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KathyHoh

I am not crazy, I am just an ACE!

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KathyHoh

The fact that I am asexual occurred to me recently at 38 years of age. I just want to put my story out there. Here it goes:

As a teenager, I was never attracted to anybody. Not only was I confused why my classmates talked about boys and sex, but also repulsed by the topic. So I did not have any friends in high-school. I thought I would find refuge against sex and joined the Sunday school at a local church. I made friends there, but did not take long for everyone to notice I was different. I connected emotionally with boys, but never wanted to touch them. Then my family started wondering when I would start acting like a teenager. One of my male friends tried kissing me and tried to seduce me in vain. Eventually I started dating him mainly to get the pressure from family off my back. It was a long distance relationship, so it reduced the pressure from getting physical. Eventually I had sex because we had a relationship and I was emotionally attached to him. But I always felt it was an abuse rather than making love. Has anyone felt like that? I was not only gross but actually felt being exploited somehow. I did not know about asexuality back then but felt the urge to stay single forever. He wanted to get married and I broke up with him.  

At 27 years old: a career woman and expected get married by society. A colleague pursued me for a while, we connected emotionally. He was very religious and against sex before marriage. But he always talked about how difficult it was, how he had the urge and how he controlled himself.. I never understood any of that because I never had the urge to have sex. At this point I started believing I was different than other people but did not have the term to explain myself. We decided to get married as every one in my family was expecting me to. After the engagement, I was ok with the physical stuff to keep the relationship, and one day he just did it. I froze. He was surprised. He explained how sex worked. I understood the mechanics of it and did it just to be in the relationship. Still felt like abuse, especially the first one. He related my lack of interest in sex with having an affair or liking someone else. We discussed we both wanted to have kids. But when I got pregnant, he accused me of cheating on him. I tried to tell him I never had a crush and did not want to have sex as a teenager, that I am not attracted to anyone. He laughed at me and thought I was lying. I thought he was a jerk trying to avoid child responsibilities. Luckily I had a miscarriage. Then I broke up with him. 

I got myself two graduate level degrees, traveled around the world and enjoyed my single celibate life for several years. I never had a crush on anyone. No sexual desires. I was so happy to be alone. I made good friends, both male and female. I never thought about sex. I was a fan of "The big bang theory" and could relate to Sheldons character, but I never read much about asexuality back then.

I could not accept never having a child. I always wanted to have one child and experience motherhood. I started talking to my second ex with the intention of being just friends. I thought he would be married or in a relationship by now. He said he was single, never was over me and still wants to marry me. I explained how I was hurt he thought I was cheating on him. I also mentioned that I want to start a family but did not find anyone I could get attached to. He seemed to have understood me. It seemed easy to get back together with him because of the emotional attachment and I married him.  We did not have much time alone a few months into the marriage because we stayed in my parents home. We were living in different countries. After a few months, he started talking about my infidelity and the breakup. I said "I thought I made myself clear before the marriage". He still thought I was lying. I tried to explain my indifference to sex again. I was desperate to start a family so I ignored the red flags and got pregnant upon a visit. We were in a long distance relation so sex was not a pressure. But he started telling me his sexual fantasies and looked forward to it when we finally moved to the same country. The plan was to move in together before the baby was born. I was eight months pregnant, he still did not understand me and we argued a lot. When my mother volunteered to help with the baby, we postponed the move. 

After the baby was born, he called me and all I could say about our future was "I never want to have sex again". It was an impulse. I could not control it. I meant it. When he visited for the baptism, we had a huge fight about sex being a need or not. I cited the bible saying people have lived without sex. He said I am a hypocrite and a liar. With the arguments, we lost the emotional connection. I did not even hug him the whole visit. We postponed moving in together again. We discussed to live apart, and the baby to be raised by me and my parents. He thought it was temporary but for me that was it. I filed for a divorce. 

