I need advice on what to do

[AceOfClubs]

Hello everybody! I am back in need of advice on romance. I know it’s long but you can skim through the backstory if you want since it’s pretty lame and just go to the issue.

 

Background:

 

So basically I like this person who I have known for eight years now. I realized I had feelings for them two years ago and they also had feelings back. Last year was eighth grade for the both of us (don’t know how to say it for people who don’t use the same grade system so 13-14 year olds) and we started to be in a relationship. 

 

It wasn’t anything to crazy like some relationships at my school since I’m ace and they doesn’t like public display of affection. We held hands occasionally and stuff. During the middle of the school year though their parents split and that hit them pretty hard even though it didn’t show it. It was also around this time when I started to have thoughts of self harm so I turned to them for help.

 

skip ahead to summer and on day they pretty much said they were dealing with a corrupted view of romance and felt like we should just be friends at the moment. Insert one day of sadness and then me realizing that it’s not the end of the world.

 

We were still friends, and I still liked them. I accidentally asked them to be my platonic partner to homecoming and they said yes.

 

Issue I have begins now:

 

So a week or so goes by and then they ask it we are going as friends or more. After deflecting the question back and forth for a bit I finally asked “So I would love to go with you as a date, but what would happen after? Are we back together or is just a one night deal?”

 

they responded saying ting that they still like me in a romantic way but doesn’t want it to be in the way that they cannot do on dates and more of an awkward middle school way.

 

neither of us can drive for another year and I told them I understand completely and said that for now we could go as dates to hoco and we can take it from there.

 

Question:

 

i want to be in a relationship with this person but they want to actually go on dates which would a challenge. Should I take my chances and ask them if they would want to go out to eat at a place after school and walk there? Take a major risk and see if we could go somewhere over the weekend with a parent driving us there? Or just wait a year and see what happens?

 

[Claire1983]

From the way you've described things, I think waiting a year wouldn't be a bad idea.  It seems like you're not entirely comfortable with the idea of going out on dates.  I'm not quite clear on why having your parents drive you somewhere for a date would be a major risk, but if you're not comfortable that, you should just wait until you can drive.  If this person is really interested in you, then they will respect your boundaries and in a year when it's more convenient, you'll both be older and wiser and have some time to consider if a relationship is the best thing for you.

[AceOfClubs]

2 hours ago, Claire1983 said:

From the way you've described things, I think waiting a year wouldn't be a bad idea.  It seems like you're not entirely comfortable with the idea of going out on dates.  I'm not quite clear on why having your parents drive you somewhere for a date would be a major risk, but if you're not comfortable that, you should just wait until you can drive.  If this person is really interested in you, then they will respect your boundaries and in a year when it's more convenient, you'll both be older and wiser and have some time to consider if a relationship is the best thing for you.

Here are my issues with each option 

 

1. The issue is I’m not comfortable with the idea of rejection and despite knowing that they are likely to say sure after clearing it with, most likely, their mom, there is always the slim chance of rejection that I would have to ignore.

 

2. I wouldn’t mind having my parents take me to my date, but the only chance that they can go is if they are with their mom who would tease/embarrass them. I just don’t want them to be put in a situation of having another reason to not like their mom.

 

3. I wouldn’t mind waiting a year but I’m a guy who fears the future and uncertainty. And ever since my thoughts grew suicidal, I want to live everyday in case it’s my last. (Don’t worry, seeing a therapist and have antidepressants on hand in case things get to the point I should start taking them) 

 

For both one and two though I would probably greatly test the waters of the idea of dating with them and I would back down and switch to 3 if they seem uncomfortable with the idea. 

[gisiebob]

ok, a relationship is more than just a thing you would like to have. it is a two player deal. you have to be above your fear of rejection and missed opportunities to give them the space they need and communicate where the two of you stand. and you need to put back every last cent with interest that you take out of their emotional bank.

[Claire1983]

I would suggest you discuss this with your therapist, if you haven't already.  Knowing you better, they would definitely be in a better position to offer more practical advice.  But my general advice would be that you could both benefit from taking that year to work on yourselves.  I would say just go to the homecoming dance, relax and enjoy yourself and see how things go from there.

[AceOfClubs]

2 hours ago, Claire1983 said:

I would suggest you discuss this with your therapist, if you haven't already.  Knowing you better, they would definitely be in a better position to offer more practical advice.  But my general advice would be that you could both benefit from taking that year to work on yourselves.  I would say just go to the homecoming dance, relax and enjoy yourself and see how things go from there.

Well as much as I love having a therapist, he is more or less there to tell me to not kill myself and how to balance my emotions. At our last meeting he forgot my name. But I might go to my school counselor who knows me and the person a lot better.

[AceOfClubs]

10 hours ago, gisiebob said:

ok, a relationship is more than just a thing you would like to have. it is a two player deal. you have to be above your fear of rejection and missed opportunities to give them the space they need and communicate where the two of you stand. and you need to put back every last cent with interest that you take out of their emotional bank.

I know and when they  was going through her stuff, I tried my dang hardest to be there for them . And the last thing I want to do in all this is make them feel unhappy or forced them into doing something. I definitely used the wrong wording of how I want to be in a relationship, I’m fourteen cut me some slack.

 

i also wouldn’t just ask them randomly, I would talk it out all before hand. I might have jumped the gun of thinking of date ideas yes, but at least I’m not just acting impulsively without thought.

 

And as bad as I probably made it seem, I wouldn’t mind just being friends if that’s what they want. It’s only high school so people will change but as long as we’re friends, I wouldn’t mind. 

[gisiebob]

I'm not going to cut you some slack just because you are young, this is something that is important to you.

now that's great and all that you are thinking about this more cool headedly, but let me guess: you still haven't talked to them about all these things you are thinking about, have you?

even in skirmishes it is still two people. the best thing you can do for both of you is to get all the playing pieces on the table, get both of yourselves on the same page. even the ugly bits. it takes a lot to courageously observe the possibilities, I understand. but I think it's worth it.

from what little I know of you two, I would say the best outcome is for the two of you to hold tight until you both are on a more stable footing, but that still is best under enthusiastic communication.

ok?

[AceOfClubs]

On 9/22/2019 at 6:12 PM, gisiebob said:

 you still haven't talked to them about all these things you are thinking about, have you?

So here is the important question of the day. Do I talk with them before or after homecoming? I’ve been planning to talk about this for a while now but I would rather do it in person and I just never really had the chance to talk about this without people around.