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EvlRgl92

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Hello! My wife and I married a in April of 2018 and My amazing wife has come to terms with her being Asexual. She told me this morning and I am so honored that she felt comfortable telling me her truth. 

 

I want to make sure I respect her and her feelings but I am so new to this that I don’t want to offended or do the wrong thing. Along with her and I having  open communication, what can I do to be a better wife and partner within her Asexuality?

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Welcome, congratulations, and :cake: !

 

Sounds like you are off to a good start. I'd say continue on that path. Other than that I don't have any good advice. Maybe others here with more experience with relationships will have some thoughts. Best wishes!

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Talk with her about how she feels about sex, what she would be comfortable/uncomfortable with, and what compromises the two of you can work out.  

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having strong and open conversation is absolutely the keystone in any relationship between people with functionally different perspectives. understanding that both of you have to put thoughts and feelings that don't naturally inhabit the other onto a language like english is important and very healthy, it's awesome that you two seem to already have that understood.

sometimes it is hard still not to assume other people think and feel like you do, or that because you think and feel differently you are wrong. you might find yourself feeling 'unsexy' without an expected external affirmation, as the idea of sexy might not exist natively within your companion's lexicon. you might grow saddened by your partner missing out on sexuality, even though to her there is nothing to miss out on. you might even find yourself resentful of your own sexuality, that if you didn't experience it in the way that you do you could provide an easier relationship to this person that you care about.

every relationship has it's trials and tribulations. the path the two of you are on is unique, we all travel over different mountains with different strides, however every journey counted by number of steps. best of luck on your pilgrimage.

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Newbie here, but I'd say that you're already doing amazing by ensuring your communication remains open! Ask her how she defines her asexuality. Overall it means "not feeling sexual attraction," but there's a lot of variation outside of that. The asexual label itself doesn't say anything about how that person feels about sex, romance, intimacy, etc.

 

I've done a bit of reading around and asexuals can be just as varied as sexuals when it comes to feelings around sex. She mind not mind having sex, or maybe she would prefer not to engage but wouldn't mind helping you get sexual release. She might not even know herself what she feels comfortable with! Keep that communication open and ensure that she feels comfortable telling you what she likes and dislikes. But be honest about your needs too. Just because she is asexual doesn't mean your needs are any less valued. Hiding, supressing, or faking feelings only breeds resentment. But I think you're already off to a great start! After all, she felt comfortable enough to tell you the truth. And you clearly respect her feelings as well. If you're open and honest I don't think you have to worry about offending her. 

 

Beyond sex, some asexuals fulfil their need for intimacy through kissing, cuddling, or even just spending time together. Again, find out what she likes to ensure you're both happy and fulfilled. It's not a quick 1-2 answer, I know, but everybody is so different.

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On 9/23/2019 at 6:29 AM, EvlRgl92 said:

My amazing wife has come to terms with her being Asexual. She told me this morning and I am so honored that she felt comfortable telling me her truth. 

You are in shock right now. This is not really a normal response to being told you aren't going to get happily laid again 😛

 

Jokes apart, you really are in shock. Right now, you are looking at what asexuality means for her. With time, you will start facing what her asexuality means for you.

 

A period of shock is NOT a good time to make longterm decisions. I would advise you to keep the conversations going, but be aware that you are both fumbling your way forward and she's had a longer time to think about this than you. Be very careful before you make hasty long term reassurances. An emotional "I would never expect you to have sex if you didn't want it" is very very hard to turn into "could you at least consider meeting me half way on intimacy" retrospectively.

 

Also, because asexuals don't really think of sex as often as we do, an assurance of sex being a non-issue is very likely to return her to a normal life with that pesky sex thing sorted out, while you struggle with your own needs.

 

Recognise that you don't yet know the full implications of this development, and be sure to present both offers and requests as "let us try" rather than a concrete statement of your stand. Make sure that she is aware that this is a situation involving BOTH of you and that she will need to care for you as well, as you will need to care for her. If you are truly okay without sex, she won't have to be troubled by anything, but if the lack distresses you, her being aware of the possibility and doing what she can to make you feel loved can make all the difference.

 

If need be, SHOW her this reply.

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You can't really say someone you don't know, who has posted a couple of posts on the internet, is in shock. Sounds rather disrespectful to tell someone else what they are feeling.

