Trying to figure this out

[RoseGoesToYale]

I saw the dude I'm in love with last night after six months of not seeing him. In that time, I started having sexual fantasies about him. At first I was just sort of imagining it to see what it would be like, because in the past before I came out as ace I tried to fantasize about crushes because that's what I thought was the normal thing to do, but I never got anything out of them and they felt forced and awkward. Once I learned about I asexuality, I never did it again. Until now. Soon they became nice, because I'd want him to have his needs met and the idea of seeing him enjoying himself is pretty nice. And then I started getting more involved in them and more actively fantasizing, and now they turn me on with a regularity.

 

So I thought last night would be the test to see if I'm actually sexually attracted to him... but I just do not know, because just being around him doesn't turn me on or make me want those fantasies to happen. But I know I like him, and I want to be around him all the time, and being around him makes me nervous and excited, and I have this overwhelming urge to just be physically close to him. Case in point, I literally laid down next to him and squished myself up against him and we just stayed like that for a while, but I still didn't feel anything down there nor any other urges. It just felt unbelievably nice. And later when I was about to take him home, I hugged him tightly out of the blue because I just had to.

 

I dunno... maybe if we actually started kissing or doing foreplay type stuff, then I'd feel something? Again, impossible to know. It could also be that the nerves are so intense my body can't relax enough to be turned on. I wanted input from demis and sexuals... is it situational for you when you feel sexual attraction? I.e. obviously you're not constantly horny and dtf this person all of the time. Is it a matter of the mood being just right? Or do you actually have to physically engage? Or is it a nebulous thing?

 

I feel like a key component to sexual attraction is being turned on by another person in addition to wanting sex with them, but we say it over and over in here, arousal ≠ attraction, someone could get turned on by carrots and nothing doing. And of course people with low libido or an arousal disorder can still desire sex with someone. Gaaaack, this is all so confusing.

[Sinking_In]

(May contain TMI)

If I may, is your use of "in love with" just to put emphasis on the fact you like this dude, and find him attractive (be it physically, intellectually, etc)? It's just that "love" is a strong word. Does this person know you are interested in them? Sorry, I didn't see any backstory here. Most importantly, is this person also ace, and do they know you are?

 

As for physical attraction, arousal and sexual desire, they vary from person to person, even among the sexual. I'm a sexual person, with a normal to high libido. For me, I can find someone attractive, yet simple conversation or casual contact won't necessarily illicit a desire for sex or physical arousal. At the same time, I may simply see or think about someone I find sexually attractive, and my thoughts alone can trigger desire for sex and physical arousal. Actual sexual contact will always illicit a physical response from me, though. You said you can arouse yourself while thinking of him. This is common for most, but arousing thoughts often differ from reality. Reality can introduce both mental and physical blocks, which makes it deffer greatly from the fantasy. This is why many people use alcohol, to remove those blocks. NOT that I am recommending people get drunk, just that there are people who do (which also introduces a myriad of other problems).

 

You may be a lot like my wife. She finds men attractive. She's even fantasized about them once in a while, including occasional masturbation, but as for making it happen in the real world, she does what you did, put herself into the situation, get as close as possible and make physical contact, but then it gets pretty much left up to the other party to act on it. Sexual contact will get a physical response from her (getting wet, having an orgasm), but not always a romantic one. You can engage in sexual contact, but in the end, though, it won't likely match the fantasy, and unless you're getting the connection or closeness you want out of it, you may be disappointed. Very rarely is reality as good as the fantasy, but that's not to say the reality isn't good, too. Just....different. That's just my experience and what I've noticed.

[RoseGoesToYale]

13 minutes ago, Sinking_In said:

If I may, is your use of "in love with" just to put emphasis on the fact you like this dude, and find him attractive (be it physically, intellectually, etc)? It's just that "love" is a strong word. Does this person know you are interested in them? Sorry, I didn't see any backstory here. Most importantly, is this person also ace, and do they know you are?

Yeah, I mean love in the strong sense. I went way past just a crush a while ago. He knows, at least, I think he does. I've told him, twice, but he's a rather... strange individual. As far as I know, he's not ace. We had a discussion on that subject a while ago, he sounds like he might be demi? For him sex is about emotional connection. He knows I'm ace and is cool with it.

[Sinking_In]

Well, that may be a good starting point, the emotional connection  You'll probably have to spend more time together for that, and the more time you spend together, the more you'll know about how you feel, what you want, what you need, etc. Good luck!