, with someone you trust taking care of the baby, so you two can take your time and be romantic with each other first and you can get out of mom mode ? Might get you more into it at least. 

[Guest]

Many fully sexual women are not in the mood for sex for up to 3 years after childbirth (because of hormonal changes, stress, sleeplessness etc). It's totally normal. He needs to understand that 😕

[Marlow1]

@Bookerbakerxyz

 

I seriously hate telling women about this because I 100% know that over the long term breast feeding really is the best thing for both child and mother and over time those folk that persevere reap the rewards long term from this. (Within our family we do not allow vaccines for our children on the strength of our belief regarding the health benefits of breast feeding, ALL are healthy, and most have grown up and are adults now) But many, if not most women, both sexual and asexual, can find that this massive change in their life, having a baby to take care of, not only affects their hormones but can affect many aspects of their lives. And these changes, including hormones almost inevitably affect sexual desire and so on

 

https://www.thebump.com/a/breastfeeding-interfering-with-sex-life

 

Some of us here call ourselves Greysexual, Demisexual and so on because these terms capture a whole host of characteristics that fit together for us personally. It would take hours for me to explain to other people what is going on for me but saying it like this, at least to my wife who understands AVEN language, is how we have achieved communication around here

 

I am a Heteroromantic Demisexual man whose sexuality presents this way mainly due to my Total Aphantasia. And so that I can experience Sexual Attraction, Desire, Libido etc, I need our lives to be romantic, fun, spiritual, inspiring etc and I need time together where we can experience intellectual, philosophical, creative exchanges so on and so forth. The less stressful the environment the better, and because of memory issues I need to write down the positive stuff going on for me, chat to my Therapist, attend our Support Group and so on.

 

I also need the Nutritional Protocol that has been put together by myself and our Therapist etc that ensure my hormones, brain function and so forth is working at optimal. My wife she has her own way of explaining to me what being Allosexual means for her and that's cool. But I have to say this, neither one of us is right or wrong in this, we are both individuals who are special to each other and learning about each others emotional, romantic and sexual needs is what has enabled us to overcome the madness and sadness that invaded our home

 

Sheila has some great advice for couples that are struggling with the things you are describing, not just on this page but throughout her entire site. Please look at her menu, she offers some really insightful information as to how folk can increase the much needed romance, fun and such, that folk on the Grey Spectrum so often desire

 

https://tolovehonorandvacuum.com/2015/04/hormones-sex-pregnancy-breastfeeding-menopause/

 

And Mark has what I consider to be reliable information for improving libido, anxiety, depression and so forth. Here Mark is talking about breastfeeding but elsewhere on his site he goes more into how to improve sexual desire, libido and so on

 

https://www.marksdailyapple.com/nursing-primal-blueprint-diet/

 

Once again, I have to say that I have zero evidence that anything that I am talking about here works, and I strongly recommend speaking to a doctor if you want to try any of these things out. These things work for my wife and me but just because they do I cannot guarantee they will work for anybody here

 

 

 

[Bookerbakerxyz]

10 hours ago, Marlow1 said:

@Bookerbakerxyz

Once again, I have to say that I have zero evidence that anything that I am talking about here works, and I strongly recommend speaking to a doctor if you want to try any of these things out. These things work for my wife and me but just because they do I cannot guarantee they will work for anybody here

 

 

 

Thank you for all the info! I’m in contact with a doctor who specializes in female sexuality and am just waiting to make an appointment. 

[Marlow1]

@Bookerbakerxyz I don't know if you know my story. I had a brain hemhorrage and they wanted to switch off the machine. My wife said no, and brought me home and usi g Alternative therapies she got me on my feet. It is her that showed me the way regarding the Alternative stuff. I know a little, she knows a lot but she does not post on AVEN, she has her own stuff that she deals with at other sites

 

These things they work, they really do but what we have found at our house is both of us need to be into this recovery stuff. AVEN, more than anywhere has given the language we need to communicate. 

 

We had never heard of Greysexuality and my wife who is a highly visual person with somewhat of a Hyper-Phantasia mind believed all folk thought like her, she had no idea my mind was blind. 

 

I believed she was like me, I had no idea folk could create pictures in their mind and so on. 

 

After the brain hemhorrage, we'll meaning folk told her that my lack of attraction to her would definitely be me looking elsewhere. Wow, can you believe this is what they were telling her??? I can't even do that LOL........... Its OK, she sat just behind me right now, she knows what I have just typed and is laughing

 

Anyway, to cut a long story short we entered therapy, learned about the Aphantasia, found AVEN etc and as if by magic, everything has turned around for us. We really are a success stroy

 

One of the hardest things is avoiding the blame game. It really is so easy to fall into this trap when our sexualities do not match. 

 

Probably the best thing that we ever did was vow to stop doing that. And really focus on seeing both of us as equals. This helped us get rid of a lot of resentment and rebuild the relationship

 

Life is very hard today. There are so many pressures from the outside world, especially on young folk that have children. Years ago there was more help available in many ways for young mums. Folk nursed each others children and so on. 

 

I know I might sound like I am 1000 years old, but seriously, we have seen the pressures on young folk through our own two grown up children. How as they try to raise a family, there is just so much more today that folk need to do, more than we had to, and we found it hard

 

All that I am saying, I guess, is do not give up. It can be so hard for us that fall under the Grey Umberella sometimes, especially with the sex stuff. But with patients and commitment honestly, so much can be achieved, and you are definitely in the right place coming here to AVEN