Your tango — I Promise, Being Asexual Doesn't Doom Your Love Life

[Homer]

Quote

Relationships are about a lot more than .

 

If you’ve read the title to this, you can be one of many kinds of people: You may have just stumbled on my little article, or you heard the word "asexual" in passing when walking down the street, or halls of school and just want to be more woke. Maybe you want to understand more of the LGBTQIA+ community, and found this deep in the glossary of terms you should know.

September 30, 2019 — https://www.yourtango.com/2019327932/why-asexuality-being-asexual-doesnt-doom-love-life-romance

[Snao Cone]

I'm glad this one didn't go right into "...because asexuals can have just as much sex as anyone else!" territory. How jaded have I become?

[Homer]

I find it hilarious that it actually says "Relationships are about a lot more than ." More than space? More than full stop?  

[everywhere and nowhere]

13 minutes ago, Snao van der Cone said:

I'm glad this one didn't go right into "...because asexuals can have just as much sex as anyone else!" territory. How jaded have I become?

But still ot very useful for me because of passages such as:

Quote

Compromises are important. If you are someone who doesn’t experience that attraction but isn’t sex averse (meaning you are totally against having sex), then take that into consideration, especially if your partner isn’t asexual.

...because I actually happen to be very much sex-averse.

[Guest]

25 minutes ago, Nowhere Girl said:

...because I actually happen to be very much sex-averse.

Yeah and even for someone who isn't sex averse, sex still becomes a tiring, exhausting chore if you are only doing to try to keep your partner happy even though you don't want it. No one seems to understand how tiring, how exhausting, how draining sex is when it's something you don't want but you're doing it as a 'compromise' (that hardly feels like the right word. You're *sacrificing* your own comfort and mental wellbeing for another person's pleasure; that's what it is).

 

So it always annoys me when I see people talking so casually about how easy sexual compromise should be for someone who isn't sex negative/sex averse/sex repulsed. Um no, if you're actually asexual (meaning you truly have no innate desire for partnered sex) then you will end up drained, exhausted, and unhappy from having to 'compromise' for too long. Might not happen straight away, but it WILL start seeming like a tiring, draining chore after time has passed, and that fosters resentment in the relationship because your partner *needs* this for their own happiness and pleasure, but there's no similar sacrifice they have to suffer through for your peace and happiness. It's the most one-sided 'compromise' in the world Y_Y

[everywhere and nowhere]

16 minutes ago, Pan Ficto. (on hiatus?) said:

So it always annoys me when I see people talking so casually about how easy sexual compromise should be for someone who isn't sex negative/sex averse/sex repulsed. Um no, if you're actually asexual (meaning you truly have no innate desire for partnered sex) then you will end up drained, exhausted, and unhappy from having to 'compromise' for too long. Might not happen straight away, but it WILL start seeming like a tiring, draining chore after time has passed, and that fosters resentment in the relationship because your partner *needs* this for their own happiness and pleasure, but there's no similar sacrifice they have to suffer through for your peace and happiness.

Yes, that's it. It has fortunately never happened to me - I have never been in a relationship and if I was, I would make it clear that I'm simply psychologically unable to have sex. But it always seemed to me that personal attitude about sex is not set in stone and it might shift. And sometimes people who initially considered themselves sex-indifferent find themselves more and more disgusted and resentful, even afraid of intimacy because it can lead to sex...

[Guest]

1 hour ago, Nowhere Girl said:

[Quoted from article]

 

Compromises are important. If you are someone who doesn’t experience that attraction but isn’t sex averse (meaning you are totally against having sex), then take that into consideration, especially if your partner isn’t asexual.

Take that into account? Sure.

 

But "taking it into account" doesn't mean and should never be equal to an expectation of compromise. You do not owe a partner any kind of compromise, and you especially do not owe anyone sex, ever. Fullstop.

[Snao Cone]

1 hour ago, Pan Ficto. (on hiatus?) said:

So it always annoys me when I see people talking so casually about how easy sexual compromise should be for someone who isn't sex negative/sex averse/sex repulsed. Um no, if you're actually asexual (meaning you truly have no innate desire for partnered sex) then you will end up drained, exhausted, and unhappy from having to 'compromise' for too long. Might not happen straight away, but it WILL start seeming like a tiring, draining chore after time has passed, and that fosters resentment in the relationship because your partner *needs* this for their own happiness and pleasure, but there's no similar sacrifice they have to suffer through for your peace and happiness. It's the most one-sided 'compromise' in the world Y_Y

The sustainability of compromise is an issue in many types of relationships, it seems, even between sexual people who aren't equally into the same things. Checking in with partners on their comfort levels and willingness to continue needs to be a more entrenched part of relationships in general, imo. Funny how it's a fundamental part of BDSM relationships but barely acknowledged in some mainstream varieties. 

