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Defining Sexual Attraction


Anommamous

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Greetings, all!

 

There's a lot of debate over defining asexuality, and I feel a lot of this confusion stems from the fact that there's no clear definition for sexual attraction.

 

Definitions I've found online for sexual attraction include the following: 

1. Attraction on the basis of sexual desire or the quality of arousing such interest.

2. Attractiveness on the basis of sexual desire

 

As you can see, the phrase we're attempting to understand is used again in its own definition, thereby defeating the purpose. Therefore, I sought out definitions for attraction not necessarily restricted to that of a sexual nature.

 

Definitions I've found include:

1. The action or power of evoking interest, pleasure, or liking for someone or something.

2. A quality or force of someone or something that tends to pull others in or create interest in the person or thing.

 

Putting these together, we get the gist that sexual attraction is experienced when desire to have sex is elicited by particular qualities of the attractive party.

 

Some of you are probably thinking, "Well that didn't clear up anything, we're right back where we started!" Which brings us to the purpose of this thread (which I was surprised to find was not yet a thing).

 

To those who know they have experienced sexual attraction, or the active desire to have sex with a particular entity, I put forth the question: how would you define sexual attraction? If you can't define it, then please explain how you know when you're feeling sexual attraction (if you are comfortable with doing so); i.e. do your loins get all tingly? Is it all physical, or not at all? Is it an idea that swims around in your head? Be as detailed as you're comfortable with!

 

Remember, this is about active desire for sex! Undirected libido is not in question here.

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My apologies if this isn't the appropriate location for this discussion. I just made this account and am unsure where it belongs.

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:) Hi, and welcome! :cake:

 

Generally, when asexuals have questions for sexuals about what sexual attraction is, the threads are put in the "Sexual Partners, Friends, and Allies" Forum (it's, usually, where they hang out, so they'd be more likely to see your question, there).

 

It's okay, though; these mistakes happen, as it's a big forum, with a lot of subforums. If you'd like a moderator to move your thread for you, they can.

 

Is this what you were looking for?

 

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5 minutes ago, InquisitivePhilosopher said:

:) Hi, and welcome! :cake:

 

Generally, when asexuals have questions for sexuals about what sexual attraction is, the threads are put in the "Sexual Partners, Friends, and Allies" Forum (it's, usually, where they hang out).

 

Is this what you were looking for?

 

Thanks! Is there any way I can move it to that location?

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9 minutes ago, Anommamous said:

Thanks! Is there any way I can move it to that location?

You're welcome. Unfortunately, no; only moderators can move threads.

 

I understand what you mean, though; there have been a few times where I wished I had the ability to move threads without having to bother the moderators.

 

I can tag them for you.

 

@Homer @OptimisticPessimist @Una Salus Victus @daveb @Road

Hi! Are there any Admods available to move this thread to the "For Sexual Partners, Friends and Allies" Forum," for the OP? Thank you.

 

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34 minutes ago, InquisitivePhilosopher said:

You're welcome. Unfortunately, no; only moderators can move threads.

 

I understand what you mean, though; there have been a few times where I wished I had the ability to move threads without having to bother the moderators.

 

I can tag them for you.

 

@Homer @OptimisticPessimist @Una Salus Victus @daveb @Road

Hi! Are there any Admods available to move this thread to the "For Sexual Partners, Friends and Allies" Forum," for the OP? Thank you.

 

 

done :) 

 

p.s. oh, @InquisitivePhilosopher, I don't consider it a bother at all. :) 

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rainbowocollie

So like, I think there's being specifically sexually attracted to someone, and then there's the general desire to connect with others sexually. I think you can experience one or both of these. Like, you can have a general desire for sexual connection and it just not "latch" onto anybody until the right circumstances are met--for some, they might feel this attraction to total strangers. For others, they might never feel it for anybody in particular until they form some sort of emotional connection. But regardless, they still desire sexual connection whether it's directed at anyone or not, which in my book makes them sexual.

(I think of what I described as different from demisexual, because someone who is demisexual can be in a relationship with someone they're romantically attracted to and the desire for sex takes anywhere from months to years to show up, which is....atypical from the majority of allosexuals, to my understanding.)

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@questdrivencollie So you're meaning to say that simply wanting sex makes a person sexual?

