bluemama Posted September 21, 2019 Share Posted September 21, 2019 Hello! My son came out as Ace in his teens. I am so happy he felt able to tell me since he's a very private person and tells me very little about his inner life. He is not technically Aspergers' but tends to be a non-emotional person in general. After he told me he was Ace, I told him that that was fine by me but that we did need to check with the doctor to make sure there wasn't an underlying health issue. This made me feel terrible, as though I wasn't supporting who he is, but there can be physiological reasons for lack of sex drive and I wanted to make sure he didn't have any of those. He was cleared and that was that as far as I was concerned. Sometimes I check in and ask how it's going in the romance department but he tells me very little. Now over the years I've seen him form brief relationships (with females) that tend to fizzle out eventually. Sometimes they stay friends but the romance never lasts. I worry that he's connecting with girls who think they are asexual but really aren't or who think they can live with his asexuality but later find they can't. I don't want him to be lonely. I don't want him to be alone in life. So I worry (because I a mom!) He's so private though, I also don't want to intrude. Any advice on how I can be helpful to him? Thanks in advance! P.S. I'm not the best at being LGBTQA-correct, so if I've said something offensive in here please set me straight (ha ha!) so I can be more aware. Thanks! Link to post Share on other sites
WanderingKate Posted September 21, 2019 Share Posted September 21, 2019 First of all, your acceptance and supportiveness is so genuine...so thank you for that The best thing you can do is support him, which it seems you're already doing a great job of. Do you know if he's aromantic or romantic? I'm wondering what type of relationship he is actually looking for- he may be happy with just friendships, or short-term relationships like the ones he's having. He may enjoy some things considered romantic but not actually want to form long-term romantic relationships. Or perhaps he is just having a hard time, like many of us do, dating in a world where 99% of people don't match our sexual orientation. I would talk to him and find out what he truly wants- he may be happy with something closer to a loving friendship, or multiple friendships, or he may want a traditional romantic relationship. And would he prefer to date only asexuals, or does that not matter to him? If he wants a relationship with a fellow asexual you could always direct him towards one of the many asexual dating websites, or encourage him to look into asexual meetup events local to him. However, that's about the extent of what you can do for him....if you push anything on him, despite your kind intentions, it's likely to feel forced. At the end of the day I'm sure he'd rather be alone than to jump into something just so he won't be lonely, and sometimes finding the right partner takes time and a lot of trial and error. At the end of the day, I think the best thing you can do is to tell him you're there to talk about it if he wants to, but in the end he'll need to find his way on his own, and he may even be happy without a long term relationship and that's okay too Link to post Share on other sites
cyane-grey Posted September 21, 2019 Share Posted September 21, 2019 Honestly you're amazing and I just want you to know that. The fact that you are looking for ways to support him says so much about you and I seriously cannot thank you enough for amazing ally-ship! We need more parents like you! ❤️ Asexuality is a bit of a misunderstood orientation, and can seem really confusing. Loneliness is a huge fear a lot of us have, I've noticed, and a lot of that comes from the idea that by being asexual we've narrowed our dating pool so significantly that we will either never find another ace we love or never find another ace at all. (Or have to compromise sex for a relationship, in some cases, which works for some people but at least in my book is a huge NO.) So you being concerned for him being alone is pretty valid, but at the end of the day he might be alone romantically, but not actually lonely, if that makes sense. Navigating an asexual relationship can be verrryyyy complicated. Really, my best advice for you is to be openly supportive of him, (which it sounds like you are), make sure he knows you love him, (which he probably does), and... unfortunately that's about it. Being too intrusive or "helpful" could come across as you trying to 'fix' him, even if you didn't intend that. He's probably still figuring out his own everything and where his boundaries are and that is 100% OK. It's not your responsibility to find someone for him to date or give him a map out of all his problems, your responsibility is pretty much just to love him/support him. (Assuming he is old enough and has moved out at this point.) I know that's not a super helpful answer, "you're doing all that you can", but that's really the truth. He's gotta figure a lot of this out by himself. But seriously, kudos to you for 10/10 parenting, thank you for being an ally, you've got a son who trusted you enough to come out, and you're doing great. Link to post Share on other sites
