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I'm sexual but...


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On 1/9/2020 at 3:25 PM, CBC said:

Ok well... these are posted entirely publicly anyway, and I've cropped or scribbled out all identifying information... so, enjoy? 😬 (Some of them were based on holiday-themed writing prompts, like "tree" and "candy cane".)


(Should I feel bad for sharing these? They genuinely are completely public, so. 🤷🏼‍♀️)

 

CONTENT WARNING: VERY GRAPHIC SEXUAL STUFF!

 

  Reveal hidden contents

B8-A3-B67-C-CF7-F-4-B27-A108-0-D643-F14-

0-B55359-D-AFC1-433-F-9-D13-ABA35-E49215

F2-F0-CDE0-66-BA-466-E-B448-EB24-F19-FC6

51-A5-EE57-B5-E8-4-C36-AAB2-E9832-BD7-DA

29-F8-BA67-824-C-47-DE-88-F0-B23016-A863

04-BC9-A92-E80-D-4-AA1-8-F93-1-F26-E15-B

I don't know what's worse, the extreme ickiness (since I'm asexual) or the semantic horribleness (since I'm a writer).  But it's my fault for ignoring your warning.  Although I'd rather blame it on you, dear CeeBeeCee.

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justdifferent
7 hours ago, CBC said:

 

In regards to the rest of that, interestingly, I know a lot about the damn vagus nerve haha. Mine has been damaged due to a particular health issue and it doesn't function normally anymore. It certainly is important, yeah... learnt that one in multiple ways.

 

Interesting! I wouldn't be surprised if mine is damaged as well. Do you practice meditation, breathing exercises or similar? I find things like that very hard but also very useful.

 

7 hours ago, ryn2 said:
8 hours ago, CBC said:

 

If I have a person, I’m sometimes equally comfortable around my person... but, yes, totes agreed overall.

I'm normally never as comfortable around people for extended periods of time, but can feel quite happy for a while. Usually it ebbs off and I need space and alone-time. 

 

 

By the way I'm going on a trip with friends tonight, for the weekend, and I'm not looking forward to it. But it will be an exercise in a lot of things I suppose. As long as I'll be able to sleep in the night I'll be ok I guess. Wish me luck :)

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justdifferent
7 minutes ago, CBC said:

I'm shit at meditation and I'm weird when it comes to things like breathing exercises. I struggle with panic attacks as a result of some traumatic experiences, and those experiences in part involved not being able to breathe (well, not much, and not comfortably). Focusing on breathing gets me really lost in my head and can trip me out and make me dissociate, so I try not to focus on breathing a lot. Same goes for those weighted blanket things made for people with anxiety -- the weight wouldn't comfort me, it would make me feel confined and choked up and anxious. Which, bringing the topic back to sex haha, since that's the point of this thread, means that I'm not one for any sort of... sexual practices that involve restraints on myself. I'm ok with my hands being held away from myself so I can't, um, do anything... but any significant bodily restraints and my brain would instinctively respond with fear. And fear isn't compatible with feeling safe, and not feeling safe isn't compatible with enjoyable sex, so.

 

I'm sad to hear this! I believe trauma is the mother of a lot of chronic diseases. 

 

Normally my breathing is super-shallow, but I found this way of restraining my breath by "whispering" when breathing out, effectively making the out-breath longer. This activates the Vagus nerve, and has helped me a lot. Also the so called Wim Hoff breathing has helped - although it seems impossible at first, and rrreally hard to do, I feel like a completely new person after I do it. 

 

Anyway - back to sex - I have some sexual/identity experiences that are at the root of all this, basically trauma as well, accumulated trauma is my guess.

 

I wrote this long post about it that I skipped posting because I was too tired to edit properly. Long story short some childhood stuff: not too unnormal and just that my mother left for a sect when I was about 3 years old and never really came back to my life, next stepmother whom I thought of as mother, kind of, left when I was around 13 and some complications around that, some infidelity, and then later being covertly bullied/gaslighted by one of my closest friends over time.

