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Happi

Aromantic and Asexual Or Intimacy Issues?

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Happi

This year, I'm learning all sorts of things about myself and I'm really happy! I feel like I'm getting somewhere. Thanks to this community, I became more sure of and comfortable with how I feel. But with each question I think answer, I feel like more emerge. I realized that I was probably asexual and somewhere on the spectrum of aromatic though that part is still a bit fuzzy. Throughout this journey, there was always a question that I'm sure many people here has asked themselves at least once: why? Why aren't we like what other people consider normal? Why aren't some feelings there or why are they different? I thought a lot about these questions and I've realized something that I thought would be nice to discuss with others. To be clear, I realize that it's very possible that some people are just born like that. But, I'm just questioning if that applies to me as well, is all.

 

The feelings I have when I feel especially drawn to someone are dull in comparison to what a lot of my friends have described. I want to spend time with them and become really close friends! Being around them gives me a warm happy feeling just because I really appreciate every moment I spend with them. It's a bit silly sounding but that's just how it is. I decided that they're romantic feelings, just a little different. But, now that the idea has sunk in, I can't help but wonder if that's all really true. I don't want to make the initial post too long so I'll end my sharing here for now.

 

I would love to talk about my experiences and read about other people's experiences if they have similar worries. I guess I just want to connect with people who might feel the same way and we can explore it together. It's a bit scary alone. I feel really silly and a bit embarrassed to say that but it's true and I can't avoid it. So! If you're comfortable, let's talk!

Edited by Happi
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Galactic Turtle

I guess for me it was just sort of the shock realizing that the rest of the world didn't feel the same way I did about that category of feelings. That still continues to be difficult for me to understand particularly for those who I'm close with. I'm used to being able to relate with friends in most senses but then all of a sudden there's this big chunk of them that I can't make sense of. However I'm set to do what's best for me and have fully embraced a celibate life!

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kenny.

jeez. now i'm starting to question if i'm actually aro/ace or if i just have commitment/intimacy issues. i don't exactly know what to say, simply cause i guess i'm in the same boat, so to speak! it seems to be that, in some cases, the difference in someone being aro/ace vs having these personal issues doesn't exactly matter. this is because either way, the person wouldn't want that type relationship or be interested in one, so as long as they are doing what's most comfortable, i don't really see the difference...

 

good luck to ya though!

 

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Claire1983

I definitely understand that feeling because I do in fact have intimacy issues.  I have social anxiety and was bullied a lot as a kid which has given me some intimacy issues that apply to my friendships as well.  I was in therapy for about a year before I started to question if I could be asexual.  I sometimes have the odd worry that my SSRI meds might be suppressing my sex drive and I'm mistaking that for asexuality, but I've more or less gotten past that and realize that it helped me identify that there was no attraction behind that drive. If you're worried it might be good to see a therapist and talk out out some of your intimacy concerns.  You can be asexual AND have intimacy issues but it can be very helpful to make the distinction.  Other than that, I think it's really just a matter of time and experience.

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Happi
6 hours ago, Galactic Turtle said:

I guess for me it was just sort of the shock realizing that the rest of the world didn't feel the same way I did about that category of feelings. That still continues to be difficult for me to understand particularly for those who I'm close with. I'm used to being able to relate with friends in most senses but then all of a sudden there's this big chunk of them that I can't make sense of. However I'm set to do what's best for me and have fully embraced a celibate life!

!! Good for you!! I'm super glad that you've come to accept these kinds of things. I can definitely relate on uh, not being able to relate to friends. I wanna give them advice but I just don't feel very qualified since I don't deeply understand how they feel. I'm often lost in a lot of conversations about relationships or crushes haha

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Happi
7 hours ago, kenny. said:

jeez. now i'm starting to question if i'm actually aro/ace or if i just have commitment/intimacy issues. i don't exactly know what to say, simply cause i guess i'm in the same boat, so to speak! it seems to be that, in some cases, the difference in someone being aro/ace vs having these personal issues doesn't exactly matter. this is because either way, the person wouldn't want that type relationship or be interested in one, so as long as they are doing what's most comfortable, i don't really see the difference...

