Why would someone who loves sex want to identify as asexual?

[Snao Cone]

I get that people who have sex for their partners and are perfectly content to do so would still find value in identifying as asexual because it expresses what motivates them and how they personally feel and experience things. 

 

I get that people who have kinks that are non-sexually pleasurable would still find value in identifying as asexual because they feel a need to communicate that they don't have sex or want sex, so people understand what they're looking for and respect that. 

 

But for asexual-identifying people who enjoy sex to the point of incorporating it into their lives beyond pleasing their current partner (e.g. they're looking for sexual relationships), why would they want to be known as asexual? Wouldn't that impede potential relationships? 

 

(I'm not trying to open a definition debate here, or to corner anyone into invalidation. I'd just like to get an idea of what practical use there might be to identifying as asexual, beyond what I might experience or for people in situations similar to my own.)

 

(Edit: Oh, and if this does go down that rabbit hole into non-constructive territory, I'll request the thread be locked. Just advanced warning. 😘) 

[everywhere and nowhere]

I suspect that it's plain, simple misunderstanding. It's not that they "want to identify as asexual", rather that they consider themselves asexual because of misunderstanding what the definition means.

In my opinion it's, first of all, a result of too much emphasis on "attraction" in the official definition. Although, I'm too not entirely innocent here - because while I'm quite on the opposite pole compared to people who declare experiencing desire without attraction, I too define "sexual attraction" in a non-standard way, which doesn't necessarily tie it to desire. Precisely because of this I consider myself to experience the opposite: attraction with no desire to have sex.

[Bio 7]

It does sound like they wouldn’t be ace if they actively sought sex.

[Snao Cone]

13 minutes ago, Nowhere Girl said:

I suspect that it's plain, simple misunderstanding. It's not that they "want to identify as asexual", rather that they consider themselves asexual because of misunderstanding what the definition means.

In my opinion it's, first of all, a result of too much emphasis on "attraction" in the official definition. Although, I'm too not entirely innocent here - because while I'm quite on the opposite pole compared to people who declare experiencing desire without attraction, I too define "sexual attraction" in a non-standard way, which doesn't necessarily tie it to desire. Precisely because of this I consider myself to experience the opposite: attraction with no desire to have sex.

I can get where a misunderstanding may come from if a person has never felt the "awooga" type of attraction and is just starting to explore sexuality, in that they may not have had sex yet, or have only had it a few times and are still trying to process their experiences. I'm curious how many people might get to the point of having had and/or pursued sex multiple times, perhaps with multiple people, and decided it's an ongoing thing they're interested in, yet they still identify as asexual. I don't know how many people there are like that, though. It might be a mythical beast. 

[R_1]

17 minutes ago, Snao van der Cone said:

I can get where a misunderstanding may come from if a person has never felt the "awooga" type of attraction and is just starting to explore sexuality,

awooga? Interesting way of describing. Just came here to say that as I'm on the same boat as you are with the question.

[Galactic Turtle]

Usually it seems that some people begin to ID as asexual prior to them having an experience that would suggest they are not asexual but during that in between time they become so involved with the asexual identity that letting go of it would be like letting go of part of themselves. This is probably more likely if someone is 13 when they discover the asexual label but are 17 when they start having experiences that would suggest they are not asexual.

 

Then the other case is people understanding sexual attraction to mean different things. If I got a penny for every time I've witnessed a conversation that goes something along the lines of:

 

"Yeah, I don't understand what it's like to just be walking down the street and think 'oh wow that person is hot,' I must be asexual" or "I don't want to have sex with people just because they're good looking, what type of ace am I?" 

 

... I would be one wealthy turtle! 

[Orion the Hunter]

.

[Guest]

Confusion and misconception, probably fueled by too much time in Tumblr(esque circles).

 

 

And since I don't want Snao to call for a thread lock, that's all I'll be saying.

[Philip027]

Special snowflake factor.  It isn't "cool" to just call yourself straight/hetero because that's what most people are.

[Rare Aztec Whstling Chickn]

It sounds like some people get caught up in possibly the idea that attraction is "oh you're hot, let's fuck" sorta sense, as well as hearing a handful of second hand experience from sexuals that they may not be able to relate to.

