Jump to content

I'm sexual but...


Recommended Posts

2 minutes ago, Mountain House said:

Ooooo, haven't come across that one yet. I'll keep looking. :) 

😂 How very INTP.

Link to post
Share on other sites
21 minutes ago, Someone Else said:

Oh, maybe I'll ask about the secret of confidence, and typical answers are "Dress well.  Have good posture.  Speak calmly.  Know that you will win." 

Those seem like very trite answers, perhaps given by someone who is generally confident overall but perhaps a little insecure in a particular situation, like a job interview or a first date or auditioning for a play. That stuff won't do shit for deep-seated confidence and self-worth issues that colour a person's entire existence. People often give crappy advice when they have a completely different experience of not feeling confident.

 

Women are told to smile more.

 

🙂🙂🙂 

Link to post
Share on other sites

Also here's a sex drive-related thing for me...

 

When one person's completely understandable but somewhat unfair trauma-related behaviours interplay in a certain way with the other person's very deep-seated insecurities and mental health crap and neither of you have your finest moment... yeah, that makes sex seem a bit, well, distant.

 

That said, open and honest and respectful discussion afterwards of what's going on with both of you can help you feel closer again, so there's that. I do believe that going through difficult stuff together is good for intimacy.

 

Maybe I'll be extra horny in a few weeks hahaha. Fingers crossed. 😂

  • Like 4
Link to post
Share on other sites
4 hours ago, Ceebs said:

That said, open and honest and respectful discussion afterwards of what's going on with both of you can help you feel closer again, so there's that. I do believe that going through difficult stuff together is good for intimacy.

True and yes. However, there’s nothing like connection in the flesh. Physical presence is a whole different animal. See how it goes when he gets here. Relax and ease into it. 💕


You know, you could also be subconsciously pushing each other away for fear of how it may go and all. Trust yourselves and the love you’ve developed. Don’t start second guessing now!

 

Good old bike and camping trip! Haha it’s that time of year. Last week I ordered our fire starter, new tent lanterns and finely marbled steaks for our first campfire dinner. 💕🙌🏼  Right behind you Tele! Can’t wait for our annual outback adventure. 
 

Love on each other Ceebs. Walls down, warmth in and allow it to happen. ♥️

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
50 minutes ago, Traveler40 said:

You know, you could also be subconsciously pushing each other away for fear of how it may go and all. Trust yourselves and the love you’ve developed. Don’t start second guessing now!

I'm fairly sure I'm not... hopefully. I'm excited mostly haha. We're fine, just he's been very busy with work and I've been feeling quite gastrointestinally unwell and now he's away on his camping/cycling thing (I greatly dislike camping -- bugs! allergies! physical discomfort! dirt! germs! lack of temperature control! etc.; I romanticised the idea of it as a kid because I do like being out in nature and I grew up in the countryside, but then quickly learnt I hated actual camping -- so I'm glad he can do that with someone else 🙃) and then this... I dunno what to call it, it's not even miscommunication... issue came up. He has stuff from his childhood that makes him kind of avoidant when it comes to certain things and I have some pretty intense insecurities and he handled the avoidance kinda poorly and I handled finding out about the avoidance also kinda poorly and... 😅 (Made a related thread about things here if any of you SPFA folks have some input...) Plus I think we've managed to get into a bit of the 'old married couple' domestic routine lol, so.

 

But we're good, the love is there, so so much of it. And the stuff that goes along with it and preceded it, like friendship.

 

50 minutes ago, Traveler40 said:

Love on each other Ceebs. Walls down, warmth in and allow it to happen. ♥️

I really don't doubt that it will, yeah. I'm excited for the quiet comforting moments as much as, er, anything else lol. 

Link to post
Share on other sites
aspiemason82

Im sexual but i dont like sex whit strangers, I do masturbate but loose my interest almost directly afterwards. I dont like penetration sex so thoese times i had sex i got told "your sex is not real sex" whitch felt hurtfull.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • 1 month later...
On 6/17/2022 at 1:34 AM, aspiemason82 said:

Im sexual but i dont like sex whit strangers, I do masturbate but loose my interest almost directly afterwards. I dont like penetration sex so thoese times i had sex i got told "your sex is not real sex" whitch felt hurtfull.

