aces, if you've never dated, how to tell what you would feel about sex?

[rainbowocollie]

So I'm basically demiromantic, I've rarely experienced romantic attraction. So I've never dated or been in a relationship or anything, and don't desire to. I identify as demisexual as well, but I'm beginning to wonder if I might just be full ace.

Thing is, I do fantasize, just not about myself. I don't know how I would feel in the off chance that I ever found myself in a relationship. Part of me thinks that I would just be like "I can take care of my libido myself, I don't need someone else to do it for me", lol. But I also view sex as an emotional bond thing, at least when it comes to my fictional ships (character pairings). Despite being aro-spec, I do enjoy shipping fictional characters, and view them having sex as being quite romantic and intimate. I'm just....not sure whether I would desire that for myself or not. How can I tell??

 

I think in the (again, off chance) that I ever did date, I would just let my partner know "hey, I might be asexual, I'm not sure I am, but I think it's important that you know that I might be".

[everywhere and nowhere]

I have come to the conclusion that - of all the people who don't have a clear, active desire for sex - determining one's feelings is much easier for sex-averse people. I have never been in a relationship, but I know with full certainty that I don't want to have sex with anyone. It's not even that I'm "uninterested" - I too enjoy imagining it in third person - but the idea of personally having sex is really terrifying for me. I genuinely feel that I simply couldn't do it.

If you don't feel an obvious "NO!" reaction either, you probably aren't sex-averse. But there are indeed many other options. A person who just can't tell how they would feel about sex could be, for example:

- a sex-indifferent asexual,

- demisexual,

- an allosexual (non-asexual) person who only experiences responsive desire.

And so on, these are just the most likely options.

I think it's fair to tell it to the partner beforehand. It doesn't even have to include the term "asexual". You could, for example, say something like: "I don't know how I feel about sex. I believe that I could be fine with it, I'm willing to give it a try, but I feel no active desire for sex at all and I'm not sure what I would feel in an actual sexual situation".

I, in turn, would definitely tell a potential partner that I'm in no way comfortable with sex, that the idea of personally doing it feels very distressing for me and I have no reasons to believe that it would change in a relationship (because what I feel about sex isn't just lack of interest, it's an active fear and extreme discomfort). On the other hand, I'm too rather demiromantic, for me a relationship could only progress from a pre-existing friendship (it just doesn't want to happen... Seriously, as far as I know, nobody has been in love with me - and I'm already almost 40 years old...) - and I'm out as an effectively asexual person, so a potential partner would already know it anyway...

[neverlove]

You might look up “autochorissexual”. 

[Firefly8]

I've dated (very rarely and only 1-2 dates each), but still can't tell what I would feel about sex (or romance). I'm not averse, so I can't prove a negative. I just know that I'm totally content not to have that kind of relationship, don't seek it out, and don't even really think about it. I know I'm different like that. If one day a princess or prince charming woos me, then I'll know what I would feel, I guess. 

[rainbowocollie]

I think for now I'll stick with demisexual since that describes my experience best so far, and if something ever comes up to prove that idea wrong, I'll cross that bridge when I get to it. And of course I'll do as I said in the OP, let any potential partners know I might be full ace. Thanks for the replies!

[Janus the Fox]

I’ve dated and had no feelings toward the romance or sex side of things.  Even after developing a relationship with my SO of nearly 3 years, my feelings on things has stayed the same.  This is a confirmation of my aroace identity.  We still go on ‘dates’ more like days out or for a movie or see each other once or twice a week, however matters of health or family and time allows.