Jump to content

I Think I Might Be Demi and I Don't Know What To Do


rebecca_is_ace

Recommended Posts

rebecca_is_ace

I've identified with asexual for around 3 years now. A year and a half ago, my boyfriend asked me out and, when he did this, I made sure to let him know that I was asexual as i know sex in a relationship can be a deal-breaker for some people. Luckily for me, he was completely fine with it!!

 

Recently, I've been feeling these feelings I have never dealt with before toward him, and i'm pretty sure its sexual attraction. I'm at a loss because I was really sure that I was asexual and I was so confident in it, and now i'm finding out that i'm not and I feel like I've been lying to everybody by being someone that i'm not. 

I'm not really sure how to tell my boyfriend, or how to tell him that I would like to have sex with him. I don't even know where to start with everything. I'm really no good at just saying what I mean, and I don't want to make it awkward in case he doesn't feel the same way.

 

 

I guess I just needed somewhere to rant about it, as I've always been really awkward around the topic of sex and I don't really have anyone that I'd feel comfortable talking about it to

Link to post
Share on other sites

I've moved this thread from "Questions about Asexuality" to "The Gray Area, Sex and Related Discussions".
 
Michael Tannock,
Open Mic moderator and Questions about Asexuality Co-moderator.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I don't think it's a lie if you didn't know, and I don't know how you could have known if you hadn't experienced Sexual Attraction before.

 

The first thing you'll need to do is determine if it's Sexual Attraction that you're feeling, and not Arousal or another type of attraction.
Perhaps a breakdown will be helpful for you.
There's Sexual Attraction, which I define as leading to the desire to have sex with someone (This is different from arousal, which doesn't always lead to desiring sex).
There's Romantic Attraction, which I define as leading to the desire to have a romantic relationship (I still don't know what that is, I'm Aromantic).
There's Sensual Attraction, which I define as leading to the desire to have intimate non-sexual physical contact with someone, like cuddling.
There's Aesthetic Attraction, which I define as leading to the desire to appreciate someone's aesthetic beauty (you can't take your eyes off them).
There's Platonic Attraction, which I define as leading to the desire to have a close friendship with someone.
And more.

 

If it is Sexual Attraction, then I'd say to say to him what you've said here, that you're feeling something you haven't felt before.

Link to post
Share on other sites

 

3 hours ago, rebecca_is_ace said:

I feel like I've been lying to everybody by being someone that i'm not.

It's kind of like this: If someone old people that they were straight all their life, and truly believed it, but one day discovered that they were gay or bi or whatever, people wouldn't reprimand them for lying. They would just remember that the person actually was lgbtq+. 

As for explaining how you feel, let him know that he's made you feel how you've never felt before and explain that this makes you think you may be demi.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • 1 month later...

I am also questioning whether I might be demi when I thought I was asexual for my entire adult life, and I don't know what to do either. Sorry I don't have any advice for you...but maybe there's some comfort in knowing you're not the only one experiencing this?

Link to post
Share on other sites
AceMissBehaving

I thought I was straight and then figured out I was ace later in life. It's not a lie to learn from experience.

Link to post
Share on other sites
rebecca_is_ace
17 hours ago, cesario358 said:

I am also questioning whether I might be demi when I thought I was asexual for my entire adult life, and I don't know what to do either. Sorry I don't have any advice for you...but maybe there's some comfort in knowing you're not the only one experiencing this?

There certainly is, thank you so much!! 

 

I did a lot of thinking about it, and I realised that I definitely was demi. 

I told my boyfriend so, and he didn't really understand (which is fair enough, not many people do know about demisexuality). We haven't really talked about it much though

 

If I could give you any tips, it'd be that, if you're in a relationship, really think about if you can actually see yourself getting that intimate with them. And, to make sure it's not just an arousal thing or whatever, check at different times throughout a month or so. If you really can, then it's a strong sign that you're demi. Though its probably different for everyone!! 

 

I wish you the very best of luck in both finding out if you are, and in coming to terms with whether you are or not!! 😁

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • 4 weeks later...

Don't ever feel like you have to hide your  feelings just because it doesn't fit within the confines of an artificial label.   Do what feels right for you.  As you stated with what you did, check your feelings and make sure you actually want the change you think you want.   And above all else communication is key.  Talk to your partner and make sure that they understand your feelings and where you are coming from.   

 

I would also point out that you should probably have a conversation about easing into things.  Slowly go further and test your boundaries,  if something doesn't feel right you should be able to say so with your partners understanding that they shouldn't try to push you further. 

 

I will say I'm not sure how old you are but I'm in my late 30's and just recently discovered the term Demisexual, which fits me perfectly.  For me it all comes down to the attraction levels.   I find many people aesthetically pleasing but would never want more than that. After some time I have found a few people sensually attractive and have had desires to hug and cuddle but never more.  Many years ago I had tried to force romantic attraction and that never went well.   

 

I almost always start at either aesthetic or platonic attraction and go up from there, only twice in my life have I gotten to romantic and eventually sexual attraction.   It's a rare thing for me and until something like that happens you never know.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...