For me personally, it's kind of something I want to think about. The possibility that I might be denying myself of something that I would actually love and want if I worked on my issues is kind of scary. Now uh, this isn't meant to scare you too or anything. If you're happy with how things are, then that's all that really matters. Don't let my anxieties affect your own. It's just for me at the moment, the discrepancy of not wanting a relationship but also being a tiny bit sad when someone doesn't reciprocate my barely romantic feelings is making me stress a little and question things in a real way.

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Happi
6 hours ago, Claire1983 said:

I definitely understand that feeling because I do in fact have intimacy issues.  I have social anxiety and was bullied a lot as a kid which has given me some intimacy issues that apply to my friendships as well.  I was in therapy for about a year before I started to question if I could be asexual.  I sometimes have the odd worry that my SSRI meds might be suppressing my sex drive and I'm mistaking that for asexuality, but I've more or less gotten past that and realize that it helped me identify that there was no attraction behind that drive. If you're worried it might be good to see a therapist and talk out out some of your intimacy concerns.  You can be asexual AND have intimacy issues but it can be very helpful to make the distinction.  Other than that, I think it's really just a matter of time and experience.

Yeah I have a friend who has been pushing me REALLY hard to get help for other problems that again, I'm not even sure are there. I know it would help but I'm caught up in so many other things at the moment that I'm just lost. So for now, I'm just trying to roll with the punches. I'll definitely try to explore where that distinction lies. For some reason, I've always been avoidant of physical contact and showing signs of affection, platonic or not. I dunno why but it makes me feel vulnerable so I don't. I don't know if this fear is subconsciously what makes my feelings so dull and if it's the core of my disinterest.  Maybe I'm just afraid of being close to someone. I'm realizing this just tonight so this is kind of challenging everything I've learned to accept. It's a bizarre feeling and I'll have to explore this more.

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kenny.
14 hours ago, Happi said:

The possibility that I might be denying myself of something that I would actually love and want if I worked on my issues is kind of scary.

i definitely see your point. being unsure of whether or not you could actually be missing out on something that has the potential to be something you love, well that is a bit scary to think about. for sure. i wish you all the best in trying to better understand these feelings!

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Nylocke

I know for a fact I am asexual and I also know that most relationships in any sense of speaking(dating, marriage, etc) there is always an expectation of sex. With that being said I do better to be alone because with my dating pool being limited to those who work at supermarkets, department stores, and "church" I feel like what purpose does it serve to merely become human property to someone who's only gonna want me to pop out a bunch of kids to which I would probably be unhappy.

 

And especially christian dudes which my parents kinda push on me and everyone knows all christian dudes are out for making babies because they were taught to be fruitful. My view of humanity is way too negative for me to be in a relationship with anyone at this point and I don't see putting myself in a situation where I'd have to basically endure sex because the husband wants it.

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Happi
On 10/5/2019 at 1:17 PM, kenny. said:

i definitely see your point. being unsure of whether or not you could actually be missing out on something that has the potential to be something you love, well that is a bit scary to think about. for sure. i wish you all the best in trying to better understand these feelings!

Thank you friend!

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Happi
16 hours ago, Nylocke said:

I know for a fact I am asexual and I also know that most relationships in any sense of speaking(dating, marriage, etc) there is always an expectation of sex. With that being said I do better to be alone because with my dating pool being limited to those who work at supermarkets, department stores, and "church" I feel like what purpose does it serve to merely become human property to someone who's only gonna want me to pop out a bunch of kids to which I would probably be unhappy.

 

And especially christian dudes which my parents kinda push on me and everyone knows all christian dudes are out for making babies because they were taught to be fruitful. My view of humanity is way too negative for me to be in a relationship with anyone at this point and I don't see putting myself in a situation where I'd have to basically endure sex because the husband wants it.

I don't know if all people view others that way in relationships. Or, I surely hope not. I don't and I'm certain that there are other people who think similarly. If you're surrounded by people who do, then I can see why you view humanity that way. Do you think if you ever met an asexual person that you really enjoyed being around, you would you consider dating them? Or do you really prefer to be by yourself, no matter what?

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t. Ro

I'm glad to see I'm not the only one who has concerns like this.  I'm not sure mine are entirely the same as yours, but similar I think.