 

(sorry, off topic) 

[Guest]

16 minutes ago, Snao van der Cone said:

The sustainability of compromise is an issue in many types of relationships, it seems, even between sexual people who aren't equally into the same things. Checking in with partners on their comfort levels and willingness to continue needs to be a more entrenched part of relationships in general, imo. Funny how it's a fundamental part of BDSM relationships but barely acknowledged in some mainstream varieties. 

 

(sorry, off topic) 

Was it you or Skulls who said "Break up early, break up often"?

 

Whoever of you two it was, I was and still am with you on that.

[Snao Cone]

5 minutes ago, Mysticus Insanus said:

Was it you or Skulls who said "Break up early, break up often"?

 

Whoever of you two it was, I was and still am with you on that.

It was me (and still is)

[Homer]

#1 reason for divorce is and will always be "marriage".

[Guest]

37 minutes ago, Snao van der Cone said:

The sustainability of compromise is an issue in many types of relationships, it seems, even between sexual people who aren't equally into the same things. Checking in with partners on their comfort levels and willingness to continue needs to be a more entrenched part of relationships in general, imo. Funny how it's a fundamental part of BDSM relationships but barely acknowledged in some mainstream varieties. 

 

(sorry, off topic) 

It's just that now that I've experienced both sides of the coin, I can say with 100% certainty that there's a MASSIVE difference between compromising in a relationship where you're both into each other sexually compared to the compromise you have to make as someone who doesn't want to have sex and gets nothing out of it. I can't even describe how different it is 😕

 

(PS holy crap, my sentences are the length of entire paragraphs, I really need to work on that Y_Y)

 

Edit: Serran would probably say the same as me re. Compromising when you just don't ever want sex with that person for your own pleasure (due to lacking an innate desire for sex) compared to compromising within a mutually sexual relationship. 

[Duke Memphis]

4 hours ago, Homer said:

#1 reason for divorce is and will always be "marriage".

You get out of a marriage in one of two ways: Divorce and death. And I frankly like being alive.

 

Jokes aside, being a romantic ace really limits my options, which sucks.

[AceMissBehaving]

8 hours ago, Pan Ficto. (on hiatus?) said:

Yeah and even for someone who isn't sex averse, sex still becomes a tiring, exhausting chore if you are only doing to try to keep your partner happy even though you don't want it. No one seems to understand how tiring, how exhausting, how draining sex is when it's something you don't want but you're doing it as a 'compromise' (that hardly feels like the right word. You're *sacrificing* your own comfort and mental wellbeing for another person's pleasure; that's what it is).

 

So it always annoys me when I see people talking so casually about how easy sexual compromise should be for someone who isn't sex negative/sex averse/sex repulsed. Um no, if you're actually asexual (meaning you truly have no innate desire for partnered sex) then you will end up drained, exhausted, and unhappy from having to 'compromise' for too long. Might not happen straight away, but it WILL start seeming like a tiring, draining chore after time has passed, and that fosters resentment in the relationship because your partner *needs* this for their own happiness and pleasure, but there's no similar sacrifice they have to suffer through for your peace and happiness. It's the most one-sided 'compromise' in the world Y_Y

Yeah I think sometimes there is an idea that being ok with sex, essentially functions the same as just a low sex drive in a sexual person, but it really doesn’t.

 

For me at least the low frequency of how often can do it is a lot less to do with just not thinking about it (which is still part of it) and a lot more to do with the fact it is sadly still depleting. 

 

It takes a while to be able to refill and be able to do it again, no matter how much I want to make my person happy.

 

I will say that I do still see it as a compromise. For example I know that in the beginning physical closeness like cuddle sessions would be frustrating for my partner when they wouldn’t ever be an avenue to sex, they have definitely worked against their own desires and comfort in that and other ways to meet my needs in the relationship. Also they have a lot less sex than they would want, and have had to learn to adjust to that. It’s definitely hard on both sides, but yeah, I think the idea of compromise is often painted  as a much smaller deal than it actually is. 

[Guest]

37 minutes ago, AceMissBehaving said:

I think the idea of compromise is often painted  as a much smaller deal than it actually is. 

My issue is more that the compromise an ace makes is often painted the SAME WAY as compromise within a mutually sexual relationship. Having been on both sides of that I can say for a fact they're very, very different.

 

For example, if a sexual has to go without having sex, ever, as their compromise (as the flip-side for the ace having to have sex all the time as their compromise), the sexual will feel that's a very, very different compromise than the kind they'd have to do within a mutually sexual relationship. Hope that makes sense

[everywhere and nowhere]

4 hours ago, Pan Ficto. (on hiatus?) said:

My issue is more that the compromise an ace makes is often painted the SAME WAY as compromise within a mutually sexual relationship. Having been on both sides of that I can say for a fact they're very, very different.