A few weeks ago, I started reading about asexuality and discovered myself. I finally put that label on myself and everything fell into place. I have realized that I am aromantic asexual. I came out to my parents and sister. My dad said it is like a fiction but believed me because that explained my teenage behavior. My sister seems confused and so is my mother. 

I have decided to live my life to the fullest. I was always the happiest as a celibate. Life is too short. I decided to be single forever. No dating. I will raise my baby as a single mum. My biggest fear is how difficult it would be as a single mother with no prospect of getting a partner. Is there anyone who is asexual and a single mother?

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Norgon Wolf

I am really glad you managed to find this term, a term we all hold so dear to us :) I am sorry you had to go throw that verbal abuse that you did earlier in your life, it sucks when the people closest to you don't understand you. At least now you have managed to understand yourself so hopefully life will be easier for now on.

Good luck with raising your child as well! I am not a single mother myself but I applaud you for taking that initiative. Best you can do is focus on your friends and family to support you if you need it, is my best guess

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Sinking_In
3 hours ago, KathyHoh said:

But I always felt it was an abuse rather than making love

Unfortunately, in some (if not many) cases it is, and not just for asexual people, and it simply boils down to one person is not 100% on board with it (whether coerced or forced). Don't harbor any guilt regarding your feelings on that, ever.

 

4 hours ago, KathyHoh said:

He related my lack of interest in sex with having an affair or liking someone else.

To sexual people, thinking like a sexual person, if one's interest is not with you, it must be with someone else. It can be difficult for a sexual person to understand that an asexual person cannot feel lust, at all.

 

4 hours ago, KathyHoh said:

My biggest fear is how difficult it would be as a single mother with no prospect of getting a partner

There are literally millions of single mothers in the world, and they manage, so I'm sure you will, too. As for no prospects for partners, don't sell yourself short. There may be another asexual person out there for you. Have some cake:

 

leslie-vigil-tapestry-cakes-1.jpg

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Mocha Jo

I had 2 kids when I was divorced the first time, 1 and 3 years old. I was a single parent of 2, trying to go to school and start a career to be self supporting. I doubt that I was a particularly good mother, never really wanting to be one in the first place, but both my kids grew up and are independent adults now. My daughter is now a single parent (even though I warned her how difficult it would be. But, she wanted a baby. My granddaughter is 11 months old and they are muddling through just fine.

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starting over

 Your story sounds so familiar to mine in many ways. If I could go back, my first choice would be to KNOW I was asexual and find another asexual to marry if I could. Alternatively , I would have preferred to raise my two children ON MY OWN, I stayed with my abusive (psychologically and verbally, brought on mainly from his alcoholism and my being asexual, something I didn’t discover until after 15 years of unhappy marriage). I wish I could go back and do it on my own without the hurt and abuse and drama. I hid as much from my kids as possible and I am grateful I was able to stay home most of the time with them but I have no doubt they knew too much. I am FINALLY preparing to leave him now, 22 years later... with no real education or career... good luck to you 💖

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Demiconfused
On 9/28/2019 at 11:52 PM, MandyBOB said:

 Your story sounds so familiar to mine in many ways. If I could go back, my first choice would be to KNOW I was asexual and find another asexual to marry if I could. Alternatively , I would have preferred to raise my two children ON MY OWN, I stayed with my abusive (psychologically and verbally, brought on mainly from his alcoholism and my being asexual, something I didn’t discover until after 15 years of unhappy marriage). I wish I could go back and do it on my own without the hurt and abuse and drama. I hid as much from my kids as possible and I am grateful I was able to stay home most of the time with them but I have no doubt they knew too much. I am FINALLY preparing to leave him now, 22 years later... with no real education or career... good luck to you 💖

I can relate to both MandyBOB and KathyHoh.  I just got out of an almost 30 year relationship. Like MandyBOB most of the abuse was from Alcohol though I am starting to believe he was a narcissist.  We argued frequently about sex.  I didn’t want it so I was frigid, cold, abusing him (that was a funny one), having an affair and so on.  In the middle of the night he would yell at me about sex or lack there of, when my teenage children could hear.  I wasn’t strong enough to break it off until I found out he was having an affair (though it is likely he had been doing this for a while).