 

I don't wanna recount my entire life story, so I'll just say that I've had a collection of life experiences, from all different times in my life, which I think might be responsible for the fact that I am emotionally distant now.  I'm distant from other people, even my friends, and I find it difficult to totally trust people.  I default to believing that people don't like me.  I'm also distant from myself, in that most of the time I don't feel anything at all, and when I do feel something I'm often confused about what it is and why I'm feeling it.  When I hear other people describe certain feelings I am genuinely confused by the intensity with which they feel them, and by comparison my feelings seem dull.  I've also recently learned from talking to friends that I cry a lot less frequently than they do (as in, several years between instances), not sure if that's another indicator of emotional health or just a personal thing.

 

I wonder if these things all together contribute to my identifying as possibly aro/ace today.  I've never been sexually or romantically attracted to anyone, but is that just because I distrust people and won't let anyone close enough to me?  I don't feel/have never felt a desire for sex but is that just because I've distanced myself from my own feelings?

 

I could ramble on about all this for a long time.  It's been occupying significant space in my head for months.  I'm now confident enough to identify as asexual in spite of my doubts, but I guess all I can do is continue to evaluate how I feel as I work on my emotional issues.

 

A couple things that help me to remember:

 

-As long as you are being true to yourself, your identity is valid, even if it changes later on.  There is no horrible consequence if you decide not to identify as aro/ace in the future.

-I think it is impossible to get through life totally unmarked by the things that happen to us.  We are all the sum of our experiences and how we react to them.  We just gotta try to deal with things in healthy ways.  Plenty of people have been through far worse than I have and didn't end up identifying as asexual.

-This:

On 10/4/2019 at 8:26 PM, Claire1983 said:

You can be asexual AND have intimacy issues but it can be very helpful to make the distinction.

 

As always I seem to be talking more to myself than to anyone else.  DM me if you wanna chat about this though.

-Ro

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maybeimamazed

Thankfully, I've never had any traumatic experiences with sex or romance. I've never been raped, abused or anything of the sort. My parents have been together for almost three decades in a loving relationship. So I've had nothing but good examples.

 

I was sort of bullied in high school (nothing extreme though), but I genuinely feel like I'm over that. I put myself out there when it comes to making new friends. I have good self-esteem. I just don't seek out romance.

 

I take antidepressants, so I did wonder if that might have something to do with my sexuality. I talked to my doctor and we switched the medication, but nothing changed. And those drugs might affect your libido, but not your capacity to fall in love.

 

So yeah, I'm pretty confident that I'm aroace.

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squishward
10 hours ago, t. Ro said:

I'm glad to see I'm not the only one who has concerns like this.  I'm not sure mine are entirely the same as yours, but similar I think.

 

I don't wanna recount my entire life story, so I'll just say that I've had a collection of life experiences, from all different times in my life, which I think might be responsible for the fact that I am emotionally distant now.  I'm distant from other people, even my friends, and I find it difficult to totally trust people.  I default to believing that people don't like me.  I'm also distant from myself, in that most of the time I don't feel anything at all, and when I do feel something I'm often confused about what it is and why I'm feeling it.  When I hear other people describe certain feelings I am genuinely confused by the intensity with which they feel them, and by comparison my feelings seem dull.  I've also recently learned from talking to friends that I cry a lot less frequently than they do (as in, several years between instances), not sure if that's another indicator of emotional health or just a personal thing.

 

I wonder if these things all together contribute to my identifying as possibly aro/ace today.  I've never been sexually or romantically attracted to anyone, but is that just because I distrust people and won't let anyone close enough to me?  I don't feel/have never felt a desire for sex but is that just because I've distanced myself from my own feelings?

 

TW: mention of suicide attempt

 

Oof. I feel this hard. I often wonder if my current lack of interest in dating, relationships, sex etc. is from past recent experiences. I had a 3-year relationship end about a year ago, that started out fine and then progressively got a little more toxic and stressful over time, and we nearly broke up once (before the final actual break up). Then one day I got the call that my boyfriend was in the hospital in a coma from an attempted suicide, less than a week after my dad passed away from terminal brain cancer. Now, I didn’t experience abuse or harm or anything from the relationship that would make me feel distrustful of other future people, but needless to say, that whole time period of stress and 3 years of my dad being sick was somewhat distressing and traumatizing. And just emotionally exhausting. It’s like I’m still recovering from this immense burnout. Which is probably why I feel the same you do, kind of distant from my own feelings and friends, not really able to feel fully present and engaged. 

