For sexual women with asexual male partners

[susieblue]

I am a 41 year old sexual female, married to an asexual man.

I have had not much sex the last 20 years.

I went to the GYN last year, and she told me that I am starting to menopause already. She said it's a genetic thing, like when my mother or grandmother were "early" I would most likely be too. But my mother and grandmother were about 55 when they started. So I think I am way too early.

I am wondering if it has something to do with not having sex, or trying to surpress those erotic and sexual feelings, like I have been doing all those years. Basically, I can not live out my sexuality and my body reacts to this?

I also was diagnosed with an irritable bowel syndrome this year. Since he could not find anything physically wrong with me, he suggested it's my lifestyle. He told me the Bowel is the brain of the body, and suggested Yoga and a nice vacation with my husband. :?: I blame that on the stress I am having with not having sex and all, but the early menopause?

I do not want any pity. I am doing fine.

:)

Thanks for your thoughts on this!

[Daysleeper]

Hey susy!

I am new here but I do understand what you are going trough. I am also a sexual woman in a realtionship with a sexual and "sex" was my way to deal with the stress in my life and now the sex is gone.

I had a very stressful job and I say had cuz me not able to handle that stress (cuz I no longer have sex now that I am with him) got me fired. So I am in this website trying to understand my partner but is really difficult some times.

It cant have some collateral damage in your life, I guess. :(

Best wishes

D.

[Chiaroscuro]

Hi Susie,

Stress in general can cause all sorts of illnesses. Most of the married sexual folks on Aven have complained about weight gain and depression. So I wouldn't be surprised if there was a stress-related component to what you're experiencing. It's important to try to stay healthy where you can... exercise, good sleep, eating properly. I've found all that to help a lot with staying cheerful and healthy (the sleep part in particular).

Good luck! Hugs from across the sea,

-Chiaroscuro

[Platy79]

So its been awhile since I've been on here last and I've gone through all the replies and comments that have been made on my situation, thank you all who have given some advice..... my situation is still the same as it was almost a year ago.... absolutely nothing has changed.... I finally just gave up on the whole "trying to talk about it" idea, it makes no difference, we still dont see eye to eye.... just that I stopped asking for it... and my sex drive certainly has not diminished.... still not sure what to do. Every day I still think about the whole going outside of the marriage thing, but still can't bring myself to do it. I've been hinting at trying to get his blessing but I can't just come out and say it, I don't want him to think I stopped loving him, because I haven't, I just need some good old sex!!!!! I need that feeling of being able to show all the love that I have to offer in a sexual way, not just a peck and hug here and there........ What to do?........ What to do?......

[Daysleeper]

I feel the same way. And this feeling is getting old, so I am seriusly thinking about breaking up. Is not for the sex it self but everything else that comes with it...

[Chiaroscuro]

I feel for you, Day. I know how hard it can be. For me, waking up and going to sleep are the worst. The emptiness and hopelessness of sleeping alone... very hard to take.

I wish there were options other than divorce and celibacy, but there really doesn't seem to be. Not once you're married.

-Chiaroscuro

[WendyO]

I am a sexual 43yr old in a 23yr marriage to a asexual man. I have been trying to make sense of my husband for nearly 20 yrs. Spend my 20,30 and 40's loving this man but only having sexual intercourse about once a year. No oral sex...ever, he is not into it. On occation I have explained to him that it is not fair to me and had no idea that my husband was not alone. I have been faithful over the 23yr marriage but Im lonely. I will never leave this man as he is a good provider to his family, he does love me and he is good to me. Are there truely numerous men out there who just are not into sex?

I can suport Susie, we are in the same arena and this web site is opening my eyes to what my husband is going through. I want my marriage to be forever but I miss being touch.

[Chiaroscuro]

My heart goes out to you, Wendy. Twenty three years is a long time.

-Chiaroscuro

[WendyO]

Chia,

23 yrs of marriage. In the first 5 years it was once a month! :) Slowly dwindled over the next several years.

Its only been the last 10yrs that sex dwindled down to 1 time a year. Im supportive of my husband now that I watched Montel and can come to this web site and learn more of what he is experiencing.

Its definately been hard, I have found that food has been my pleasure in life. Not a good thing.

[Chiaroscuro]

Its definately been hard, I have found that food has been my pleasure in life. Not a good thing.

I've discovered that's been the experience of a lot of sexuals in "mixed" marriages. There can be a whole host of health and mental health issues associated with feeling unloved or undesireable. I've been in therapy for a year now, and it's been amazingly helpful. Take care of yourself. It won't solve the underlying issue, unfortunately, but will help make life worth living.

