Can someone naturally monogamous become polyamorous

[Guest]

Title says it all. I'm curious about my feelings as some who is grey-romantic and demisexual. I wonder if I'm capable of being in a poly relationship (a tight knit three way, not an open relationship). I wonder if it's possible to be in love with two people. For me it's not really the monogamy that is hardwired into me, more that people are overwhelming in of themselves. So I'd say I'm poly-positive but unsure if my feelings are capable of doing such things. 

[Puck]

As I've been told, monogamy and polyamory are relationship styles, rather than personal identities such as sexualities. So sure, people can try different styles out. Some styles work better for some people, others work better for other people.

 

What you'd want to do probably is learn more about poly. Monogamy comes "easier" to some because it's ingrained so deeply in most cultures that we are being taught how to build a good monogamous relationship because it's seen as "the norm." A lot of things that are good for a good monogamous relationship is going to be great for a poly one too (i.e. building trust, making commitments, open communication...). But other things need to be redefined (if it's not "cheating" to have sex or be emotionally intimate with another person, where are our specific boundaries? Are we agreeing to only be a truple or are we allowed to add more? Are we all to date each person in the relationship, or are we allowed to have our own parters outside of this group?).

 

So, sure, you can give a go at trying a relationship style that's not the one you pictured yourself in. Just do your research and always be open and honest with yourself and your partner(s) with whether or not the arrangement you have is working for you and/or what you are feeling about it.

 

Good luck and I hope you get all the support and care that you hope to get from a relationship; in this one or others

[anisotrophic]

I thought I was naturally monogamous until I fell in love with a second person a couple years ago. That has been unfulfilled in a romantic sense, and yet I remain close to this person in a non-romantic, long term way. And I'm still in love with them, and I've not lost any sense of love with my spouse. It's not very painful, mostly a great joy. I feel really lucky to have as much as I do.

 

@Puck no, I don't think polyamory can accurately be called a relationship style choice. You can't really control falling in love. My spouse and I had an "open" relationship when we first dated fifteen years ago but neither had much inclination to exercise it, so it was just sort of... monogamy as a result of natural behavior. Hence my "I thought I was naturally monogamous" statement.

 

@KrysLost my retrospective theory is now that I'm capable of polyamory, but only after one relationship has reached a very settled, long term state -- leaving me vulnerable to limerance with a new person. Apparently that lasted well over a decade... and then I was blindsided by falling in love when it did happen.

[Guest]

As someone who is naturally poly (and no, it's no more of a "relationship style choice" than being gay is a "lifestyle choice")...

 

Feel free to try, an open mind is commendable, but don't blame yourself if you find out it's not for you and you can't do it. You are who you are.

[Alejandrogynous]

I think there are people who are naturally monogamous and people who are naturally poly and that trying to force yourself into a relationship type that doesn't suit you can be really difficult, but I also think a lot of people are "naturally monogamous" because that's what they've always known and it's how they've been taught their whole lives to conceptualize relationships. If you're curious about a poly relationship, give it a try. You might end up liking it more than you think, and if not, that's completely fine too. 

[Guest]

As someone who tried to be poly and failed ...

 

For me monogamy is completely my natural state. I want one person. If I do develop feelings for someone else, the ones for the first disappear. And a relationship where I am monogamous and my partner is not... just does not appeal. Wouldn't feel fair and balanced. I would feel not special, while they were my special person. Just bleh. 

 

But, some are naturally mono, others naturally poly and yet others flexible. So do what feels right. 

[Guest]

im a bit flexible i'd say.

[Iam9man]

I think a naturally monogamous person could learn to like a polyamorous relationship as a lifestyle choice (under the right circumstances), just as I being naturally polyamorous have learnt to like a monogamous relationship as a lifestyle choice.

[Philip027]

Then you've got people like me, who are technically polyamorous (they can have romantic feelings toward more than one person at a time) but effectively monogamous (they only want to actually pursue a relationship with one of those people at any given time).  They aren't necessarily mutually exclusive (and there is a difference between polyamory and polygamy :p)

[Guest]

On 9/30/2019 at 12:25 PM, KrysLost said:

Title says it all. I'm curious about my feelings as some who is grey-romantic and demisexual. I wonder if I'm capable of being in a poly relationship (a tight knit three way, not an open relationship). I wonder if it's possible to be in love with two people. For me it's not really the monogamy that is hardwired into me, more that people are overwhelming in of themselves. So I'd say I'm poly-positive but unsure if my feelings are capable of doing such things. 