Why should it be less real because of lack of penetration? Are there people who still associate sex with penetration?! Theirs problem not yours! 

I'm sorry you feel hurfull for those comments, but I hope you know yours are just preferences, but still sex (as if it is important to clarify what sex is).

I read many posts here of allosexual who desire sex only with people they know. I prefer to have some kind of chemistry with a sexual a partner, too. Does it put us somewhere between Grey ace and demi? I don't think so, but if so, who cares?

I kinda think most of people lose interest immediately after masturbation.. 

I'm sorry someone made you think all these things you're worried about are "strange".

I'm sure reading some experiences here in AVEN will help you to see that whatever it is your experience with sex, it is allright!

Link to post
Share on other sites
53 minutes ago, Iphis said:

I'm sure reading some experiences here in AVEN will help you to see that whatever it is your experience with sex, it is allright!

Sure, in general. However, if you’re bothering to do any activity with another person, it makes sense to consider them, their needs and their ideas in the endeavor. Otherwise, why bother? 
 

This post had me uncomfortably remembering a time with my ace husband. (Shuddering and shaking it off currently):

 

After whatever that was I asked him in shock. “What the hell was that?” He answered, “Mormon style!” 😲

 

When ideas, needs, expectations and orientations are so vastly different, having conversations about that is imperative if you hope to have any form of connection. What you consider sex may not be seen that way by a sexual partner. Does their opinion then not matter? 

 

To me, wiping yourself across my thigh is not sex. Period. To him, I think it was checking a box? Newsflash: No “box” got checked that day…

 

Moral of the story: If attempting to have sex with others, than do so considering them as well. Communicate beforehand! Otherwise, skip it in favor of masturbation. 

 

That would then insulate you from comments likely born from unmet needs, desires and general expectations. 

Link to post
Share on other sites
17 minutes ago, Traveler40 said:

Sure, in general. However, if you’re bothering to do any activity with another person, it makes sense to consider them, their needs and their ideas in the endeavor. Otherwise, why bother? 
 

This post had me uncomfortably remembering a time with my ace husband. (Shuddering and shaking it off currently):

 

After whatever that was I asked him in shock. “What the hell was that?” He answered, “Mormon style!” 😲

 

When ideas, needs, expectations and orientations are so vastly different, having conversations about that is imperative if you hope to have any form of connection. What you consider sex may not be seen that way by a sexual partner. Does their opinion then not matter? 

 

To me, wiping yourself across my thigh is not sex. Period. To him, I think it was checking a box? Newsflash: No “box” got checked that day…

 

Moral of the story: If attempting to have sex with others, than do so considering them as well. Communicate beforehand! Otherwise, skip it in favor of masturbation. 

 

That would then insulate you from comments likely born from unmet needs, desires and general expectations. 

Thanks for making me look this thing from this perspective. For some reasons (maybe a language misunderstanding since I'm not native) I thought that the comment "your sex is not real sex" was made from a third person not from their partners.

I totally agree with you about sex communication in a relationship (even though I'm very bad in this). 

I'm still dealing with some horrible senses of guilt for how I behaved with a boy months ago, so I absolutely didn't mean to encourage to not tend to their partner needs/desires ecc.

 

Actually your experience with your ex makes me shudder, too.  

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • 3 months later...
  • 2 weeks later...
On 11/20/2022 at 1:30 PM, benben said:

Hello
me on my part I am hyper sexual but my partner does not have it, so what to do?????

Not wanting to be simplistic but with a big gap like that, are you good partners for each other?

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • 5 months later...

I am sexual but also ace, it depends on the person

Link to post
Share on other sites
a little annihilation

I'm sexual but I didn't think so until recently

Link to post
Share on other sites
53 minutes ago, USNAcadet said:

I am sexual but also ace, it depends on the person

Can you explain more? Because it sort of depends on the person for literally everyone. I've never heard of someone attracted to everyone, and it's not like we're asexual towards some people and not towards others.