-Chiaroscuro

[susieblue]

Hello Everybody, Hello my friend Chiaroscuro:

thanks for the replies, I was beginning to think my question was too strange for all of you, and after posting I felt awkward even asking such a question.

My life pattern is still the same. But I have changed. I live my life day by day now. Trying to do things I enjoy. Making my sexless marriage not priority anymore. It's kinda working.....

I will start working soon, finally found a job (not easy here in Germany :cry: ). So, this will be a good start in the new year. I will meet new people and maybe start my own life, apart from my husband.

I decided not to concentrate on him so much anymore, and concentrate more on me. We have a saying in Germany: "Man ist seines eigenes Glückes Schmied", poorly translated: "We are responsible for our own happiness".

So, I will try to make myself happy this year. I have been putting my frustration on him, blaming him. Not anymore. I am my own person, I can survive without him. I deserve to be happy, and I deserve to be treated the way a woman should be treated. I assume he will get lost on the way, but I can't help it. I love him, but I love myself more.

Sounds selfish? A little.... but I don't want to end up later in life regretting.

He won't regret, he is fine, he is happy, he is in a loving relationship, he is not missing anything....yet. Oh My, somebody stop me from feeling sorry for my husband, I don't want to do this anymore.

From now on just forward, not looking back.

[Chiaroscuro]

He won't regret, he is fine, he is happy, he is in a loving relationship, he is not missing anything....yet. Oh My, somebody stop me from feeling sorry for my husband, I don't want to do this anymore.

Good for you, Susie. I know how hard it all is. I wish you all luck in your new job and new perspective on life. Your husband isn't under an obligation to become sexual for you, nor are you under an obligation to become asexual for him. It's sad that that might mean separation down the road, but it does seem to be the way of the world at the moment.

-Chiaroscuro

[WendyO]

Chia and Susie,

Thanks for your replies of suport. I do have a part time job that I love. Its a great distraction from my focus on intimacy. With giving asexuals credibility I can perhaps focus on other strong point of my marriage. However, like I said before..Im lonely and will start to focus on myself and not spend so much energy on why my husband does not want sex. Perhaps I gained to much weigh (food is my friend) etc...But now I realize that it is his preference in life not to have sex and being his wife I have to find focus and hobbies that interest me.

WendyO

[marriedandstaying]

Wendy, Susie,

It is so reassuring to me to learn that I'm not alone. Been married a long time too...19 years and dated for 4 years first. That's too much to throw away, but I also miss being touched. And here's a weird thing that I just realized. I also missed being seen as a woman. Here's what I mean. My kids see me as mom, my friends, as a friend, school seesm me as a volunteer and with my sisters, I'm the little sister. But to whom am i a woman? Someone who styles her hair well, or has a warm smile that gets noticed, or gentle eyes? I noticed this in the strangest way the other day. I was shopping for a dishwasher, and this one salesman was listening intenly to my concerns and desires for the machine. All the while he kept deep eye contact with me. I actually felt warm and blushy!

Silly I know it sounds....but it's been a long time since i was looked at that way. I have admittedly let myself gain too much weight. I have been on a walking plan for a year and am eating much better and am definitely losing weight, toning up and most importantly gaining stamina and health. It was easy for me to believe that my body was the problem with sex between us. However, even in my thinner days, sex was still pretty infrequent...so I need to be realistic abaout this.

I took comfort in food after my husband went to bed without me, and I would be left on the couch alone...well...that didn't solve the sex dilemma and now I have to lose weight in addition!

*sigh*

[Chiaroscuro]

Hi Married,

Sigh indeed. I very much understand what you mean about your desire to feel desirable... not to be some glamorous hollywood movie star, but to know that there's someone in the world who is eager to nestle up to you.

-Chiaroscuro

[WendyO]

I did finally decide that it was not the weight gain that caused my husband to be asexual. My husband never comments that I gained weight the past several years and he never said anything negative about my body changes, ever. I also swim three days a week for toning.

Since reading on this web site I find myself more content knowing and understanding more about asexuals. This puts my mind at ease that my husband is not gay. Im sure some of you had thought that perhaps our spouses were gay...if they didnt like sex with us then perhaps they have desires elsewhere. No so, just asexual.

[tormented female]

After reading lots of topics, answers, etc... I feel very depressed and annoyed, angry, frustrated uffff....ok I have gained weight too (I`m 29, got married 2 and a half years ago), I am very sad from about 4 months ago, for the first time in my life I am frightened of leaving my partner (never before), I feel anxious, have bad mood very often, shall I say more??? That's the result of me being sexual, and my husband being asexual. But above all I think that's the result of him not telling me from the beginning, I feel like he's cheated on me, because we had some sex at the beginning.