[Snao Cone]

7 minutes ago, Fascinated said:

Hi, I’m new to this site. I consider myself Sexual, and also Asexual. I have attraction and arousal, but don’t want to have sex. I only want to have one woman that I’m attracted to, who is Asexual, who I can be with, be aroused by, and not have sex with. Does anyone know what that makes me, and will that make it hard for me to find someone?

This seems like it warrants its own thread. You'll probably get better input through nuanced discussion about your situation specifically. 

[LeChat]

22 minutes ago, Fascinated said:

Hi, I’m new to this site. I consider myself Sexual, and also Asexual. I have attraction and arousal, but don’t want to have sex. I only want to have one woman that I’m attracted to, who is Asexual, who I can be with, be aroused by, and not have sex with. Does anyone know what that makes me, and will that make it hard for me to find someone?

Hi, and welcome! 

 

Have you looked into a term like "celibacy,"" to see whether it might fit?

 

You don't have to necessarily be religious to use it (because it wouldn't make sense for religious people who experience sexual attraction, but don't want sex, to have to use "celibacy," while non-religious people who experience sexual attraction, but don't want sex, to have to use "asexual.")

 

https://www.thoughtco.com/celibacy-abstinence-chastity-difference-4156422

 

[Guest]

Don't know but I do think that there's asexuals out there that can enjoy sex (the sex favorable ones) but it's basically an activity initiated by the partner. They wouldn't seek it out themselves unless they wished to satisfy their libido. 

[Karst]

I think it's common for people of all identities to be confused, or have difficult issues to work out.

[Alejandrogynous]

I think it's a combination of sexual attraction being misunderstood (e.g. thinking that seeing a stranger and instantly getting aroused is the only thing that counts and experiencing anything different makes you asexual or different in some way) and being too attached to the label as part of their identity so they cling to it even when it starts to not fit them anymore. 

 

I blame poor sex education that leaves teens to rely on media and here-say for information, warping their sense of what's normal. I also think the history of the asexual community itself is a factor. Back when the main narrative was that only sex-repulsed people with no libido and not a sexual thought in their head could be asexual, it left those asexuals who compromised, masturbated - or dare I say even laughed at sex jokes - on the outside. There was a big push to recognize that you could still be asexual and HAVE sex, that it swung too far the other way and became, you can be asexual and LOVE sex. And somehow this is what ended up being the most vocal message being sent out to the world, which is unfortunate.

I also hate to say that being LGBT+ has become trendy, but I do think that's also a contributing factor, especially in young people who ID as asexual.

[Orion the Hunter]

.

[Snao Cone]

7 minutes ago, KrysLost said:

Don't know but I do think that there's asexuals out there that can enjoy sex (the sex favorable ones) but it's basically an activity initiated by the partner. 

Right, which is the first example. Asexuality is the reason they don't initiate, don't feel their own needs, and wouldn't care to pursue it if their partner didn't want it. That makes sense to me. An asexual identity, to them, is an affirmation that they don't need to want sex of their own volition because of their orientation, and they're not broken for it. The fact that they're having sex doesn't change that, and by identifying as asexual they can help their partner understand better. 

 

 

 

11 minutes ago, KrysLost said:

They wouldn't seek it out themselves unless they wished to satisfy their libido. 

I guess this is what's confusing for me. If they wish to do this (outside of curiosity or conforming or whatever), in what ways does the label "asexual" communicate their internal workings? Does it help them find people who can satisfy their libido? Is it worth the effort to them? (you don't need to answer these if they don't apply to you, btw, as they're mostly rhetorical) 

[uhtred]

There are many people's whose sexuality is not well described by standard terms like "straight" "gay" or "asexual". 

[Snao Cone]

1 minute ago, uhtred said:

There are many people's whose sexuality is not well described by standard terms like "straight" "gay" or "asexual". 

Yup, and they shouldn't have to choose one if they don't feel like it's fitting to them and their feelings or motivations or desires or whatever. A lot of people go through stages of figuring themselves out that involve using a far too narrow label, which is just part of the process. 

[Guest]

3 minutes ago, Snao van der Cone said:

Right, which is the first example. Asexuality is the reason they don't initiate, don't feel their own needs, and wouldn't care to pursue it if their partner didn't want it. That makes sense to me. An asexual identity, to them, is an affirmation that they don't need to want sex of their own volition because of their orientation, and they're not broken for it. The fact that they're having sex doesn't change that, and by identifying as asexual they can help their partner understand better. 

