I wanna tell my therapist that I'm asexual but I'm worried about his reaction

[NylaTheWolf]

I wanna tell my therapist that I’m happy I figured out that I’m asexual and how happy and comfortable I feel with the label and all. But I’m worried that he’s going to be like “Oh you’re too young!” (I’m 15) “That’s not real” “It must be the Paxil", “It must be your OCD and/or your germ obsessions” (I mean...he wouldn’t be completely wrong there) or otherwise denying that I’m asexual. He’s a great, very lax/ therapist and I don’t wanna leave him over this, but I know that if he says anything like that I’m going to feel shitty.

My OCD would certainly love to obsess over whether I’m asexual or not...

It doesn’t help that the main reason I’m sex repulsed is because one of my obsessions is germs, and sex=germs

 

[Blissful_Sins]

Take other peoples advice into consideration too but when I told my therapist and my psychology professor that I'm asexual, psych prof said that's not a real thing and I'm just conservative or repressed or idk and my therapist said she thinks that it's because something in my childhood happened or I'm afraid to have sex or idk, don't tell him-

[everywhere and nowhere]

My opinion is that, first of all, a person should have free choice about how far and in what direction they are willing to go in psychotherapy. Any good therapist should recognise that and avoid imposing their own values on the client. Some psychological and mental health issues may not only coincide, but also interfere and interact with asexuality, may even be its source - but as long as a person accepts their orientation and doesn't want it to change, a therapist should respect that and avoid pushing their client to overcome asexuality-related problems.

While I'm fairly distrustful of psychologists, psychiatrists and even more of pharmacotherapy of mental issues (no, I'm not saying that "People Shouldn't Use It"... I'm simply saying that I wouldn't want to, I don't want to take something which would make me calm, happy and incapable of experiencing Intensity) and therefore haven't visited any therapists since school age, I have some similar issues. I have a "problem" which for me feels like the most important reason for my effective asexuality: extreme discomfort with nudity. I don't know if I would have been interested in having sex and willing to have sex if I wasn't so nudity-averse. Maybe yes, maybe - after all - still no. But still it remains a fact that I wouldn't like my feelings to change. For several reasons, including a very pragmatic one: my nudity aversion is so strong, so lifelong, that trying to overcome it would be torture. I tremble at the thought of trying to "desensitise" myself to so-called "casual nudity". I don't want to do such things to myself, and since I anyway simply don't perceive it as a problem, don't wish to be psychologically capable of having sex - I have no reasons to change it. So I would absolutely expect a hypothetic therapist (as I already expect other forum users) to respect the fact that I may not be strictly speaking asexual, but I like being effectively asexual and refuse trying to change it.

[intensivecoffee]

I kinda agree with @Nowhere Girl, a good therapist should be understandable. It's not really about opinions, more like exploring what's going on inside and why. In the end, nobody can force you to do anything unless you want to. But I get why you're worried, I'd say give it a shot anyway.

 

In my case I guess I was lucky, as it was actually my therapist who suggested to me that I might be an ace. During one of the sessions, it came up that I never really thought about my sexuality. It wasn't like - well you're asexual plz go and have no sex, two times a day thx bye - she just encouraged me to give it some thought, read up and explore. I'm still not sure if I feel like it's a right label for me.

[Iam9man]

Some therapists are open minded, some are not. Possibly a good way to judge whether they can truly help you or not?

 

I’m working on the assumption that my repulsion to oral sex is part asexuality and part germ phobia (OCD).

[GlamRocker]

This subject kills me because I know if I ever told a doctor about this, they're going to get all stupid on me- STAT! I can't WAIT to answer a bunch of ridiculous questions from a person who's supposed to be giving ME answers... When the subject of sexual activity comes up with any doctor, I just tell them I haven't had sex. Then they ask, "Could you be pregnant?" "No, the sex was more than ten years ago, that'd be a big baby." And other comedic answers of the like. They usually move on quickly after a slightly confused, sometimes uncomfortable laugh. A doctor once told me that he understood, at his age he'd rather have a sandwich. LOL

 

[AceMissBehaving]

I only recently told my therapist, I had a lot of similar concerns. The way it went down was she respectfully asked a few questions, things related to the fact I was on new medications, had stopped taking birth control etc, but once I said that this was something that pre-dated those changes by a lot, and that it wasn’t something that troubled me or that I was looking to change, she accepted it and has been great. 
 

Being able to have an open dialog about it with her has been hugely helpful, and I find I have been able to get more out of my therapy sessions by being open and honest with her about these things.

 

That said not everyone will have this same experience, but it’s certainly something worth at least trying to talk about.

[NylaTheWolf]

I guess I’ll just have to be straightforward with him and see how it goes.

 

Any ideas on what I could say if he ends up saying it’s because of my OCD or my meds or me being too young?

[AceMissBehaving]

5 minutes ago, NylaTheWolf said:

I guess I’ll just have to be straightforward with him and see how it goes.