No. If you're innately monogamous you're always going to be that way.

 

If you find you can also enjoy polyamory, that means you were ALWAYS innately polyamorous and had just never had a chance to discover that previously. You also may be someone who can enjoy both equally.

 

But an innately monogamous person will always be innately monogamous.

[Guest]

On 9/30/2019 at 12:51 PM, Puck said:

monogamy and polyamory are relationship styles, rather than personal identities such as sexualities.

I just have to say that while you can try different styles, monogamy and polyamory are innate identities the same way sexuality is It is only a 'relationship style' for someone who is already innately flexible, therefore they can choose which they prefer (like a bi person can choose which gender they want to be with in a way a straight person cannot).

[Skycaptain]

Same as almost everything to do with sex and sexuality, even if it's uncommon it's bound to have happened to someone. 

[bare_trees]

On 9/29/2019 at 7:53 PM, Mysticus Insanus said:

As someone who is naturally poly (and no, it's no more of a "relationship style choice" than being gay is a "lifestyle choice")...

This, because everyone I've ever known who's poly has told me that it's a part of their identity just like being gay, asexual, and so on.  

 

But it stands to reason that you could assume you're monogamous most of your life (it is the default in our society, after all), but realize at some point that you're poly.

[Guest]

13 minutes ago, bare_trees said:

But it stands to reason that you could assume you're monogamous most of your life (it is the default in our society, after all), but realize at some point that you're poly.

Sure. After all, that happens to people who mistake themselves for straight, and find out they're gay (or ace) later in life, too.

[GlamRocker]

I don't know where I stand on whether this is innate or not. But I can say this... I suggested we open our relationship, in my marriage, many times. I want my husband to be as happy as possible, he identifies as a sexual person, and I prefer not to have sex. I don't feel threatened by the new, potential partners he could have outside of our marriage because I personally have never had sex affect me in such a way that it made me feel "in love" with someone. Probably because I'm asexual, and sex doesn't do anything for me. So I may be naive and not understand how a sexual person can be affected by sex, and could have been setting my relationship up for turmoil without knowing it. But I'm not a cowardly wife! I am VERY AWARE that I experience compersion, as I experience joy from others' joy, particularly my loved ones, in a general and profound way. And I still feel comfortable with my husband enjoying sex with other people.

 

But he IS NOT. He finds the idea repulsive, degrading, I don't really know what. I swear other people think sex is so serious. I think sex is as about as meaningful as eating ice cream. And I expect it is about as enjoyable as eating ice cream for sexual people, as well! This really does seem to be a mysterious difference between myself and many others, including my own husband!

[Guest]

10 hours ago, GlamRocker said:

But he IS NOT. He finds the idea repulsive, degrading, I don't really know what. I swear other people think sex is so serious. I think sex is as about as meaningful as eating ice cream. And I expect it is about as enjoyable as eating ice cream for sexual people, as well! This really does seem to be a mysterious difference between myself and many others, including my own husband!

Oh it's because for sexual people, it's not just about the physical feelings. If it was just about the way sex feels physically, they could just masturbate!! But there is a huge emotional side of sex that most aces never experience (not during sex anyway). It releases all these 'pleasure' hormones/chemicals through the sexual persons body than can be described a bit like drugs but without bad side effects. Emotionally, it's a deeply intimate, pleasurable, and bonding experience for many sexuals. It's very hard for many of them to just have casual sex with randoms because there's a very high chance an emotional bond will start to form, and many actually need that bond *before* they can even try to have sex with another person to begin with! (meaning that would be an immediate issue of trying to open a relationship, because you may end up loving the sexual partner more as a direct result of the emotional bond sex can create). If sex was just physical and nothing else, most people wouldn't give a crap about it because meh, why bother if you can just masturbate? But it's the deeply pleasurable, rewarding emotional side of sex that draws sexual people to want it, and makes it very important for them. So that's probably where your husband is coming from with regards to his feelings about sex and not wanting to seek it elsewhere!

[Marlow1]

@KrysLostNo, in my case, I am absolutely certain that I could not fall in love with anybody else.

[Guest]

The way I see it, it's one's choice to enter into a poly relationship if it isn't their natural inclination. So long as they know what they're getting into and get what they need out of it...for the most part...then, really they could do it. I think the best way to handle that would be to not have other expectations (hoping the relationship will eventually turn monogamous along the way). 

 

It's not something I'd enter lightly.

 

Although, being stritcly monogamous, I wouldn't bother with a poly relationship, whatever my feelings are for a man. It's a fundamental incompatibility, for me.