 

I sort of believe myself to be in the gray area right now, because it leaves me open to any changes one way or the other, and also because I still questioned my orientation a lot even before all these events happened. I think it’s perfectly fine to use a label that fits what you may feel at this moment, even if it might change later, or you discover new things about yourself. Learning about one’s self is a life-long journey, because we’re always changing and growing as we respond to new life experiences. 

 

I just try to take care of my health and happiness first, and worry about all those labels later :) 

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Happi
On 10/7/2019 at 10:51 AM, t. Ro said:

I'm glad to see I'm not the only one who has concerns like this.  I'm not sure mine are entirely the same as yours, but similar I think.

Aa sorry I've been busy with life stuff so I haven't been around to reply sooner. We're not exactly the same but there's definitely a few things I can relate to. I wouldn't say I'm distant from people like the way you described but I can understand how some not-so-great experiences can make that difficult. I've had the same experience where I've heard my friends describe crushes or their feelings towards their partners that is really hard for me to grasp. I'm pretty lost in it all, haha. For me, friendship is as close as two people can get and I really can't imagine anything more like a lot of them have described. Any romantic feelings I've felt have been super dull in comparison and I honestly don't know where they lead me.

 

On 10/7/2019 at 10:51 AM, t. Ro said:

I wonder if these things all together contribute to my identifying as possibly aro/ace today.  I've never been sexually or romantically attracted to anyone, but is that just because I distrust people and won't let anyone close enough to me?  I don't feel/have never felt a desire for sex but is that just because I've distanced myself from my own feelings?


Since creating this topic, I've realized more about myself and a lot of the pieces of the puzzle fit in really well. Although I'm not distant, I would say I'm uncomfortable with physical contact or affection (not necessarily romantic affection, just affection of any kind). It's a bit overwhelming for me which might be because the lack of these things throughout my life and I've only pushed it all farther away. And maybe by proxy I've pushed away a couple other things. So I totally understand the kind of vague possibility that other things in your life have affected how you feel sexually and romantically.

But it's also possible that I was always destined to be this way, either for a period in my life or for the entirety of it. Hard to say but maybe it's worth giving it more time and exploration.

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Happi
On 10/7/2019 at 11:44 AM, maybeimamazed said:

Thankfully, I've never had any traumatic experiences with sex or romance. I've never been raped, abused or anything of the sort. My parents have been together for almost three decades in a loving relationship. So I've had nothing but good examples.

Huh, that is something I've always wondered about. I won't go into it to much but I grew up with parents that never showed affection to each other because the marriage was rocky and unhealthy from the start. They did the whole "stay together for the kids" thing so I never had much of a chance to see an example growing up. I wonder if that has anything to do with this. Also I'm glad you haven't had any of those traumatic experiences. That's always nice.

 

On 10/7/2019 at 11:44 AM, maybeimamazed said:

I take antidepressants, so I did wonder if that might have something to do with my sexuality. I talked to my doctor and we switched the medication, but nothing changed. And those drugs might affect your libido, but not your capacity to fall in love.

 

So yeah, I'm pretty confident that I'm aroace.

That's really nice to hear. Good on you!!

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Happi
On 10/7/2019 at 9:45 PM, squishward said:

TW: mention of suicide attempt

 

Oof. I feel this hard. I often wonder if my current lack of interest in dating, relationships, sex etc. is from past recent experiences. I had a 3-year relationship end about a year ago, that started out fine and then progressively got a little more toxic and stressful over time, and we nearly broke up once (before the final actual break up). Then one day I got the call that my boyfriend was in the hospital in a coma from an attempted suicide, less than a week after my dad passed away from terminal brain cancer. Now, I didn’t experience abuse or harm or anything from the relationship that would make me feel distrustful of other future people, but needless to say, that whole time period of stress and 3 years of my dad being sick was somewhat distressing and traumatizing. And just emotionally exhausting. It’s like I’m still recovering from this immense burnout. Which is probably why I feel the same you do, kind of distant from my own feelings and friends, not really able to feel fully present and engaged. 