 

 

 

I guess this is what's confusing for me. If they wish to do this (outside of curiosity or conforming or whatever), in what ways does the label "asexual" communicate their internal workings? Does it help them find people who can satisfy their libido? Is it worth the effort to them? (you don't need to answer these if they don't apply to you, btw, as they're mostly rhetorical) 

Ah no, I've just seen a guy on here whose ace (his wife is also ace) and they have sex every now and then to satisfy her sex drive I believe. I'm not ace myself.

[Marlow1]

If somebody said to you ALL of the following things apply to me would you suspect that they are Asexual? 

 

I was a virgin until I was 35

 

I have never been attracted to a person in the street

 

I have never had a celebrity crush

 

Porn does nothing for me

 

I have never masturbated

 

I have never had a visual fantasy in my head of a naked person or indeed ever seen any sexual scene in my mind

 

I never ever hear myself telling myself sexual fantasies in my mind

 

I really struggle to understand flirting

 

I often do not get sexual jokes

 

Sex scenes in movies feel out of place, like they should not really be there, irritating sometimes

 

I cannot stand nightclubs or any clubs of this ilk. I have never visited a strip club, and seriously never would, I do not see the point

 

I never crave sex

 

I have had sex (just the other day) but I cannot relive it in my mind, I cannot even really remember it, I can't even remember what my partner was wearing. It's the same with all the other times that I have had sex too

 

And the list goes on and on...... 

 

This above is me, but I am NOT Asexual, I am Demisexual!!!!! 

 

I have been having enjoyable sex now for most of the last 28 years, give and take a couple of years due to problems re brain hemorrhage. And although I have never been attracted to anybody else I have been attracted to my wife throughout this time, but her only

 

Now, I know that you are going to say but yes you are identifying correctly, you are calling yourself Demisexual, not a Sex Favourable Asexual or one of the other terms that mean this (I am sorry if I have that term wrong, right now I am struggling to recall what it is, but it means not repulsed and not indifferent) 

 

Anyway, I think you all know what I mean, I am meaning what is the difference between an Asexual that is identifying this was, and say a Greysexual whom is experiencing attraction occasionally, or in specific circumstances and so on

 

Well, all I can tell you is this. There are folk here at this board and elsewhere that have read my story. They know that before I met my wife I had never experienced attraction or desire and that I also went back into this state after my brain hemorrhage, and that these two times in my life I have gone from zero attraction/desire, to attraction/desire with just this one person and they want to know how I did this

 

The folk that contact me their stories are similar to mine in which their experiences are much like all the stuff that I described at the top of this post but unlike me they have not managed to go fully from the disconnected confusing state to the yes, this is it, I get this now

 

They are not repulsed, nor indifferent, but they are not able to become sexually attracted, and invariably they have other struggles too. For instance three people that have contacted me have severe pain with penitration, another said they just feel numb down there, another said the feeling is good but they never orgasm, and the list goes on

 

Many of these folk have never experienced attraction, some have never had sex but they think they might be Demisexual or Graysexual, even though they have not moved to this place as of yet. And so because they have not yet had the Demi/Grey experience, technically they are still Asexual, but they don't hate the thought of sex, nor feel indifferent, they are just waiting for a person to come along whom they will connect with. In other words they are virgins that have never experienced attraction, they have some, if not all of the stuff I mentioned above going on but within them there is a feeling that this might change, but it just has not so far. So they are not Demi, nor Grey, they are still Asexual, but they believe that if they have sex one day it could be cool and are interested in sex because they believe this

 

I hope this is making sense. I myself have never identified as Asexual, nor as a Sex Favourable Asexual, I have only identified as Demisexual, but folk that do see themselves as Sex Positive email me and message me all the time, usually because they want to know how I have overcome the difficulties I have due to my Aphantasia

 

https://www.vice.com/en_uk/article/kwkway/what-its-like-to-instantly-forget-what-friends-and-lovers-looks-like

 

 

[everywhere and nowhere]

1 hour ago, Snao van der Cone said:

I can get where a misunderstanding may come from if a person has never felt the "awooga" type of attraction and is just starting to explore sexuality, in that they may not have had sex yet, or have only had it a few times and are still trying to process their experiences. I'm curious how many people might get to the point of having had and/or pursued sex multiple times, perhaps with multiple people, and decided it's an ongoing thing they're interested in, yet they still identify as asexual. I don't know how many people there are like that, though. It might be a mythical beast. 