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30 minutes ago, anamikanon said:

You are in shock right now. This is not really a normal response to being told you aren't going to get happily laid again 😛

 

 

Wow. No. Just no. 

 

OP's reply was perfect.

 

You're seriously suggesting that people refuse to comfort and fully accept their partners just because some day they may get sad? I can't wrap my head around that. How is that a relationship of any kind? Dang, even my boss will respond positively to my needs... but you're advising a spouse to without acceptance and support? That's not cool. 

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6 minutes ago, skullery said:

You're seriously suggesting that people refuse to comfort and fully accept their partners just because some day they may get sad?

huh?

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41 minutes ago, anamikanon said:

An emotional "I would never expect you to have sex if you didn't want it" is very very hard to turn into "could you at least consider meeting me half way on intimacy" retrospectively.

 

 

1 minute ago, anamikanon said:

huh?

 

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18 minutes ago, daveb said:

You can't really say someone you don't know, who has posted a couple of posts on the internet, is in shock. Sounds rather disrespectful to tell someone else what they are feeling.

Going by my personal experience, took me a while to know what *I* was feeling after being hit with the asexuality bomb. I am not saying I know what he is feeling. Merely pointing out that it is likely that he doesn't either and it will take a while for things to sink in and his feelings to come online.

 

If you are ace, you can probably compare it with a partner hitting you with a sex bomb - like s/he can't deal with lack of sex in the relationship. You may love them tons and be completely sensitive to their torment - which is a good thing, but do you honestly think an ace would know enough of impact on them to be able to reassure anything like of course, there would be sex if lack got unbearable? Or that such a hasty reassurance would be wise for the relationship? Would you reassure a partner like that?

 

@skulleryI still don't get it. You are saying not making long term statements is a refusal to comfort and accept partners? How did that compute?

 

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Yes I do reassure partners like that. I've never in my life been confronted with a sex issue where my immediate response isn't "we don't ever have to do that again." 

 

Maybe things can be worked on and maybe they can't, but that should ALWAYS be the starting point. 

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Good for you then if that works for you.

 

When I hear a person being told that their relationship has been irrevocably impacted by a revelation, I recognize that there are two people in the relationship. When I hear that person not talk at all what it means for them, I interpret it to mean they haven't got around to that part yet, because they are caring for their partner. They are ALREADY caring for their partner. What is missing is caring for themselves as well. Do you read that at all so far in the OP's post? The slightest statement of what they would want/like/are okay with?

 

It does a partner no favors to say whatever makes them feel better, and then get around to processing whether it is actually doable.

 

Much, much worse, it does a partner who loves you no favors to pretend that all is okay when you could be desperately needing them. If they love you, they would WANT to know that you are okay. Not just wish fulfilment without regard for cost to you.

 

Caring does not have to mean martyrdom. It is possible for two people in an adult relationship to care for each other when something rocks BOTH their realities.

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I'm with @skullery here: @EvlRgl92's expression of acceptance and desire to learn about a partner is what I hope I do.

 

I'm not primarily on AVEN to commiserate with sexuals (although knowing the pains are real is very important), I try to be here to learn about *asexuals* and all the things to worry about that my spouse might not tell me. I learn from asexual people struggling on their own end -- including struggling to communicate, like @Winged Whisperer, I learn about how hard that can be (and what drives it). I get these lessons by engaging and watching others' stories unfold over time.

 

I get that a sexual might feel like "um you're positive but this is going to be really hard", because... it is. So I didn't feel like I had much to add -- the response to @EvlRgl92 from aces feels like it was more relevant: they can speak with sincerity about how valuable affirmation and caring is.

 

But I just realized, yes, I have a parallel that matters enormously for me. It's hard, and affirmation and caring are so so important. 

 

My partner smiles when he sees me thrilled with trans progress. He's affirming every time, to make sure I never feel pressure from him to be female. This has been enormous for me.

 

It means so much, the intense relief I feel of not having to be something I'm not. If you've never experienced this... maybe it's hard to get how important affirmation is, when you're discovering how painful it's been, to feel pressured to be what you aren't.

 

Maybe... there's an element where someone who discovered they are queer -- to have struggled with pressure to be something you can't be, the enormous value of acceptance and affirmation -- maybe that's got someone like @skullery or me a tad better positioned know how much it matters.

