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dekoder1000

A Struggle of Realization

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dekoder1000

Hey, Hey, I am Marie and I guess you could say I'm new to the community. Not really asexuality is something I've struggled with my whole life and never realized until now I was.

See I was always the little girl who wanted to be rescued by the prince and whisked away to her happy ending. I was the girl who desperately wanted that happy ending and to be loved.

With my first boyfriend whom I was unhealthy obsessed, anytime he asked for anything I did it. It was fun at first, but I won't say I enjoyed it, but it made him happy and I enjoyed that.

A nasty break up, a graduation and few one night stands later I still can't say I have ever enjoyed sex. Even in the moment it was blah. 

I meet my husband, first person I've enjoyed sex with first person to do anything for me. To say the least I was head over heels. He made promises, all empty. Thing  quickly deteriorated to abusive. I was stubborn though, in my mind he was my prince, he promised me the life I always wanted. Christian household, two kids, a dog, and a picket fence. I thought surely this anger of his was something I could mend, I could ease. I couldn't Three years later I'm living in shelter while my two year old son sleeps in. I'm pregnant because when I went to get the rest of my things from our house, he was there. He wasn't supposed to be. Needless to say unconsensual things happen and now I am going to be a single mom to two kids.

The last year of our marriage was just really un-enjoyable I no longer enjoyed sex and he would pester me into it every time. Now coming out of the marriage and looking back at my encounters I realize the I was probably asexual this whole time, but being desperate for a fairytale made me think otherwise.

I still dream of dancing the night away and someone telling me sweet nothings (after ive graduated from college and my kids are nearly grown), but I realize I don't want a sexual relationship. Is daydreaming about a romantic partner wrong? Especially when I can't give them a number one thing they expect out of a relationship? I don't even think I want to kiss anyone. I am moe than fine staying single, like I said I plan to until my goals are reached and my children are out on their own, but I can't help...I can't help to have romantic musings.

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AceMissBehaving

Welcome to the forums! I am so sorry to hear you have been going through so much.  I can say that it’s completely possible to have a romantic relationship without sex, that’s the goal for a lot of romantic aces. 

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dekoder1000

But does it happen most the forums I am reading are about unbalanced relationships, not that I want one in this moment, but as I am discovering this identity I want to know more about it and what it means to me/for me

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AceMissBehaving
1 hour ago, dekoder1000 said:

But does it happen most the forums I am reading are about unbalanced relationships, not that I want one in this moment, but as I am discovering this identity I want to know more about it and what it means to me/for me

I think part of that has been because asexuality getting attention and being taken seriously is a relatively recent thing. A lot of older aces (myself included) found themselves in relationships with sexual people while still trying to figure how to fix something in themselves that was in truth never broken to begin with.

 

There are still a lot of younger people trying to make it work too, but again, a lot of the issues (not all) seem to stem from a persistent lack of understanding around asexuality. 

 

I have a hope that over time people growing up now; understanding this part of themselves before getting involved in serious long term commitments, and non ace people learning more about us as a group, we’ll start to see less ace relationships with mismatched needs, and more that are started with their needs as asexuals properly figured out from the get go.

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