 

Do you mean you form romantic bonds with people and sometimes you're into them sexually and sometimes not?

Link to post
Share on other sites
35 minutes ago, Ceebs said:

Can you explain more? Because it sort of depends on the person for literally everyone. I've never heard of someone attracted to everyone, and it's not like we're asexual towards some people and not towards others.

 

Do you mean you form romantic bonds with people and sometimes you're into them sexually and sometimes not?

I can feel very little sexual attraction and generally I feel none but usually I just have romantic bonds with some attraction

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • 1 month later...

I’m Jonny and I prefer my asexual partner to all the others I’ve had in my life

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • 2 months later...

I’m sexual but I am too focused on figuring out my life at the moment to focus on relationships. I just want to be top student of my year.

Link to post
Share on other sites

lol I forgot about this thread.

 

I'm sexual but my libido has been dead for a bit thanks to depression and probably hormones and who knows what else and I'm always paranoid it'll impact my relationship since my partner joined AVEN because he had a sexual mismatch with his suspected-to-be-asexual ex-wife even though he assures me that it was about wayyyyyy more than sex and they also didn't have a good emotional/romantic connection and I have nothing to worry about because we do have a good connection and everything is completely fine between us. 🥲

 

I like writing run-on sentences when I'm drunk. Also oversharing. 🙃

 

I think my libido would be better if we weren't long-distance. I miss in-person sex rather horribly, and these days I feel like I can't be arsed to bother with the... from afar... version. Sigh.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I've had hormonal issues for probably even longer than I've known about them (much like how it went with my late autism diagnosis), and it does make me wonder if/how it's impacted my development in that regard, along with other things.  It isn't something I agonize over, but I do wonder about it.

 

People like to cite my depression too, but in my case, I've always been ace and without libido, whereas depression is something that only started to take root in my late teens and 20s, so for me it never felt like they were directly connected.

 

Anyway, I know what the slumps are like, even if for me they affect my drive to engage with things like video games and the internet instead of anything sexual.  They'll pass, so hang in there.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
14 minutes ago, Philip027 said:

I've had hormonal issues for probably even longer than I've known about them

I suspect mine are all over the place for a variety of reasons. When I was much younger, due to eating disorder stuff (honestly the ED probably still impacts them; anorexia basically shuts everything down because of malnutrition/starvation, but bulimia still messes with them for sure) and now I'm getting to the pre-perimenopausal stage (if that's a thing?) and and all my monthly PMS symptoms are way worse than they were when I was a bit younger (and part of me is hoping it doesn't happen too soon due to my Being Very Broody issue 🙃).

 

18 minutes ago, Philip027 said:

(much like how it went with my late autism diagnosis)

Off-topic I guess, but I'm increasingly desperate to figure out that aspect of things. I still regret being too scared to find out the results of my ASD assessment in 2018. I wanted to know so badly at first, and then I didn't because what if people think differently of me (still afraid of that tbh)... and now I want to know again because so many things point to that likelihood and I want answers, but I have no way of finding out what was concluded at the time. Plus I'm really sceptical of the particular assessment I went through then anyway. Blah.

 

I also have this weird hang-up about the intersection of autism and sexuality thanks to spending so much time on AVEN (not that I think I'm asexual lol, there's zero chance of that). Can't be arsed to expand on that and I am who I am regardless, and my relationship is good in that realm even with depression slumps. But still.

 

I dunno, man. I need answers to my shit because it might help me access certain resources/help and also just because I need to understand what's up with my brain.

 

27 minutes ago, Philip027 said:

People like to cite my depression too, but in my case, I've always been ace and without libido, whereas depression is something that only started to take root in my late teens and 20s, so for me it never felt like they were directly connected.

That makes sense, yeah. It's been with me since I was about 11 even though I didn't have a word for it then, and got acutely worse around 14. I don't know why. Genetics maybe. And lots of overwhelming functionality and social issues at school and in life in general that made existence a nightmare. 
 