 

In just looking up these definitions, I realized that I and many others were overcomplicating it. It's exactly as you say, if I simplified it correctly! It doesn't matter whether the desire is physical or mental, as long as the sex is specifically wanted.

 

People will point to asexuals wanting to have sex to please their partner, or feel close emotionally; but that's just it. It's not the sex they actually want, it's those end goals! Asexuals would be just as happy, or happier, meeting those end goals without sex if at all possible.

 

In short, I agree with you.

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everywhere and nowhere

@Anommamous - there have been, in fact, a lot of topics about "what is sexual attraction???". Some even recently.

So let me offer my own definition of sexual attraction - because I define it in a way which should be considered non-standard on this forum and based on this lmited definition, I consider myself to experience sexual attraction. (Which makes me asexual according to one definition and allosexual according to another, but more on that below.) I insist on using this kind of definition for myself partially because it's quite provocative, but also this is in act what I feel about this issue.

 

For me, sexual attraction is the interest in some person, influenced by their qualities (such as personality, appearance, or even just some kind of "aura" a person emanates), which has sexual characteristics such as arousal.

What distinguishes it from esthetic attraction is the presence of sexual arousal. What distinguishes it from sexual desire is that it's not yet desire as such - it can lead to desire, and perhaps usually does, but still, the way I define it: also people who don't desire sex (or, the effectively asexual) may experience sexual attraction in such a limited way, stopping short of actual desire.

 

I consider myself to experience sexual attraction in such a way. I have a libido and can become aroused by a specific person (real or fictional), but I never desire sex. I simply can't, I find the idea of actually having sex so distressing that I can't want such a thing to happen to me. Instead, for me attraction leads to other forms of inner psychosexual activity, particularly third-person fantasies. See: I'm sex-averse to the point of not being able to fantasise in first person (which is, anyway, probably more typical for people who have a libido, but are actively sex-averse without being outright sex-repulsed - that is, having a generalised negative reaction to anything sexual. I have seen people who seem sex-averse and yet fantasise in first person, but probably most sex-averse people don't).

The one factor which limits my definition is precisely the influence of sex aversion: perhaps also for me sexual attraction would lead to sexual desire if not for my sex aversion. So, in turn, it would mean that generally speaking, sexual attraction does lead to sexual desire and in my case it doesn't only because of my sex aversion. It is plausible - it would just mean that I experience sexual attraction in an atypical way (which doesn't mean "broken". For me sexualities which don't include actual sexual contact or desire for sexual contact fit within the area of "non-pathological sexuality" - still, I don't even want to use the word "normal", it's becoming more and more repulsive to me), but that in more typical cases sexual attraction and sexual desire are closely tied. Still I don't consider them exactly the same even under the more "official" definition - attraction is more like the stimulus, desire  - the result.

 

Anyway, problems with defining sexual attraction lead also to problems with the definition of asexuality. The official definition says that "an asexual person is someone who doesnt experience sexual attraction". The most popular of a few alternative definitions says that "an asexual person is someone who doesn't experience desire for partnered sex". In fact, I support switching to that one. Not just because it makes me asexual and the official one doesn't (I can do fine with identifying just as "sex-averse" or "a person who doesn't want to have sex"), but also because it's less confusing. A lot of people have trouble understanding what is sexual attraction and, therefore, are also confused about whether they experience it. In contrast, it's usually much easier for a person to say whether they feel a desire to have sex or not. For most asexual people the answer is a clear "NO!". I have come to realise that it can, nevertheless, mean at least two different things - from a state which could accurately be described as "lack of desire" (for the more sex-indifferent pople) to an active rejection (for the more sex-averse). For me sexual non-desire is active - I don't just lack desire, I actively don't want to ever have sex because of its characteristics.

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@Nowhere Girl It could be that I made a navigation error because I'm new to this site, but when I searched up definitions for sexual attraction I found no dedicated discussions on the topic; only responses on other threads mentioned it.

IMO, some of what you say is still overcomplicating things. For example, being sex-indifferent and being sex-repulsed are still, at their core, a lack of desire for sex.

I hope you don't think I'm trying to devalue what you're saying, though! Things like this can be and are very nuanced and complicated.

For example, I can appreciate you separating sexual attraction and sexual desire into two separate stages. As you describe it, they are at their core two different ideas.

Thank you for your input!