BUt I would still also largely agree with @AceMissBehaving: "compromise" is portrayed as no big deal also because, in today's culture, sex itself is portrayed as no big deal. And it's a very harmful attitude. For the vast majority of people sex will always remain a serious thing (and, again, by "serious" I don't mean "no fun allowed") which can't be done for trivial reasons.

Unfortunately, it greatly increases the "share" of unwanted sex overall. If sex is no big deal, then people "should" decide more easily to have sex. It may really create an impression that refusing if the partner is trying to pressure you is not right, refusing because you only have been dating for two weeks is not right... and so on, because what's the deal, why can't you just do it?

It's astonishing how, under all that glorification of sexual pleasure, the "grind your teeth and get throught it" mentality still persists...

Obviously, my own sex aversion makes the idea of sex as "no big deal" even more astonishing for me. For me it's a huge deal, I cannot imagine any circumstances which could make me consent to sex.

[DarkStormyKnight]

I don't know I thought it was cute, maybe someone just coming out needs an article like this. Although there is so much nuance to compromising and relationships in general.

[Moon6Shadow]

On 10/1/2019 at 7:27 AM, Snao van der Cone said:

The sustainability of compromise is an issue in many types of relationships, it seems, even between sexual people who aren't equally into the same things. Checking in with partners on their comfort levels and willingness to continue needs to be a more entrenched part of relationships in general, imo. Funny how it's a fundamental part of BDSM relationships but barely acknowledged in some mainstream varieties. 

 

(sorry, off topic) 

On topic!

One of the things I love about well written BDSM is, is how in tune the people are with each other and how consent and communication and ensuring people are physically and mentally okay with literally everything that is happening is a fundamental part of the relationship/s. There is such a focus on the emotional relationship/s and emotional well being. ❤️

 

On 10/1/2019 at 6:06 AM, Pan Ficto. (on hiatus?) said:

Yeah and even for someone who isn't sex averse, sex still becomes a tiring, exhausting chore if you are only doing to try to keep your partner happy even though you don't want it. No one seems to understand how tiring, how exhausting, how draining sex is when it's something you don't want but you're doing it as a 'compromise' (that hardly feels like the right word. You're *sacrificing* your own comfort and mental wellbeing for another person's pleasure; that's what it is).

 

So it always annoys me when I see people talking so casually about how easy sexual compromise should be for someone who isn't sex negative/sex averse/sex repulsed. Um no, if you're actually asexual (meaning you truly have no innate desire for partnered sex) then you will end up drained, exhausted, and unhappy from having to 'compromise' for too long. Might not happen straight away, but it WILL start seeming like a tiring, draining chore after time has passed, and that fosters resentment in the relationship because your partner *needs* this for their own happiness and pleasure, but there's no similar sacrifice they have to suffer through for your peace and happiness. It's the most one-sided 'compromise' in the world Y_Y

Thank you for the story and education. ❤️

 

On 10/1/2019 at 7:06 AM, Mysticus Insanus said:

Take that into account? Sure.

 

But "taking it into account" doesn't mean and should never be equal to an expectation of compromise. You do not owe a partner any kind of compromise, and you especially do not owe anyone sex, ever. Fullstop.

Yep. Personally I tend to think of myself as 'sex-neutral' because I'm typically okay with talking or reading about sex in general, I might be mildly sexually repulsed to mature scenes or gifs with real people/actors but I'm not actually sexually repulsed at the idea of having sex, it's just a very firm NO. The idea of pushing it? Yeah, it switches to discomfort in a heart beat. So if we're talking about actually physically having partnered sex I'm probably sex repulsed but I don't typically identify that way because I can talk about sex etc. without issue. (Although thinking about actual real life partnered sex and myself in the same sentence is discomforting. I just want me over here and sex all the way over there. That would be great.)

 

Basically some people might not be sexually repulsed, or consider themselves as such, unless you actually push against their comfort zone so you also need to be mindful of where those comfort zones are if you're planning for things outside their comfort zone, or going into unexplored territory they haven't figured out yet. Also, it's not 'just' something they dislike, or not a fan of, it could be something they might really have to push, or force, themselves to do. Which as pointed out above is not a great position to be in.

-

I really like the inserted 'Ask An Asexual Person' video and how they had multiple different responses for each question. ❤️

 

Quote

Do asexuals get aroused sexually? [...] Just because they don't want to do anything with it doesn't mean the equipment isn't in functioning order.

Quote

Do asexual people masturbate? [...] It's usually not quite a sexual thing, it's more of a physical thing.

❤️ There is nothing sexy about being annoyed about taking care of bodily functions.

 

Some people might like masturbating but whether they do, or don't, having 'mutual masturbation sessions' or sex whenever the libido kicks in is not garenteed even if an ace has a libido. They didn't fully cover that but they did at least touch on 'libido and/or masturbating doesn't mean sexual' which was nice.