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I'm sexual but...

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Traveler40
13 minutes ago, ryn2 said:

arms’ length...  not really?

I suppose, the whole “losing interest the closer you get” is quite literally the opposite of almost anyone I’ve ever spoken to. Sure, if communication suffers or it’s a bad spot, sex may diminish for a bit, but that’s not exactly a permanent state unless something else is afoot.

 

“grey” - got it and that makes more sense. So, does the desire come and go across time? I get the impression it just goes.  Or, does the decreased amount lead to communication issues which complicates it further which leads to zero in time? (That was my impression with your ex.).

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ryn2
7 hours ago, Traveler40 said:

that’s not exactly a permanent state unless something else is afoot.

Oh, agreed.  I just don’t think that it’s an attempt to keep people at arm’s length because by then they are already well inside it... and I don’t experience sex as emotional closeness anyway (even at the start).

 

7 hours ago, Traveler40 said:

does the decreased amount lead to communication issues which complicates it further which leads to zero in time? 

Maybe for the other person?  For me the two things feel separate in most cases.

 

The situation with my most recent ex was unique for me in that 1) although I was sexually attracted to him for the brief time that we were just making out, the first time he took his clothes off I just... totally wasn’t.  It wasn’t like he was conventionally revolting; there was just something about his body/build/body type that totally turned me off.  I remember thinking wow, I don’t know if I can go through with this.  But by then we had talked for hours a few times and I really liked him and I thought if I pushed through it would be fine.  2) I was his third sex partner ever, and he’d only had limited sex (oral once with one as a once-off thing; a failed attempt at PIV twice with the other followed by an immediate breakup with the other) ever.  He had erectile dysfunction almost all the time right from the beginning, and that made any attempt to gently steer him technique-wise futile.

 

I was also competing with what at least bordered on a porn addiction so there was a lot of hiding and secrets right from the start.

 

In my prior relationships the sex was good to really good, but still never something I experienced as bonding or communicating.  It was more like going hiking, or dancing (at a club, not something “communication-intensive” like tango) or running - a physically-exerting activity that was more fun with someone than it was alone but that was still two people doing the same thing together rather than two people becoming “closer than just side-by-side.”

 

I can think of a couple of other cases prior to my most recent ex where I felt equally turned-off but with them it was before we got to actual PIV and I just broke things off.  I didn’t like either of them in a more general way though.

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CBC
7 hours ago, Traveler40 said:

So, I gently said, “You’re MY person”. He chuckled then replied, “Ah, yes.  You’re definitely my person....” ♥️

Aw well that made me feel... feelings, haha. I'm glad you both understand that concept.

 

7 hours ago, Traveler40 said:

You don’t say....THAT is how it is for sexuals! 👏🏻  😂

Hahaha yup, sure is. 😁

 

7 hours ago, Traveler40 said:

Beyond my wiseass-ish-ness, I’m really happy you two found each other. Skulls has profoundly changed your life in a multitude of ways. 
 

Edit: I’m also thinking that’s a two way street, but I mainly read what you throw down. I’ve had a busy couple of days and am catching up. I hope you haven’t kicked off on sabbatical yet.

She certainly has and I very much hope it's a two way street, yeah. I think so? She's having a rough time right now and taking an AVEN break so I won't presume to speak for her, nor do I exactly want to toot my own horn as they say, but I do remember this that I posted in another thread back in the summer. It means the world to me, as does she.

 


 

7 hours ago, Traveler40 said:

I hope you haven’t kicked off on sabbatical yet.

I don't really know what's happening, I put in a request to have my posting ability suspended and got an "I'll look into that for you" as a reply and haven't heard anything more. So ya know, I'm still checking and posting obvs. 😂 At this rate, I'll change my mind haha. Being here was causing some problems in another area of life and I thought it best to just give it a rest, but I... don't know if maybe it's fine after all? (Weird explanation, I know.)

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Traveler40
4 hours ago, ryn2 said:

In my prior relationships the sex was good to really good, but still never something I experienced as bonding or communicating.  It was more like going hiking, or dancing (at a club, not something “communication-intensive” like tango) or running - a physically-exerting activity that was more fun with someone than it was alone but that was still two people doing the same thing together rather than two people becoming “closer than just side-by-side.”

I completely see now how you thought ace for some time. That’s not how many (🤔 most?) experience sex. Ultimately, it’s not just another activity.  
 

Now, I’m kind of redefining grey in my mind. Hmmm, it’s complicated when nothing quite fits. 

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Traveler40

@CBC - can’t quote via edit. Sigh. This is in reference to your compliment mentioned above:


Hahaha love it - compliment spotted!
 

Then you somehow made it to “oh fuck off...” in short order, but love was definitely in the air on that thread! 😉

 

Well, keep us posted on the sabbatical to be - or not to be. If you’re here, we’ll know by default and be all the happier. 

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CBC
2 minutes ago, Traveler40 said:

Then you somehow made it to “oh fuck off...” in short order, but love was definitely in the air on that thread! 😉

Oh it was a loving "fuck off" for sure. We call each other "asshole" sometimes and I get referred to as "dillweed" and "dork", so. 😂 (Trust me though, we're sappy too.)

 

7 minutes ago, Traveler40 said:

Well, keep us posted on the sabbatical to be - or not to be. If you’re here, we’ll know by default and be all the happier. 

Yeah I dunno if I'll hear back, if I don't... guess I'm here?

