Am I asexual? Also, queerplatonic? Definately romantic.

[Chay]

This post may have sensitive content, discussing sexual issues that may be sensitive. The writer of this content may have depression. You've been warned. Also it's a long post.

 

I believe that I am asexual. This is based on my personal research and observations.

I don't want to have sex. Not at all.

I feel no sexual attraction to anybody.

 

But here's the thing, my sex drive is high, and it drives my crazy. I masturbate to clear my head so that I can focus on actually being a person, I don't like it. Physically my body and brain enjoy the experience, but me as a person and being don't.

 

It feels physically great, but awful in every other way, and leaves me feeling alone, upset, angry, frustrated and depressed. I just want to be myself, and I wish I had no sex drive at all, because I don't want to have sex.

 

I want a relationship that is romantic, beautiful, and lovely. I want to feel my body, but not sexually. I am aesthetically attracted to people of all descriptions, sensually attracted to feelings, but repulsed by sex and sexual feelings. I want to stargaze with the one person more important to me than myself, but I don't have anyone. I can accept that I'm selfish, but I want to be with someone who I love.

 

I get attached to people, and I love them, but not sexually. Not because I don't think that their bodies are amazing, or that I don't want them to feel good about themselves, I just don't want to feel sexual with them.

 

Maybe, possibly, if it was the right person I'd feel different? But until I have them I won't know. I want to cuddle and snuggle, to massage away all of my own and their aches and pains, to feel safe and warm and to feel proud of my body around another person, but I don't want to have sex with them ever.

 

Maybe I have control issues? When I am sexually aroused I feel trapped and horrible and scared. Like it's against my will and out of my control. I feel as though if I were sexual with someone I would freak out, panic, and possible lash out.

 

I just want to be loved for who i am, and I want to love someone for who they are, and I want to be with someone forever and ever and never let them go.

I want to see them, at any given time, even when I'm mad at them, and smile because of how much I love them.

I want to lean on them when I'm sad, comfort them when they're upset, protect them when they're scared, and mutually be in love and overcome our personal and worldly problems together.

 

 

I don't want to be alone anymore.

 

 

I want someone to remove my hormones and all of my physical triggers so that I can feel safe and ok, but that will never happen so I'm just going to curl up and cry internally instead.

 

I'm sorry, but I really don't have anyone in my life that I can talk to about this. It's no good bottling this kinda stuff up inside your head for years without someone to talk to, so I thought maybe speaking out might help me feel less like a horrible creature of filth and death and more like a living person who is valuable and good and stuff.

 

NOTE: I was very hormonal and stressed when I wrote this, I'm not always quite so emotional.

 

[crazy ace]

well, you seem to be asexual. I'm not sure about queer platonic, but you're probably also romantic.

To welcome you, I will give you a cake, as is AVEN tradition.