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Timonger

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Hi. I'm 31. I've been questioning my sexuality for about a year? Since i thought to identify it, i've just assumed i'm hetrosexual. I've had one serious relationship (about 4 years) in my life and 3 primarily sexual relationships that were either one night stands or of short duration. Those 3 sexual relationships were pretty much 100% unsatisfying and really hurtful and damaging to me emotionally and mentally. To me they were what society and "straight culture" was telling me i needed as a single unattached person. My long term relationship, they were and are my best friend, but we pretty much didn't have sex really at all after the first year of our relationship and our relationship really deteriorated because that was something important to them.

what i've realized in the last year is, i'm pretty sure, my entire life i've mixed up Sexual Attraction and Romantic attraction. I just assumed my whole life that they are the same thing. The wildest fantasy i've ever had about someone i like is hugging and cuddling. sex has always been a place i really have to force my brain to go. i'm still questioning though, how do sexual people differentiate sexual attraction and romantic attraction? do they feel different to them? am i just damaged from bad sexual experiences and i need therapy? i've been single for around 6 years and i really want a companion to cuddle and hug and share my life with but if i never had sex for pleasure (i want children one day) again i'm 99% sure i'd be totally ok with that. I'm still "in the closet" so i don't fell comforable asking this of my friends or family. maybe i should just make the plunge and hope they're understanding.

This site has really helped me a lot realizing my misconceptions about asexuality. if i were to define myself i'd say i'm a sex-positive asexual heteromantic for whatever its worth. thanks for listening to my ramblings. any insights are appreciated.

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Welcome to AVEN! Hope you find friends and answers here. 

How you identify is up to you, but the fact that you're questioning probably means that you're somewhere on the spectrum. It can certainly be confusing at first. And it does sound like you're romantic, ace or not. 

Here's some cake to welcome you!

 

 

 galaxies-and-planets-cake-art-yulia-kedy 

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On 9/27/2019 at 3:23 AM, Kaihan said:

how do sexual people differentiate sexual attraction and romantic attraction? do they feel different to them?

My wife and I deliberately invest in the romantic side of things. For her all the time, it is her hope that these romantic times will lead to sex, she is Allosexual. For me, the romantic times are just that, lovely romantic times, I do not always need sex, they do not necessary provoke sexual thoughts into my mind. But because I know they do for my wife I will then start to think about that, and then this might lead to me initiating sex, but not always. If my wife initiates whilst we are being romantic, I will try for her then too, but it is not all tied together for me like it is for her. I am Demisexual

 

For my wife romance is a precursor for sex where as for me romance is an extention of our friendship. For both if us the romance part of our relationship is how we show our love for each other most effectively

 

Before we met my wife had a strong understanding of herself both romantically and sexually, and both of these forms of attraction were always intertwined for her in some way. It was not like this for me. I found it easy to be friends with people. I had romantic ideas but struggled to direct them at anybody in particular. I never had any sexual attraction at all. So yes, in the past romance and sex were very separate for me, they still are but because I am now more aware of my wife's sexual needs they can sometimes be intertwined but do not have to be

 

I hope this makes sense. This can be hard to describe

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