 

Any ideas on what I could say if he ends up saying it’s because of my OCD or my meds or me being too young?

If it pre-dates your medications simply mention that if its brought up (That's what I did). As to OCD I'm not sure I see what the link could be, but you can of course discuss your experiences and see how it lines up or doesn't with what they have to say on the matter. On Age, it's possible age could be a factor, but if you feel it isn't simply explain why you feel the way you do. 

[NylaTheWolf]

On 9/30/2019 at 11:19 PM, AceMissBehaving said:

If it pre-dates your medications simply mention that if its brought up (That's what I did). As to OCD I'm not sure I see what the link could be, but you can of course discuss your experiences and see how it lines up or doesn't with what they have to say on the matter. On Age, it's possible age could be a factor, but if you feel it isn't simply explain why you feel the way you do. 

I did identify with asexual at age 11, but I really didn’t understand what it meant (I was thinking of aromantic looking back on it), but I stopped identifying with it because my mom found out that I said I was ace on my social media and told me I wasn’t asexual.

 

I think I basically was asexual though through 11-now.

[Philip027]

If you're afraid your therapist won't believe/accept you, how effective are they at being your therapist, exactly?

[Barbio]

On 9/29/2019 at 12:28 PM, intensivecoffee said:

In my case I guess I was lucky, as it was actually my therapist who suggested to me that I might be an ace. During one of the sessions, it came up that I never really thought about my sexuality. It wasn't like - well you're asexual plz go and have no sex, two times a day thx bye - she just encouraged me to give it some thought, read up and explore. I'm still not sure if I feel like it's a right label for me.

Congrats! I got lucky in my case, too- when I did come out to my therapist, I was kinda surprised that her reaction was "Oh, cool! I'm asexual, too!"

[gisiebob]

On 9/30/2019 at 8:09 PM, NylaTheWolf said:

I guess I’ll just have to be straightforward with him and see how it goes.

 

Any ideas on what I could say if he ends up saying it’s because of my OCD or my meds or me being too young?

be open to possibilities. sure, maybe these things could be true. but that doesn't stop asexuality from being something that describes you, that you can relate to. and if later it turns out that your situation or your understanding of the situation changes and that word no longer fits you, that's ok too.

good luck

[Zash]

I also find having studies/sources to cite can help too.  A doctor tends to listen to a medical journal.

 

 

[BrianW]

I'm a therapist.

 

The 3 core conditions we work with are honesty, unconditional positive regard and empathy. Your therapist will accept you for who you are, if they don't understand they will ask for clarification (and educate themselves out of therapy), then work with you if asexuality is part of any issue that may arise.

 

If they tell you "it's a phase", "you're too young" or anything that says you are wrong or belittles your decision THEN THEY ARE BAD AT THEIR JOB AND YOU SHOULD FIND ANOTHER THERAPIST.

 

Seriously; we work so the client has autonomy, saying you are incorrect about something you feel is taking that away, belittling your words is judgemental. If they can't do the basics then how are they going to help you with anything else.

 

If you want to talk privately after you have seen your therapist then let me know.

 

Good luck.

 

  

[NylaTheWolf]

On 10/7/2019 at 7:34 AM, BrianW said:

I'm a therapist.

 

The 3 core conditions we work with are honesty, unconditional positive regard and empathy. Your therapist will accept you for who you are, if they don't understand they will ask for clarification (and educate themselves out of therapy), then work with you if asexuality is part of any issue that may arise.

 

If they tell you "it's a phase", "you're too young" or anything that says you are wrong or belittles your decision THEN THEY ARE BAD AT THEIR JOB AND YOU SHOULD FIND ANOTHER THERAPIST.

 

Seriously; we work so the client has autonomy, saying you are incorrect about something you feel is taking that away, belittling your words is judgemental. If they can't do the basics then how are they going to help you with anything else.

 

If you want to talk privately after you have seen your therapist then let me know.

 

Good luck.

 

  

That's true! Thanks!

 

On 10/6/2019 at 10:02 PM, Barbio said:

Congrats! I got lucky in my case, too- when I did come out to my therapist, I was kinda surprised that her reaction was "Oh, cool! I'm asexual, too!"

Wow, that's actually really neat!

[GutsyCowardLep]

I've had similar experiences of course I've never liked the therapists I've gone to so I've never told them.

[Philip027]

Quote

I'm not seeing a therapist or anything right now, but I'm window shopping. I've promised myself that when I finally do get to that first appointment that I'd disclose three things: that I'm asexual, aromantic, and will never be interested in having a family. It sounds aberrant and kinda rude, but I plan to say that if they have an issue with any of those three things to tell me right away so I don't waste anyone's time and can find someone else. I'm not interested in having a stranger pathologize my behaviour. They don't need to understand any of these things, but if they can't empathize then they're not worth paying $100+ an hour for. Just my two cents.