Please don't get hurt, I don't want to offend anyone, I am trying for more than 2 years to understand an asexual, and I can't, but I respect every way of living ;) But please do answer me, this is a question for asexuals?

- Why don't all of you tell from the beginning?

Reading the story of these ladies, 20 years of marriage, and the consequences, breaks my heart. Isn't their partner, and mine of course, being selfish in a way? Think about it, it's a whole life... :__(

[happylife]

After reading lots of topics, answers, etc... I feel very depressed and annoyed, angry, frustrated uffff....ok I have gained weight too (I`m 29, got married 2 and a half years ago), I am very sad from about 4 months ago, for the first time in my life I am frightened of leaving my partner (never before), I feel anxious, have bad mood very often, shall I say more??? That's the result of me being sexual, and my husband being asexual. But above all I think that's the result of him not telling me from the beginning, I feel like he's cheated on me, because we had some sex at the beginning.

Please don't get hurt, I don't want to offend anyone, I am trying for more than 2 years to understand an asexual, and I can't, but I respect every way of living ;) But please do answer me, this is a question for asexuals?

- Why don't all of you tell from the beginning?

Reading the story of these ladies, 20 years of marriage, and the consequences, breaks my heart. Isn't their partner, and mine of course, being selfish in a way? Think about it, it's a whole life... :__(

I often feel sad and frustrated when I get to read posts written by sexuals having painful times in their relationships with asexual partners. Also, I admire their patience and loyalty. Many of the stories that sexual partners have told us made me feel heartbroken.

So I made up my mind to tell anyone who seems to have a crush on me that I am asexual as early as possible. I got asked out on a date by a man some days ago and had a really good time with him. When the subject of love and sex came up in a conversation, I told him that I was asexual. It seemed a bit cruel to say something like that on a first date--it was the first time we spent time alone if we had known each other quite a while. But I did it because I thought he had to be informed and be able to choose whether to stay in or get out. I just did not want him to go through what many other sexuals I had seen on the AVEN site had to go through.

I suppose that there may be many asexuals that can/do not let their partners know about their (a)sexuality at the beginning. One of the reasons would be that they were unsure or unaware of their sexuality when they decided to start a relationship.

I cannot imagine how miserable you might feel about the situation you have been stuck in. I agree that it would have been much better if you had known that your husband was asexual from the very beginning, which could have saved you a lot of pain. But it is not too late. You are very young.

I wish you the best.

[sexless sexual]

Oh my. How familiar all of this sounds!

I just learned yesterday about asexuality, and that my husband is an asexual. We've been married 15 years - we married, both for the first time, at 40. We've had a sexless marriage for 13 years, now. And when I say sexless, I mean completely sexless. No sex at all, not even once a year. Minimal touching.

Why didn't he tell me? Because I don't think he understood it, himself. Why didn't I suspect it? Because I had my own issues with sexuality and thought that it was less important to me than it is. We talked about it before we married, just as we talked about how much I wanted children. He told me that, while children were not part of how he defined himself, he was willing to have them in a couple of years -- let's stabilize the marriage, first. It was obvious to us both that my sex drive was higher than his, but I honestly thought sex was of minimal importance to me, compared to the other qualities I cherish in him. We were both wrong.

So yes, if you, as an asexual, know your orientation, please be open about it, at least to those with whom you seek a long-term relationship.

Ironically enough, just as we are finally recognizing the full extent of his asexuality, I am finally (at age 55) finding my sexuality, and my drive is higher than ever. Go figure.

I don't know, yet, how we will resolve this. But I an share a few thoughts:

1. I would first make sure that, in fact, he is asexual. We are already in marriage counseling, and now that this has finally surfaced, he and the therapist will be working on this. I am fairly certain he is, but given our age there is always the possibility that there are medical issues at play. So that's his task.

2. I need to figure out exactly what it is I want, what it is I need, and what I can live without. Needs have to be met, period. Wants need to be met if I am to be as fully happy as I can. The rest is, obviously, negotiable. This is my task.

3. If we agree that he is truly asexual (something he hasn't yet admitted ...) then we have to find out what it is he can give. Just as sexuality has a wide spectrum of behavior, so does asexuality. That will be his next task.

4. With all that information, we can then -- and only then -- sit down and make the match. The stuff we can't find within our marriage, we have to solve.

How? I don't know yet. And that's a bit in the future. But over my life, which has been one of more than my share of losses, I have learned a basic secret of happiness. When you need something, or even if you want it badly, but can't get it, you will be unhappy. If you look at it as only a two-way solution -- either you have or you don't have -- then you have a dilemma. That is the definition of "dilemma" -- a choice between two equally unacceptable choices. The only solution to a dilemma is to find more choices.