 

I sort of believe myself to be in the gray area right now, because it leaves me open to any changes one way or the other, and also because I still questioned my orientation a lot even before all these events happened. I think it’s perfectly fine to use a label that fits what you may feel at this moment, even if it might change later, or you discover new things about yourself. Learning about one’s self is a life-long journey, because we’re always changing and growing as we respond to new life experiences. 

 

I just try to take care of my health and happiness first, and worry about all those labels later :) 

First, I'm really sorry to hear that. That is definitely a traumatic experience and it's over such a long period of time too. Experiences like that can really have an impact on how you feel and view things so it's a possibility that it has influenced your orientation maybe? Hard to say. If you felt that way before, then maybe not! Or it could even be a mixture.

For me, it's less about the label and more about what action I should take so I can take care of my health and happiness like you mentioned. If I'm simply asexual and aromantic, then I don't have much to think about. It is what it is and I'm comfortable with that. I don't think it's a bad thing. But there's definitely a lot of pressure out there to NOT be that way, which is something I can't help on both sides. That's a feeling I think the LGBTQ+ community can relate to. It doesn't feel that great sometimes, in my experience. But if it's all rooted in some issues, then maybe it would be worth working on so I can be happier! Sure, there's a lot of stress that comes from that but if the experience of being with someone is anything like my friends have described, then maybe it's worth the trouble of learning and exploring.

But now that I think about it, it might be good to work on those issues anyway just to improve all relationships (friends, family, etc.).

I think we'll both learn as we go!!

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Cole's Username

One of the things I personally wonder about in terms of my asexuality is whether I was born with it or whether it's environmental. Like maybe my past experiences made me this way and I'm not quite unquote """actually""" asexual. For example I've had plenty of crushes in my past and believe I can experience sexual attraction (kind of wish washy now that I know I'm asexual. I do know for a fact I have no sexual desire,) so I sometimes wonder if I've always been asexual without realizing it or if bad relationship experiences and generally being outed from "the group," believing that I was just the annoying kid people didn't like and not having any female friends for quite a while of my life made me who I am today.

 

I take solace in the fact that it does not fucking matter even a little bit why I'm asexual when I'm well aware of the fact that I am, and that I've had plenty of experiences of not being interested in sex or relationships all throughout my life.

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Chamomile_Serenity
On 10/4/2019 at 8:26 PM, Claire1983 said:

You can be asexual AND have intimacy issues but it can be very helpful to make the distinction.  Other than that, I think it's really just a matter of time and experience.

I agree with this. I believe I have both. I also think intimacy issues and aromanticism are very sticky issues. Anyway, your experience is totally valid. And well, we're all learning as we go!

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Sandfire12

I haven't read through every reply, so someone may have mentioned this already, but a term I found particularly helpful in my own journey has been alterous attraction! It describes feelings that aren't quite romantic nor platonic.

I often feel exactly the same way you do; like my friends are experiencing something I don't quite understand. Like my version of that feeling is diluted, and, well... not quite right, if you get me. I remember really liking this girl a couple years ago, and when I admitted to her that I might like her just a little more than usual, she was like "okay, cool" and I was so relieved. We could keep being friends! I was very happy she hadn't turned me away.

Then, a week or so later, she casually mentioned that I'd never actually asked her out, even when I admitted my feelings. She thanked me for saving her the awkwardness of having to reject me, but all I could think about was how pleased I was that we were still friends - I hadn't even considered asking her to be my girlfriend. 

And that's where the term alterous attraction came in. I learned about it shortly after, and realised that that might be it. Cause you know how people often say "I can't just be friends with them, it would pain me! I would die" etc etc?? Yeah. I never felt like that, and so briefly I wondered if there was something wrong with how I'd felt about her. But there was nothing wrong at all - it was just my version of an experience, and a form of attraction I'm sure not many of my friends can say they'd experience. But that's okay.

Sorry this is so long! The story felt relevant and I think I got carried away, whoops. 