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9 hours ago, Nowhere Girl said:

Anyway, problems with defining sexual attraction lead also to problems with the definition of asexuality. The official definition says that "an asexual person is someone who doesn't experience sexual attraction". The most popular of a few alternative definitions says that "an asexual person is someone who doesn't experience desire for partnered sex". In fact, I support switching to that one. Not just because it makes me asexual and the official one doesn't (I can do fine with identifying just as "sex-averse" or "a person who doesn't want to have sex"), but also because it's less confusing. A lot of people have trouble understanding what is sexual attraction and, therefore, are also confused about whether they experience it. In contrast, it's usually much easier for a person to say whether they feel a desire to have sex or not. For most asexual people the answer is a clear "NO!". I have come to realise that it can, nevertheless, mean at least two different things - from a state which could accurately be described as "lack of desire" (for the more sex-indifferent pople) to an active rejection (for the more sex-averse). For me sexual non-desire is active - I don't just lack desire, I actively don't want to ever have sex because of its characteristics.

As you can see, if you ask 100 people on this forum, you will receive 100 different answers.

 

My advice when it comes to defining if you are asexual or not is the following (at least, that worked for me): Read a book and/or some threads to get a general idea of what asexuality is (supposed to be). Then, don't ask anyone about whether u are or not an asexual, don't stick with labels, don't stick with definitions, don't post questions on forums. Asexuality is not like the other three orientations. There's a lot of searching for feelings deep inside you. One thing you always need to keep in mind: Whether you are happy and not distressed which derives from this lack of sexual desire, lack of sex or call it whatever you want (depending on YOUR definition of asexuality). If you are feeling unhappy and/or distressed, then "Houston, we've got a problem". 

 

This is what I have done and I identified myself as......what I am anyway (since I don't like labels and definitions) 

(the above statements are strictly personal, not general statements that apply to every"asexual" person)

1] First of all, I NEVER EVER felt any sort of sexual, romantic, intellectual, sensual, aesthetic* or any other kind of attraction to men.

*with the exception maybe of Timothy Dalton, but he looks so damn well..... :D :D 

2] I have accepted the fact that if I never ever had sex again in my life, that would be NO problem at all. And this doesn't causes me any distress. This is crucial.

3] I can live without porn anymore or masturbation. This also doesn't causes me any distress at all or feeling that something is "missing" (probably being in my 40's helped with low libido)

4] I put my energy on other things in life (hobbies and friendships). That makes me feel fulfilled. :)

5] I stopped worrying if I'm beautiful or ugly.

6] I know that I can live without a woman as a partner. I feel kinda bored when it comes to romance. But I'm kissing and hugging neutral. This doesn't causes me any distress or feelings of "something's missing"

7] And, every time I meet a woman in real life, if it happens (I never push questioning myself for every woman I meet, IF I feel something. I just let it go. That would be too obsessive) to feel something (usually I feel neutral for women) for that specific woman, which I can't explain what the heck is (because sometimes it's very obvious....like aesthetic appreciation, intellectual appreciation etc and sometimes it's not, but that depends on how "trained" is the individual to distinguish it), I ALWAYS, ALWAYS, ALWAYS, make a "step-back" for 1 second and question myself: "SEX WITH HER?". The answer is always NEGATIVE.  And when I said "sex" I mean, one man, one woman, naked in the same room, touching themselves and having an intercourse that will lead to orgasm. (this is what I consider as "partnered sex")

 

Keep in mind that: I don't have any serious problems in my life, I'm healthy (mentally and physically), I have self-esteem, thick skin, strong mind.

 

Also, I would like to mention that number 2] MAYBE someday will change. Maybe not. Maybe someday in the far future, I will start to feel that I want to have sex. Maybe I will never start to feel that way. It IS a possibility though. I can't be 100% sure that this will NEVER happen. But this possibility doesn't gives me any distress.

 

Good luck to your quest. 

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Hi Folks, 

 

I know that my posts are becoming long winded, I am genuinely trying to make them less detailed. I do know how annoying this can be. I am seriously working on this!!!! 

 

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@Marlow1 You sure have been through a lot! I admire your strength ❤️ Thank you so much for sharing.

@Chris_Kappa You are absolutely right! 100 people will provide 100 different definitions. This thread is meant to gather data and hopefully provide a baseline idea for the community. It isn't intended to help me.

That being said, I can absolutely identify with most of the examples you both have provided. Thanks again for sharing!

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This thread in census might be of interest

 

 

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