I'm sexual but...

[Kammi]

I'm sexual but I don't have sex when I am single, its only when i am in a relationship is when I have sex.

I'm a sexual but the guy I'm talking to is the same race as me, and because of ACE, I sometimes feel awkward and frustrated with myself when thinking about a future with him since I want my own biological kids. I'm in therapy working through this, and he's been incredibly understanding, supportive, and focused on making sure I feel safe and comfortable when we're together.

[uhtred]

21 hours ago, Kammi said:

I'm sexual but I don't have sex when I am single, its only when i am in a relationship is when I have sex.

I'm a sexual but the guy I'm talking to is the same race as me, and because of ACE, I sometimes feel awkward and frustrated with myself when thinking about a future with him since I want my own biological kids. I'm in therapy working through this, and he's been incredibly understanding, supportive, and focused on making sure I feel safe and comfortable when we're together.

Other than the issue of children, are you OK in a relationship with him that doesn't include sex?

[Ceebs]

On 3/3/2025 at 12:54 PM, Kammi said:

the guy I'm talking to

If he doesn't want children or sex and you do, why are you even continuing to pursue this? There are plenty of men in the world who want sex to be part of a romantic relationship and also to have a family.

 

You shouldn't have to be in therapy already to deal with relationship mismatches when you're still 'talking', as you say. Sometimes therapy is a good and necessary thing for long-term couples to help them navigate challenges that have come up, but if a relationship basically starts out with a need for therapy... I can't see how that's the right match or fair to either of you.

[Curious-Confused]

On 12/10/2021 at 5:15 PM, 1246 said:

I'm sexual but I feel like I almost don't have a sexuality when it isn't tied to someone else. I'm not demi, I'm not grey-a (whatever that even means), I'm not anything but... sexual... but I feel like the entire point of my own sexuality is connection with someone else. Outside of that, it barely exists. It needs another person in order to exist. Even having a libido at all seems dependent on having a connection. What does one do with a libido if someone else isn't in the picture? Have a wank, obviously. But wanking is not like shared sexual activity. Just masturbating seems sad to me. Kind of pointless. (Yes I know, pleasure can be the point, but again, my ability to feel sexual is dependent on the existence of someone else, so. Feeling that physical pleasure but disconnected from another person just makes me feel miserable.)

 

Maybe this is partly why I'm bisexual? I'm not drawn to any particular sex/gender/whatever, I'm drawn to being sexual with another person, and being sexual with them is almost solely an expression of feeling (and the reason I say I'm not demi is because those feelings could be based on something formed in the space of a few hours, although I'd still strongly prefer it be a serious relationship).

 

I assume this is why it eventually wasn't difficult to simply not have sex with my asexual ex-husband, why I was actually turned off by the idea. The emotional connection I needed wasn't there, I didn't love him, wasn't attracted to him, etc., so there were no feelings to base any desire on. Even if we got on totally fine as friends.

 

I guess it's probably why I don't actively seek people out, either. Dating sites, apps, whatever... trying to find people to date via any method... I just don't do it. I never have. There's no motivation because it feels like my sexuality doesn't exist and that seems like a really tall order -- looking at strangers on an app to see which one of them might be capable of being the sole reason I have a sexuality (intentionally worded dramatically, obvs). Although as I've got older, it's been a little different. When my most recent previous relationship ended, I started worrying about what if I never had the chance to have a connection with someone again. But it would probably have never got to the point where I'd actively look.

 

I have a problem like that in life in general. I just passively wait for things to happen by chance. I'm not a doer, I'm a lost-in-my-own-little-world person. Waiting. Waiting for what, I don't know. Waiting for things to feel ok.

 

But now we're getting into the territory of my disastrously complicated mental health, so. 🙃

I’m new to the site and I am very sexual, your post seemed to put a hand on things. I don’t know if it’s just waiting, mental health, asexuality or something else. Either way I’m still confused. Confused about my husband’s sexuality and NOW my own.