 

my biggest regret on my journey, I stayed when I wasn’t happy, I did things I am not happy about (might  even say feel ashamed) and my kids learned through my actions it is ok to be abused.

You are not alone, you can do this.  If you are happy being alone than that is what you should be.  Your child will learn from your action so do what makes you happy.

 

i have adopted my oldest philosophy- You do you boo boo

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Whore*of*Mensa

I have a child, like you I always wanted to have a child - but when I did it wasn't exactly a choice...Anyway, I've been a single mother for 17 years save for a period when I sought out a partner and marriage (before I knew about asexuality and still thought I could be 'fixed'). 

 

The marriage was the most traumatic time, for me. The thing that I most struggled with was not being able to provide a father figure for my daughter. I wish that I had known about asexuality earlier, and I wish that I had accepted myself earlier on too. The greatest gift that you can give your child is to know and accept yourself, and teach her to do the same. 

 

Being a single parent is hard, I am not going to lie, but a lot depends on your feelings towards it and how much support you can get from people around you. Sometimes there is stigma, people can be judgemental, but as long as you are strong in yourself that does not need to affect you. You are starting this from a place of strength - you know you wanted a child, and you know who you are and that you will not be looking for a father figure to complete your family. You may feel some pressure about this (even your child may ask you why you don't have a 'normal' family - my child came home saying that teachers had told her she would have a father one day; that I would find someone etc etc). The stronger you are in your own identity the easier this will be. There is plenty of evidence that children can do just as well in a single parent family (and better than they would in a two parent family with a lot of conflict - conflict between parents is very confusing for children). 

 

So just stick to your guns, enjoy being a Mum and congratulations on your beautiful baby! You will both be just fine I promise xx

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Whore*of*Mensa

@KathyHoh PS if your ex wants to be involved that is good as long as he doesn't use it as leverage to get back with you or to control you. It is good for children to have good relationships with their father if possible, by Skye/messaging/whatever is good, as long as you can trust him then you should encourage that. 

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KathyHoh

I suspect he is planning to use it as leverage. I want her to have a relation with her dad but not sure if she would eventually get hurt if he tried to use her. 

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KathyHoh

Thank you all for the wonderful comments. It is like I got so many BFFs finally. I wish I had one of you as a friend in high-school.

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Whore*of*Mensa
On 11/25/2019 at 10:47 AM, KathyHoh said:

I suspect he is planning to use it as leverage. I want her to have a relation with her dad but not sure if she would eventually get hurt if he tried to use her. 

It’s a very difficult situation to manage. She will ask about her Dad when she’s older so you have to be prepared for that. It’s best to let them have a relationship if it’s possible. But set clear boundaries.

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KathyHoh
On 11/27/2019 at 12:19 AM, Whore*of*Mensa said:

It’s a very difficult situation to manage. She will ask about her Dad when she’s older so you have to be prepared for that. It’s best to let them have a relationship if it’s possible. But set clear boundaries.

Yes. I know. I am not sure how to do that though. I need to get over his accusation about cheating and lying. He is aggressive when jealous. The social worker suggested he visit her only by supervision by a professional because every time I talk to him we end up in a horrible argument. I am concerned the child may be more traumatized by the unhealthy relation of the parents