It rather seems to me that they consider sexual attraction to be something else. Particularly, if they are able to desire sex, but really feel clueless about what constitutes "sexual attractiveness" and find themselves unable to pin down what factors motivate their choice of potential partners, they come to think that this is what "not experiencing sexual attraction" means...

1 hour ago, Galactic Turtle said:

Then the other case is people understanding sexual attraction to mean different things. If I got a penny for every time I've witnessed a conversation that goes something along the lines of:

 

"Yeah, I don't understand what it's like to just be walking down the street and think 'oh wow that person is hot,' I must be asexual" or "I don't want to have sex with people just because they're good looking, what type of ace am I?" 

 

... I would be one wealthy turtle! 

Sorry, I couldn't resist association with this particular wealthy turtle from an old DOS game...

[Snao Cone]

58 minutes ago, KrysLost said:

Ah no, I've just seen a guy on here whose ace (his wife is also ace) and they have sex every now and then to satisfy her sex drive I believe. I'm not ace myself.

Oh, so it's more like a "Honey, sorry to be a bother, but can you help me relieve myself of this itch?" than an ongoing desire to score or whatever. Gotcha. 

 

 

25 minutes ago, Marlow1 said:

So they are not Demi, not Grey, they are still Asexual, but they believe that if they have sex one day it could be cool and are interested in sex because they believe this

Seems to me like they're asexual (as far as they know) but open to new experiences. I can actually relate to this, albeit in a retrospective way. It was the curiosity and wanting to live the experience that made me think I was sexual. People in the situation you described may feel that way, but be more self-aware than I was. You're right that it doesn't necessarily make them grey or demi. I wonder, though, if they end up trying it and liking it to the point that it becomes important to them, will they see themselves the same way? 

[RoseGoesToYale]

From a completely presumptuous Vulcan logical standpoint, there are any number of reasons why a person would identify as an anything in this life, and that identity must serve some sort of purpose. As for asexual, my theories as follows:

-IDing as ace provides a benefit, like community, protection, or status

-There might be celibates who wish to ID as ace because the word "celibate" isn't strong enough to fend of advances of people looking for sex, or others see their celibacy as more temporary than it is

-Since the sexual revolution, people, literally anybody who has sex or sexual feelings of any sort have been subject to mass hyper-sexualization, from media, from peers, some even from themselves. The pressure to be sexual enough, and in certain ways, is immense. Perhaps these people are fed up. Maybe this is the asexual revolution. Maybe the "asexual" identity strikes back against the institution enough to make a difference.

-I know no one wants to hear it, but it does happen... asexual as an orientation is new, and new things are exciting, especially to young people. Anything to separate them from the heinous embarrassment that is the previous gen, right? There are those who want to stand out.

-There are people who legit have sex and enjoy it who don't get the hots for anyone. I couldn't possibly know, I can't reach into anyone's brain and know what they feel.

-There are sexuals who just don't give that much of a shit about sex, and saying they're asexual is easier than explaining in this hyper-sexualized society that they don't have those shits to give.

-People are genuinely confused. About life, about everything. These days everything is confusing. Doorknobs are confusing. Politics are confusing. Toe jam is confusing. This is what the net has done to us.

-We happenin' up in this hizzle, but people are under the distinct impression you gotta be ace in this club. They're pullin' out the fake IDs, as it were. Unnecessary.

 

Man, I don't care anymore. I identify as nothing. I'll just figure out whatever whenever. And when it comes down to it, no matter what you identify as, people are always going to throw their own projections and interpretations of who you are at you, whether they're right or wrong, and over the internet, you really never can tell who's telling the truth and who's pulling everything they type from their behind. Benefit of doubt or denial, makes me no difference. Goofus for life.