 

He used my insecurities about sexuality actively in this "subtle" bullying, by amongst other things mumbling sexual innuendo to me. Every time I asked what he just said, he told me me something completely different. I started to be even more insecure and finally decided to record some of our interactions. I found out that I was right, he did say sexual innuendos under his breath. And also during this time he hid my things, and did a whole lot of Needless to say we are no longer friends. 

 

I'm left as a shell of myself, quite nervous and suffering from what I believe is PTSD from emotional abuse. It's a lot more details to this story offcourse. Now I'm off to the mountains(!) See ya!

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1 hour ago, justdifferent said:

Needless to say we are no longer friends. 

Good, because it sure sounds like your life is better without him in it!

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4 minutes ago, CBC said:

The traumatic experiences I've had have been due to several situations where I nearly died.

Another friend is coming to terms with this regarding childhood seizures.  It’s not what a lot of people mean when they say or hear “past trauma” but the effects, PTSD, etc., are the same. 

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28 minutes ago, CBC said:

Panic and hypervigilance, extreme health anxiety, inability to be alone for fear of something happening and me needing emergency help and no one getting to me in time, etc.

This is very similar to what my other friend experiences, plus intense fear of the dark.  It took forever to link it to her medical history because 1) she was a young preschooler when her worst seizures happened and 2) she has little memory of those years.

 

49 minutes ago, CBC said:

 

Goddamn though, I hate when people think eating disorders are either ways to try to look good or to intentionally kill yourself.

*nod nod*
 

It’s so much more complicated than that, and at its core it’s usually about combatting a real or perceived lack of control. 

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On 1/15/2020 at 2:24 PM, ryn2 said:

The closer I get to people mentally and emotionally, the less and less interested I am in them sexually.

I don’t think this is due to being asexual. I’m not sure what happens here or why, but you definitely seem to connect sexually initially. As I said a day or so ago, “arms length”. 🤔 Tough all the way around Ryn.

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On 1/15/2020 at 6:25 PM, CBC said:

. It's better than terms like "partner" or "best friend" or whatever. It encompasses more than those words seem to.

Just, yeah.
 

Funny: This made me call my lover and ask, “Who’s your person?”  He was confused for a hot minute and asked, “My person? I have a few. My gardner? Housekeeper? What, you need a number?” 😂🙄

 

So, I gently said, “You’re MY person”. He chuckled then replied, “Ah, yes.  You’re definitely my person....” ♥️

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4 minutes ago, Traveler40 said:

I don’t think this is due to being asexual. I’m not sure what happens here or why, but you definitely seem to connect sexually initially. As I said a day or so ago, “arms length”. 🤔 Tough all the way around Ryn.

Agreed, I go with “grey” these days.

 

Re:  arms’ length...  not really?  I developed close, supportive, comfortably intimate relationships with most of these guys that often included sharing (officially or otherwise) a residence, sleeping (literally) together, sharing life’s ups and downs, being comfortable naked/using the bathroom/etc., traveling, etc.  Those relationships were long-lasting, and different than even the closest relationships I have with my friends.  But rather than enriching the relationships, sex was a fun thing we did together... and then it gradually got boring and not doing it was more fun.

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8 hours ago, CBC said:

But sex being a positive thing has actually had a profound impact on my mental health.

You don’t say....THAT is how it is for sexuals! 👏🏻  😂

 

Beyond my wiseass-ish-ness, I’m really happy you two found each other. Skulls has profoundly changed your life in a multitude of ways. 
 

Edit: I’m also thinking that’s a two way street, but I mainly read what you throw down. I’ve had a busy couple of days and am catching up. I hope you haven’t kicked off on sabbatical yet.

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13 minutes ago, ryn2 said:

arms’ length...  not really?

I suppose, the whole “losing interest the closer you get” is quite literally the opposite of almost anyone I’ve ever spoken to. Sure, if communication suffers or it’s a bad spot, sex may diminish for a bit, but that’s not exactly a permanent state unless something else is afoot.

 

“grey” - got it and that makes more sense. So, does the desire come and go across time? I get the impression it just goes.  Or, does the decreased amount lead to communication issues which complicates it further which leads to zero in time? (That was my impression with your ex.).