That's kind of what I did with my therapists, although it was less specifically to gauge them but rather just a natural part of me introducing myself to someone that will need a better look at my inner workings and motivations (to properly do their job) than the average person on the street would.

 

First one I tried "failed the test", so to speak.  The second went a lot better.  My asexuality only came up as a subject during the few times I specifically brought it up.

[Philip027]

Just that he wouldn't stop dwelling on my relationship status (or lack thereof at the time) and how I would feel better about myself if I put myself out there more, even though I was quite clear on the fact that that wasn't why I was there.

[Mysterywriter221]

Coming out to your therapist as ace shouldn't result in a problem if they're a good therapist. 

 

Perhaps, as a community, we should create a database of ace-friendly therapists and other healthcare providers. 

[doggalogga]

On 9/30/2019 at 3:17 AM, NylaTheWolf said:

I wanna tell my therapist that I’m happy I figured out that I’m asexual and how happy and comfortable I feel with the label and all. But I’m worried that he’s going to be like “Oh you’re too young!” (I’m 15) “That’s not real” “It must be the Paxil", “It must be your OCD and/or your germ obsessions” (I mean...he wouldn’t be completely wrong there) or otherwise denying that I’m asexual. He’s a great, very lax/ therapist and I don’t wanna leave him over this, but I know that if he says anything like that I’m going to feel shitty.

My OCD would certainly love to obsess over whether I’m asexual or not...

It doesn’t help that the main reason I’m sex repulsed is because one of my obsessions is germs, and sex=germs

 

A little of what you said resonates...

 

From September 2011 my brain snapped, and I spent months obsessing over whether I was gay or not. You obsess over how you speak, walk, look etc.

The issue is that you know what you are, but your brain tells you otherwise. it's tiring, and depressing.

 

I'm on Aropax 20mg (paroxetine) and I had a great psychiatrist who helped me massively. I'm all good now. Mental illness IMO is never absolutely cured, but you learn how to deal with it more effectively.

 

A good therapist is open that does not dismiss how you feel about yourself. It's nobody's right, ever to tell you what you are or aren't or how you should identify yourself.

A therapist needs to be sensitive towards their patients as some people are going there in a fragile state and are looking for answers and/or solutions.

 

I have revealed my ace status to a few medical practitioners and nobody has ever given me grief or questioned it. They've all been accepting.

 

If you think it will actually help the therapist understand your position more, then being honest is the best policy. If they're good, they'll accept it and be respectful

[BrianW]

Asexuality is something not many therapists come across and in my initial training it certainly wasn't mentioned (I specialised into sexology). Often a lot of questions are about clarifying for them (though they should go away and read in between sessions, it's not the clients job to educate).

 

But all therapists should allow the client to identify with who they are (though questions to make sure are not uncommon), just as if someone comes in and they say they are depressed; I would accept they are feeling really bad/low, but there are questions to see if it is depression and what level it is at.

 

Clarity is needed, but it has to be done sensitively without the client feeling judgement or that the therapist doesn't believe them.

[NylaTheWolf]

11 hours ago, doggalogga said:

From September 2011 my brain snapped, and I spent months obsessing over whether I was gay or not. You obsess over how you speak, walk, look etc.

The issue is that you know what you are, but your brain tells you otherwise. it's tiring, and depressing.

Exactly!

 

11 hours ago, doggalogga said:

A little of what you said resonates...

 

From September 2011 my brain snapped, and I spent months obsessing over whether I was gay or not. You obsess over how you speak, walk, look etc.

The issue is that you know what you are, but your brain tells you otherwise. it's tiring, and depressing.

 

I'm on Aropax 20mg (paroxetine) and I had a great psychiatrist who helped me massively. I'm all good now. Mental illness IMO is never absolutely cured, but you learn how to deal with it more effectively.

 

A good therapist is open that does not dismiss how you feel about yourself. It's nobody's right, ever to tell you what you are or aren't or how you should identify yourself.

A therapist needs to be sensitive towards their patients as some people are going there in a fragile state and are looking for answers and/or solutions.

 

I have revealed my ace status to a few medical practitioners and nobody has ever given me grief or questioned it. They've all been accepting.

 

If you think it will actually help the therapist understand your position more, then being honest is the best policy. If they're good, they'll accept it and be respectful

 

11 hours ago, BrianW said:

Asexuality is something not many therapists come across and in my initial training it certainly wasn't mentioned (I specialised into sexology). Often a lot of questions are about clarifying for them (though they should go away and read in between sessions, it's not the clients job to educate).

 

But all therapists should allow the client to identify with who they are (though questions to make sure are not uncommon), just as if someone comes in and they say they are depressed; I would accept they are feeling really bad/low, but there are questions to see if it is depression and what level it is at.

 

Clarity is needed, but it has to be done sensitively without the client feeling judgement or that the therapist doesn't believe them.

Thanks for all your responses!