 

I hope I do the same for him, to assure him that my love and caring will always be there, including my support for his asexuality, and that he similarly never feels pressure to be sexual.

 

We're not guaranteeing a specific future for each other. We know that there are challenges, and will be. But we're guaranteeing our commitment to valuing each other and working with each other on that future together.

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9 minutes ago, anisotrophic said:

It means so much, the intense relief I feel of not having to be something I'm not. If you've never experienced this... maybe it's hard to get how important affirmation is, when you're discovering how painful it's been, to feel pressured to be what you aren't.

I am a a sexual on asexuality.org - what do you think? I have no idea what needing affirmation feels like?

 

There is a very fine line between caring and infantalizing. The OP has already made her initial response. She has most certainly not dismissed anything and has made a sensitive response. She does not appear to have taken time for herself - to see what this does to her. How long does she have to affirm before she realizes that many things got said without impact on her even being known?

 

Who is the person really going through a traumatic and life altering CHANGE here, you think? Someone who found a name for their reluctance that was always present and is not a new discovery, or someone who were informed of something that contradicts their preference and who doesn't even seem to have taken inventory of own feelings yet?

 

Yes, it is not an easy conversation for either, but unlike OP, *I* am not the one going through the trauma, and as a supportive person, it becomes my duty to point out that there are TWO vulnerable people here, when one may be overlooked.

 

At no point have I suggested being uncaring of her partner and the persistence in interpreting it as such is puzzling.

 

 

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3 hours ago, anamikanon said:

I am not saying I know what he is feeling.

Well, yes, you were.  You said they were in shock.  

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13 minutes ago, Sally said:

Well, yes, you were.  You said he was in shock.  

erm... shock is understood to be a state of not feeling. A calm state where you make the appropriate responses without really processing much. I based that assessment on the post making absolutely no mention of what OP felt or wanted beyond doing right thing for her partner. In my view, it seemed reasonable that such a declaration by a wife would have some emotional weight, which is not apparent in the post. Edit: In effect, I am pointing out to a lack of stated feelings, not claiming to know what OP felt.

 

But at this point I am done arguing. I see what I see. I said what I said. If it is useful to OP, great. If not, there are tons of useless words written on the internet.

 

I sense this is turning into a sexual vs asexual thing - which I believe is an unfair bias to apply to me, as I have given exactly similar advice to aces as well if I thought their feelings were not factoring in a situation.

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There are countless posts in my history here advising aces to not raise expectations they don't know if they can meet in their hurry to comfort or compromise. Feel free to check. I have no prejudice against aces. Because there are TWO people in a situation whose well being needs to be ensured. If you are rooting for a favorite side or outcome, that is you being true to your interest, not the OPs.

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9 minutes ago, anamikanon said:

I sense this is turning into a sexual vs asexual thing - which I believe is an unfair bias to apply to me, as I have given exactly similar advice to aces as well if I thought their feelings were not factoring in a situation.

Not sure how you get that, given skullery and anisotrophic are both sexuals... so mostly three sexuals debating with a couple aces putting in small comments. 

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29 minutes ago, anamikanon said:

Who is the person really going through a traumatic and life altering CHANGE here, you think? Someone who found a name for their reluctance that was always present and is not a new discovery, or someone who were informed of something that contradicts their preference and who doesn't even seem to have taken inventory of own feelings yet?

As someone changing gender on my partner: yeah I do fully understand I'm creating a life altering change for him. And I fully understand how devastating and hard it is to have a partner be asexual.

 

Which is why his affirmation, in the face of knowing that is a challenge, is so important to have.

 

We're probably weirdly lucky to both be throwing these curveballs at each other.

 

Not ace-vs-sexual: I think what's happened is a queer sense: "affirmation to be who you are, and not be pressured to be who you aren't, matters a lot more than you might realize"

 

I think I had to live through it to get how important this is. I was cishet for decades and I was a supporter but I don't think I could really see the importance of it the way I do now.

 

I've learned that "acceptance" is a minimum, it's not love: it's acquiescence, it hurts, it tells me that who I am is still something fundamentally negative. (My mother is here, and some colleagues.) "Support" is better but still risks treating what I am as some sort of "problem". (Some other family members and friends are here (sib, dad).) "Affirmation" and being loved for who we are -- sharing this part of myself with pride, not shame -- that's a level my partner is at, and some other friends and family.