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Nylocke
On 10/7/2019 at 1:48 AM, Happi said:

I don't know if all people view others that way in relationships. Or, I surely hope not. I don't and I'm certain that there are other people who think similarly. If you're surrounded by people who do, then I can see why you view humanity that way. Do you think if you ever met an asexual person that you really enjoyed being around, you would you consider dating them? Or do you really prefer to be by yourself, no matter what?

I've never met another asexual in real life. I did see one chick who had a hat in the colors in public space and didn't have an opportunity to talk to them and there was another that was at a college event and that was it. The only "chance" I have at a relationship is my ex who wants to get back together. He is neither asexual nor a vegan or financially stable but I already know at this point that neither of us can do any better.

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Happi
On 10/18/2019 at 7:17 AM, Cole's Username said:

One of the things I personally wonder about in terms of my asexuality is whether I was born with it or whether it's environmental.

Oh gosh that's a really good way of putting it and I wish I thought of it sooner haha

 

On 10/18/2019 at 7:17 AM, Cole's Username said:

Like maybe my past experiences made me this way and I'm not quite unquote """actually""" asexual. For example I've had plenty of crushes in my past and believe I can experience sexual attraction (kind of wish washy now that I know I'm asexual. I do know for a fact I have no sexual desire,) so I sometimes wonder if I've always been asexual without realizing it or if bad relationship experiences and generally being outed from "the group," believing that I was just the annoying kid people didn't like and not having any female friends for quite a while of my life made me who I am today.

I think it's a bit "wish washy" for a lot of people, including myself. It leaves me a bit confused and frustrated sometimes but I suppose that's just a part of the process. It would be much simpler if things were black and white haha

 

I've had crushes in the past too. I have one right now! It doesn't seem to be like how other people describe it but I know it's there and I don't know what to do about it.

 

But

 

On 10/18/2019 at 7:17 AM, Cole's Username said:

I take solace in the fact that it does not fucking matter even a little bit why I'm asexual when I'm well aware of the fact that I am, and that I've had plenty of experiences of not being interested in sex or relationships all throughout my life.

I'm really glad you're so comfortable and content with it. I'm not sure why I'm not. Guess I'm just afraid of being wrong and afraid of hurting myself in a way? Maybe.

Edited by Happi

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Happi
On 10/18/2019 at 7:04 PM, Chamomile_Serenity said:

I agree with this. I believe I have both. I also think intimacy issues and aromanticism are very sticky issues. Anyway, your experience is totally valid. And well, we're all learning as we go!

 

Ye! Thank you for the encouragement!

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Happi
20 hours ago, Sandfire12 said:

I haven't read through every reply, so someone may have mentioned this already, but a term I found particularly helpful in my own journey has been alterous attraction! It describes feelings that aren't quite romantic nor platonic.

I often feel exactly the same way you do; like my friends are experiencing something I don't quite understand. Like my version of that feeling is diluted, and, well... not quite right, if you get me. I remember really liking this girl a couple years ago, and when I admitted to her that I might like her just a little more than usual, she was like "okay, cool" and I was so relieved. We could keep being friends! I was very happy she hadn't turned me away.

Then, a week or so later, she casually mentioned that I'd never actually asked her out, even when I admitted my feelings. She thanked me for saving her the awkwardness of having to reject me, but all I could think about was how pleased I was that we were still friends - I hadn't even considered asking her to be my girlfriend. 

And that's where the term alterous attraction came in. I learned about it shortly after, and realised that that might be it. Cause you know how people often say "I can't just be friends with them, it would pain me! I would die" etc etc?? Yeah. I never felt like that, and so briefly I wondered if there was something wrong with how I'd felt about her. But there was nothing wrong at all - it was just my version of an experience, and a form of attraction I'm sure not many of my friends can say they'd experience. But that's okay.

Sorry this is so long! The story felt relevant and I think I got carried away, whoops. 

No not at all! Thank you so much for sharing. It really helps people like me to see this.

And I think this is the first time the term "alterous attraction" has been used here. I'll have to read more about it but if it's like what you described, then I can definitely relate.