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7 hours ago, Traveler40 said:

that’s not exactly a permanent state unless something else is afoot.

Oh, agreed.  I just don’t think that it’s an attempt to keep people at arm’s length because by then they are already well inside it... and I don’t experience sex as emotional closeness anyway (even at the start).

 

7 hours ago, Traveler40 said:

does the decreased amount lead to communication issues which complicates it further which leads to zero in time? 

Maybe for the other person?  For me the two things feel separate in most cases.

 

The situation with my most recent ex was unique for me in that 1) although I was sexually attracted to him for the brief time that we were just making out, the first time he took his clothes off I just... totally wasn’t.  It wasn’t like he was conventionally revolting; there was just something about his body/build/body type that totally turned me off.  I remember thinking wow, I don’t know if I can go through with this.  But by then we had talked for hours a few times and I really liked him and I thought if I pushed through it would be fine.  2) I was his third sex partner ever, and he’d only had limited sex (oral once with one as a once-off thing; a failed attempt at PIV twice with the other followed by an immediate breakup with the other) ever.  He had erectile dysfunction almost all the time right from the beginning, and that made any attempt to gently steer him technique-wise futile.

 

I was also competing with what at least bordered on a porn addiction so there was a lot of hiding and secrets right from the start.

 

In my prior relationships the sex was good to really good, but still never something I experienced as bonding or communicating.  It was more like going hiking, or dancing (at a club, not something “communication-intensive” like tango) or running - a physically-exerting activity that was more fun with someone than it was alone but that was still two people doing the same thing together rather than two people becoming “closer than just side-by-side.”

 

I can think of a couple of other cases prior to my most recent ex where I felt equally turned-off but with them it was before we got to actual PIV and I just broke things off.  I didn’t like either of them in a more general way though.

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4 hours ago, ryn2 said:

In my prior relationships the sex was good to really good, but still never something I experienced as bonding or communicating.  It was more like going hiking, or dancing (at a club, not something “communication-intensive” like tango) or running - a physically-exerting activity that was more fun with someone than it was alone but that was still two people doing the same thing together rather than two people becoming “closer than just side-by-side.”

I completely see now how you thought ace for some time. That’s not how many (🤔 most?) experience sex. Ultimately, it’s not just another activity.  
 

Now, I’m kind of redefining grey in my mind. Hmmm, it’s complicated when nothing quite fits. 

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@CBC - can’t quote via edit. Sigh. This is in reference to your compliment mentioned above:


Hahaha love it - compliment spotted!
 

Then you somehow made it to “oh fuck off...” in short order, but love was definitely in the air on that thread! 😉

 

Well, keep us posted on the sabbatical to be - or not to be. If you’re here, we’ll know by default and be all the happier. 

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Given this mini discussion, clearly not.  I always thought it meant just low libido, while assuming the sex (once desired) as normally experienced across sexuals?  Meaning more connecting than simply just another activity. 

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4 hours ago, Traveler40 said:

That’s not how many (🤔 most?) experience sex.

Yeah, it’s hard to know how prevalent it is because people who do experience it that way would not likely be on here expressing concerns about it.

 

A friend of mine in a big-city kink community thinks it is very prevalent, as she has met many men and some women who “just want to get off” and have no interest at all in bonding.  It’s hard to know because people who don’t feel a lack of something typically aren’t on the internet talking about it.

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3 hours ago, CBC said:

Also, does 'grey' even have a consistent definition? I've no clue.

I’ve mostly seen it used for “experiencing something different than most people do, something which likely isn’t ‘sexual enough’ for most sexuals, but which can’t be considered asexuality because there is or was some experience of sexual attraction and/or desire.”

 

3 hours ago, Traveler40 said:

thought it meant just low libido

That would be one potential flavor, but there are plenty of high-libido aces.  They just don’t seek partnered sex to address their libidos’ demands.

 

3 hours ago, CBC said:

Seems like a catch-all term for people who perceive that they want sex a lot less than most people seem to, or under much more highly specific circumstances only. 

That’s in line with my understanding.

