songchick Posted October 3, 2019 Share Posted October 3, 2019 I have recently been feeling sexual, but I hate it. It's not enjoyable, because I really struggle with sexual orientation, like hetero vs. non-hetero. I literally forced myself to masturbate yesterday because I wanted to see what fantasies popped into my head. I have aphantasia also (no mind's eye, I only experience darkness), so I am unable to fantasize about anyone. That's why I am so confused, as well as the ace tendencies. But maybe I'd like it more if I "accepted" my "homosexuality?" I don't want to be gay, I am really afraid of it, and I don't want to be part of the LGBTQ community. I see these people (I live in NYC), and they don't quite feel like my tribe. But maybe I will change? I honestly want the fear, confusion and the physical sensations to go away. Sex seems like a prison. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted October 3, 2019 Share Posted October 3, 2019 You don't have to think of the LGBTQ community as your community or tribe regardless of whether you are gay or not. Participating in a community is your choice, and you are not obligated to like or spend time with people just because you have the same orientation. Forcing yourself to do anything is not a good way to figure yourself out. Better to just do what you want, don't do what you don't want, and let yourself gradually figure things out over time. You don't need to have a label in order to be yourself, and it doesn't matter if you identify as one thing and later figure out you're something else. In the mean time you may benefit from seeing a therapist to work through your hatred of sexual feelings and aversion to potentially being gay. Link to post Share on other sites
songchick Posted October 3, 2019 Author Share Posted October 3, 2019 Thanks all for your support. I like being here in AVEN because I feel safe and encouraged to share my hesitations and fears, instead of feeling coerced into something I don’t feel comfortable with, or ready for. People talk about how it is so freeing and so empowering, determining sexuality, but to me it feels like a death sentence. Failure. And commitment I don’t want. I don’t know where the hell I got these thoughts from, my family is accepting and I have no religious bigotry around me. Just comes from within. Sorry for being repetitive in AVEN, slowly I am figuring things out. Link to post Share on other sites
Charna Posted October 3, 2019 Share Posted October 3, 2019 But it's not a commitment. It's not like you get one chance to identify your sexual orientation, and after that it's "bzzt! now you get to be hetero for the rest of your life, sorry no refunds given". Link to post Share on other sites
œddy Posted October 4, 2019 Share Posted October 4, 2019 14 hours ago, Charna said: But it's not a commitment. It's not like you get one chance to identify your sexual orientation, and after that it's "bzzt! now you get to be hetero for the rest of your life, sorry no refunds given". I want a refund on my heterosexuality because I'm crap at it Link to post Share on other sites
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