How? Well, you do some hard soul-searching to figure out what it is about the thing you want that makes you desire it. What is the kernel of its essence that would satisfy you? Usually, any specific thing/behavior is not what is important, but what that thing/behavior can give you that matches a dream you have.

Once you understand the dream, the kernel, then you can start looking for other things/behaviors that will also yield that same kernel, but in a different way. There's your third, 4th, 5th ... option.

Isaac Asimov wrote a story that centered around the premise that 2 is a ridiculous number. Think about it: It is reasonable that something can be unique. The one and only in existence. But, as soon as there are at least 2 of something, what keeps it at 2? Why not 3, 4, more? 2 is simply a ridiculous place to stop.

I am not saying do not end your marriage -- it may be that, after you both have done all this research, the best solution really is the divorce. Only you can decide that, between you.

I'm just saying that, as long as you look for options, you will enrich the field of choices. Maybe the divorce isn't the best of all, just the best of the two you've thought of.

Also, keep this in mind: Your asexual partner is not choosing to be asexual. This is not passive-aggressive behavior, you are not being punished, you do not fall short. You are simply mismatched. If you can get that tape in your head in place of the tapes that say it's your fault, etc., then you will relieve a lot of pressure off of yourself. I know that has happened to me, already. While the problem is now a bit harder to solve, I am off the hook, and so is he. I don't have to blame either of us. What a relief!

Similarly, now I will stop demanding that which is impossible to give. When I thought him sexual, the lack of sex was hurtful. Now, it is not. I need to adjust my expectations, and let up on him. Oddly enough, now that I have started that, he has started to be more tactile with me. The more security I can give him that touch will not inevitably lead to sex, the more he can loosen up to give me. And he wants to.

Sorry, long, I know. And I've been saying these things over and over in lots of threads, yesterday and today. Maybe I'm protesting too much, as Shakespeare would say.

But this all feels right, to me. I can do this. We can do this. The other -- not so much.

[< retired >]

When I thought him sexual, the lack of sex was hurtful.

Back when I was torturing lovely hypersexual women with my hyposexuality, it was obvious to me that the problem was mine, not theirs. It would have been a surprise to me to hear that I was hurting my partners through my lack of interest in sexual intercourse - I thought that frustrating them was as far as it went. In any case, in the future I'm going to inform hypersexual women up front that they're in for a life of misery if they get hooked up with me, in the off chance that they may find this prospect undesirable.

[sexless sexual]

When I thought him sexual, the lack of sex was hurtful.

Back when I was torturing lovely hypersexual women with my hyposexuality, it was obvious to me that the problem was mine, not theirs. It would have been a surprise to me to hear that I was hurting my partners through my lack of interest in sexual intercourse - I thought that frustrating them was as far as it went. In any case, in the future I'm going to inform hypersexual women up front that they're in for a life of misery if they get hooked up with me, in the off chance that they may find this prospect undesirable.

Well, in my case, the hurt was in proportion to the investment in the relationship. In sexual marriage, sex is simply an assumed part of the relationship. You don't talk about whether or not you will breathe, right? Well, you don't talk about whether or not you will have sex. How much may be up for grabs, but the assumption still goes.

When it doesn't, then you start to ask why. If the assumption is that both are sexual, then the reasons are either ones of physical impairment (permanent or temporary) or of psychological nature. The latter gets into the hurtful stuff -- he doesn't love me, he thinks me undesirable, I've done something that bothers him to the point of not having sex, he's mad at me, he's being passive-aggressive ...

Notice that in none of those is there anything that sounds loving and accepting.

Outside of marriage, the expectations are not as automatic.

Still, it is always a good thing to consider your partner's viewpoint. She/he has one. And, despite what you may think, you are not a mind reader. Neither is she/he. :)

[jakubcookies]

I am a 41 year old sexual female, married to an asexual man.

I have had not much sex the last 20 years.

I went to the GYN last year, and she told me that I am starting to menopause already. She said it's a genetic thing, like when my mother or grandmother were "early" I would most likely be too. But my mother and grandmother were about 55 when they started. So I think I am way too early.

I am wondering if it has something to do with not having sex, or trying to surpress those erotic and sexual feelings, like I have been doing all those years. Basically, I can not live out my sexuality and my body reacts to this?

I also was diagnosed with an irritable bowel syndrome this year. Since he could not find anything physically wrong with me, he suggested it's my lifestyle. He told me the Bowel is the brain of the body, and suggested Yoga and a nice vacation with my husband. :?: I blame that on the stress I am having with not having sex and all, but the early menopause?

I do not want any pity. I am doing fine.

:)

Thanks for your thoughts on this!

The brain of the body is actually the brain itself.

[Sally]

The brain of the body is actually the brain itself.

*applauds*