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Linda60

Interesting story.  I also have never had any interest in sex and wanted children.  My mother took me to a gynecologist when I was 16 because I had no breasts and had not started my period.  My sisters, one a year older, one a year younger had had their periods for years.  Eventually, I developed but have never been sexually attracted to anyone.  I spent decades pretending to be very sexual, passionate with desire.  I married at age 39 and had 2 sons.  My former husband divorced me "because I don't understand you sexually."  Anyhow, I am an engineer, with a graduate degree, happy, raised my sons by myself, and identify as an aromantic asexual.  If I was allowed to be who I was it would have saved me decades of heartache, medication, therapy for disorders I did not have.  The more asexuals become vocal and unapologetic about their orientation, the better, I think.  Asexuality is not a disease, disorder, diagnosis, burden, or tragedy.  It is an uncommon orientation.  I would not want to be, nor could I be, anything else.  The hardest part of it is that we all find ourselves in a fairly slim minority and that can be hard.  I'm bothered by sexuals' pity and bafflement of my "condition".  Is it really that hard to understand that some people are not sexually attracted to others?  There's nothing wrong with me.  My body, brain, and genitals work fine.  I am a parent, a runner, an engineer, a taxpayer, a sister, a daughter, a pet owner, a writer, a home owner.  I am not at all threatened by other people being really interested in sex, it's just not going to happen with me.  I wish non-asexuals would spend a fraction of the time trying to understand my orientation as I have trying to understand theirs.  

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Whore*of*Mensa
11 hours ago, KathyHoh said:

Yes. I know. I am not sure how to do that though. I need to get over his accusation about cheating and lying. He is aggressive when jealous. The social worker suggested he visit her only by supervision by a professional because every time I talk to him we end up in a horrible argument. I am concerned the child may be more traumatized by the unhealthy relation of the parents

It sounds more serious than I thought. If contact is bad for your child then most definitely do not allow it, if you can help it. It will be easier to explain that to your child than to explain why they were put in a traumatic situation. (Unfortunately I do have experience of this)

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KathyHoh
23 hours ago, Linda60 said:

Interesting story.  I also have never had any interest in sex and wanted children.  My mother took me to a gynecologist when I was 16 because I had no breasts and had not started my period.  My sisters, one a year older, one a year younger had had their periods for years.  Eventually, I developed but have never been sexually attracted to anyone.  I spent decades pretending to be very sexual, passionate with desire.  I married at age 39 and had 2 sons.  My former husband divorced me "because I don't understand you sexually."  Anyhow, I am an engineer, with a graduate degree, happy, raised my sons by myself, and identify as an aromantic asexual.  If I was allowed to be who I was it would have saved me decades of heartache, medication, therapy for disorders I did not have.  The more asexuals become vocal and unapologetic about their orientation, the better, I think.  Asexuality is not a disease, disorder, diagnosis, burden, or tragedy.  It is an uncommon orientation.  I would not want to be, nor could I be, anything else.  The hardest part of it is that we all find ourselves in a fairly slim minority and that can be hard.  I'm bothered by sexuals' pity and bafflement of my "condition".  Is it really that hard to understand that some people are not sexually attracted to others?  There's nothing wrong with me.  My body, brain, and genitals work fine.  I am a parent, a runner, an engineer, a taxpayer, a sister, a daughter, a pet owner, a writer, a home owner.  I am not at all threatened by other people being really interested in sex, it's just not going to happen with me.  I wish non-asexuals would spend a fraction of the time trying to understand my orientation as I have trying to understand theirs.  

I have a PhD and highly paid and valued in my profession. I am determined to raise my daughter by myself. Yes, we are all a valuable part of society except we do not want romance and sex. Non-asexuals are the majority so they would probably never make as much effort to understand us as we do to understand them. For us, understanding non-asexuals is a survival instinct, sometimes to pretend we are one of them and be accepted. We do need social interaction and best friends.  Social life is a basic human need. I wish there was a cafe for just aromantic asexuals to gather.

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Dances With Cats

Ya know, it's funny: I totally hear you on that feeling of sex being an exploitation or an abuse rather than the beautiful culmination of a relationship. All three of the sexual experiences I've had have felt that way, even though I had consented. I just....don't care about sex and don't want to have it! (I'm 51, first heard of asexuality at the age of 30 or so courtesy of LiveJournal, but even though I resonated with the term, it's taken me years of therapy to realize that I'm not damaged or immature or whatever because I don't want to have sex. I'm just asexual!)

Edited by Dances With Cats
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