The thing with the so called "porn addiction"

[Skycaptain]

@RakshaTheCat, some addictions are seen as positive, because others don't see the harm that it's doing to the individual, Workaholic being a case in point. Management love someone whose the first to volunteer for overtime, and maybe don't consider that this is cover for loneliness or financing a different addiction 

[Marlow1]

@RakshaTheCat Regarding addictions Therapists never try to treat somebody that is not bothered that they are addicted, nor will they try to help somebody that keeps moaning about all the ill effects of their addiction but will not do anything about it. Recovery takes work and commitment and it is usually ongoing. Folk that do not take their recovery seriously fail, and so although in a year a Therapist or Support Group may be visited by thousands of people only a handful of people will actually benefit from the support on offer

 

Usually what the determining factor is is that the person themselves has completely had enough of being trapped in the lifestyle and cycles of addiction that plague their own life. These people will pester and pester for help and they just won't go away. This is a good indicator that the person is ready to get well. They will say things like "I will do what ever it takes" "please, I beg you, help me get free of this nightmare". Many of them are in debt up to their eyeballs, have lost their homes, lost their partner, lost most of their family and such because of their addiction

 

In the case of sexual addictions they are in dispair because the addiction has lead them into situations that they hate and where they feel that they are defiling themselves, harming somebody else, they are in trouble with the law or something else is happening that means they cannot continue on the path they are on and they are terribly afraid that they will go back and do the same things again. And they have no idea why they are doing what they are doing but behind all this are two things addiction to the dopamine and other chemicals that sex and porn invoke and usually major emotional struggles, often the result of abuse, but not necessarily sexual abuse, or some traumatic event, Ptsd and so on

 

It can take months to unravel all this but once a person has hit rock-bottom like this, if they continue with the substances, behaviours, obsessions, compulsions etc they do not recover, and things get a lot worse for them. But, very few can actually overcome these things without support and education.

 

Folk. In their everyday lives might try to support them but if they are not aware of the damage that addictions can do other folk can end up rped in with all this lot and find themselves in a codependant position where their help actually encourages the person involved to remain addicted, go down hill even more and suffer more

 

In my family and amongst my friends I know folk that are strongly addicted to a variety of things. Although I know a lot about addiction recovery other than tell them about the support that is available there is nothing more I can really do to help them. I hate to say it but they are not ready, Nd so my wife and I have to stand back and let them get on with it until the day comes and they have truly had enough. When that day comes we will both be able to support them but right now going around and pestering these folk. About what they need to do would be seen as interfering. There would be no point

[TheCursedDemi]

So I am totally new here but stumbled upon this post when finding the right spot to basically write my memoir. My brain is wired in a very strange way and I feel like this is nearly on the nose applicable to part of who I am. Not sure why I preambled my post by responding here, maybe so I didn't forget to later as I have a lot of typing ahead of me, but I am finally, at the age of 35, coming to terms with my identity. 

 

This is rather exciting, scary, and somewhat freeing. 

 

-Mike

[Marlow1]

@TheCursedDemi I have gone into some detail about brain wiring here but there are other conditions where perception etc can be limited, if you want to know more please just ask

 

Also, hormones can influence sexual thoughts, feelings and behaviours, so some folk find answers by getting these checked out too

 

Physical and Emotional Trauma, addiction, OCD etc can also play a part for some people. Once issues relating to these things are resolved folk can make better decisions where they fit under the Umberella, if indeed at all

 

None of these things can cause Asexuality though, Asexuality is an Orientation. Over time folk may learn more about themselves and decide that their labelling should change, other people do not use labels because labels can be limiting. Me personally, I do use labels in some circumstances because they work as a kind of shorthand but I also try not to place too much emphasis on them. The main place the terminology has helped me has been within my relationship with my wife. They have assisted communication. Elsewhere, I only talk about this stuff when it is useful

 

 

 

[Marlow1]

45 minutes ago, Marlow1 said:

@TheCursedDemi I have gone into some detail about brain wiring here but there are other conditions where perception etc can be limited, if you want to know more please just ask

 

Also, hormones can influence sexual thoughts, feelings and behaviours, so some folk find answers by getting these checked out too

 

Physical and Emotional Trauma, addiction, OCD etc can also play a part for some people. Once issues relating to these things are resolved folk can make better decisions where they fit under the Umberella, if indeed at all

 