33 minutes ago, Philip027 said:

Anyway, I know what the slumps are like, even if for me they affect my drive to engage with things like video games and the internet instead of anything sexual.  They'll pass, so hang in there.

Yeah they're affecting other things too, so. Some of it is definitely circumstantial and some of it is probably just *~*brain wiring*~*. 🥲

 

Some of it is also Tele being super busy with work. And my crap sleep schedule. Both affect things because of the long-distance aspect.

 

We've tentatively scheduled sexytimes for later today lol. We'll see how that goes. Sorry for the TMI. 😂

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
8 hours ago, Ceebs said:

We've tentatively scheduled sexytimes for later today lol. We'll see how that goes. Sorry for the TMI. 😂

Update that no one needed: sexytimes achieved.

 

Sometimes you've gotta schedule it, I guess. 🤷🏼‍♀️😂

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
11 hours ago, Windmills of My Mind said:

Well done 👍

Lol. 😂

 

There's a pleasing illicitness to someone working from home part of the time and taking a break in the middle of the day for phone sex before a Zoom meeting.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
17 minutes ago, Ceebs said:

Lol. 😂

 

There's a pleasing illicitness to someone working from home part of the time and taking a break in the middle of the day for phone sex before a Zoom meeting.

Would be more illicit if sex happened during Zoom meeting.  Many people  mute themselves and turn off their camera anyway.  

Link to post
Share on other sites
9 hours ago, Sally said:

Would be more illicit if sex happened during Zoom meeting.  Many people  mute themselves and turn off their camera anyway.  

That's a very, very, very good point. 😂

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • 5 months later...

I’m sexual but I don’t masturbate and can’t stand the thought of porn or any sex toys.

I love my fiancé more than the air I breathe but I believe that he is asexual so maybe once every few weeks we might have sex. The problem is that I’m very anxious person with very low self esteem who values sex as way of expressing and feeling love from my partner… in saying so I don’t actually know if I’ve ever had and orgasim, and if I had then it’s nothing like I thought it would be so in some way I would consider myself Asexual but then not as I like sex as a form of pure love and reassurance. It doesn’t help that my partner is also bi (when I met him he thought he was gay) so a lot of the time I feel bad because I feel that it’s my gender that’s blocking us from being intimate. I’ve tried talking to him about this but he says that he’s tired, not feeling well or full, which my head knows is true but my heart cries as they sound like excuses. But he also says that he just doesn’t really care for sex, it’s not important to him and it’s just messy and tiring. Life is hard because my biggest battle is always my brain knowing the truth and being logical… but my heart over thinking everything and trying its best to convince of the scenarios it’s thought up. Any advice to help me better understand my partner would be great because I want to be able to shut down what my heart is saying with more logical information 🫶

Link to post
Share on other sites
5 hours ago, Bryer said:

I’m sexual but I don’t masturbate and can’t stand the thought of porn or any sex toys.

I love my fiancé more than the air I breathe but I believe that he is asexual so maybe once every few weeks we might have sex. The problem is that I’m very anxious person with very low self esteem who values sex as way of expressing and feeling love from my partner… in saying so I don’t actually know if I’ve ever had and orgasim, and if I had then it’s nothing like I thought it would be so in some way I would consider myself Asexual but then not as I like sex as a form of pure love and reassurance. It doesn’t help that my partner is also bi (when I met him he thought he was gay) so a lot of the time I feel bad because I feel that it’s my gender that’s blocking us from being intimate. I’ve tried talking to him about this but he says that he’s tired, not feeling well or full, which my head knows is true but my heart cries as they sound like excuses. But he also says that he just doesn’t really care for sex, it’s not important to him and it’s just messy and tiring. Life is hard because my biggest battle is always my brain knowing the truth and being logical… but my heart over thinking everything and trying its best to convince of the scenarios it’s thought up. Any advice to help me better understand my partner would be great because I want to be able to shut down what my heart is saying with more logical information 🫶

Your fiancé NEEDS to understand you above all! He can't let you suffer while giving you excuses to not talk with you...
(And please, don't marry if you already are feeling so bad, that just will be worse after...)

Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

×
×
  • Create New...