 

I didn't mean to give my relationships scorecards on this point...! but to say that the experience of it has taught me a lot about the spectrum of tolerance-acceptance-support-affirmation, and how important affirmation is.

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2 minutes ago, anisotrophic said:

We're probably weirdly lucky to both be throwing these curveballs at each other.

Imagine a situation, where your partner comes out with some reality of theirs that negates you being trans.

 

It is ridiculous, of course.

 

But when your partner comes out as ace, you can scream you are sexual all you want. Your sexuality is erased in that relationship. And there is not a fucking thing we can do about it if we like the person. Even the ace accepting us as sexual is no use. Us accepting ourselves as sexual is no use. If we love our ace, our identity is denied. Period. There is no way out of it. Even with a compromise, the compromise is an expression of caring, of trying to put each other over differences. It does not meet sexual needs.

 

This "affirmation to be who you are, and not be pressured to be who you aren't, matters a lot more than you might realize" - not on the cards for sexuals here. Not even an option we can negotiate for. You're taking satisfaction that you both threw curveballs at each other, but your trans identity may be accepted, your sexual identity in your relationship is not on the table and you have no say in it.

 

It takes a while for that shoe to drop. It isn't as simple as being told calmly and being like "okay fine. What can I do for you". There is always a whole volcano that will take its time boiling to the surface when it realizes its own idenitty has got wiped while it was caring for the loved one.

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And for most of us here, we don't even think about what appeals to us about sex till we are forced to dissect it and negotiate for scraps we can't live without. It takes a while to decide whether we want the climax or the desire. Whether we want the ace WANTING us, even if once in a blue moon, or are okay with scheduling sex or doing without. There is no reason to evaluate these choices or even know what we want till it sinks in that what we understood sex in a relationship to be is gone forever in this one.

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11 minutes ago, Serran said:

I sense some projecting of bitterness that maybe isn't shared by the other sexuals posting. Could be part of the conflict as much as queer vs not queer. 

Yeah... maybe... Like...

 

17 minutes ago, anamikanon said:

Us accepting ourselves as sexual is no use. If we love our ace, our identity is denied.

I don't feel like my sexuality is denied. I mean... I can have sex with someone else? "Desire" is not something he can do (although he does say "yes" pretty often, I really don't want pressure on this) and that's the person I love, that's who he is -- no more than I could be upset at someone about being colorblind.

 

I thought it was well established that I found his asexuality devastating, to learn how connected sex and love are for me, that it hurt so hard to know I couldn't ever have that with him. He's held me as I cried, many times. I had a lot more therapy for this than my gender identity.

 

And I 100% back the OP sentiments of affirmation and love for discovering and understanding and trust it takes to be sharing this scary truth with a partner.

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Imagine this scenario. Some ace posts here saying they are in a relationship with a sexual, who has said that sex was important to them and they wanted advice how they could meet their sexual's needs....

 

Normally I'd advise not promising an inch more than they were comfortable with. To not hurry to make promises before they knew what they could handle. That it was better to not promise anything and overdeliver than to raise expectations and pressure for themselves and frustration for the eternally waiting partner.

 

If I replied that it was the right answer and applauded them for reassuring their sexual? 

 

Would all the people advocating reassurance of vulnerable partners here approve? WOULD reassuring a partner on their needs being important be more urgent than what the ace feels about the development? Would you still be applauding reassuring after the ace has already reassured or would you be asking them to take a reality check before they got into things they couldn't back out without trauma?

 

The first kind of answer is what I always give them. And I gave this OP also. There is no stating where you stand if you don't know where you stand. 

 

@anisotrophicnot replying. I think we've heard each other speak around here often enough that I doubt you seriously misunderstood me at all. I'm not interested in making stands and defending them to the death of each word for either my feelings on the issue or yours, particularly since OP's are unstated.

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3 hours ago, anamikanon said:

Normally I'd advise not promising an inch more than they were comfortable with. To not hurry to make promises before they knew what they could handle. That it was better to not promise anything and overdeliver than to raise expectations and pressure for themselves and frustration for the eternally waiting partner.

 

The point we're trying to make is that the OP was not asking for advice on how they should take this situation, or for cautions on what they should not do.  They asked:  "what can I do to be a better wife and partner within her Asexuality?"  That was their specific ask.  

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