None of these things can cause Asexuality though, Asexuality is an Orientation. Over time folk may learn more about themselves and decide that their labelling should change, other people do not use labels because labels can be limiting. Me personally, I do use labels in some circumstances because they work as a kind of shorthand but I also try not to place too much emphasis on them. The main place the terminology has helped me has been within my relationship with my wife. They have assisted communication. Elsewhere, I only talk about this stuff when it is useful

 

Disclaimer: I am not a Doctor or a Therapist. If anybody has any interest in the things that I share about here they should speak to a qualified professional

 

 

[songchick]

I feel like porn addiction is really sad.  It also blurs with reality because of online dating.  You're looking at people's profiles online, seeing their pictures, maybe messaging them, and there's no response, there's flings and one-night stands, etc.  Porn is more reliable, and there are less demands (none actually) from any real person to deal with.  The most "real" you could get online is if you do webcam with actual people, where you're telling them to do stuff.  There's also stuff like chat roulette (Omegle), people get off online there.  This is like, blurring reality with computer stimulation.  Also, there is no fear or inconvenience of dealing with rejection, which can be painful or annoying for some.

[œddy]

2 hours ago, songchick said:

I feel like porn addiction is really sad.  It also blurs with reality because of online dating.  You're looking at people's profiles online, seeing their pictures, maybe messaging them, and there's no response, there's flings and one-night stands, etc.  Porn is more reliable, and there are less demands (none actually) from any real person to deal with.  The most "real" you could get online is if you do webcam with actual people, where you're telling them to do stuff.  There's also stuff like chat roulette (Omegle), people get off online there.  This is like, blurring reality with computer stimulation.  Also, there is no fear or inconvenience of dealing with rejection, which can be painful or annoying for some.

Are you saying choosing celibacy due to the complexities of the relationship world must mean an addiction? Maybe im not reading your point correctly

[songchick]

7 minutes ago, œddy said:

Are you saying choosing celibacy due to the complexities of the relationship world must mean an addiction? Maybe im not reading your point correctly

I don’t think it’s a choice.  It just happens because there is an immediate need for release, and hunting for a person is difficult.  Porn is immediate.  I don’t entirely consider it celibate because the desire is there and it is being satisfied.  I mean, defining celibacy is another challenge unto itself.

[Marlow1]

3 hours ago, songchick said:

I feel like porn addiction is really sad.  It also blurs with reality because of online dating.  You're looking at people's profiles online, seeing their pictures, maybe messaging them, and there's no response, there's flings and one-night stands, etc.  Porn is more reliable, and there are less demands (none actually) from any real person to deal with.  The most "real" you could get online is if you do webcam with actual people, where you're telling them to do stuff.  There's also stuff like chat roulette (Omegle), people get off online there.  This is like, blurring reality with computer stimulation.  Also, there is no fear or inconvenience of dealing with rejection, which can be painful or annoying for some.

@songchick young folk at our support group are complaining that their friends and such do not want to meet up any more, almost all of their interactions are now over the Internet. And this is not just dating, they mean generally, their lives are online. Two guys were saying that they crave face to face interaction but their friends are just not interested. And a few of the women were saying how depressed they are. One of them has been diagnosed with a serious eating disorder, her doctor feels this is linked to her partners porn use.

 

https://centerfordiscovery.com/blog/direct-link-pornography-eating-disorders/

 

More and more we are hearing of addictions and other disorders where porn or the Internet is playing a role. We limit what can come into our home but this is really hard to do, it took us well over a year to get things sorted but by limiting the media my wife and I are able to do a lot more face to face stuff than I think we might have done otherwise. 

[RakshaTheCat]

48 minutes ago, Marlow1 said:

Two guys were saying that they crave face to face interaction but their friends are just not interested.

Wait, what's wrong with not being interested with face to face interaction with someone?

 

48 minutes ago, Marlow1 said:

One of them has been diagnosed with a serious eating disorder, her doctor feels this is linked to her partners porn use.

Umm, someone is so addicted to sex that they get eating disorder because their partner does not want to provide sex?

[Guest]

3 minutes ago, RakshaTheCat said:

 

 

Umm, someone is so addicted to sex that they get eating disorder because their partner does not want to provide sex?

Your partner saying they can't desire you because porn stars are better at meeting their needs, or because some hot girl they passed on the street made them need to find porn that reminds them of her, etc can destroy self esteem and make one feel like they have to match the models to be attractive. So, they may starve or binge or whatever to try to be the ideal that is unreachable, just to feel good enough for their partner to want them the way they want other people sexually. 