 

It’s sometimes used for “I previously experienced attraction/desire but no longer do and am effectively asexual,” which is the reason I’m using it.

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24 minutes ago, CBC said:

I don't quite subscribe to the "asexuality is a spectrum" thing so much as "sexuality is a spectrum"...

This makes the most sense to me as well but I know it’s not universally accepted.

 

25 minutes ago, CBC said:

Anyway yeah, to me, 'grey' seems like this hazy zone of... something's not fully connected properly but also not absent, either.

Same.

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I think the (a?) problem is... on one hand you have sexual people expressing hurt and anger over having been misled, advising complete transparency from the start, etc., and on the other you have people who are very clearly asexual uncomfortable about the misunderstandings that arise when people who aren’t quite asexual choose that label.

 

That leaves a third (potentially quite varied) group of people kind of stuck as to how to proceed.  What do they tell the sexual partners?  How do they find potential partners who might be similarly inclined/compatible?

 

Even when it seems like there’s an easy answer, the amount of heated discussion implies there isn’t...

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2 hours ago, CBC said:

I don't quite subscribe to the "asexuality is a spectrum" thing so much as "sexuality is a spectrum"

Same. The prefix a- means "not" so asexual means "not sexual." There are various levels to sexuality but it doesn't make sense for there to be levels to asexuality since it is the lack of sexuality.

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1 hour ago, CBC said:

Communication ain't that hard, folks.

I’m sure struggling with it!  “Too ace to be straight but too straight to be ace” is clear enough but not helpful.  :)

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1 hour ago, ryn2 said:

I’m sure struggling with it!  “Too ace to be straight but too straight to be ace” is clear enough but not helpful.  :)

What's wrong with "I like sex fine but to me it isn't emotional at all, just exercising together"? 

 

Most people I know have had sex without emotion just for the sake of sex. Some tie it together to emotions in a relationship, some dont. Nowadays sex being casual and non emotional seems more widely accepted. 

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One interesting thing that I've discovered... I've never once yet had the experience of becoming close to someone online and then meeting up in person and finding they weren't basically exactly who I already knew and anticipated. Which I think is pretty cool.

I have met people I originally only knew online... one, two, three, four, five times in my life, if I'm not missing anyone which I certainly could be (the first and last of those were relationship partners of mine, incidentally)

 

On all occasions they were all pretty much what I had anticipated, as well.

 

Quote

I’ve always wondered how people fall in love online.

Speaking as someone who's only ever developed crushy feelings online, I never felt like it would be that drastically different from doing so in meatspace.  It just never ended up happening for me that way.  I feel like in some cases, interacting online makes it easier for people to open up and talk about themselves due to the fact there aren't direct RL distractions going on that might take over in a real-life interaction.  For instance, on a typical date or something at the movie theater, the people involved might be more inclined to pay attention to the movie rather than, like, actually talk about themselves in the middle of a movie theater and annoy everyone else in attendance.

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That's honestly what I love about communities like AVEN and a few others I've been a part of. People talk honestly about themselves, about life, about vulnerable things. They're generally not here to impress potential dates, and you don't start off talking one-on-one. You observe people and get to know things about them (if they're regulars and they're fairly open), from a bit of a distance at first, with no pressure, and then you can choose to interact privately. By that point you kinda know them to some degree. The online world has served me well in terms of a handful of really meaningful and honest connections.

Precisely how my current relationship started out!  My partner had already gotten some degree of familiarity with me through observing some of my other posts before introducing themself to me (and thank goodness for that, because otherwise their first impression of me would have been me being a whiny angsty twit)

 

I'm gonna guess it was more or less like that with your previous and current relationships too.

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Now I totally want to see this art, but I would totally understand if you (or Skulls) didn't want to put it up for public viewing (or at all)

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1 hour ago, Serran said:

What's wrong with "I like sex fine but to me it isn't emotional at all, just exercising together"? 

I don’t think that’s @ryn2’s issue. Correct me if I’m wrong Ryn, but the issue is that you start out fine (without connection and all) but you lose all desire in fairly short order. Yes? Maintaining the relationship is the challenge, not so much defining exactly what it’s like for you. Correct?

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