[Marlow1]

@RoseGoesToYale Almost all of this that you have stated my wife has been saying to me, this very week

 

I have always been led to believe that my situation is rare and because so few men post here at AVEN (compared with the number of women that post here) this has further inferred for me that there are few other guys out there really that much like me

 

But recently at our support group many more young men with similar stories are now turning up and saying sex is not of interest for them, and other stuff that we would mainly associate with Asexuality

 

The main reason though why my wife has been saying many of the same things that you are saying is because over the last few weeks reports like this have been flooding our media here in the UK

 

https://www.maxim.com/news/millennials-are-having-less-sex-than-ever-2019-4

 

There is no way that all those guys can be Asexual, surely??? Could they all be on the Spectrum, under the Umberella, or however somebody might term this?? Surely not!! The media has to be influencing this. But my question is this if these figures are true then how will anybody determine what is going on for them?? 

 

I know for certainty that it is my Aphantasia that limits my attraction etc, but other people, they are not going to be able to figure things out so easily. I have been lucky, I have had the support of a Therapist but not that many Therapists have ever even heard of AVEN

 

This is why we need folk at AVEN to be both welcoming and supportive especially to newcomers who are confused about all this. It was an absolute nightmare for my wife and I before we figured out what was going on. Without the support of AVEN my wife and I would not be together by now. The media, and other sources too suggest strongly that men like me cannot exists but these statistics are strongly suggesting otherwise. I do so hope that folk here will have a good think about all this, it is so very important!!! 

[Alejandrogynous]

1 hour ago, RoseGoesToYale said:

-We happenin' up in this hizzle, but people are under the distinct impression you gotta be ace in this club. They're pullin' out the fake IDs, as it were. Unnecessary.

This is one of the best things I've read in a while, thank you.

[Guest]

It comes from a misconception of how normal sexual people think and feel, and also from a misunderstanding of what asexuality is.

 

I've had in-depth convos with upwards of 50 people on AVEN now who identify that way, and every single time they have some warped definition of normal sexuality, which makes them THINK they must be asexual. But at the same time they're misunderstanding the fact that asexuals just don't have a desire to connect sexually with other people for pleasure.. because if they understood that they'd know they're not ace

[Snao Cone]

23 minutes ago, Marlow1 said:

This is why we need folk at AVEN to be both welcoming and supportive especially to newcomers who are confused about all this. It was an absolute nightmare for my wife and I before we figured out what was going on. Without the support of AVEN my wife and I would not be together by now. The media, and other sources too suggest strongly that men like me cannot exists but these statistics are strongly suggesting otherwise. I do so hope that folk here will have a good think about all this, it is so very important!!! 

I totally agree, and I'm glad the community helped you.  Feeling welcomed and listened to and understood is definitely important for people going through confusing times. It certainly helped me that I was allowed to work through my feelings openly here, in an environment where I didn't feel like I had to compromise my honesty to be taken seriously, since adults who don't like/want sex can be seen as immature in a very sexual culture. 

 

1 hour ago, RoseGoesToYale said:

We happenin' up in this hizzle, but people are under the distinct impression you gotta be ace in this club. They're pullin' out the fake IDs, as it were. Unnecessary.

Yeah, I think it's really important to emphasize that AVEN is filled with people who aren't asexual but still relate to the community more for various reasons (not the least of which is the memes). It's what makes our country community great. 

[Evren]

3 hours ago, Fascinated said:

Hi Miss Snao van der Cone (sorry, I don’t know how to quote you) thank you for responding with a smiley face! I don’t really feel comfortable starting my own thread but thank you for the suggestion 😊 You are very nice. I also don’t know how nuanced I can be...

You just  hit the quote bottom under her post. And if you want someone to get a notification but not quote them you write @theirname

[everywhere and nowhere]

49 minutes ago, Pan Ficto. (on hiatus?) said:

It comes from a misconception of how normal sexual people think and feel, and also from a misunderstanding of what asexuality is.

 

I've had in-depth convos with upwards of 50 people on AVEN now who identify that way, and every single time they have some warped definition of normal sexuality, which makes them THINK they must be asexual. But at the same time they're misunderstanding the fact that asexuals just don't have a desire to connect sexually with other people for pleasure.. because if they understood that they'd know they're not ace

Good point, except tht there's no such thing as "normal sexuality". There are lots of normal sexualities, including asexuality.