 

It has nothing to do with sex. They can get sex anywhere. They can't get the person they love to choose them over someone else anywhere though. And that is what happens with porn addiction. Even turning your partner on yourself makes that desire redirect to a porn star. So being flirty and pretty can just drive your partner deeper into their addiction. 

[RakshaTheCat]

1 minute ago, Serran said:

Your partner saying they can't desire you because porn stars are better at meeting their needs, or because some hot girl they passed on the street made them need to find porn that reminds them of her, etc can destroy self esteem and make one feel like they have to match the models to be attractive. So, they may starve or binge or whatever to try to be the ideal that is unreachable, just to feel good enough for their partner to want them the way they want other people sexually.

Maybe they are just not good enough? Many possibilities here. What their partner has to say about that?

 

[Guest]

@RakshaTheCat Yes, possibilities are many and IMHO this thread is getting more and more complex...... (and not helpful at all)

[œddy]

13 minutes ago, Chris_Kappa said:

@RakshaTheCat Yes, possibilities are many and IMHO this thread is getting more and more complex...... (and not helpful at all)

and more depressing by the minute. I think I'll find somewhere else to lurk and feel diagnosed

[Guest]

9 hours ago, RakshaTheCat said:

Maybe they are just not good enough? Many possibilities here. What their partner has to say about that?

 

 

[Marlow1]

14 hours ago, RakshaTheCat said:

Wait, what's wrong with not being interested with face to face interaction with someone?

 

Umm, someone is so addicted to sex that they get eating disorder because their partner does not want to provide sex?

This could be a cultural thing but here in England a lot of folk are saying that they would prefer to have a choice as to whether this stuff is placed in front of them. Even big stores are being took to court for exposing too much stuff in front of folk that don't want it. Court cases have led to stuff being removed from the newspapers. A lot of people cannot see this stuff sexually, I am one of those people, but the time that I have spent in Therapy has showed me that a lot of folk are being affected, and some of these folk are now refusing to have sex with their partners. These folk may be sexuals that have high levels of repulsion but it seems unfair to say they have to change. That in itself could be a form of Conversion Therapy. 

 

Folk are saying no to this over here. Not everybody hears them. I was one such person, I could not see why folk would be so bothered, because I can't see it sexually, as you know. I can see the effects though. More and more folk are saying it is affecting them here, and if it is a reason why a person might loose their desire for sex, these folk should be able to say so without feeling intimidated, don't you think so? To say otherwise would be a form of inverse censorship, maybe??? 

[songchick]

5 hours ago, Marlow1 said:

This could be a cultural thing but here in England a lot of folk are saying that they would prefer to have a choice as to whether this stuff is placed in front of them. Even big stores are being took to court for exposing too much stuff in front of folk that don't want it. Court cases have led to stuff being removed from the newspapers. A lot of people cannot see this stuff sexually, I am one of those people, but the time that I have spent in Therapy has showed me that a lot of folk are being affected, and some of these folk are now refusing to have sex with their partners. These folk may be sexuals that have high levels of repulsion but it seems unfair to say they have to change. That in itself could be a form of Conversion Therapy. 

 

Folk are saying no to this over here. Not everybody hears them. I was one such person, I could not see why folk would be so bothered, because I can't see it sexually, as you know. I can see the effects though. More and more folk are saying it is affecting them here, and if it is a reason why a person might loose their desire for sex, these folk should be able to say so without feeling intimidated, don't you think so? To say otherwise would be a form of inverse censorship, maybe??? 

So people in the UK are saying no to sexual display in public places?  I am not quite following, I want to understand.  I feel like widespread rejection of sex would spread doom, like people not having babies and then we all die.  Is it some massive conspiracy, promoting celibacy?

[Marlow1]

29 minutes ago, songchick said:

So people in the UK are saying no to sexual display in public places?  I am not quite following, I want to understand.  I feel like widespread rejection of sex would spread doom, like people not having babies and then we all die.  Is it some massive conspiracy, promoting celibacy?