I guess to share my last experience, I told someone I liked him in that way and he didn't feel anything romantic for me which was okay. As long as we were friends, it didn't bother me much. I was really relieved to get that off my chest since I don't really know how to handle those feelings at all. A bit later, I found that I was a little sad. Not entirely sure why, but I was. I don't know what I would have done if he felt anything for me anyway so it has left me confused. After a couple months of thinking, I decided to make this discussion!

Edited by Happi

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Happi
8 hours ago, Nylocke said:

I've never met another asexual in real life. I did see one chick who had a hat in the colors in public space and didn't have an opportunity to talk to them and there was another that was at a college event and that was it. The only "chance" I have at a relationship is my ex who wants to get back together. He is neither asexual nor a vegan or financially stable but I already know at this point that neither of us can do any better.

Aa, well, it's good to know who you aren't compatible with for sure.

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Sandfire12
23 hours ago, Happi said:

No not at all! Thank you so much for sharing. It really helps people like me to see this.

And I think this is the first time the term "alterous attraction" has been used here. I'll have to read more about it but if it's like what you described, then I can definitely relate.

I guess to share my last experience, I told someone I liked him in that way and he didn't feel anything romantic for me which was okay. As long as we were friends, it didn't bother me much. I was really relieved to get that off my chest since I don't really know how to handle those feelings at all. A bit later, I found that I was a little sad. Not entirely sure why, but I was. I don't know what I would have done if he felt anything for me anyway so it has left me confused. After a couple months of thinking, I decided to make this discussion!

I hope you're feeling better about it all now! Being confused/sad sucks, and if there's anything I can do to help, let me know

And don't worry, you're not alone in not knowing how to handle feelings - I'm on the same boat ahaha

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Happi
On 10/20/2019 at 10:52 PM, Sandfire12 said:

I hope you're feeling better about it all now! Being confused/sad sucks, and if there's anything I can do to help, let me know

And don't worry, you're not alone in not knowing how to handle feelings - I'm on the same boat ahaha

Thank you, friend. I wasn't too sad; sad is a strong word for it, strangely. There was just something I wasn't happy with and it was hard to put my finger on what. I still don't know. I do appreciate the offer but I dunno what would be helpful? I don't mean to say I don't think you can help me. I guess I just dunno where to go with this? I have some ideas on what could be happening but I could be overthinking things like I almost always do. Yeah, I'm lost on what to do.

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Sandfire12
On 10/23/2019 at 9:02 PM, Happi said:

Thank you, friend. I wasn't too sad; sad is a strong word for it, strangely. There was just something I wasn't happy with and it was hard to put my finger on what. I still don't know. I do appreciate the offer but I dunno what would be helpful? I don't mean to say I don't think you can help me. I guess I just dunno where to go with this? I have some ideas on what could be happening but I could be overthinking things like I almost always do. Yeah, I'm lost on what to do.

That is absolutely a mood. It's like, you're sad, but... not sad? I've felt that too. It's so hard to describe

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Happi
3 hours ago, Sandfire12 said:

That is absolutely a mood. It's like, you're sad, but... not sad? I've felt that too. It's so hard to describe

The feeling wasn't strong enough to ruin my day enitrely, but it was enough to bother me. Stressing over why I felt it probably affected me more than the feeling itself since I thought the meaning behind it was more important than the feeling or the intensity of it. Makes it feel like something is under the surface.

 

And after thinking about it, maybe I could explain my thinking in depth and maybe I could get some feedback on it. It might be a relatable experience for others and I'd like to hear if anyone else has followed a similar thought process but I also don't want to force you to reply to something haha

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Nylocke
On 10/20/2019 at 2:16 AM, Happi said:

Aa, well, it's good to know who you aren't compatible with for sure.

 

He at least feels it'll work even though we're ethically incompatible and sexually incompatible. Again he likely realizes he won't find anyone else because someone normal would expect so much more of him. My family still hates him and my mom and sister were talking about buying african shea butter from African people and my sister told mom that they cast spells on the stuff using black magic or something like that. Then my mom suggested that I am probably vexed making it the only reason that I "still talk to him" because I had lead them to believe we weren't a couple for a while before we actually broke up because they had stopped jumping down my throat about it on a regular basis.

 

Even if we were practically on the down low in a long distance relationship it sure beats the crap out of continuously being shamed, chastised, and told how low my standards are on a regular basis.

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