 

It's weird when a website is a big part of your social life. It brings real offline benefits and has real offline drawbacks. But I'm in this complicated relationship no matter what I guess, so. (By which I mean my relationship with AVEN, lol.)

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CBC
33 minutes ago, Traveler40 said:

Now, I’m kind of redefining grey in my mind.

Also, does 'grey' even have a consistent definition? I've no clue.

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Traveler40

Given this mini discussion, clearly not.  I always thought it meant just low libido, while assuming the sex (once desired) as normally experienced across sexuals?  Meaning more connecting than simply just another activity. 

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CBC

Yeah I'm a bit lost on it. Seems like a catch-all term for people who perceive that they want sex a lot less than most people seem to, or under much more highly specific circumstances only. 
 

¯\_(ツ)_/¯ 

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ryn2
4 hours ago, Traveler40 said:

That’s not how many (🤔 most?) experience sex.

Yeah, it’s hard to know how prevalent it is because people who do experience it that way would not likely be on here expressing concerns about it.

 

A friend of mine in a big-city kink community thinks it is very prevalent, as she has met many men and some women who “just want to get off” and have no interest at all in bonding.  It’s hard to know because people who don’t feel a lack of something typically aren’t on the internet talking about it.

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ryn2
3 hours ago, CBC said:

Also, does 'grey' even have a consistent definition? I've no clue.

I’ve mostly seen it used for “experiencing something different than most people do, something which likely isn’t ‘sexual enough’ for most sexuals, but which can’t be considered asexuality because there is or was some experience of sexual attraction and/or desire.”

 

3 hours ago, Traveler40 said:

thought it meant just low libido

That would be one potential flavor, but there are plenty of high-libido aces.  They just don’t seek partnered sex to address their libidos’ demands.

 

3 hours ago, CBC said:

Seems like a catch-all term for people who perceive that they want sex a lot less than most people seem to, or under much more highly specific circumstances only. 

That’s in line with my understanding.

 

It’s sometimes used for “I previously experienced attraction/desire but no longer do and am effectively asexual,” which is the reason I’m using it.

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Yeah it seems to have various uses. I don't really... I dunno, I don't quite subscribe to the "asexuality is a spectrum" thing so much as "sexuality is a spectrum"... but whatever really. Semantics, perhaps. I spent so many years in the wrong situation that I could've applied it to myself for a while if I wanted to. I just didn't give a shit anymore and was very close to resigning myself to that for life. At this point I don't care to untangle the technicalities of what was due to my husband's sexuality, what was due to mine, and what was just a case of "wrong person" regardless, but my brain had mostly checked out of the whole topic of sexuality. Jesus Christ, it was all so... empty. I'd had brief connections and feelings elsewhere (before and after knowing him), but nothing that progressed to a full, loving relationship. So my capacity to connect to sex properly was always just a big damn question mark. But whatever, past is past.

 

Anyway yeah, to me, 'grey' seems like this hazy zone of... something's not fully connected properly but also not absent, either.

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ryn2
24 minutes ago, CBC said:

I don't quite subscribe to the "asexuality is a spectrum" thing so much as "sexuality is a spectrum"...

This makes the most sense to me as well but I know it’s not universally accepted.

 

25 minutes ago, CBC said:

Anyway yeah, to me, 'grey' seems like this hazy zone of... something's not fully connected properly but also not absent, either.

Same.

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CBC

Yep.

 

This is one of those "Keep your mouth shut instead of expanding on that, Ceebs" moments. Voluntary breaks are fine; externally-imposed suspensions are not my fave. 😂

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Oh lol and then there's "semisexual"... someone just made a thread about that. Haven't seen it in about a decade. I'm not sure what good it is having all these different words denoting similar things... some sort of grey zone... but then what do I know.

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ryn2

I think the (a?) problem is... on one hand you have sexual people expressing hurt and anger over having been misled, advising complete transparency from the start, etc., and on the other you have people who are very clearly asexual uncomfortable about the misunderstandings that arise when people who aren’t quite asexual choose that label.

 

That leaves a third (potentially quite varied) group of people kind of stuck as to how to proceed.  What do they tell the sexual partners?  How do they find potential partners who might be similarly inclined/compatible?

 

Even when it seems like there’s an easy answer, the amount of heated discussion implies there isn’t...

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CBC
1 hour ago, ryn2 said:

How do they find potential partners who might be similarly inclined/compatible?

That's why I like commonly-understood words and full sentences. Communication ain't that hard, folks.

 

Meanwhile the semisexual thread is a bit of a shitshow now, lol. Not in a bad way actually... seems like most people are discarding it as ridiculous.

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Pan Ficto. (on hiatus?)
16 minutes ago, CBC said:

Meanwhile the semisexual thread is a bit of a shitshow now, lol. 

Could I pretty please have a link to that? :P

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1 minute ago, Pan Ficto. (on hiatus?) said:

Could I pretty please have a link to that? :P

Sure thing. :P

 

 

 

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Pan Ficto. (on hiatus?)
2 minutes ago, CBC said:

Sure thing. :P

 

 

 

Thank you kindly lovely lady!! :3

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Moon Spirit ☽
2 hours ago, CBC said:

I don't quite subscribe to the "asexuality is a spectrum" thing so much as "sexuality is a spectrum"

Same. The prefix a- means "not" so asexual means "not sexual." There are various levels to sexuality but it doesn't make sense for there to be levels to asexuality since it is the lack of sexuality.

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