bluemama Posted September 21, 2019 Author Share Posted September 21, 2019 Thank you, Cyane-len and WanderingKate for your responses. You have both been enormously kind, reassuring and helpful. Knowing that there are people like you in the ace world just makes me feel so much better. I will try to give him chances to open up some more without nagging or intruding -- it's a fine line, isn't it? I assume he knows about forums like this one but I'll mention it to him just in case he hasn't made good connections online yet. So glad I found this site and, again, thank you so much! Link to post Share on other sites
nutterwithasolderingiron Posted September 21, 2019 Share Posted September 21, 2019 as an ace with aspergers, i approve of how supportive you're trying to be. the best thing i can say is just let him be but make sure he knows he can always come to you for help if he needs it Link to post Share on other sites
anisotrophic Posted September 21, 2019 Share Posted September 21, 2019 Sharing this forum sounds great @bluemama! I have someone I'm close to that's ace (I.e. came out to me) & late 30s and seems single for a long time now -- and I worry about them getting lonely/isolated as everyone "pairs off". I think family has been all the more important for them -- it's good to be making sure to stay more in touch over the years because it might matter more when someone's single -- and also forums like this are great. Not all aces stay single; my husband also identifies as ace, but it's only after many years of marriage & we work it out ok. But it can be a lot more challenging for aces to be in relationships (to find compatible partners), and it varies a lot, and is probably super awkward to talk about, especially to a parent -- so probably best to be supportive but not ask. (and that's where a forum line this can be great) Link to post Share on other sites
Acing It Posted September 21, 2019 Share Posted September 21, 2019 I agree with what everyone above said. I'm a slightly older asexual person and I've been alone almost all my life. I'm perfectly happy on that count, though I sometimes think it would be lovely to have some one. But I think that happens the other way round as well, however much you love eachoter. I'm just trying to say that, if your son is alone for a while, don't assume he's lonely. They are very different things. He also sounds like an introvert, so he'll be more naturally happy being on his own I think. As long as he has friends and family... he may be ok. Other than that, I agree that being 'an open door' to him may be the best thing you can do. It's truly great you are so supportive of him. Link to post Share on other sites
nutterwithasolderingiron Posted September 22, 2019 Share Posted September 22, 2019 oh. this is more comfort but tell him there is lots more people out there like him. asexuals with autism. i know it's not much but every bit of advice and support can help him feel less alone when he needs helps/support Link to post Share on other sites
anamikanon Posted September 24, 2019 Share Posted September 24, 2019 I think this is something for him to figure out and you are doing what you can do for him. Also, I think what he thinks he wants will evolve over time as he tries out various things. Unless he seems distressed, I would not worry. Link to post Share on other sites
Chay Posted September 30, 2019 Share Posted September 30, 2019 Thank you for being such a wonderful and supportive mother! It's difficult to open up to people, so you obviously mean a lot to him. As a nineteen year old with trust issues I was only able to open up to my brother... my parents want grandkids and I feel somewhat pressured by them. Like everyone else here has said, just be open to talk with him about anything and be available when he needs you. Link to post Share on other sites
Sally Posted September 30, 2019 Share Posted September 30, 2019 I think you have done very well in making sure he knows that you love and support him in being whoever he is. Possibly the most important thing you can do now is to let him figure out what he wants, and with whom he wants it. That would include not asking him about his relationships, so that he doesn't feel pressure to tell you. Link to post Share on other sites
bluemama Posted September 30, 2019 Author Share Posted September 30, 2019 Thank you all for your helpful advice and support. So glad to know there is a community like this online for him -- and for me! Link to post Share on other sites
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