No these folk are not rejecting sex, they are not even seeking to ban pornography, it is more that they are trying to stop sexual images in public places. This is so that those folk that have negative feelings about it can shop and stuff without bumping into it. Nobody is trying to ban sex or anything like that

 

https://nomorepage3.wordpress.com/faqs/

 

I brought this up to try to illustrate that in certain circumstances folk do accept that people might be bothered about these images but when a wife (or even husband) complains about their partner viewing it they are often ridiculed. This can make folk keep really quit about it, and in some cases lead to anxiety, and other mental health issues

 

By the time these folk (usually women) join the group that I am a member of they can be in a terrible state, eating disorders all kind of stuff going on for them. But their partners have no idea that this is the main reason their wives etc have been refusing to have sex with them

 

The women believe that the men need the pornography, but this is only so in a few cases. Once the men realise what is going on many of them give it up and even throw it all out of the house. The guys do not need it, they have been just doing it because everybody does it or so they are told

 

Quit a few couples have been able to sort this out, but it is really sad to see and hear how much of a mess some of the women have got into believing that men need to be looking at this stuff all the time. These same women tend to want it removed from shops, newspapers and so on because they just do not like it. I don't think any of them want to control other people, but they do want their partners not to be looking at it

 

I have not been majorly involved. With their recovery but it seems, in at least some of the cases, when these folk sort things out the women's desire returns

 

These women are not Asexual. The reason why they are not wanting sex is because they are repulsed seeing their husbands look at it and from images in public places. These are repulsed sexuals rarher than repulsed Asexuals but they can for long periods of time feel very negative about sex because all this affects them so much

 

More and more folk in the UK are talking about this more lately. But I think they are complaining about the images because they actually would prefer to get back to having the sex. I don't think they are trying to do away with it

 

Soz, I know this is long winded. I find it easy to talk about myself but when I am speaking about what other people have been telling me I struggle. I struggle too on this subject because I cannot see the sexuality in stuff so it does not seem that common to me, but I am assured by the folk in Therapy it is. We have removed the main sources from our home so I am not seeing it there either, but folk, generally are trying harder to have the images in shopping malls, magazines and newspapers, removed or hidden, it is becoming more commonplace for folk to complain

 

[RakshaTheCat]

27 minutes ago, Marlow1 said:

By the time these folk (usually women) join the group that I am a member of they can be in a terrible state, eating disorders all kind of stuff going on for them. But their partners have no idea that this is the main reason their wives etc have been refusing to have sex with them

Umm, so this is basically a case of blaming porn for lack of communication between partners? How about stop treating each other like sex vending machines and actually start, you know, negotiating and stuff? 😺

[Marlow1]

46 minutes ago, RakshaTheCat said:

Umm, so this is basically a case of blaming porn for lack of communication between partners? How about stop treating each other like sex vending machines and actually start, you know, negotiating and stuff? 😺

Yes, this is what they do do once they are in Therapy

 

It is not always women doing the complaining sometimes it is the men, and sometimes these struggles can occur in gay relationships too but so that I am not going all around the houses I will use the most common scenario 

 

The woman comes into the Therapy Group very confused and distressed. She was told as a young person that ALL men watch porn, ALL men need porn and that it is a waste of time trying to find one that does not do all this etc

 

She gets into a relationship with a guy and she sees him looking at porn etc, but because everybody has been telling her that this is the way it is she says nothing or very little

 

Because she says nothing the guy thinks she is fine with it

 

Time goes by and she becomes more resentful about it, partly because he is using it and partly because she feels like she cannot say anything

 

The years go by and he indulges more, and so she ends up seeing more and more of this stuff too. Eventually it brings her down so much that the easiest option for her is to just stop having sex with him. Almost all of them say this is how they came to loose their desire for their husbands etc

 

If they have an eating disorder or some other addiction this may worsen as they try to deal with the conflict in their minds. They feel their husband is being unfaithful but everybody always tells them that ALL men do this etc

 

Once the guy realises the impact this is having on their wives many give it up. Some struggle obviously, that is because they are porn addicts, but many do not struggle, they find it easy enough to give it up

 

The women and the men in these situations are always happy once they get this sorted out. But it is such a sad thing that these women will stay silent for so many years, and that the guys too, only tend to see what is happening when things get really bad

 

All this is very new to me. In the past I had no idea that so many people are going through all this. I don't get attracted at all to pornography and so there was no way for me to see this. But all I can tell you now that I do know, what I have discussed above is one of the main reasons why folk come to our group and it is one of the main reason Sexual women (not Asexual women necessarily) but definitely Sexual women, why they say they loose desire, and sometimes attraction, for sex

[RakshaTheCat]

Thanks for explaining @Marlow1, it's always interesting to learn what a cesspit I avoided by not being sexual, romantic or even social... 😺
 

[Skycaptain]

Locking this as its a year old topic. 

Please start a new thread if you want to have a similar discussion